Get Anyone to Do Anything

by David J. Lieberman

  Win Over Anyone in No Time!

  Whenever someone acts rudely or cruelly to you it’s always because of one of four reasons. First, she thinks you dislike her; second, she feels threatened by you; third, she acts cruelly to everyone; and fourth, you’ve given her a reason to dislike you. If four is the case, then see Chapter 25 on getting someone to forgive and forget. If it’s one, two, or three, read on for a terrific and highly effective psychological strategy to adjust anyone’s attitude toward you.

  First, make sure the problem isn’t yours. By this I mean that research shows us that a person with a positive self-image tends to assume that others will respond kindly to them. And the reverse is also true. Those with a poor self-image tend to believe that other people simply don’t like them. (Since they don’t like themselves they feel that other people dislike them for the same reasons.) Therefore, if you have a negative self-image, this is what could be causing your belief that you are disliked. If this is the case there are several great books on developing positive self-esteem.

  Moving beyond self-image, if you expect someone to dislike you—independent of how you feel about yourself—she usually will fulfill that prophecy. Even if you have a healthy self-image but believe that a certain person doesn’t like you, you are likely to perceive this person as behaving in a way consistent with your beliefs. Additionally, your expectations may even cause her to behave in this way. Expectations play a powerful role in how our relationships unfold because as we’ve seen throughout this book people will treat you the way that you expect that they will. Make sure that it’s not your attitude or false beliefs that are causing the rift.

  Assuming your self-image, your beliefs, and your attitudes are not the problem, then consider the following research in this area for a rock-solid game plan for turning anyone into your best friend.

  Many studies indicate that once we discover someone likes us, we tend to like him or her as well. This is what’s known as reciprocal affection. We tend to admire, respect, and like someone once we are told that they have these same feelings for us.

  Now what’s the best way to communicate your affinity for this person? Tell a third party, maybe a mutual friend, that you honestly like and respect this person. Once this information makes its way to the other person, you will simply be amazed at how fast she comes around. Whether it’s a coworker, boss, assistant, or neighbor, everyone needs to feel appreciated. Let this third party know how you genuinely feel about this person and watch the magic happen.

  You may be thinking, “Why can’t I just go and tell her myself? Why all this cloak-and-dagger stuff with a third party?” Well, there are actually two reasons you don’t want to tell her yourself. One is that you run the risk of her thinking that you’re insincere. When you hear something from a third party we rarely question that person’s veracity. This is because the thinking is, “What’s she got to gain by lying to me?”

  Another reason why it works better via a third person is because of a quirk in human nature as illustrated by the following study. People with a positive or moderate self-concept respond to others’ liking with reciprocal liking. But people with a negative self-concept respond quite differently (Curtis and Miller, 1986). Just as your self-image will distort how you believe others see you, her self-image will distort how she sees you. If she thinks of herself as not being worth very much or even unlikable, your kind words will seem unwarranted and she probably won’t respond. While simple logic might conclude that a person who feels “low” would relish somebody liking her, you have to get past her mental barricades, which is, “Why is this person being so nice to me? What’s wrong with her?” However, by not bringing up your fondness for her directly, you bypass this negative barrier.

  If she sees you as a threat, then her dislike is rooted in jealousy and envy. You can dissolve her negative attitude in a similar way, with just a slight variation. Here, you want to focus on how you admire her for who she is and what she’s done. It is very difficult for anyone to dislike you or to treat you poorly once she knows that you respect her. By letting her know (again via a third person) that she has your respect, you align yourself with her and she sees you as an ally and not as a threat.

  Okay, you use the third party tactic to turn her around, but when you do run into her do you just make small talk? Talking about the weather isn’t a bad choice, but if you really want to make an impact then use the oldest rule of getting anyone to like you. It comes courtesy of Dale Carnegie, who was one of the greats in understanding human nature. On the occasions where you do speak with this person keep this next sentence in the front of your mind! Become interested in other people and you will get them to like you faster than if you spent all day trying to get them interested in you. And it’s dreadfully easy to get a person to go on endlessly about herself. Just ask questions about her and the floodgates of conversation will open.

  But now a one-sided conversation is more of a monologue than it is a dialogue. So when you do offer up information about yourself remember this rule of human nature. We like people who not only like us but who are like us. If she discovers that you both share similar beliefs or ideas about something you will have created a psychological bridge that will make her feel closer to you and respond more favorably.

  And above all, remember that someone likes you based not on how he feels about you but on how you make him feel about himself. You can spend all day trying to get him to like you and think well of you but it’s how you make him feel when he is around you that makes the difference. Whatever the dynamics of the relationship, by making him feel comfortable, welcomed, and relaxed you will go a long way toward developing a good, true, and lasting friendship.

