“Why are you asking me what you don’t know for sure?”
“Do you really believe what you thought you knew?”
“I understand what you’re saying; it doesn’t make it true.”
“If you expected me to believe that, you wouldn’t have said it.”
“Your question is what you knew it would be, isn’t it?”
“Do you believe that you knew what you thought?”
“Are you unaware of what you forgot?”
Strategy Review
• Never, ever, get defensive. The minute you try to defend yourself, you’ve lost.
• Don’t automatically accept the person’s premise or you may be starting at a disadvantage. Instead gain leverage and ask him to explain why he thinks the way he does.
• Don’t be goaded into responding to a vague statement. You can’t win. Change the question, reduce it to specifics, and then answer.
• If you’re really at a loss, use the power of hypnosis to gain some time to think and strategize.
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Just for Parents
Get Your Child to Behave the Right Way, Right Away!
These techniques show you how to get your child to cooperate with you when your parenting skills are really put to the test.
It should be noted here that often hyperactivity and other behavioral problems are rooted in physiological causes, not psychological. Foods containing caffeine, sugar, or any substance that your child may be allergic to (even something seemingly innocuous such as wheat, rice, or milk) can create a serious psychological imbalance. Remember that small children who have even a few sips of cola can react the same way as an adult drinking two or three cans. Even the most effective parenting skills can be thwarted if your child is incapable of paying attention because he’s bouncing off the walls. Never underestimate the power of diet in your child’s behavior.
There are essentially two elements for gaining cooperation from your child, or for that matter, any adult. They are giving him the feeling of control, and using emotion-based arguments. The following is an example of how both of these can work either independently or together.
How do you get your child to listen to you? Whether it’s a problem at bedtime or not wanting to get dressed, this technique will prove to be highly effective. Give him a choice. Make him an active part of the process by giving him a choice that implies cooperation. For instance, instead of saying to a child, “Will you please sit at the table for lunch?” you say “Do you want to sit in the chair facing the TV or would you rather look out the window at the table?” If you give him the illusion of control he is much more willing to cooperate; and once he commits himself then he will follow through.
This is true for adults as much as it is for children. Studies show us that prisoners who are able to exercise some control over their environments—by being able to move furniture, control TV sets, and switch the lights on and off—experience less stress and commit less vandalism. Research in this area also overwhelmingly concludes that workers given leeway in carrying out tasks and making decisions experience improved morale.
People, and that means children too, need to believe that they have some control over their lives. If they don’t, this can develop into what is called learned helplessness, characterized by a person’s perception that he has no control over repeated bad events or even over routine happenings in his life. This can lead to disruptive behavior and psychological problems. We should say here that giving a child too much leeway, without appropriate boundaries, can also cause major disciplinary problems. Children need parameters and will push as far as they can until they reach them. By not setting appropriate boundaries the child’s behavior will reach erratic proportions until he meets with resistance.
The other element is to not try to sway a child with logic. How do you get her to do what’s best for her? Translate cold hard facts into something that affects her reality. If you want her to brush her teeth, for example, telling her she’ll get cavities if she doesn’t means nothing. Instead tell her that we brush our teeth so we can enjoy the foods we like. She has no frame of reference for cavities but she certainly does for eating tasty food.
Strategy Review
• Behavioral problems are often rooted in physiological causes, not psychological. Foods containing caffeine, sugar, or any substance that your child may be allergic to can create a serious psychological imbalance.
• Give your child a feeling of control over what happens in his life. If you give him the illusion of control he is much more willing to cooperate and once he commits himself he will follow through.
• Use emotion-based arguments. Translate cold hard facts into something that affects her reality.
40
Get Out of Almost Any Physical or Sexual Assault
Smarter Living for Men and Women
Of all the tactics in this book, this may be one that can save more than just your sanity and self-respect, but possibly even your life. To understand the dynamics and application of the psychological techniques, we’ll divide these attacks into two categories: sexual assaults and physical assaults.
To be clear, if your attacker just wants things—your money, wallet, purse, jewelry, or anything but you, give it to him! Any of these items can be replaced...you cannot. If he just wants “things,” then you are lucky.
Sexual Assaults: Apply These Techniques in Ascending Order
Please remember that there are no foolproof methods that will work every time in every situation. You need to assess the situation and do whatever makes sense to you at the time. The following will offer you some options and ideas that may prove to be effective, but for more detailed information you are encouraged to call The National Center for Victims of Crime at 800 FYI-CALL.
