5. Don’t assume or insinuate that this is something that he’s doing knowingly, consciously, or deliberately. It’s best to approach this as something he’s doing unwittingly or even unconsciously.
6. Share some of the responsibility if you can. Notice I didn’t say share the blame. This psychological tactic is to make it you and him against this “thing,” not you against him. In other words, you might say something like, “I should have been more specific when we covered this...” This is, of course, more effective than, “I hate it when you...”
7. Offer the solution. If there is no answer, then you should never have brought it up in the first place, because it serves no purpose. And if you believe that no matter what you say he will not take your advice, then also don’t bring it up. If you do then you are only serving your own interests and this will not help the situation.
8. Criticism is most effective when you tell him that he is not alone. By conveying that whatever he’s done or doing is very common diffuses the impact on the ego—meaning he doesn’t take it so personally. And that’s really the reason we become so offended—it’s because we take it personally.
Strategy Review
• The best time to criticize is when you are removed from the event.
• Put time between the event and your critique.
• Tell the person that you are mentioning this because you care.
• Always criticize in private.
• Preface your criticism with a compliment.
• Criticize the act not the person.
• Share some of the responsibility if you can.
• Offer the solution.
• Let him know that he is not alone.
37
Get Anyone to Confide in You and Confess Anything
You can gain a person’s trust instantly and get anyone to open up and tell you just about anything that you want to know. The ability to gain a person’s confidence is simply a matter of following a specific psychological strategy, and is outlined below.
Let’s say that you’re a police detective, a principal, or a minister—you can establish a trusting relationship within minutes with just about anybody. Here’s how you do it. First, if possible and appropriate, tell someone a secret or something personal because this shows that you trust him. But it’s important to make him think that he’s earned it. Otherwise he’ll think you’re a crackpot who just spills his guts to anyone. If he feels that you trust him he will be more likely to trust you. Not only does this ingratiate you, but also it enacts the law of reciprocation.
When you tell something about yourself, not only does the other person feel psychologically closer to you, but he feels a need to reciprocate by sharing something personal with you. He then begins to open up to you and therein lies the real power behind the tactic. This is a fascinating and highly effective psychological phenomenon that works because once he gives you something—even if it’s his opinion—he trusts you more than if he didn’t share this information. The more he shares with you, the closer he feels to you. This paves the way for him to really open up to more personal and private things.
The unconscious interactions at play here are that once someone shares something with you, he trusts you more. The unconscious thought process is, “Why else would I have told you? I must trust you.” In order to reduce the feelings produced by the dissonance, he reconciles this conflict by concluding that he must indeed trust you.
If you’re speaking with someone who is being tight-lipped with any meaningful information, try the following approach. Ask him what he believes about esoteric things like God, or how he feels about reincarnation or abortion, and so on. He will tell you because he doesn’t consider this information to be a threat because it can’t be used against him. He’s just opened himself up, however, in a highly personal way. He’s shared more than a secret; he’s told you who he is, and he has bared his consciousness. This is what makes him feel connected to you and more trusting of you.
Interestingly enough, not all secrets are created equal. Our identity—who we are—is most closely linked not to what we do but to what we believe. The gateway to trust is easily entered through this unprotected back door. This type of information is more easily gained because the person is thinking, “What’s the harm?” But it creates an unexpected vulnerability and attachment. When he does tell you his views, do not argue or debate the merit of his beliefs. If you “coincidentally” share the same views this will significantly increase your psychological bond. You can also increase his need to tell you by having him focus on his emotional state.
This enhancement is based on the following research into support and emotions. Focusing on how you feel in an unpleasant situation results in a greater need to talk about your feelings. In this study, FBI trainees took part in an exercise in which they played the role of abducted hostages. Some were told to focus on the situation, others on their emotional state, and some were given no instructions at all. In this highly stressed situation, self-focusing on emotions led to increased emotional awareness and a strong desire to seek social support (Strentz and Auerbach, 1988).
This is in part why women, who are often more in touch with their feelings, usually feel that their mates do not communicate enough or give them the emotional support that they need. By making the person think about his emotions, you unconsciously force him to seek support from you, to open up, and to share. To apply this, simply have the person focus on how he feels about the situation, not on the situation itself. This will greatly increase his need to talk about it and to express his concerns and feelings. It makes him actually need someone to talk to about anything stressful that is going on in his life.
Keep in mind, too, never to beg. Let him know that your desire to know is not out of curiosity but out of concern. Begging portrays you as someone who’s interested in knowing, not in helping.
Finally, if you want specific information about something he’s done, when appropriate, offer a benefit for telling you. Letting him get it off his chest is okay but not always too effective. Offer concrete help for the situation. If he’s done something wrong or he’s in trouble let him know that whatever it is you are willing to help in any way that you can. By combining emotional support with a concrete offer to help he will open up to you.
