Adore Me

by Jillian Dodd

  "It's okay, Damian. I'm not mad."

  "For what it's worth, I get it now. You're stuck. You can't go forward and you can't go back. You're like a hamster on a wheel, spinning and spinning but going nowhere."

  I sniffle and wipe the haze of tears from my face. "Exactly."

  "The last time we talked, when you told me you were cracked, I didn't get it. And other than the first night, I haven't seen it. You looked like your normal happy self. But the look on your face when you got out of the hot tub. You couldn't hide it. You looked exactly like you did at your dad's funeral. I'm so sorry I haven't been more understanding. There's no excuse for why I haven't talked to you more. Been more supportive. I was busy doing stuff that didn't matter."

  He wraps his arm around me and pulls me toward his shoulder.

  "Damian, I don't think you can understand what you haven't gone through. Now do you see why I'm not going back? This is killing me. If Vincent hadn't happened, I know I would've been there today. I would've celebrated with him in person. I'm so incredibly proud of him."

  "But then you wouldn't have met Aiden. I like him. And I like his sister a whole lot."

  "I like Aiden too. That's why when I left to come here, I wasn't planning on going back. I can't take heartbreak too. I can't form a lasting relationship with someone when I'm lying to him."

  "I think Aiden loves you."

  "Which only makes it worse. I don't want to hurt him. His nose got broken because of me. Imagine what Vincent could do to him. And what it will do to his heart when he finds out the truth."

  "So you like B more?"

  "Everything with B is familiar. I know what to expect from him. And he's growing up. He's not smoking. God, his eyes are so beautiful when he's not high. And what he did for Gracie. He's like home . . ."

  "But?"

  "But my idea of home is kinda starting to shift."

  "Like how you said Aiden made your loft feel like home?"

  "That's the real reason I can't go back there. Because Aiden ruined it."

  "Keats, how? What did he do?"

  I touch my mouth and start crying harder.

  "He ruined it like he ruined my lips. When he was there, it felt like home. And I don't ever want to kiss another boy."

  "Then don't."

  "But I promised B."

  "Why did you promise him?"

  "Because I want to go home. I want my life back. I want to press rewind."

  "If you did that, then where would Aiden be?"

  "That's the problem. I don't know where all my friends from school would fit into my life. And I'm really worried about B now."

  "Why?"

  "Because if Vincent hears what B just said. It's gonna put a big target on him."

  "Do you still love him?"

  "I've always loved him. It sounds bad that I dated Sander for so long and was in love with someone else, but I was. He was my dream guy."

  "Even before you and B got together--those two years you were friends--everyone knew. Why do you think none of the other guys ever hit on you?"

  "Because they thought of me as B's."

  He nods his head.

  "I even wrote a song about it. Because I wanted that. I wanted to find a girl who would look at me that way. I know you were fighting some when you were on tour with us, but I always believed you'd work it out. I thought you'd marry him someday."

  A wedding flashes into my mind. Our beach at sunrise. Even though it's a crazy time to have guests, it would have to be at sunrise.

  Stop it.

  Don't do this to yourself, Keatyn.

  Think about now.

  "Can I be honest with you?" Damian asks.

  "No, Damian, lie to me. I'm sick of the truth. I want you to tell me it's all going to be okay. Just lie to me."

  I start crying again, so he hugs me tighter. Which, in turn, makes me cry harder as I remember the way he hugged me the night of my party.

  I determinedly stop crying and state, "It was love at first sight for you and Peyton."

  He looks at me funny and says, "Yeah, I told you that."

  I pull out of his arms, get to my feet, and pull him up with me. "Come on. We have something important to do."

  "Where are we going?"

  I smile at him. "We're going to do what I should've done the second you met her. We're going to make a wish."

  He smiles at me and starts down the pathway toward the mermaid fountain.

  "No, this way." I lead him up to my room. "I have something more powerful."

  "Did you make your wish when you got here?"

  "I did."

  "Did you wish the same thing you always do? That you will find your prince?"

  "Yes. Then Aiden gave me his penny and told me to wish for something new."

  "For him?"

  "I think that's what he wanted me to wish for."

  "But what did you wish for?" I hesitate, so he adds, "We decided a long time ago that it's legal to share your wish with your very best friend."

  "I wished for my life back."

  "That's a good wish. And it would solve all your problems at once."

  "Not really, but it's the only wish that would allow me to solve them."

  I look up and see Peyton standing on the veranda. Her cover-up is moving in the breeze as she looks out into the ocean. And it makes me feel good to know that I'm not giving up on the fairy tale. And if I can't have it, I'm going to make sure someone else gets it.

  As we enter the turret and climb the stairs to my room, I say, "You know, when I was little I always thought I'd marry you."

  "That's just cuz I have a castle on the beach."

  "And you sing like a good frog."

  I lead him into my closet, grab my suitcase, unzip the top part of it, and pull out Tink.

  Damian starts laughing. "You carry around a wand? Seriously?"

  "Don't laugh. Ivery gave me this Tinkerbell wand when I left home and told me I could make a wish on it. She was selfless and I'm selflessly using my wish for you--which makes it doubly powerful."

  I grab his pinky with mine, wave the wand at him, and wish, "I wish Damian and Peyton will live happily ever after."

  Damian grins at me, then runs his hand through his hair. "I can't believe I'm excited that you just made a wish for me on a plastic wand. Jesus, I'm in deep. It's just so amazingly weird, though, how we're both here, don't you think?" He stops in his tracks, pulls out his phone, and types something down.

  I know that means he just thought of a song lyric he doesn't want to forget.

  "I better go find Aiden and talk to him," I tell Damian.

  We go downstairs and see Aiden pacing the beach, his footsteps kicking up sand.