  Strategy Review

  • First make sure that your attitude is not the problem. If you expect someone to dislike you, you will likely interpret her actions through this warped perspective.

  • Tell a third party that you genuinely like, admire, and/or respect this person. This will engage the law of reciprocal affection.

  • By showing an interest in her you will get her to like you faster than if you spent all day trying to get her interested in you.

  • Talk about those things that you share and have in common—ideas, values, thoughts, etc.

  • She likes you based on how you make her feel about herself. You can be the greatest person in the world, but she will dislike you if you make her feel unimportant and insignificant.

  30

  How to Stop a Rumor Before Your Reputation Pays a Price

  Would you like to defend yourself without getting defensive? Would you like to turn around false accusations and use them to your advantage? Now you’ll be able to stop a rumor dead in its tracks, and gain leverage with this sure-fire psychological tactic.

  Rumors thrive in secrecy and anonymity. This means that gossip survives because by its very nature it’s told in “secrecy.” If you expose the source then the well dries up. The gossiper, in most cases, is not likely to spread rumors once she is exposed.

  This study illustrates the effectiveness of this tactic—how physical anonymity lessens inhibitions. Zimbardo (1970) dressed New York University women all in white coats and hoods. They were asked to give “electric shocks” to a woman. (Of course the shocks weren’t real, but the participants believed that they were.) They pressed the shock button twice as long as did another group of women who were not masked and were wearing clearly visible name tags.

  It’s also easier to do harm to those whom we do not see as real people, and to those whom we do not physically see as well. In war, dropping a bomb on a city can carry less psychological trauma for a pilot than shooting a single man at point-blank range can carry for a soldier. Several parallel experiments show us just this: When we are removed from the person—when we do not see him and he is far away, physically—we are more willing to inflict physical pain. This also holds true for inflicting psychological pain, as in the case of making slanderous statements. Notice that there are two sep
arate psychological criteria. One is that of sight—can we see this person—and second is that of proximity—how near is this person physically to us.

  These studies, and many like it, depict three separate strategies for halting gossip. First, go to the source or to anyone responsible for the rumors and identify that person. Let her know you are aware of who she is and what she is doing. Second, you want to humanize yourself to this person as well. Let her know that there is a real person behind the rumors. Third, do this in person, when at all possible. The actual proximity—the closeness—makes a big difference.

  Okay, so this works fine when you know the source, but what if you don’t? What if there’s just some rumor floating around and you don’t know how it got started or by whom? Or for that matter, what if you do know the person and she just doesn’t care about what she’s doing to you and the damage done to your reputation by these rumors? For these instances, the following psychological strategy is an incredibly effective method of damage control.

  There are essentially two characteristics of a rumor that dictate whether or not it spreads like wildfire or simply fizzles out. The reason rumors spread is that they are interesting and that they sound believable. It’s been said that a partial truth is more dangerous than a total lie. That is because nobody gossips about what is obviously false and blatantly stupid, but with a grain of truth, it becomes plausible and that is what makes it interesting to talk about it.

  But you can use this to your advantage. Instead of trying to deny, defend, or minimize the rumor, which can make people believe it more, simply spread a more outrageous rumor that overshadows that one, but incorporates it as well. For instance, let’s say that a rumor going around is that you’ve been stealing from the company. Denying it can just make you “appear” guilty. Instead, you should spread the rumor that you used the “stolen money” to support your thirty-six adopted children or you used it to buy a seat on the space shuttle. Now this newer more salacious rumor is harder to believe and casts doubt about the accuracy of any of it. Most people will dismiss it as false if it doesn’t sound plausible. They would have no reason to pick it apart to find the grains of truth if the whole thing just sounds made up. This is because rumors are seen in black and white as either true or false. Since there is rarely material evidence in a rumor, each person decides whether or not it makes sense. So the more outrageous it is the less sense it makes and the less interesting it actually becomes. The rumor gets diluted in a stream of obvious untruths, buried under an avalanche of nonsense. Nobody knows what to believe about whom.

  So if going to the source doesn’t work, simply extend the current rumor to include completely outrageous information and the whole thing will just be seen as silly.

  Strategy Review

  • If you know who is responsible for the rumors, go to her and let her know that you are aware of who she is and what she is doing.

  • You want to humanize yourself. Let her know that there is a real person behind the rumors.

  • Instead of trying to deny, defend, or minimize the rumor, which can make you appear more guilty, simply spread a more outrageous rumor that overshadows that one, but incorporates it as well.

  31

  Stop Verbal Abuse Instantly

  Get Anyone to Sit Down and Be Quiet!

  When someone is rude to us our first reaction is to protect our ego. We respond with something such as, “How dare you talk to me like that”; “I don’t like that and now I’m upset”; “Don’t yell at me”; and so on. We make this angry person our problem. Why should you let someone else dictate how you feel? To get angry would be to give another person control over your emotional state. That’s a lot of power for one person to possess, especially someone that is rude to you. This is more than just pie-in-the-sky self-help talk; there’s actually a powerful psychological component to it.