5. In situations where you and he know each other—you either have a relationship with this person, or you’ve met before—pretend to be interested and excited in what the person is doing. In an attempted rape situation your only objective is to get away before you are harmed. This can best be accomplished by letting your attacker believe that you do not want to get away. Therefore, if you initiate or carry through some small degree of affection, he, in his heightened state of arousal, will likely accept your intentions as honest. Then, when he is vulnerable or you have an opportunity, injure him and/or leave the situation. Remember that if he believes that you are a willing participant he will behave less aggressively and much differently. This will give you control over your circumstances.
Sometimes the mistake people make is to resist initially, either verbally, physically, or both. Resist your instinct to defend yourself. If you do not become defensive, then he will not be as aggressive and will move more slowly and carelessly and give you your out.
Remember that your first tactic should be to look for an escape, but if you can’t, let him think that this is what you want. Some rapists who know the victim believe that this person wants it, so you don’t need to do a lot of convincing. His guard will be down as long as he doesn’t think that you want to escape. And when he relaxes his guard, move.
Aside from initiating some small gesture toward physical contact, smile. That’s right, smile! We’ve talked often about the power of smiling in this book. This is a universal sign that you are comfortable and accepting of the situation. Let him see a big, broad, wide, encompassing smile.
Depending on how well you know this person, you may need to provide for a “reasonably logical motivation” for your wanting to have sex with this person. If you are convincing enough, you can try to convince him, too, that it has to be just perfect and that you want a change of venue—to go somewhere where it will be more romantic.
If you don’t know your attacker, you can still try to “convince” him of your interest. Assuming you’re able to carry on some sort of dialogue, you should tell him that this is your exact fantasy and that you want it to be just perfect. Tell him what to do—such as lie down, take off your shirt. If he complies then you wil
l have gained some control of the situation. Then, do whatever it takes to either incapacitate him and/or escape. Note: You should be aware that if the assault continues, this tactic may be used against you in court. The defense may use your ‘overt interest’ as an indication that you wished for the encounter to take place.
2. Try to calm your attacker and persuade him not to carry out the attack. Some women have been successful by simply telling their attackers not to continue. For this to be effective the woman must speak confidently and assuredly. You should be direct and clear. “No! Stop this now.”
3. If you are at home, tell him somebody will be back soon. If you are in a more public place, yell, scream, and try to create any type of disturbance.
4. You may be able to turn off the attacker by: repulsing him by vomiting, urinating, belching, and so on; claiming to be sick or have AIDS; pretending to be insane or mentally deranged.
5. Physical self-defense. If you decide to fight, make sure that you are not afraid to inflict serious pain on your attacker. Hit him where it hurts. Eyes, groin, throat, and nose are particularly vulnerable. If you feel that you will be injured and hurt by defending yourself, do not feel guilty. Survival is your ultimate objective. A victim who does not fight back should never feel guilty or ashamed—sometimes it’s the smartest thing to do.
Note: If your attacker wants to take you somewhere, do whatever you can to avoid going with him. Studies show that once he gets you in a car or away from where you are, your chances of being harmed increase significantly. Scream, punch, kick, and do whatever you need to do to not be taken from where you are. The best defense is a smart offense. If you don’t find yourself in these situations, then you will not have to worry about how to get out of them. Be smart, and use caution. You never know who you are dealing with!
Physical Assaults: For Men and Women
If you follow these tactics, you can get out of just about any physical assault. Your sole objective is to get out of the situation without being injured. It’s smarter to walk away with a bruised ego than a bruised face.
1. Okay, somebody did something to you that you don’t appreciate. The problem is you never know who you’re talking with. In an age when many people walk around with a weapon and an attitude, you need to be careful. First a word to the wise. If somebody steps on your foot, cuts you off, bumps into you, whatever...let it go! Did he do it on purpose because he’s looking for a fight? Was it an accident? Does he not like you and want to show that he’s bigger and stronger than you? Is he trying to prove something to you, himself, or somebody else? You don’t always know, and most important, who cares? If you can walk away, walk away.
2. If this is happening with someone whom you know and is beginning with verbal abuse, then understand the dynamics here. The person treats you this way because it makes him feel powerful. To diffuse his anger, acknowledge his “authority and power.” To do this, simply say, “You’re right, I’m sorry.” Then remove yourself from the situation.
3. If the above isn’t working fast enough you can use this tactic. Become more upset at yourself than the person is. He is yelling because he wants you to feel the way he does: angry, hurt, frustrated, and small. So if you make him believe that you feel worse than he does, he accomplishes nothing more by yelling. When you beat yourself up verbally he has no real motivation to hurt you physically because his ego is being assuaged.
