Get Anyone to Do Anything

by David J. Lieberman

  5. Studies conclude that when a person holds an opposing view, you should adopt a two-sided argument. When you’re dealing with a stubborn person, we can likely assume that he’s based his opinion, at least in part, on fact. Therefore, a one-sided argument will appear to him as if you are not taking his thinking into consideration. Consequently, in this instance, present both sides (following the rule of primacy, be sure to present your side first) and you will find him more malleable in his thinking.

  6. Let him think that he is, in some way, responsible for the idea. This accomplishes several things; most important is that he will identify more strongly with the objective. In this way, his actions are deemed to be consistent with some aspect of his belief system. Once you’ve eliminated his resistance, you want to follow it up with psychological motivators to take action. To round out your strategy use the techniques in Chapter 13, Get Anyone to Take Immediate Action in Any Situation.

  Now, that was the easy part. But remember that a few pages ago we said that there are four motivations behind stubborn thinking. The previous tactics covered reasons A, B, and C. But what if his stubbornness is due to D? (Remember that D is a situation aversion—meaning that this new idea is inconsistent with someone’s self-concept—how he sees himself).

  Getting someone who is closed-minded due to D to change his mind is going to take a different strategy. The reason is that when we are entrenched in a belief, it usually involves our identity. And that means changing our mind forces us to reevaluate how we see ourselves and how we look at the world.

  This closed-minded person has identified himself with his belief and this is how he sees himself. By questioning his beliefs he is forced to bring his identity into question. For instance, let’s say that you want your boss to move up your name on a list of executives in line for a bonus. He adamantly refuses because he considers himself to be a fair and honest person who would not corrupt the system. To do this for you would mean bringing his entire self-concept—how he sees himself—into question. No matter how strongly you argue your case, he’s not budging because it’s not about you, it’s about him and how he sees himself.

  No techniques of influence or persuasion will work unless you first address this issue. The key lies not in separating who he is from what he does. This is what we often try to do, but this person’s anxiety will just increase the farther his actions move from his self-concept. Instead, this psychological methodology employs a technique to merge his self-concept and his behavior.

  Let’s continue with the above example where you want your boss to do you a favor that he sees as “nothing that he would do.” Most of us consider ourselves to be good people. And it’s safe to say, included in the definition, that we, of course, wouldn’t kill another person. Yet, under what circumstance might you consider it permissible? If your own life or a family member’s life was being threatened by a crazed gunman, perhaps? Now you can kill and still maintain a consistent self-image. By changing the parameters you include the behavior to make it acceptable and even necessary.

  This tactic is made infinitely easier by using generic ideals in human behavior—which is the ideal way in which we all like to think of ourselves. To do this you just align yourself with a greater and more important value to which this person holds.

  Under what circumstances might it become okay to move one executive’s name ahead of another’s on the list? It might be acceptable if this executive would suffer some sort of grave consequence if he didn’t get the bonus. Now, so we’re clear, you shouldn’t fabricate the reason, nor do you have to. If you really need someone to do something then your real reason should prove to be all you need. And remember, it’s not so much what the reason is, as long as you present it in the right way. And that is to incorporate your desire into his idea of morality and how he sees himself. You see, instead of trying to overcome his sense of decency, you simply appeal to it. Now we picked one of the toughest examples possible. It would be rare that you will have to contend with such an obstinate position. But when you do you’ll be ready for it.

  But wait, is there a way to tell just how stubborn a person is about something? Surely you can’t change everybody’s mind about anything? Well, there will be times when a person absolutely won’t budge, so to save yourself some time and energy use the technique below to not only determine if he’s movable but also to help you budge his thinking if he is at all flexible.

  The Crowbar

  Aren’t there times when you would like to be able to tell if someone is willing to do something? How open-minded is she to trying something new? Have you ever wanted to know if someone was just putting up a strong front but could easily give in to your request? Try this psychological crowbar to open a closed mind and see what she’s really thinking. This is the perfect test to tell how open-minded someone is. Furthermore, it helps to pave the way to getting her to embrace the idea in its entirety.

  Sometimes people put up a strong front because they know that they will crumble if they ever have to defend their position. It has been said that the easiest people to sell are those who have a sign saying no salesmen or solicitors. The reasoning is that these people know deep down that if a salesman did get to them they would buy whatever he had to sell.

  With this technique you tell her that you want her to agree to doing what you ask, but only if you can achieve some highly difficult and amazing task. For instance, you tell someone to write down on a piece of paper a number from one to one hundred and if you can guess what it is then she will agree to what you want. She will likely agree because she believes that there is little chance that you can guess right. If she does not agree to these terms then it is likely that she is adamant about her stance.

