Stained Hearts

by Parker Williams

  He opened his mouth to say something, but I kissed him hard. I could feel the warmth of his tears as they mingled with mine. I knew that I would spend the rest of my life reminding him he was loved, and the thought had filled me with hope for my—our—future.

  I stretched out on the couch and closed my eyes. I knew I’d dream of Brian, just like I had every night since he died. They always ended the same way, though: me curled up on the couch, clutching the small, sunflower-patterned pillow that Brian had made, with a hole in my heart that I knew would never heal.

  All this talk about moving on? How in the hell was I supposed to do that without him? Hell, I hadn’t even realized what life could be like until I saw him, held him in my arms, had him under me. We were each other’s first and last, and that was perfectly fine with me.

  Chapter Two

  I LOVE my family. They’re the most amazing people on the face of the planet, but… yeah, there’s always a but. My mom kept calling, wanting me to come for dinner. Dad wanted me to come to watch a game with him. Robert wanted me to go out with him and Galen. I thanked them all, but told them no. It wasn’t that I didn’t love them, I just didn’t have the strength to deal with the pity I knew I’d see on all their faces. I got enough of that when I looked in the mirror.

  The thing is, though, my family was there for me. They would always be there for me. Every time someone called, I couldn’t help but think back to Brian and what he’d confessed to me, and the pain it brought both of us. Him because of what happened, and me because I couldn’t take that pain away from him. And though I didn’t want to think about it, I couldn’t help but relive the memories again.

  That first year in college, when it came time for us to go back to Milwaukee for the holidays, Brian demurred. He told me he’d rather wait at home. At first I thought it was his fear of heights and being up in a plane, but when I said I’d drive us from our dorm in Northfield, Minnesota, to my parents’ home, he went as white as a sheet. I pulled him to my chest and asked him to let me in on what was wrong. I wasn’t expecting the story he gave me.

  “My parents are strict traditionalists. It was expected that I was going to come to school and meet a young Asian woman, with whom I would fall in love. I would marry her, and she would bear my children. When I tried to explain to them that it was not the life I wanted, they….” He clenched his fists, and his bottom lip trembled.

  “They what?”

  He turned away, and I had to strain to hear his voice. “I’ve shamed my family. Dishonored them in the worst way. I am now alone in the world, as my father has said he no longer has a son. He told me I could never use my true name again, as it would disgrace him and my family.”

  “Your true name?”

  A sound like he’d been hit in the stomach emanated from him. “My name is… was… Jun Chen.”

  He stood there, a look of absolute devastation on his face. I reached out and put a hand on his arm, stroking it gently.

  “No. Your name is what you want, not what he says. If you want to be Jun, then we’ll call you Jun.”

  His eyes welled with tears. “You don’t understand. I can’t be Jun any longer. I won’t shame my father.”

  I was desperate to stop him from crying. No one that beautiful should ever be so unhappy. “We can fix this.”

  He snorted. “You always need to be the white knight, don’t you? There are some things you can’t fix, you know. I can no longer be Jun.”

  Anger bubbled up inside me at his words, but I stomped it down. It was his choice, and he’d claimed Brian, so that’s what it would be.

  “Then Brian it is. It’s my pleasure to know you.”

  He smiled, but then his eyes went wide. “You can’t tell anyone. Promise me.”

  “I swear I won’t. You’re Brian, and that’s all that matters.”

  “But your parents….”

  “My family will love you. I promise. My mother will take one look at you, and she’s going to push me aside just so she can throw her arms around you. And my father? He’s going to say it’s about time I found someone.”

  The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted them. I hadn’t even told Brian yet that I cared for him. When he smiled and pulled me down to plant a soft, gentle kiss on my lips, I was confused for a moment.

  “I’m glad you found someone. I’m especially glad that someone is me.”

  And then he kissed me for real. It was sweet and chaste, and it melted my insides. With that one act, Brian Chen owned my heart.

