When My Soul Met A Thug

by Jessica N Watkins

  “He’s okay,” I assured Coop as he huddled over me and Keyes. “But you gotta stop, Coop. You need to be here for these kids. And I…” I had to pause to keep myself from adding that I needed him as well.

  When True first passed, I felt like I had not only lost her, but I had lost him too. Beyond our attraction to each other, we had developed a friendship that I feared would end once True’s funeral was over.

  Once the casket of a loved one dropped, so many things changed for the ones closest to the dead, and I feared that Coop realizing that I was just a moment in time would be one of those things.

  I swallowed hard and instead told Coop, “You have to be here for these kids, not in prison. And you want to be able to see True get put into the ground, right?”

  Like the Incredible Hulk turning back into Dr. David Banner, Coop’s anger subsided, and he was back to reality as he looked at his crying son.

  I rocked to soothe Keyes as I told Coop, “Get in the car.”

  He looked into my eyes and realized I wasn’t asking him. I was telling him.

  He looked back as Jameel lay moaning on the concrete.

  “You ain’t getting’ shit,” Coop he shouted seething at Jameel. “Not your daughter…not nothing, motherfucker,” he barked. “On everything I’ma make damn sure of that.”

  I worried that my stern order had gone unnoticed until Coop took Keyes from me, tore the passenger’s door open, and climbed in, still fuming.

  By eight that evening, I was stripping my clothes off in my house with relief. It had been the longest day. At the end of so much grief and sadness, I had been able to end it with a hot plate of comforting soul food at True’s repast. Now, I had the itis as thoughts of True’s wonderful homegoing replayed in my head. It was a sad occasion, but True’s efforts to make us smile instead of cry with upbeat music and happy memories had worked. Tears were still sliding down the faces of the attendees, but often, the tears were accompanied with a smile.

  A hot bath with lavender scenting bubbles was running, and I was dying to get in it. Since True’s passing, I had been on vacation from work, but the next night I had a new patient, so I had to get my mind ready to go back to work.

  I was now down to my bra and panties, staring at myself in the full-length mirror on my bathroom wall. I would usually complain about what I saw, but Angel’s tears as True took her last breath had replayed in my mind every day like the soundtrack to a heartbreaking symphony. I remember how Coop had loved on True, even when disease had taken her body so much that she didn’t even resemble herself anymore. I touched my curves, now, not hating them but realizing that someone would love them eventually. And if they never did, then I always would.

  Realizing that the water had risen to my desired level, I reached over and turned it off.

  I grabbed my phone, swiping to my Amazon music app so I could play something soothing to calm my nerves from such a hectic day. As the sounds of SZA filled the bathroom, I took a deep breath and thanked True once again for changing my way of thinking.

  As soon as I started to get rid of my bra, my doorbell rang. Curiously, I left the bathroom. On my way out of my bedroom, I grabbed the robe that hung on my door. I wrapped it tightly around my body as I headed for the door. I peered through the peephole and was deeply irritated when I saw Banks standing on the other side.

  I tore the door open, spewing, “What?!”

  Shocked at my anger, he backed up a bit. “Whoa, what’s your problem?”

  Seething, I spat, “What the fuck do you want, Banks?”

  “I want you, baby. Where you been? Why haven’t you answered my calls?”

  I used to look at him and see my world beginning at his command and ending if he’d ever left. I used to equate my worth by his existence. But, now, today, I realized that life was so much more than me begging some ain’t-shit nigga to stand beside me because I felt like his presence brought value to my worth. I was alive. I was breathing. And that deserved sincere happiness from me, whether I had some man lying to me and dicking me down or not.

  “Now you want me?” I taunted him with a smirk. “Now that your perfect Barbie has played you, you wanna come back to me?”

  He tried to come towards me, but I backed up into the house. He stopped his approach, insisting, “It’s not like—”

  “Fuck you,” I growled. “You don’t deserve me. Go back to that bitch you chose. Good luck.” And then I did what I had never done to him before; I slammed the door in his face. Finally, I was done with him and not the other way around.

