Through Your Eyes

by Ali Merci

  “You... You sound almost sad about it,” Asa stated, confusion finding its way into his voice again.

  Carmen could honestly blame Asa if he found her extremely weird to be getting sad about something as beyond her control as the elements of space.

  “I don’t know,” she muttered, her voice sounding deflated to her own ears. “I mean, they’re not equal, are they? One’s brighter while the other one’s light is dimmer as if it’s a given that they can never shine as equals. That one of them will never shine as great as the other because it was created that way.”

  There was a stretch of silence as Asa’s hand paused in its soothing movements against her scalp. “Carmen,” he said after a while, his tone gentle now. “I’m not sure we’re speaking of stars anymore.”

  Carmen remained quiet for a while, wondering how exactly to put her thoughts into words. “I just… I…” She paused, took a deep breath, and then told herself this was Asa, and that she could say just about anything she wanted. “I wonder sometimes if human souls are like that too.”

  “Working in a system?”

  “When they find that one soul they connect with on a deep level, yeah. Except the system would instead be a relationship.” Carmen titled her head back, gazing up at Asa as he bored his eyes into hers. “But there’s that one soul that’s born dimmer, incapable of shining as bright as the other because it was fractured the second it came into existence, just like the secondary star.”

  At first, Asa seemed perplexed, the crease between his eyebrows increasing until something registered in his eyes and then his expression grew angry.

  “Don’t say that,” he told her, voice firm but also pained. “You’re anything but a fractured soul. God, Carmen, every single word that comes out of your mouth is literally gold, okay? You make me question what it even means to be beautiful every time you do something that’s insanely kind, because that’s who you are. Your compassion makes you the strongest person I know, and if that isn’t the personification of light, then I don’t know what is.”

  Carmen shook her head slowly, not taking her eyes off him. “Asa, I’m not looking for assurance,” she told him truthfully. Because Carmen West didn’t need to be told otherwise. She’d long since accepted her fate and needed to learn to live with the fact that some people just would never shine that bright. “I’ve just had this on my mind for a while now and felt like telling you. That’s all.”

  “Yeah, well, screw the stars,” he muttered. “I’m not in love with them, I’m in love with you. And that’s all the light I need.”

  Carmen beamed at him, her eyes shining as she leant forward and brushed her lips against his in a fleeting kiss. “You’re going to be the death of me, you know,” she mumbled against his mouth.

  “Took the words right out of my mouth.” He smiled, leaning his forehead against hers.

  They remained there like that, forgetting about the rest of the world for a few more heartbeats.

  •••

  “Hey, Dad?”

  Carmen’s dad looked up at her from the pancakes stacked on his plate. “Yeah?”

  She dug her fork into her own breakfast, gripping it hard as she tried to keep her eyes fixed on him, instead of looking away.

  “Um,” she said and then hesitated. “I kind of have a date tomorrow night.”

  It had been two days since Carmen had told Asa she loved him back. Two days since he kissed her under a tree wrapped in fairy lights, Two days since he drove her back home and told her he wanted to take her out somewhere.

  Her dad blinked, opened his mouth, and then closed it. Then opened it again. “Oh, that’s, uh, nice. That’s nice, yes.” He looked down, narrowing his eyes really hard at the pancakes like they were going to offer him some sort of advice. “Wait.” He met her eyes. “Is this the same guy who drives you back daily?”

  Carmen nodded, holding her breath as she hoped against hope that her father wouldn’t make an objection like he’d done that day when he met Asa for the first time.

  “All right.” He nodded, looking down at his food again, but not touching it. That upset Carmen.

  “Dad.” She pressed her lips together, softening her tone as she tried to make him understand. “He’s…he’ not like that. He’s good to me. You need to trust me when I say that.”

  “I do trust you,” he said eventually.

  “And I trust Asa.” Carmen offered her father a small smile. “So you’ve got nothing to be worried about.”