  The psychological strategy here is not in being right (if you are that’s great) but in her agreeing to take the chance. Again, if at this point she absolutely refuses, then you know that there is no way that she is likely to comply. However, if she does agree then you’ve managed to adjust slightly her belief system—and this is all that you need. You take her from a no to a maybe. Now she will have to alter her belief system to allow the possibility—though remote—for this to happen. In order to reduce dissonance she unconsciously adjusts her thinking and will now become more open.

  She also now believes herself to be the kind of person who takes risks—which is precisely the image you want her to hold of herself since your request falls outside of her usual comfort zone.

  Only someone who would, in the back of her mind, be willing to do what you ask for will take part in this test. So some part of her, to some degree, is willing. Now you know that you’re not dealing with an impossible task.

  Strategy Review

  • Begin with the Crowbar Test to determine just how closed-minded she really is.

  • Because human beings have a strong need for consistency have her agree to a similar idea or a way of thinking that will negate her own objections later.

  • Restrict in some way her ability to do what you want her to and give her the opportunity to provide the solution.

  • A person’s emotional state is directly related to her physical state. Change easily the one thing that you can—her physiology.

  • She will be reluctant to change her mind without any new information because she will think of herself as inconsistent. Give additional information before you ask her to again reconsider.

  • Let her know that you’ve been recently influenced by her ideas. If someone is successful in persuading another person she usually reciprocates by changing her attitudes about something else in response to a persuasive appeal from that person.

  • Adopt a two-sided argument to increase your credibility, being sure to present the evidence to support your position first.

  • If possible show her how she is in some way responsible for the idea in the first place.

  • Employ the tactics in Chapter 13, Get Anyone to Take Immediate Action in Any Situation.

  • If the idea goes against
her value system, change the parameters of the request, making the behavior acceptable.

  17

  Get Anyone to Do a Favor for You

  How would you like to get complete cooperation from anyone in any situation? Well, now you can if you follow these sure-fire tactics for cooperation anytime, anyplace, for just about anything. These are the ten factors that influence whether somebody helps you out or politely (or not so politely) refuses your request. (If you’re worried that once he agrees to help, he might not follow through, simply use the techniques in Chapter 15, Get Anyone to Follow Through on a Commitment to You.)

  1. Time Component

  When is the best time to ask for a favor? Should you ask close to the time you want someone to take action or as far in advance as possible? The answer is when the event is farther in the future. As the event approaches the greater the anxiety and the “realness” of what he has to do sets in, and the less likely it will be for you to gain cooperation. If you need help with something right away though, studies suggest that you should find someone who is not rushed or preoccupied with something else. The ability to gain cooperation from someone who is not under a time constraint goes up dramatically, compared with someone who is preoccupied or rushed.

  2. Reciprocity

  Have you ever wondered why religious groups offer passersby a flower or some other gift in the airport? They know that most people who accept the gift will then feel compelled to give a small donation. We know we don’t have to, but we can become uncomfortable, even though we didn’t ask for the gift in the first place. When someone gives us something, we often feel indebted to that person. If you offer something, anything, to your target person you will significantly increase compliance. Your “gift” can take the form of your time, your attention, or even a small gesture or compliment.

  3. Bystander Apathy

  Numerous studies in helping show that as the number of bystanders increased the percentage of individuals who helped those in need decreased. This is called the bystander effect whereby behavior is influenced by the diffusion of responsibility. This is true of almost all situations. When you want someone to do something for you let him know that you have no one else to turn to. If he thinks that you can go to anyone and that it’s not up to him to be the good guy then his sense of responsibility is lessened and he doesn’t feel any moral obligation to help out.

  4. Mood

  Is it best to wait for him to be in a good mood before you ask? Not necessarily. There are actually slightly different dynamics at work, and hence strategies depending on his mood. Research shows that if he’s in a good mood, you want to let him know clearly what you need for him to do and that he will feel good about it in some way. This is because positive emotions can result in less helpfulness if the need is ambiguous or the consequences of helping are unpleasant. When we’re feeling good we don’t want to lose our mood.

  Studies also show that negative emotions can increase a person’s willingness to help because helping makes people feel good and those in a bad mood are motivated to take action to make themselves feel better.

  There are some exceptions here, but for the most part the required behavior has to be perceived as relatively easy and effective and it has to seem clear that the helpful act will lead to more positive feelings. So when he’s not in a great mood, be sure to emphasize that what you want him to do will not take a lot of effort and that he will indeed feel good after he’s done what you’ve asked of him.

  5. Apathy or Empathy

  If the person thinks that your situation is due to incompetence or ignorance, you will generate apathy, not sympathy. And if you don’t have a person’s empathy or sympathy it is much more difficult to get his help.