  If you resist your initial inclination to get defensive you may be surprised at what happens. Instead of, “Why are you treating me like this?” try saying instead, “You seem to be having a rough day.” Rather than, “I didn’t do anything, don’t talk to me like that,” say, “This seems to have upset you.” Don’t take possession of his problem. It’s his problem, not yours. The psychological dynamics change dramatically as soon as you use the word “I” or “me.” Then it becomes something between you and him. By using the word “you,” you keep the ball in his court and the problem remains his sole property.

  Aside from not upsetting yourself, you’ve now forced the person to think and respond defensively, in effect explaining his actions to you. You don’t force him to find reasons to support his claim—that you’ve done something wrong. Instead you ask him what’s wrong with him, not you! And let him spend all day on this.

  You will find that by not responding defensively you won’t become as upset by the exchange—because it has nothing to do with you as long as you don’t try to take part ownership of it!

  If this abusive behavior is a part of a larger pattern and you have an ongoing relationship with this person, take a look at the following. At the core of interpersonal relations is the truth that a person will treat you the way that you train him to. You need to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. So the first thing you want to do is to call his attention to his behavior and let him know that it is not acceptable. In a perfect world this would be enough...but we don’t live in a perfect world. So let’s look at why he does this and what you can do about it.

  He treats you this way because it makes him feel powerful. If you are worried about your physical safety then acknowledge his “authority and power” to diffuse his anger. To do this simply say, “You’re right, I’m sorry.” This magical phrase usually shuts down the verbal stream of venom. Then remove yourself from the situation and contact the appropriate authorities. If the above isn’t working fast enough, you can use this tactic: Become more upset at yourself than the person is. He is yelling because he wants you to feel as he does: angry, hurt, frustrated, and small. So if you make him believe that you feel worse than he does, he accomplishes nothing more by yelling. When you beat yourself up he has no reason to continue kicking. When the tirade is over, leave and give serious thought to the relationship.

  Strategy Review

  • Resist your initial inclination to get defensive. If it’s his problem don’t make it yours! The psychological dynamics change dramatically as soon as you use the word “I” or “me.” Then it becomes something between you and him.

  • If you are worried for your physical safety then acknowledge his “authority and power” to diffuse his anger. Do this by becoming more upset at yourself than he is at you.

  32

  Get Anyone to Open Up to You

  Get Specific Information from Anyone

  Isn’t it annoying to ask a question only to get a vague or apathetic response? I suppose. You get an answer, but it doesn’t have any useful information in it. The following psychological tools allow you to easily narrow a vague response to give you a more direct, truthful answer. Here are some examples of how you can distill ambiguity into specific, detailed, and usable information. Notice how much more effective the “b” technique is than the traditional “a” response.

  I a

  Comment: I don’t think the meeting went very well.

  Response: How come?

  Comment: I just don’t, all right!

  I b

  Comment: I don’t think the meeting went very well.

  Response #1: How do you know when a prospect is interested?

  Response #2: Did someone say something or was that your impression?

  Response #3: Were you having an off day or were they just not qualified?

  If you ask for clarification, the person feels obligated to respond. Asking a broad question in response to a general statement just produces more of the same.

  II a

  Comment: I don’t know if I could.

  Response: What do you mean, y
ou don’t know? Or Why can’t you?

  Comment: I just don’t know, all right?

  II b

  Comment: I don’t know if I could.

  Response #1: What, specifically, prevents you?

  Response #2: What would have to happen for you to be able to?

  Response #3: What would have to change if you did?

  You’ll notice in the above that sometimes the person herself hasn’t given it much thought. So by asking these questions you allow her to better understand her own thinking, which in turn, of course, gives you a clearer, more concise answer.

  No one likes to be put in a situation where they feel they have to defend themselves. As a result, oftentimes when you ask someone what she is thinking or how she feels, she replies, “I don’t know.” This response can stall a conversation and leave you searching for answers. Sometimes it’s just easier to say, “I don’t know,” which is often why we say it in the first place. If you answer her with “How come?” as is traditionally done, you’ll often get an “I don’t know” right back. Either way, when you hear, “I don’t know,” use these techniques to get the information that you want. (Pick the ones most appropriate to the situation.)

  “Okay, then why don’t you tell me how you’ve come to think the way you do?”

  “I know you don’t know, but if you were to guess, what do you think it might be?”

  “Can you tell me what part of this you are okay with?”

  “In what past situations have you felt similar to this one?”

  “What emotion best describes what you’re thinking right now?”

  “Can you think of just one reason?”

  “What one word comes closest to describing what you’re thinking?”