  He glanced at her, his forehead creased. “I’ll always be worried about you,” he muttered, but Carmen relaxed once she saw him fight off a smile. “So. The name’s Asa, huh?”

  “Yeah.” Carmen shrugged, struggling to keep herself from grinning at the mere mention of his name.

  “Well, make sure you come back at an appropriate time, yeah?” Her father shot her a quick smile. “I don’t want you returning home all by yourself too late in the night. It’s a safe neighbourhood but I don’t want to take any chances.”

  Carmen stared at her dad, her lips pulled down into a frown. “What do you mean I’ll be returning home by myself? You’ll be here, right?”

  “Honey, it’s a Monday. I’m on call tonight at the hospital, remember?”

  “Wait, that means you won’t be here to greet Asa when he comes to pick me.” She tried to ignore the sudden wave of disappointment that washed through her, dampening the excitement she’d felt since this morning at the idea of going on her first date with Asa.

  It must have shown in her tone or her expression, because her dad smiled apologetically at her. “I’m sorry, love.”

  This wasn’t his fault, she told herself. It was his job, his commitment. There were lives depending on him tonight, and he needed to be there, at that hospital.

  That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, though. So she forced a smile on her face and waved it off. “It’s all right, Dad. I get it, don’t worry.”

  “Maybe some other time, then? Something tells me he’s going to be around for a long while. You wouldn’t have gotten involved unless you were serious about this guy.”

  “We are serious,” she told him, her cheeks beginning to hurt due to the forced smile still plastered on her face.

  Her dad nodded and seemed to look relieved. “See? I’ll get to meet him on another day. Don’t worry about it. You have a good time tonight.”

  Carmen waited then. She waited for the hundred and one questions fathers bombarded their little girls with when it came to a boy.

  Those questions didn’t come, though.

  Because he didn’t want to know. He just wasn’t involved in her life the way she liked for him to be.

  It stung, yes. But Carmen tried to tell herself it was just the impending “family” dinner that was getting to her father’s nerves. She knew that must genuinely be one of the biggest reasons he was so distracted lately, but she doubted he’d have asked more about Asa even if the dinner wasn’t happening.

  It was only when her dad had finished with his breakfast, kissed her goodbye on the cheek, and left the house for work that Carmen let her shoulders drop with a heavy sigh. She let the fork drop to her plate, not really feeling like she wanted to eat anymore, and stared at the empty chair across from her where her father just sat moments ago.

  “His name’s Asa, Dad,” she said to the vacant spot, her voice quiet. “His parents are originally from Mexico, but his dad is half-Dominican. He loves swimming, by the way—” she laughed weakly, feeling stupid for doing this, “—but he doesn’t want to pursue the sport as a career. He says he likes the idea of a legal career, though. Probably become some hotshot lawyer.” Carmen laughed to herself at that last part, but the sound quickly turned hollow and empty, echoing through the walls of a place that was feeling less like a home and more like a house as the years passed by.

  Her throat tightened, a lump forming at the back of it. “What am I even doing?” she muttered to herself, shaking her head in disappointment. “You’re not eve
n here, Dad. You haven’t been here for a while now.”

  Ignoring the sound of her heart breaking all over again by yet another man who was supposed to be her family, she grabbed her plate and began cleaning up.

  •••

  Carmen’s fingers ran over the different fabrics of the clothes hanging in her closet, the blouses and skirts swaying gently as she released them from her temporary hold.

  What was exactly acceptable to wear on a first date? She knew that she didn’t put much of an effort when she went to that party two nights back, but she didn’t really care because she’d felt comfortable in a simple turtleneck and jeans. It kept her warm and allowed her to dance freely.

  But tonight was going to be different. She was going out with the sole purpose of spending the night with the boy she loved, and that meant putting in an effort.

  Not wanting to dwell too much on it, she pulled on a pair of unused black jeans, ripping off the price tag still attached to it, and chucked it across the room.

