And Here I'll Stay

by Rita Hestand

  Something changed in her facial features now, almost as though what he said hurt.

  Folding her lips together she got up once more and slowly nodded. "Yes, of course it is. I'm a selfish winch, and you know it. You know it better than anyone. But I've discovered something too. I don't really know you. You've proven that to me. You are a stranger to me. Maybe that's my fault too. Maybe I presumed too much about you. You want a perfect wife, then go find one. Marry her and be happy, I wish you the best. But I'm done, I'm leaving." she announced and got her valise.

  "Uh… you can't leave like that!"

  "Can't I? Why not?"

  "You aren't dressed!" He told her with a grin.

  She stormed to the changing room and dressed.

  When she came out, she had washed her face several times and tried to wash the mad flush away.

  "Anna Lee, we need to talk."

  "There's nothing to say."

  "I bought the horse for you." He blurted and she stopped dead still. Her heart seemed to stop. When she didn't say anything, he went on. "I was going to take it to the Finches back home and have them gentle him for you first. I didn't want you riding some wild stallion. It was to be a wedding present." He said softly.

  She was facing the door, but the valise fell from her hand, she turned slowly to look at him. "You bought it for me?" Her voice softened, but her eyes looked sad. "Why?"

  She walked toward him, and he stared. "I saw your face when you looked at that horse. I know how much you loved Buttercup. I know you wanted him. The ring I gave you wasn't mine to give. The horse was."

  She looked up at him now, he was right in front of her and she stared into those warm brown eyes, with tears in hers. The tears hovered in her eyes now and it was a terrible strain not letting them fall. "People are always doing for me, always trying to please me. I wanted to please you, to set you free, to have a life of your own, not tied down to me. The idiot of Wayward."

  "You're not an idiot."

  "You're too good to me!"

  "Calm down, we can talk about this later. We're going to a dance tonight."

  "A dance?" Her eyes widened.

  "That's why I wanted you to have that blue dress." He smiled. "You're my wife, I certainly don't plan on being anything but good to you." He smiled. "Let's enjoy this vacation Anna Lee." He came closer.

  He lifted her chin and saw the tears in her eyes. "And no more tears. You know I've never danced with you."

  "You never asked me." She told him, letting one tear roll down her cheek.

  "Well, I will tonight." He promised.

  It was a cattleman's dance and Joe introduced her to so many people.

  After talking a while, he reached for her hand, "May I have this dance?" he asked staring into her eyes.

  "Of course," she smiled.

  "You look beautiful in that dress," He whispered as he took her into his arms.

  "It's a beautiful dress," she murmured.

  "So is the lady that's wearing it," he whispered.

  He whirled her around and back into his arms and she gasped at how well he danced.

  "Why didn't you ever ask me to dance before?" she asked.

  "Don't you know?"

  She almost stopped but stared into his eyes, "Know what?"

  "We were ignoring each other back then. It seems we'd both been listening to the gossips too long."

  When the dance ended, he pulled her outside for some air. One of the men he knew followed and tried to chat him up, but Joe was having none of it. "I'm sorry Mr. Brown but this is our honeymoon so to speak."

  Mr. Brown glanced at Anna Lee and smiled, "Well, I'm sorry, I didn't realize. Although, it is the first time I've seen you with a lady. Excuse me, another time then."

  Anna stared at him, "That was a bit rude."

  "I know, but I came here to show you a good time tonight. Not talk about cows and horses." Joe told her.

  "You're bending over backwards to be nice to me now. Why?"

  "This is our honeymoon Anna. I want you to enjoy it."

  He walked straight up to her and took her into his arms, kissing her like there was no tomorrow. She lost breath, lost thought, lost herself in the kiss.

  When he lifted his head, he stared into her starry eyes.

  "You sure can kiss." She whispered.

  "Well darlin' it's always better when two people engage in a kiss. And you always react when I kiss you. That's why I enjoy it so much."