  It was exactly as I’d said. When we stepped into the house, Mom turned and her gaze landed on Brian, who stood in the doorway, his hands at his side, trembling. He’d worried his lower lip all the way to Milwaukee, and it had left a bleeding divot in the skin. Without a word, she rushed forward and gathered him up in her arms. He stood stock-still for a moment, until she whispered something in his ear. Then he sobbed and sank into her embrace.

  “I know.” She kept saying it while rubbing his back. “You’re safe here. You’ll always be welcome in our home.”

  That made him cry harder and made me love him all the more. He wore his heart out in the open where everyone could see, but he was used to people bruising it, not treating it as something precious.

  Things took a turn when my father entered the room. The thing about my dad—he was a big man. He was like a quintessential lumberjack with boulders for biceps and a big, broad frame, even though he’d never hefted an axe in his life. Wide in the chest and stomach, with a headful of red hair, a bushy beard and mustache, and piercing blue eyes that when he turned his gaze in Robert’s or my direction, there wasn’t any way we could help but feel like a bug trapped in a jar. I remembered full well when he’d glare at me after I’d gotten home late. He didn’t have to say anything to make me break down and confess my sins.

  So, of course, when Brian saw him, he tried to step back.

  Mom held him tight. “I told you, you’re safe here. Don’t be afraid. He might look gruff, but he’s got a marshmallow heart.”

  Dad stepped over and held out his big beefy hand. “It’s good to meet you.”

  Mom let Brian go, and the way his gaze darted around the room, I was afraid I’d have to run after him. Instead, I moved in, wrapped my arm around his waist, and squeezed. He sucked in a deep breath and reached out to take Dad’s hand.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.” Then, seemingly flustered, he went a different route. “I mean, Mr. Kotke.”

  Mom stroked Brian’s arm. “We don’t stand on formality here.”

  Dad smiled. “My name is Dwight. Please, call me that.”

  “And I’m Rachel.” She leaned in close and stage-whispered, “But you’re welcome to call me Mom, if you want.”

  “Oh, but….”

  Panted breaths and wide eyes showed Brian’s near panic. It made me think that his family had done more than kick him out of the house. I needed to get him out for a breather, and I knew where to take him.

  “Hey, why don’t we go and take a walk?”

  Brian would let me take him through the yard. He loved to watch as the seasons changed, but beyond that, he wouldn’t leave the property until it was time to go home. He never felt comfortable around people if they hadn’t proven themselves to be friends. On this day, our first, he let me show him my family’s heart.

  That started the family tradition that would last for the next twenty-five years. Every time we’d go home, Brian would be nervous and unsure for a few hours, until he was once again comfortable in my parents’ house, and then he’d allow my folks to love on him. He blossomed under their care, soaking it in like a sponge.

  It had taken a lot of time, patience, and coaxing, but he finally relaxed around them, even enough to laugh at Dad’s jokes. My parents thought of him as another son and accepted him without hesitation. And though Brian got to the point where he was more comfortable and came to feel like my family was his, he still hesitated to venture out when I would go to visit old
friends, opting instead to stay with my parents. I did everything but get on my knees and beg him to come with me. Eventually I stopped asking.

  Then came the devastating news. Brian had been sick for a while. Nausea, shortness of breath, dizziness. He tried to pass it off, insisting he was fine, but I wouldn’t accept that as an answer. I dragged him to the doctor, who confirmed that Brian had cancer. He also said they’d do their best to help, but the prognosis wasn’t good.

  After that, Brian shrunk in on himself. He refused to leave the house when we went to visit with the folks, but told me I needed to go out and take care of whatever business I had while we were in Milwaukee. This went on for a few years, with Brian getting sicker, first from the therapy, then, after they said they couldn’t do any more, from the cancer itself.

  When my brother, Robert, brought home his lover, Galen—and even though it was harder for my folks to accept him, because if I’m honest, when we first met Galen, he was an ass—they came to love him and he them as well. Just like when he met anyone new, Brian started out cool but warmed up to the prickly man Robert had brought home. I was surprised that it didn’t take long for the two of them to become friends.