  Her hands were just about to reach for the cream-coloured camisole when her eyes caught a flash of black and she recalled Asa’s words which now resonated in her head.

  “I’ve never seen you completely in black.”

  “It, uh, it actually looks really good on you.”

  A fond smile crawling across her face, she reached for the black camisole instead, feeling the silk slide smoothly across her skin as she slipped it on. Carmen would have been contented to go out with him in just those clothes, but wearing a sleeveless top would be plain stupid considering the November air was growing harsher by the day. Her gaze flickered to the clock and saw she had only about fifteen minutes left. She quickly threw on a red bomber jacket and paired it with a grey scarf around her neck.

  After applying some eyeliner and brushing through her hair until she was satisfied with her appearance, Carmen spared her reflection one last glance and then headed out towards the living room, only to hear the doorbell ring.

  Her heart instantly leapt to her throat at the sound, and her feet picked up speed until she was practically skipping towards the door. Wrapping her palm around the doorknob, she pulled it open to find Asa standing on her front porch, a make-your-heart-skip-a-beat smile on his face.

  “Hey,” Carmen breathed out, her mouth stretching into a wide grin without her being conscious of it.

  “Hey you.” He smiled softly, his eyes drinking her in as if they were capturing this particular moment and committing it to memory. “You’re wearing mostly black,” he commented, biting down on a corner of his mouth to obviously suppress the huge smile that was threatening to take over his face.

  “Someone once said it looks good on me,” Carmen said, stepping out of the house and locking the door before slipping the key into her pocket.

  “That someone was definitely right,” Asa replied, slipping his hands into his pockets, a gesture that caused Carmen to take in his appearance.

  The cream-coloured crew neck sweater he wore hugged his torso, defining every single muscle from his broad shoulders to his sculpted chest and leaving very little to Carmen’s imagination. It was crazy, honestly, the way she’d always known that he had the looks that caught every eye and a body that made heads turn and yet it was the one aspect of his being that she’d never really given much thought to.

  She’d fallen in love with the way he uttered her name as if there was a constellation waiting to be named after her.

  She’d fallen in love with his mind, the same one that recited a seventeenth-century quote to her in his truck.

  She’d fallen in love with his heart, the very one that returned her art journal purely out of the belief that she deserved her kindness back.

  And she’d fallen in love with his soul, a soul strong enough to make a confession of being in love with her even when she was just a broken version of herself.

  After all that—after telling him she loved him back, after being kissed by him ’till she was gasping for air—here she was, now beginning to fall in love with his body, too.

  Realising she was probably staring at his form for a little too long, Carmen looked up at Asa to find his eyes already on her, causing her cheeks to grow warm.

  “You don’t blush often,” he told her, voice serious. “But when you do, I swear to God it drives me insane.”

  “Were you born with that smooth tongue or did you have to pick up lessons along the years?” Carmen asked cheekily, lifting a corner of her mouth into one of her signature teasing smiles.

  “Does it really matter?” Asa asked, that mischievous glint present in his eyes as his lips formed a lazy smirk. “Because you weren’t complaining about my smooth tongue that night in the park.”

  Carmen’s jaw dropped as all words abandoned her, and something like fireworks erupted in her stomach. “Asa!” she hissed, wishing the ground beneath her feet would just crumble and drag her down with it.

  He laughed and pulled both hands out of his pockets, walking towards her and pulling her into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry,” he said, the ghost of his laughter lingering in his voice. “And, listen—” his voice dropped to a soft murmur, and he kissed the tip of her nose, “—I just wanted to tease you, but if those sort of remark make you uncomfortable, then tell me, okay? And I won’t make them anymore.”

  Carmen’s expression softened and she lifted a hand to caress his cheek. “The comment was out of the blue. It just shocked me, that’s all,” she reassured him. “But don’t worry, it doesn’t make me uncomfortable.”