4. There’s an old saying: “Never argue with anyone who is crazier than you.” Do whatever you can to make him think that you’re nuts. Scream, yell, talk to imaginary people, whatever. Here’s why this works. He is looking to fight you because he believes that he will be victorious. No matter how angry we get, we rarely pick a fight with someone who we know can beat the daylights out of us. If you do what he does not expect then the person will conclude that you are unpredictable, capable of anything and may indeed be a threat. He’s no longer in control of the situation and, hence, doesn’t feel as powerful.
5. If that’s not working then hit first and hit hard. Don’t start a fight but if you have no choice, make sure that you finish it. Hit him where it hurts. Eyes, groin, throat, and nose are particularly vulnerable.
Strategy Review
Sexual Assaults:
• Resist initially your inclination to defend yourself either verbally or physically.
• Try to calm your attacker and persuade him not to carry out the attack.
• If you are at home, tell him somebody will be back soon. If you are in a more public place, yell, scream, and try to create any type of disturbance.
• You may be able to turn off the attacker by: repulsing him by vomiting, urinating, belching, and so on; claiming to be sick or have AIDS; pretending to be insane or mentally deranged.
• Physical self-defense. Hit him where it hurts. Eyes, groin, throat, and nose are particularly vulnerable.
Physical Assaults:
• To diffuse his anger, acknowledge his “authority and power.” To do this simply say, “You’re right, I’m sorry.”
• Become more upset at yourself than the person is and remove his unconscious “incentive” for physical abuse.
• We tend to stay away from people who are crazier then we are. Act unpredictably.
• If nothing else works, then be practical. Hit first and hit hard. Hit him where it hurts. Eyes, groin, throat, and nose are particularly vulnerable.
http://getanyonetodoanything.us/vid00055.html
Conclusion
This book offers psychological solutions to correcting problems, not people. For instance, if you find yourself in an abusive relationship, this book will certainly help you to take control of harmful situations, but it won’t address the larger issue, which is why you are in this relationship. If people are taking advantage of you, then this book will help you to see through them, but it won’t help you to choose your friends better. Additionally, if you act without thinking and need someone to forgive you, this book will also help you to be forgiven. But if you are constantly apologizing for things you’ve done, it won’t help you to think more about the ramifications of what you do and say and how that can hurt someone.
If you find yourself on the receiving end of a jealous partner, you can easily quash the jealousy with a single psychological technique that takes all of about thirty seconds. But it won’t help you to reevaluate the relationship or to examine the root of your partner’s jealousy.
This is like no other self-help book because it makes life easy without much effort. You simply plug in the psychological technique and the problem is solved. But if you continue to find yourself in these difficult situations, I would encourage you to look more closely at your choices in life.
In compiling these tactics, every attempt was made to instill a sense of morality, using the barometer of “the greater good” for all concerned. For example, lying to protect someone from embarrassment or hurt feelings is likely to be beneficial to everyone. And using deception is acceptable if it will keep you from being harmed or taken advantage of. These, however, are not always black-and-white issues, so appreciation goes to my friend Rabbi Henry Harris for helping me to clarify certain points of morality. If, however, these techniques seem to veer from this “higher ground,” please know that it is not a reflection of Rabbi Harris’s wisdom, but rather a departure to effectively illustrate a point.
You will notice that you feel much better about yourself and life in general. This is because much of our inner turmoil and frustration comes from our inability to deal effectively with people and to handle difficult situations and conflicts. So as you begin to apply these techniques, you’ll find new doors opening up for you as you gain a greater sense of who you are and what you are capable of. And this renewed self-image can help you to shape your future into anything that you choose. Instead of being a victim of the tides, you will be able to direct your destiny and take full advantage of life’s greatest gift—free will.
This book was written to help give you a sen
se of empowerment and control over your life. But with that control comes an incredible, tremendous opportunity.
It can—if you will let it—allow you to benefit others in ways you never could have before. When things in our own life are not going well, it can be hard to extend a helping hand to others. When you’re in control, you’re accomplishing more and feeling terrific about yourself and about your life. Empowering others will allow you to take your personal growth to an entirely new level.
Enjoy your new life.
Bibliography
Aronson, E., B. Willerman, and J. Floyd (1966). The effect of a pratfall on increasing interpersonal attractiveness. Psychonomic Science, 4.
Asch, S. E. (1946). Forming impressions of personalities. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 41.
Carlsmith, J. M., and A. E. Gross (1969). Some effects of guilt on compliance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 11.
Cialdini, R. B., B. L. Green, and A. J. Rusch (1992). When tactical pronouncement of change becomes real change. The case of reciprocal persuasion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 6.
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