  Studies show that you will increase your chances of being helped if your problem is not perceived as your own doing. This, by the way, is why so many of us are eager to provide help to a sick or injured animal—a dog for instance. We feel so bad because we know that this was done to the dog and that he didn’t inflict it on himself. Contrast this with the oblivious attitude many big-city people have as they step over a homeless human being in the street. He’s probably on drugs, or a drunk, they may think to themselves. How did “they get themselves” into this mess? When the individual is not responsible, we feel empathy, which motivates within us a strong desire to try to be helpful. You do this by making the person you want to help aware—if this is the case—that the situation you find yourself in was caused by external events and that you are in a sense a victim of the situation.

  6. Similarity

  Put simply, we tend to help more those whom we like and we like those who are like us. (For a more detailed explanation see Chapter 1, Get Anyone to Like You...Every Time.) The fact is that we are always more inclined to help those whom we like and we often like someone because he is “just like us” or is similar in some respects.

  7. Internal Consistency

  Fascinating studies regarding memory and behavior conclude that people often base their self-concept on availability, or how easily they can bring information to mind. For instance if you were asked to think of several times where you acted impulsively and were able to recall these events with relative ease, then you would see yourself—at least temporarily—as someone who was impulsive. However, if you had difficulty recalling times when you were impulsive your self-concept would conform around your inability to quickly access the memories and you would conclude—at both the conscious and unconscious levels—that you are someone who considers carefully before taking action.

  And this rule of human behavior is pertinent because it coincides with the law of expectation: We act in accordance with how we see ourselves. You’ve seen by now, through the other chapters, the power of ego and our need for internal consistency with how we see ourselves and how we behave. So follow the logic through: If you change someone’s self-concept then you change his behavior. And now we know how a person’s self-concept is altered: by the ease or difficulty of recall.

  Since we base our judgments on the ease of recall, you have the technique to change how somebody sees himself. Then his actions automatically align themselves with this revised self-concept. This is so powerful because it also engages a third law of consistency. Put simply, consistency is the unconscious desire of human beings to act in a manner consistent with their self-concept. For example, if you see yourself as a loving, caring person, it is almost impossible for you to act in a manner that is rude and obnoxious for any length of time.

  Now if you want a high-strung person to be calm and relaxed, but you don’t think that he will be able to recall too many times when he was calm, that’s not a problem. Research shows that you can achieve the desired outcome—having him temporarily think of himself as a calm person—by having him elaborate on a specific time that he was calm. This is because he will paint for himself a mental picture of his state. And as the saying goes, “a picture is worth a thousand words.” The time he spends remembering the event is a fair substitute for the number of times he experienced it.

  It’s for this reason that some people have such a warped perspective of themselves. They have a computer-like memory when it comes to remembering their failures and mistakes in life: so this is how they see themselves—as failures. Even if our accomplishments far outweigh our mistakes, it’s what we remember, the failures, that dictates how we feel about ourselves.

  Getting someone to do you a favor is infinitely easier with this tactic because we act in accordance with how we see ourselves. And if you change how a person sees himself, then you can instantly change his behavior.

  8. Leading by Example

  Knowing others “did the right thing” invokes an unconscious desire to do the same. It can actually lead to an increase in blood donations, as Irwin Sarason and his colleagues (1991) found after soliciting nearly 10,000 students at high schools. Students who viewed a slide show that mixed in thirty-eight photos of high school blood drive scenes were 17 percent more likely to
donate than those who did not see those pictures. Simply, viewing photos of people donating blood prompted more students to do the same than among those who did not see those pictures. Countless studies ranging from donating money to one’s desire to help someone change a flat tire show this very same thing. The evidence is clear that prosocial models do promote altruism.

  There will be many times when you simply aren’t able to have someone witness others doing what you want him to do. And that’s fine. Because you can enact this law without having this person actually witness another individual helping. And in reality, it can be more effective because as you read above in law number three, you want to avoid diffusing the social responsibility to act. Therefore, if someone learns of all those others who are helping, it may produce the opposite effect. Instead, use metaphors and stories, which are powerful tools of persuasion. Tell him of those who have helped in similar situations (it doesn’t necessarily have to be this one) to produce the desired psychological effect.

  9. The Ego

  Studies conclude that people are more inclined to be helpful to a friend if the friend’s success does not pose a threat to their own self-esteem. This is why we might be more likely to help a stranger than someone we know. Make sure that the person doesn’t feel threatened by you or that you are in some way in competition with her. Also, envy or jealousy at any level can inhibit an atmosphere of cooperation. Try to remove any element of competition between you. You want to promote a you and me against something else, rather than you helping me to get what I want.

  10. The Power of Persistence

  Most people say no because they are resistant to change. Instead of asking just one or two times, don’t give up until you ask six times. According to research, that’s the magic number. Across the board most people will tend to agree to something after being asked up to six times. Of course some say yes right away or after just a few times but keep asking.