  21

  Angel

  Two days after True’s funeral, my tears were still flowing. After her death and all the way up until her funeral, there had been floods of calls and text messages of support. My front door was revolving with family members and friends who wanted to surround me to ensure that I kept myself together. Those close to me feared for my sanity because I had already barely survived the death of my husband. They weren’t sure if I could survive burying my daughter. So, they’d all clung to me until the moment I put True in the ground.

  But after the fried chicken and sides had been eaten at True’s repast, and everyone had said their goodbyes, all of that support had stopped, and I was left to deal with my suffering grief on my own.

  Russell had tried his best to stay by my side every minute of every day, but since he had to get back to his life after a week of putting it on pause for me after True passed, he was having a hard time juggling babysitting me and taking care of his responsibilities. I could see the struggle in his eyes as he weighed the options of making sure that I didn’t hang myself and making sure that he went to work so he could pay his mortgage.

  “Urrgh!” I growled as I ignored Jameel’s one-hundredth call. I tossed the phone on the couch and collapsed in Russell’s lap. “I wish he’d stop fucking calling me.”

  “I can stop him from calling you.” I knew exactly what Russell’s tone meant.

  “No,” I instantly refused. “Hell no. I need you here with me, not fighting a murder charge.”

  He deeply chuckled, but I could hear the menace in his laugh.

  “Russell,” I whispered and sighed as I sat up from his lap and wiped my eyes. “You can go home.”

  He reached up and ran his fingers softly over my unkempt cut. “No,” he refused, sweetly. Just then, his phone rang for the umpteenth time since he’d awakened that morning in bed next to me. As he had done every time, he silenced it without answering.

  “You’ve been here all day. Your phone keeps ringing,” I pushed.

  He shrugged. “So.”

  “I know you have business to take care of. I’ll be okay by myself,” I insisted.

  He smiled at my weak attempt at bravery. He lovingly rubbed my shoulder as he said, “No, you won’t.”

  “I know,” I admitted with a pout. “But I have to try. I have to get used to fact that she…” I struggled. “That she’s gone.” My voice cracked as tears pooled in my eyes.

  Russell’s large arm reached for me and pulled me under him. “You know how we can fix all of this?” he asked.

  “How?”

  “You and Joy can move in with me.”

  I pushed back in order to look Russell in the eyes. “What?”

  “Move in with me. Let me take care of you…you and Joy. You’ve spent the last two years taking care of True and Joy. Let somebody take care of you now.”

  I opened my mouth, unsure of what I was about to say. Then Joy’s piercing scream cut through the air. I jumped to my feet and ran to my bedroom where I had left her taking her afternoon nap. I could feel Russell on my heels as I jogged up the hall.

  “Mommyyyyyyyy!” Joy screamed.

  “Grandma’s coming, baby,” I called out to her.

  Finally, I entered the room. Joy was sitting up in bed, screaming in tears. “Mommy! I want my mommy!”

  I ran towards the bed, jumped in, and crawled towards her. When I wrapped my arms around her, she started to figh
t her way out of my arms.

  Since True’s death, Joy had been asking for her. I had tried to explain that she had gone to heaven. Yet, her young mind still could not wrap around her mother being here one minute and then suddenly vanishing.

  I was an adult, and, still, I couldn’t understand it either.

  “No! I want my mommy! Where is my mommy?!” she cried.

  I held her in a tight bear hug, accepting her struggle as she cried into my chest. I watched as Russell walked towards the bed and sat. I began to rock Joy soothingly back and forth. She finally stopped struggling to get out of my arms and cried silently.

  With tears in my eyes, I looked at Russell. A small, sarcastic laugh left my throat as I asked him, “You still want us to live with you?”

  Placing a hand on my leg, he replied, “Yes.”

  “I’m scared,” I admitted.