  "You do?" she asked with a bit of wonder in her voice.

  "Don't you?" he asked.

  "I-I… " but she couldn't finish, he kissed her again.

  "You never kissed me like this before," she barely uttered, as he kissed her cheek.

  "We've never been married before."

  "We should go back inside," she told him, her face flushing from the amorous way he kissed her.

  "Kiss me like you mean it, and we'll go inside," he tempted.

  "Joe… "

  "I dare you." He knew she'd take the challenge.

  She walked up to him now and stood on her tiptoes and threw her arms around him and kissed him like there was no tomorrow.

  He smiled against her lips, "I like the wild side of you Anna Lee." And then he threw his arms around her and hung on as they lost themselves in the kiss.

  Someone passed by and saw them wrapped in each other's arms and commented as they passed. "Young love, do you remember that Helen?"

  "Barely, but yes, I do," the woman commented and chuckled.

  Chapter Seven

  My God, Anna Lee cried as she headed for the stable. "I'm so in love with him I can't see straight."

  She swiped her tears away.

  "He'll hate me for this. But I wronged him, and I need to make things right. He's such a good person. But he needs to find his own life, and a wife he could really love.

  "You have so much to give a woman, and I wish I were that woman. I'll always love you, but I want what is best for you, you're loving best friend, Anna Lee."

  Anna Lee had just enough money to get back home, and she didn't cry another tear. She was doing what was right, and it made her feel good, knowing it. Still, something deep inside her broke into a million pieces as she realized this time, she had really messed things up. Because deep down, hidden away in her heart was the real love she held for Joe Callahan. A love so strong it had lasted through the years.

  She'd done something good for a change and she would not allow herself pity. She needed to prove something to herself and to him. If he could make good for himself, then so could she. She'd face her nemesis and tell everyone this was her fault. It was the truth.

  Still, she knew she might have just lost her best friend in the world, and the best man she'd ever known. It looked very much like she was destined to never find true love.

  She left him a long note, telling him she loved him for all he'd done for her, and for the wonderful things he'd done here for her, but she refused to ruin his life. She would face the people of Wayward alone and own up to her deeds, and she'd take the blame herself.

  She bought an older horse at the stables and headed home. Funny but the horse seemed to sense her sadness. She looked at the bay and felt some kind of crazy connection to her. Past her prime, she wore her heart in her eyes. Anna smiled, "You and I are gonna get along just fine."

  Her parents saw her coming, her father murmured under his breath, "She's back."

  Her mother looked out the door. "My God, I had hoped better for her this time, with Joe."

  Her father looked at her mother, "Well, maybe that's partly our fault too."

  Her mother nodded, "Yes, we did push her to forget him. I think she had put him away for a while. But once they married, I thought everything would work out. She's always loved him."

  Anna put her horse in the barn and came inside. "Hello mother, father. I'm home."

  They didn't know what to say to her. When she stared at their silence she put on a fake smile.

  "It didn'
t work out, but I'm fine."

  Her mother came and wrapped her arms around her. "Of course, you are, dear."

  Anna Lee hugged her, a little tighter than usual, but she didn't cry. They probably thought she was heartless. Right now, she couldn’t talk about it. She couldn't tell them why, she just hoped they would understand. Her parents were good people and she loved them dearly.

  "Let's fix supper together," her mother suggested.

  "Oh, sounds good, I forgot to eat today." She told her.

  "Land sakes child, well, you peel the potatoes, you do it faster than me, with my hands the way they are."

  "Of course, mother," Anna went through the routine of supper without a word about what happened. Every time her father tried to ask questions; her mother redirected him.

  Anna knew they were both eager to know but she couldn’t speak of it yet. She didn't know if she did right to walk out on Joe, but she figured she had. Had he been madly in love with her, she could never walk out on him. But he wasn't. If he was wealthy now, there was nothing to hold him back from a good life. And she wanted him to have it. The town would soon forget and forgive him, but they probably wouldn't her. That fact didn't bother her. She wasn't close to many of her so-called friends.