In some instances, if he’s done something that he’s not proud of, the last obstacle may be his concern about what you will think of him, so let him know that you will not be judgmental and that everybody does things that he is embarrassed about or regrets. Here, too, would be a good time to share some of your little secrets with him that you’re not too proud of either.
If he hasn’t told you yet, but he’s close and just needs a little more prodding, then this next tactic will help him become more comfortable opening up. It forces him to reconcile why he did what he did and the only way to do that is to conclude that he was justified.
In your conversation, continue to repeat phrases like the ones below, making sure that they contrast a reason vs. no reason. (a) “You could only do what you did if you felt you had to or why else would you?” (b) “Nobody does things unless he has a reason; only insane people do that. But you’re not nuts.” (c) “You did it because you knew you had to at the time. It made sense then, so that’s why you did it. You do things that make sense, don’t you?”
These simple phrases begin to wear down his defenses and he’ll seek out confirmation of his actions. Sometimes they will work right away; other times it may take a little while. But if someone keeps hearing such phrases over and over again, he will break, and you will get a confession.
Strategy Review
• Tell him a secret or something personal about what is going on in your life. When someone tells us something about himself, not only do we feel psychologically closer but we feel a need to reciprocate by sharing something personal with him.
• Ask him about his views on something general. When he does tell you, do not argue or debate the merit of hi
s beliefs. If you “coincidentally” share the same views this will significantly increase your psychological bond.
• By having the person focus on his emotions, you unconsciously force him to seek support from you, to open up, and to share. To apply this, have the person focus on how he feels about the situation, not on the situation itself.
• If appropriate, offer a benefit for telling you. Letting him get it off his chest is okay but not always effective.
• Fear of what you will think of him is often an obstacle. Overcome this by letting him know that you are not judgmental and that we all do things that we’re not proud of.
38
How to Handle Any Tough (or Stupid) Questions
Get Anyone to Back Off Instantly and Win Every Argument Every Time
Being skilled in the art of verbal self-defense can be an invaluable asset. We so often get locked into ridiculous arguments and drawn into answering asinine questions. A lot has been written about such dialogues, but the challenge with much of the traditional advice is that it presumes you are able to have an intelligent, logical, and meaningful conversation with this person. The reason the conversation has degraded to this point is that you likely can’t. Suggesting that you take a deep breath and tell her that you respect her feelings and so on is just plain bad advice. Because it almost never works when you’re talking to an idiot. It sounds good in theory, but if she were interested in a calm and intelligent conversation and exchange of ideas you wouldn’t be locked into this argument in the first place. The psychological tactics offered here assume that the line of communication is no longer open to rational thought. Instead, you need to use potent techniques that will quickly and effectively allow you to take control of the conversation and the situation.
Two Biggest Mistakes Almost Everyone Makes
I: The first rule of effective debate, argument, or heated conversation is to never, ever, get defensive. The minute you begin to defend yourself against an accusation, you’ve lost. Now you’re fighting uphill. When you do this you are giving credence to what is said and you’re arguing with your back against the wall. Unfortunately, this is what many of us instinctually want to do and have been told to do. But it’s wrong. If you’ve ever watched anyone get defensive, he not only can appear guilty but he quickly becomes a verbal punching bag by constantly being on the defensive.
II: The other big mistake we make is to accept the person’s premise and argue from that point. For instance someone says to you, “You don’t look very good. Why don’t you take better care of yourself?” The starting point for the conversation is that you don’t look very good. That’s not the premise you want to start from because then no matter what you say as to why you do, don’t, or how you take care of yourself, you’re still operating from a deficit and a disadvantage. For instance, if you say, “Well, that’s because I was up all night...” then she says, “Why were you up all night? Aren’t you able to finish the work?” Now you’re in an argument and you’re forced to defend yourself.
The Solution
Since your objective is not to get defensive, you need to go on the offensive. This way you can defend yourself without getting defensive. When asked a question that you feel is a cheap shot respond with: “What answer would satisfy you?”
When you ask this question you’ll get one of two responses. You may get an “I don’t know,” in which case you can respond with “Well, if you asked the question and don’t know what answer you want, how am I supposed to know?”
The other answer is the one you’ll likely get and it will be something specific—but now you’ve got something to work with. And notice that she’s the one answering your questions, with her back against the wall. For instance, someone says that you’re not old enough to be doing “X.” Instead of saying, “Yes, I am because of...” (which is defensive, because now she’s going to pick apart your reasons), your preferred answer is “How old would you like me to be?” For argument’s sake let’s say that she says thirty-four. “Well, what about thirty-three, is that too young?” is your answer. Now the person has to defend what she said instead of you defending yourself!