  Russell’s eyes squinted questionably. “Scared of what?”

  Tears streamed down my face. “Of you leaving me too.”

  COOP

  For the last two days, I had been pouring myself into work and Keyes. I was at the rec center making sure the staff that Rakim had hired in my absence the week True had passed were legit and knew what they were doing.

  “I can do that for you, if you want.”

  I looked up to see Tamika, the front-desk receptionist, standing in the doorway of my office as I fed Keyes.

  “Naw, I got it,” I told her.

  She smiled. “You sure?”

  I nodded. “Positive, shorty.”

  She shrugged. “Okay. Well, I’m here if you need me.”

  I ignored the lustful twinkle in her eyes as she turned and walked away.

  I instantly glared at Rakim who was leaning back in a chair breaking his neck to watch her walk away. Shorty did have a phat ass. She was a gorgeous, chocolate girl wearing long lemonade braids that reached her ass. Her body was tight and her ass was round. Her thighs didn’t match her ass, so she had definitely gotten some ass shots. She was only twenty years old and thirstier than a motherfucker.

  She was child support payments and drama waiting to happen to a nigga.

  “I should fuck you up for hiring her young ass,” I growled at Rakim.

  “Why? She young and didn’t want that much pay. I’m saving you money.”

  “And you’re ensuring yourself some ass. You ain’t slick. You hired her because she’s pretty and got a phat ass.”

  Rakim nodded with a smile. “She can answer phones too.”

  I shook my head, giving my attention back to Keyes. I didn’t trust anybody watching my son except Angel. But Angel had enough to deal with at the time. I wasn’t trying to put my son on her. Besides, being a single father was something I needed to adjust to quickly. For the last week, I had been feeling what every single mother felt. Trying to juggle work, responsibilities, and Keyes had been unbelievably hard. I had a newfound respect for women, single mothers in particular, that I’d never had before.

  As Keyes finished his bottle, I smiled down on my little man. He looked just like me, but I hoped that he would grow into looking like his mother because I craved to see her face again in something other than a picture.

  With a heavy heart, I lifted Keyes to my shoulder to burp him. Trying to push the constant sorrow of True out of my heart and mind, I asked Rakim, “What’s up with those NBA players coming to the basketball camp this summer?”

  As Rakim filled me in the on the details, my mind still drifted to True, the last few weeks in my life in particular. It had been a whirlwind of emotions that I had never felt before, especially mourning True while she was still alive. And I had gained more special people in my life.

  True wasn’t the only person I was missing. Angel and Joy had gained a special place in my heart. Yet, I felt like it would be too hard to manage the grief while looking in Joy or Angel’s face, so I hadn’t been by to see them yet. Hearing her tears during and since True’s death had been torture enough, so I couldn’t bear to call Angel either. Diving into my work to avoid the pain had led me to avoiding Angel as well. So, as Rakim talked, I took out my phone and sent her a text message, asking her how she was doing. I thought about Remi as well. I wanted to know how she was doing. I wanted to talk to her and make sure she was okay. But my interest in checking up on Remi was different than my interest in Angel.

  I felt guilty thinking of Remi in the last two days almost as much as I had been thinking of True. I missed Remi too. She had become a part of my everyday life. When she’d become True’s nurse, she had become mine too. She had taken care of True physically, but she had taken care of me emotionally. I had been there for True and Angel while Remi had been there for me. Rakim had tried, but he wasn’t caring enough. He’d tried to fix my grief with jokes, drugs, and alcohol. He had also tried to put my mind on other bitches when the only women on my mind were either dead or forbidden.

  Every time I thought of Remi, I felt guilty as if I was doing something wrong. So, I closed the phone and just hoped shorty was okay.

  22

  Remi

  True and her family had spoiled me. For the last two months, I had been with a loving family that had pulled me into their tribe. Now, I had an old, white terminally ill patient that looked as if he barely wanted me to touch him. His wife was even worse.