  “All right then.” He grinned before pulling back and frowning slightly. “Wait, why’d you lock your door?”

  “Dad’s not gonna be home tonight.” She sighed. “Night shift. He’ll probably come in around seven in the morning tomorrow.”

  Asa was looking at her intently right then, making Carmen feel funny on the inside. “What?” she asked, not breaking eye contact even though she wanted to because of his scrutinising gaze.

  “You sounded a little bitter,” he remarked, lifting an eyebrow.

  “It’s nothing.” She shook her head. “I’m just being unreasonable, that’s all.”

  “Missing your dad isn’t unreasonable, Carmen,” Asa said, leaning down to kiss the top of her head. “I’ll get to meet him some other time. It’s not like I’m going anywhere.”

  Carmen smiled contently and slipped her arm through his, pulling him along as she began walking down the porch steps. “Come on,” she said in an upbeat tone. “Tonight is yours and mine, everything else can wait.”

  “I like the sound of that,” Asa said, pulling her in closer to his side as they walked towards his truck. And even if she wasn’t looking at him right then, Carmen could still hear the grin in his voice.

  48.

  Mi Amor, Mi Cielo, Mi Sol

  Carmen knew that there was no such thing as a perfect person, but she was beginning to believe perfect nights existed. Because, honestly, there was no other word she could take from the entire English vocabulary that would better describe their date so far.

  Since Asa was aware of Carmen’s love for nature, he’d decided against taking her to a restaurant and instead brought along a picnic basket then drove her to the public park in her neighbourhood.

  “Pick a good spot,” Asa said as he killed the engine and they climbed out of the vehicle. “We’re in your territory now and I don’t really know the places around here.”

  Carmen shot him a confused smile. “Why did you bring me here then? We could have gone to a place you were familiar with.”

  “Tonight is about the both of us,” he told her, grabbing the picnic basket from the back of the truck while she carried the blanket and the mini icebox. “You like nature and spending your time in fresh air, so we’re at a park, one where you’re comfortable with.”

  “And which part of this night is about you?” She smiled at him, touched at his thoughtful gesture.

  He held up the picnic basket with a grin. “Mexican food—home-cooke
d and a hundred percent guarantee to make you fall in love at first bite.”

  Carmen snorted, the laughter escaping her lips before she could help it. “Tell me you didn’t actually cook for me.”

  “Of course not. I bugged the daylights out of my mum to prepare all this. She made a huge fuss and all that, but it was just a cover. Secretly, she was thrilled that I was keeping her involved in my love life.”

  Something ugly reared its head inside Carmen. Here was Asa, gushing about a parent who wanted to know about the girl he was seeing, whilst her own father had not shown even a shred of interest today. She pushed the thought away. Dad’s working, she reminded herself. His patients needed him.

  They managed to find a good enough spot in the park, and Carmen proceeded to spread out the blanket while Asa set down the icebox and began unpacking the picnic basket.

  “You know, I’ve never had Mexican before,” Carmen mused out loud as she sat down.

  “We talking about food or guys?” Asa raised both his brows, fighting off a smile.

  Carmen just shot him a look of disbelief, feeling her stomach jolt and the tips of her fingers tingle whenever Asa made a remark like that.

  “Both,” she mumbled, trying to ignore the blush as she reached forward to open the icebox.

  “You’re blushing again,” he grinned, seeming extremely satisfied with himself.

  “I thought seeing me blush drove you insane.”

  “Yeah, and you told me sanity is overrated anyway.”

  “That has to be crossing a line of some sort,” Carmen grumbled. “Using my own words against me like that.”

  Asa’s lips slowly pulled up into a smirk as he leant back on his arms and cocked his head to the side, his eyes burning into Carmen’s. “Oh,” he said in a low voice. “I plan on crossing lines all night long, mi amor.”

  Carmen sunk her teeth into her lower lip, biting down on the smile really hard because yes, she loved it when he spoke to her that way.