  The previous June, through Robert, I had met his friend Noel and Noel’s fiancé, Lincoln. Ever since then, I had tried to get Brian to come with me to their diner, the Park View. It was always a losing battle. However, one day soon after we returned to Milwaukee for that last visit, he was in the kitchen with Mom, and when Mom pushed the door open, Brian stood there, his hands at his side and eyes down. Mom nudged him and he stepped forward. “Can I go out with you?”

  More than two decades of being together, and when we were in Milwaukee, Brian never wanted to leave the house. Now he was asking? There was only one answer, of course. I really wanted him to see Lincoln’s diner, and to meet Noel and Katy and Lincoln—who was also Galen’s brother, though they had only recently reconciled—and…. And with his time slipping away, I really wanted Brian to see my world.

  “Yes! Oh, hell yes.” I hurried to him and gathered him gently in my arms, remembering how easily he bruised now. I glanced up at Mom, who smiled at me. I knew she’d finally talked him into it, and I was grateful.

  Brian’s first time to the diner, we were welcomed with open arms. I pushed his chair ahead of me as we went inside.

  Lincoln looked up when the bell over the door rang out. “Hey, what are you doing home?”

  “We’re in town visiting my family. Robert is bringing Galen to dinner too.”

  Lincoln rolled his eyes. “You have my sympathies.” Then he groaned and shook his head. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say that. Robert’s been a good influence on Galen. He’s a lot more… not our father now.”

  “Yeah, he mellowed a lot. He’s even calling my folks Mom and Dad.”

  Lincoln shrugged. “We always wanted a real family. I built mine, and now Galen is starting to do the same thing. Have a seat anywhere. I can call upstairs and get Noel down here.”

  “Okay, thank you.”

  The booth I picked gave Brian a great view of the place. Lincoln had been doing some upgrades, judging by the newer jukeboxes. When I saw one of my favorite songs, I fished a coin out of my pocket, slipped it into the slot, and pushed D3. The sounds of Whitney Houston’s rendition of “I Will Always Love You” emanated from the stereo speakers.

  “I love this song. It reminds me of our wedding.”

  The day he sang for me was the greatest gift he could have given me.

  We sat quietly for a few moments, until a familiar voice reached my ear. “Tom! It’s good to see you.”

  I turned and waved at Katy, who this week had platinum-blonde hair with a dark magenta streak through it. “Hey, sunshine. How are you and Meg doing?”

  Katy rushed over to the table, put down two glasses of water, and stood there, a blush on her cheeks. “We’re great. She got a promotion at work. It’s more hours but more pay too. She thought I wouldn’t want her to take it, even though it’s something she’s been after for a long time. I told her if it makes her happy, then I’m happy for her to do it.” She turned her pixie smile toward Brian. “Who’s this?”

  “This is Brian Chen, my husband.”

  Brian’s eyes widened, and then his gaze slid in Katy’s direction, before it drifted back to me, his eyes filled with hope.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “You claimed me to your friends.” His eyes shone. “Thank you.”

  I reached for his hands. “Why wouldn’t I? You’re the love of my life, and I want everyone to know that. Almost twenty-five years, and you still need to be reminded? That’s fine. I’m going to do it every day, so you’ll always remember.”

  His cheeks darkened and his lashes fluttered. One thing about Brian—he was easily embarrassed, but he loved it when I wouldn’t let him hide away.

  “Oh, you two are adorable. And it’s a great pleasure to meet you, Brian.”

  Brian dipped his chin to his chest. “Thank you, ma’am.”

  Forcing myself not to sigh, I realized I hadn’t introduced her. “Brian, this is Katy. She works breakfasts here. Katy, this is the most important person in my world, Brian Chen.”

  “He’s a cutie.” Katy winked at him, causing his cheeks to darken more. “What can I get you?”

  “We’re having dinner with my parents later. I’m just showing Brian around. I figured I’d introduce him to my friends, who, hopefully, will become his.”

  “Glad I’m on that list,” Noel said as he stepped through the door that led to the kitchen.