  “If that’s all you need, then I’ll be leaving for the day.” A fake, professional smile was plastered on my face as I waited for Mrs. Crowe to relieve me. She sat at the kitchen table with her face balled into an unhappy, prude mess as she kept her eyes on the eggs Benedict a chef had prepared for her.

  “That’ll be all. Thank you,” she replied curtly.

  Snarling at her, I turned on my Crocs and headed towards the front door fast. I groaned, missing True, Angel, and Coop so much. I even missed the kids. True was more than a patient, and her family and Coop were more than merely my patient’s family. They had in some way become even more than friends. They were my family as well. I had been there to take care of True, but she and Coop had taken care of me as well in my time of need. I had been a wreck before meeting them. Now, I felt brand new. I felt free of burdens and heartbreak. They had unknowingly fixed me, and I missed them all.

  Finally outside of that stale home, I took a deep breath of the clean, warm, May-morning air. The Crowes’ home was in Naperville, Illinois, so that air just smelled different. It smelled clean, unpolluted, and not like bullets and crack heads in the city air.

  Walking towards the new Audi truck that I had finally leased last week, I admired how the sun was shining. It was the perfect day to get cute, put on a maxi dress, and walk on the beach. But I didn’t want to look like a loser because I was alone. At this point in my life, I had no friends. I only spoke to my sister, Gg, and that was rare, because she had a new boyfriend. My mother wasn’t the company I wanted either. Honestly, I wanted Coop. I missed his company. But every time I reached for my phone to call or text him, I put the phone down. He and I had leaned on each other for comfort the week after True passed. Now, I feared that if he were around me, and True was not there to distract me, I wouldn’t be able to control my attraction to him. So, as I sat in the driver’s seat, I sighed, staring at his contact information in my phone. Glaring at the message icon, I chose not to defy True’s memory by gushing over her man. So, I closed the app.

  Suddenly, while still in my hand, my phone started to ring, scaring the shit outta me. When I saw it was Angel, I answered quickly, “Hi, Angel.”

  I eagerly waited to hear how she would sound. I had been messaging her every other day to see how she and the kids were doing.

  She sounded as if she was holding up, but I knew better. “Hi, Remi. Did I catch you at a bad time?”

  “No, I’m just leaving work. What’s going on?” She had only called my phone when I was working for True and while I was helping with the funeral arrangements. I hadn’t heard her voice since the funeral, so I was happy to hear that she actually sounded like there was a l
ittle happiness in it.

  “I need you to come by the house this afternoon. Are you available?”

  I was happy for the chance to see Angel, but I wondered what she wanted that she couldn’t talk to me about over the phone. “Yes,” I answered slowly. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, everything is fine,” she assured me. “I just need to talk to you.”

  She used that assertive tone that told me that even though she wasn’t my mother, I still had no choice but to do whatever she said and not ask any more questions. “Umm… Ooookay.”

  “Come around two o’clock, okay?”

  My face was still contorted with confusion as I turned the engine. “Okay.”

  “See you later.”

  She hung up with questions still lingering in my mind as I backed out of the driveway.

  COOP

  A week after True’s funeral, I found the courage to take Keyes to see his grandmother and big sister. I needed to maintain every connection to True that I still had, so I intended on Angel and Joy remaining a part of my life, as well as in Keyes’.

  “How are you managing, Coop?” Angel asked me as she cradled Keyes.

  I looked up at her from the floor. Joy was sitting down with me. I was helping her with her homework packet while Grandma got some me time with Keyes.

  As my eyes took in Angel, I was glad to see that she finally looked as if she was putting some care into herself. The days approaching True’s death and afterward, Angel was an understandable mess. Her hair was always unkempt. her clothes were always disheveled, and her face was always weary.

  Now, she had obviously taken the time to comb her hair and put a little makeup on. She was wearing a leisure short set, sandals, and a smile as she looked down on her gift from True.

  “I’m managing okay,” I answered.