Here’s the best part. When you ask someone to get more specific, it’s harder for her to justify her statement and corresponding beliefs. For example, she now has to define the differences between thirty-three and thirty-four. No one can do this. Then when she does give an answer, you continue to press her further as to why she feels this way and ask her to be more specific
The strategy here is to ask her to explain why her premise is right, not why your answer is. To anyone listening and watching she’s going to appear to be very rigid and unyielding because she has to defend herself against her own ideas. And in actuality, any idea or belief that is reduced to specifics almost always sounds silly when you try to defend it.
So when you’re asked a question, don’t get defensive and don’t argue from her premise. Ask her a question as to why she believes what she does and have her argue her point.
Stupid Statements
Now what about those times when someone says something stupid about or to you, but not in the form of a question? Any usual attempt to defend yourself will sound like you’re justifying the comment and getting way too defensive and upset. Again though, you can turn the tables on someone in a second.
The Solution
In response to something ridiculous like, “You’d be nothing without me” or “That’s so stupid what you did,” say, “You don’t even believe that’s true.” Now again, the person has to defend what he’s said and you can argue with him about his reasons instead of him arguing with you about yours.
Another great response is “Why would you say something like that?” or “Why are you finding fault with everything? Aren’t you at all happy with anything in your life?” You see, just by not getting defensive you force him to explain himself and you never have to say the word “I” because if you don’t make it about you then he can’t argue with you!
Turn Any Argument Around
Okay, but what if you’re losing the argument, you don’t have the facts on your side, and you just want out? Don’t worry, this wonderful psychological technique will save you in an instant.
If you don’t like the question you’re asked, then don’t answer it; answer a different one. To do this, simply say something such as, “In terms of what?” or “How exactly do you mean?” This forces a person to rephrase the question and you’ll answer this new specific question instead of the original one, and all without seeming to have dodged it. For instance, you’re asked, “How come all of the workers are complaining about the conditions?” There’s no way you can answer that and win. It’s like asking somebody if he’s still beating his wife. Any answer is a bad one. So ask the other person to clarify her question and answer the new specific question. Here’s how the exchange might go:
“How exactly do you mean?”
“Oh, José, Fred, and I think Beth has said that nobody gets long enough lunch breaks.” Now you’ve got three people complaining about the lunch hour instead of every worker complaining about the conditions. It becomes a much easier question and situation to deal with, but you can still narrow it further and the questioner will begin to seem very argumentative instead of you.
“Lunch breaks?” you answer, and continue. “How long would they like to eat lunch for?” You can see that the wind of her argument dissipates quite quickly. You’ve managed to answer a new question, put her on the defensive, and force her to get into specifics.
Again, what’s very important is that you want to avoid appearing as if you are trying to dodge the question. The technique below is another way to gently shift the focus without being argumentative and allow for a more constructive and useful conversation, all without being defensive. If the above techniques aren’t appropriate then use the following:
After being asked a tough question, respond with, “I think what you’re really saying is...” (and then switch the question).
The following illustrates how this is done:
You’re told, “I don’t think you’re capable of running this company.” Respond with, “I think what you’re really saying is that if I could show you how I can not only cut costs but also increase earnings, you’d be interested, right?” Now that wasn’t his question but it implies the motivation behind it. He is forced to agree because there would likely be no other reason why you wouldn’t be capable of running the company. Now you explain your strategy for increasing sales and you never look back.
You’re told, “I don’t think you care about this relationship.” You say, “I think what you’re really saying is that you’ve been hurt and I need to be able to show you that it will never happen again.” Again, now you have something specific to work with. Answering abstract questions intelligently is nearly impossible. Bring it to something clear and specific and then respond. Don’t be goaded into responding to a vague statement. You can’t win. Change the question, reduce it to specifics, and then answer.
Let’s take one more example. You’re asked, “How could you have screwed up so badly?” You respond with, “If I understand you correctly, I think you really want to know what factors were involved that you may not be aware of.” That’s not his question, but it’s a much easier one to answer.
Take 5
Finally, when you’re under the gun and you need time to plan your strategy, use conversation stoppers. These are phrases that are mild trance inducers. In other words, they cause the listener to zone out temporarily while his brain tries to process the information. Use them when you need to gain control of the conversation or to regroup. They give you some time to collect your thoughts while others temporarily lose their train of thought. As you read them, you’ll notice that the syntax is off slightly, and causes the mind to sort of “lock up” for a few seconds while it tries to process the information. This technique is used widely in hypnosis to implant suggestions in the unconscious mind:
Get Anyone to Do Anything Page 15