  “Shut up, drama queen. You know you are.”

  I stood and hugged him when he came closer. It had been a few months since I’d seen him last. After he met Lincoln, he seemed to… I wasn’t sure how to say it. Galen had told me what an absolute shit he was to Noel and how he swore to Robert he’d make up for it. When I saw Noel and Lincoln together, and heard Lincoln calling Noel “pup,” I understood their dynamic. The two completed each other, and it looked good on them.

  “Hey, I got two banana splits back here that somehow appear to be extra. Who wants them?”

  Katy bounced on her heels. “I’ll take one.”

  Lincoln smirked. “Yeah, no. They’re for Tom and his friend.”

  Katy’s lower lip slid out until she was in full-on pout mode. “You suck.”

  Lincoln tilted his head in Noel’s direction. He turned toward Katy, leaned in close, and whispered, “Yes, he does. And he’s amazing at it.”

  All of us, Brian included, laughed, and it felt good. Noel grabbed the desserts and brought back two of the largest splits I’d ever seen. He also had four spoons in his hand, so we all dug in. Brian kept looking at Noel and Katy, but then he smiled at me.

  “Thank you for bringing me here.”

  I reached out and took his hand in mine. “I told you my family would love you.” I tilted my head in the direction of Noel and Katy. “These two? And the guy behind the counter? They’re every bit my family. It’s the ones we make that are the most important. It’s not always the blood we share that make the ties that bind.”

  Though Brian had often claimed he was over what his father had said all those years ago, I honestly believed that was the moment the last of the stranglehold on his heart finally withered away. It took us time and a lot of love, but eventually he confessed the truth of how his father had told everyone in his family that if they spoke with him, they would be dead to him too. He essentially left Brian all alone in the world. It was a good thing Brian had gotten a full scholarship, or otherwise he might never have made it to college.

  In the almost twenty-five years we were together, his family never reached out to him, and Brian stopped trying after they made it clear they no longer cared. He cried, but from that he grew stronger, fiercer. He picked himself up, dusted off his big-boy pants, and showed the world not to fuck with what belonged to Brian Chen.

  Fortunately that included me.

  I WOKE, cold wit
h sweat. Fuck, I was having the dreams again, and I was torn between wanting them to stop and worrying that they would, because then that meant I would have forgotten Brian.

  I went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of cocoa. It was Brian’s favorite drink for us on a cold night, as we snuggled in front of the window and watched the snow fall. I think those were my favorite times with him.

  God, I missed him so.

  SIX MONTHS later, a little more than a year after Brian’s death, I sat in Lincoln’s diner, nursing a root beer float. Noel took the seat across from me, and I could see the pity in his eyes. I hated when people looked at me like that, because they knew I was broken. Internally I understood I was clinging to the past, but how can you get beyond a quarter century of love?

  “I’m glad you came back.”

  I snorted. “Mom and Dad came over to the house, and Dad dragged me into the bathroom, telling me to shower and shave. After I did, they each took an arm and hauled me outside kicking and screaming.” I sighed. “I admit, I was doing the bare minimum to take care of myself. Things just didn’t seem to be important. I barely ate, hardly slept, but if you asked me, I don’t think I could tell you anything I’d done. I mean, there was food in the house, so obviously I went shopping, but….” It was quiet for a moment. “It’s been a year. When does the hurt stop?”

  “I don’t know that it ever does. That’s why family and friends are so important. Your folks are worried. We all are.”

  Yeah, everyone was worried about the poor widower. My heart seized at the word. I hated it.

  “I miss him too, you know.”

  And I did know. Brian and Noel had become good friends. Even though there was quite a few years between them, they found common ground in movies and music. Noel was the first person to talk Brian into going out with him to a concert. Well, it was more like he whined and pleaded until Brian said yes to shut him up. After they left, Lincoln told me how much being friends with Brian meant to Noel. That cemented their bond, and the two became thick as thieves, always getting together to talk. I liked that Brian had a friend.