  She was changing, but the very fact that he had wanted her to change made her leave. She was a little crazy she guessed, but she wasn't changing for him now, but for herself.

  That night when she went to her bedroom, she opened her valise and realized she had all the clothes he had bought her. She looked at the clothes and hung them up. The blue dress had been a night she would never forget. Kissed under the moonlight, hearing his sweet words, it was perfect. It was beautiful, and special in every way, but she would not be attending parties any longer. She would not be letting gentlemen court her either. She would not be accepting proposals either. Her life was going to change so drastically, even she wouldn't recognize her. And marriage was not on her agenda ever again. Maybe she should join a convent. But then, she wasn't Catholic.

  She stared out her window, "God, I hope I did the right thing. I know marriage is sacred, but I'm doing him a big favor by leaving him. Now he can live out his life the way he wants to. I was so wrong, forgive me."

  She laid there in bed, wondering what Joe was doing, where he was. Oh, how she missed him. Even fighting with him was better than not being with him. She still held back the tears. She deserved to lose him too. No woman in her right mind would propose to a man, even a best friend. She couldn't depend on him of all people any longer. For once, she had to stand on her own two feet, face the difficulties alone and handle her life like an adult.

  It was plain, Joe didn't love her like a wife, if he had he would have taken her. All three nights she had wondered if he would try to take her, but even after the dance and the most intimate of kisses, he hadn't touched her. That told her that he wasn't interested in being a real husband more than anything. Instead she slept with a man three nights and he never laid a hand on her. Perhaps she should be glad, but she often wondered what a real wedding night might be like. He didn't want her that way, obviously and that was the only way to have a real marriage. That told her more than anything that he didn't want her. And she had no right to think he should.

  Yet instead of being bitter, she was grateful to him. He had tried to get her out of an embarrassing situation. Now it was up to her to face her friends and demand no pity from them. They couldn't call her any name she hadn't already called herself.

  She made up her mind not to mope around the house, too. She was going to do her chores cheerfully. She might even get a job!

  The next day started off well, no one asking questions and things seemed normal.

  "Momma, where's that dress you started making for yourself and never finished?" Anna asked.

  "Oh, well, I tucked it away dear, why?"

  "I'm going to finish it for you." Anna told her.

  "Oh, that's sweet of you, but you don't have to worry yourself with that."

  Anna took her hands in hers, "I want to Momma, please. I need to keep busy right now. And sewing is one thing I’m good at."

  "You're good at a lot of things, dear." Her mother said.

  "Yeah, messing other people's lives up. I'm great at that."

  For the first time in her life, her mother looked worried.

  "Well, alright dear," her mother went to get the material. "I'll go hunt it up, then."

  In two days, Anna finished the dress and was helping her mother try it on. "It looks lovely on you." Anna cried when she saw her mother.

  Her mother's blue eyes twinkled as she glanced in the mirror at herself. "I wasn't sure I could even fit into it. But you've done a lovely job on it, sweetheart."

  "I always liked this material." Anna reached to run her hand over it. "That color really becomes you."

  "You know you could have been a great seamstress." Her mother encouraged.

  "Well, who knows maybe I'll take it up in my old age."

  Her mother smiled and kissed her on the cheek. "I don’t think I'd have ever finished it."

  "Why don't you and dad go to the barn dance this Saturday."

  "Well sure, I guess we could, if he wants to. You'll come with us, won't you?"

  "No Momma, but I want you to go and have some fun." Anna told her.

  "Are you alright, dear?" her mother asked.

  "Never better," Anna told her. "Why do you ask?"

  "Well you usually go to the barn dances, all of them."

  "I know, but I don't feel much like going to dances now."

  After seeing how pleased her mother was with the dress, Anna found other things to do to help out around the house. She milked their cow every morning, fed the hogs, and curried the horses, without anyone asking. She wouldn't let her mind wander to the horse that Joe had bought for her. The gesture had floored her. She didn't know what to say, she'd made such a fool of herself about him giving it to some girl. The fact that he was going to give it to her for a wedding present stunned her. She had no idea he bought it for her. Perhaps he told her that to make her feel better. Of course, he did, he was always thinking of others. Joe was that kind of man, he put others before himself. Well, she could too.

  She put the horse to the back of her mind and continued currying her father's horse.

  "Y-you alright Anna?" her father asked seeing how distracted she looked.

  "I'm fine dad!" she smiled at him and came to kiss his cheek.

  "You don't want to talk about it, do you?"

  "Best to leave it alone, dad." She told him and smiled.

  "Alright sweetheart."

  He started to walk away, and she called out, "Dad, can I talk to you about something else?"

  "Sure," he came back anxious to find out what had happened. But she wasn't going to talk about that.

  "I think Mom would really enjoy going to the barn dance on Saturday. Would you ask her. I finished that dress she was making here while back and it looked so pretty on her. You should have seen how her eyes twinkled when she tried it on."

  Her dad scratched his chin, and a slow smile lit his face. "Well I, I guess I could." He eyed her a bit, rubbing the back of his neck as he did so. "You think she'd like that?"

  "I think she'd love to dance with you." Anna smiled warmly at him. "It's been a while dad."

  He stared a bit miffed. "Alright, I'll ask her then."

  "Good."

  The night of the barn dance Anna stayed home, but she had the extreme pleasure of watching her parents, arm in arm going to the dance. She sighed happily.

  She'd just done something nice for someone else and it made her feel so good. I could get to liking this.

  When they came home that night, they were talking to each other and smiling, and Anna knew she'd done right by encouraging them to enjoy their life together. Funny, how good she felt about it. It was a joy to see them so happy.

  Anna didn't go anywhere for a couple of weeks. Finally, she decided to take a jo
b in town to help her folks out with things for a while. She went to Mr. Tucker's General Store and asked him for a job.

  Mr. Tucker was a big man, with bushy eyebrows and a frown line in the middle of his forehead that never disappeared. He had a full head of brown-gray hair, and eyes that could nail a person to the spot.

  "I don't need any help right now, Anna. Thanks just the same."

  "But I can do sums really well and measure material for you."

  "I can do that myself. I don't have the extra money to hire you, sorry. How come you living at home now?"

  "Thanks anyway, Mr. Turner." She left before he asked any more embarrassing questions.

  She went to the dressmaker's shop and asked Ellen McFadden if she could use some help.

  "Why I could, but I just don't have the money right now to hire someone. You're looking for work?"

  "Yeah, I'm a good seamstress."

  "I thought you just got married!"

  Anna sighed, "Yes, well, thanks anyway, Ellen."

  She left before she asked any more questions.

  Then she saw a sign at the livery stable. She weighed that idea for a moment. Everyone in town would be talking about that if she took a job in a livery stable. But no one else was hiring. She went inside and found Mr. Pettigrew currying a horse.

  "I need a job, and I saw your sign." She told him.

  The man looked her up and down and shook his head, "You're joshin', right?"

  She stared at him as though she'd never seen him before. He was a short skinny man but made of iron, as he could handle anything a blacksmith could.

  "No, I'm dead serious, Mr. Pettigrew, I want a job. I know horses like the back of my hand. Will you hire me?"

  "Anna Lee, does your folks know about this?"

  "Uh… no not yet. I don't have a job yet." She told him.

  "You willing to muck out the stalls and do the dirty work around here?"

  "I am!"

  "Well, you can't do it in skirts."

  "I can buy me some pants."

  He scratched the back of his head and stared at her a moment, sizing her up. "Alright, pants and throw that hair up in a hat, so most don't know it's you."

  "They'll know, but I'll do it."