  "Keatyn, if you love him, don't let your circumstances get in the way."

  "I don't want to hurt him."

  "You can't have love without risking heartache, and he seems like he's more than willing to take the risk." I nod, but don't move, so he pushes me toward the beach. "It's time to go see if you and Aiden have enough dirt to survive that phone call."

  I must not look convinced, because he adds, "And if you still want him to get on the plane without you tomorrow, I'll personally see to it."

  From the beginning.

  11pm

  "Hey," I say, for lack of a better line.

  "You've been crying," he says, sitting down next to me.

  I nod. "I have lot of conflicting emotions."

  "Did you tell me the truth about when you saw him at your sister's birthday party?"

  "Yes."

  He runs his hand through his hair and shakes his head. I realize now that I won't have to tell him goodbye tomorrow. That he's going to walk away gladly.

  Hell, he'll probably thank me.

  "I was just stalking him on Facebook. He doesn't seem to have a personal page, but he does have a fan type page that he made in August. The first three pictures he uploaded were of you. The two of you." Aiden lowers his head a little, his eyes shiny. "Yo
u looked happy with him."

  "I was happy with him. Most of the time."

  "Tell me about him. About the two of you. When we fought that day, you defended him."

  I feel his pinky grab ahold of mine. It's a simple gesture, but one that speaks volumes.

  He's not running away this time.

  "Of course I defended him. You were way off base thinking our relationship was about sex. Do you really want to hear all of this?"

  "Yeah, I do. From the beginning. From when you met."

  "My mom traveled for her job, so I was tutored. I never went to a real school."

  "But wait, I thought you met Damian at school."

  "Not a regular school. We shared the same tutor and depending on where his dad was and where my mom was, sometimes we ended up in class together. Anyway, I was around adults a lot. My mom always said that I was mature and worldly. But I was very naive about some things. Like relating to kids my age. I watched a lot of movies. Read a lot of books. And I had this fantasy school experience in my head."

  Aiden squeezes my pinky and laughs. "Let me guess, you planned it out down to the shoes."

  I smile at him. "Kinda. It was the summer I turned fifteen. My mom had been with my stepdad for a while, and we were living on the beach. It was the first time since before my dad died that we had a real home, and I knew this was my chance to go to a real high school. I'd seen the movie High School Musical and wanted that. That perfect high school experience. I wanted to be the most popular girl, date the most popular guy, and if the basketball team had broken out into song during practice, I would have joined in."

  Aiden touches my face. "You're so adorable."

  I get tears in my eyes again. Because how could he even say that after what just transpired? He should hate me. "Why do you think that?"

  "I can see the sparkle in your eyes. How excited you were. It's like you believed your life could be a fairy tale."

  "Well, I used to."

  "We'll get to that later. Keep going with your story."

  "So, I got two things for my birthday. They told me I could go to a real high school and they got me a surfboard. My stepdad explained how to surf, then sent me out to do it. I spent hours in the water trying to get it right." I pause, because I can still see it so clearly in my mind. "And then he walked down the beach and helped teach me. Shaggy blond hair and the bluest eyes I'd ever seen. And it was like bam--I was in love. Fast forward two years. He'd become one of my best friends, and I was living out what I thought was my perfect high school experience. I was dating the hottest guy at school. And I was popular."

  "That doesn't surprise me. You're in everything."

  "I wasn't there. My friends considered school activities uncool. I only played soccer. But we had partying down to an art form."

  "That surprises me. I just can't picture you a drunken mess."

  "I wasn't. My perfect boyfriend was the mess."

  "He's the guy you dated for a year and a half but didn't sleep with?"

  "Yeah."

  "So he was gay?"

  I roll my eyes at him. "Yes, but I didn't know it at the time. So it's prom night. I had a beautiful, sexy dress, great shoes, and knew it was the night I'd finally lose my virginity."

  Aiden tilts his head. "But he didn't want to because he was gay?"

  "I still didn't know he was gay, but I guess. He dropped me off at my door after the party and barely kissed me."

  Aiden laughs. Really laughs. I'm afraid he's losing it.

  "Why are you laughing? It's not really funny."

  "Because our proms were like horrible mirror opposites."

  "What do you mean?"

  "You're going to laugh at my stupidity."

  I run my fingers across the top of his hand. "No, I won't."

  "I did what you wanted. Got a nice hotel room. Even had chocolate covered strawberries and champagne." He laughs again. "Honestly, I didn't come up with that. Shark helped me plan it. Said that's what girls want. What she'd want. I think he'd taken a poll or something."

  "Who was your date?"

  He gulps and looks at me intently. "It was Chelsea." He runs his hand through his hair again, like he's struggling with telling me.

  I want to scream and throw a fit. But after what he just heard and how he's calmly talking to me about it, I can't. I bite both my lip and my tongue as he continues.

  "I thought . . ." He shakes his head at himself. "Remember you asked me about my most embarrassing moment?"

  "Yeah."

  "We'd been hanging out since I asked her to prom a few weeks earlier. We'd done everything but sex, so this was supposed to be the big night. I was going to tell her I loved her, ask her to be my girlfriend, and then we'd do it."

  "Did you love her or did you just want sex?"

  He shakes his head. "Honestly, probably a little of both. I liked her, but I wanted more. I should preface this by saying that I pretty much thought I was the shit. Up until that point, I had dated and slept with whoever I wanted. I wasn't like Logan, who was totally in love with Maggie. But after seeing them together, I wanted that. That one person to love me, not just who wanted to hook up with me."

  "Okay."

  "So, we're at the dance. It's a slow song. The lights are dim. And even though I had planned it out differently, it just felt right. So, I told her I loved her, then and there, and asked her to be my girlfriend."

  "That's sweet, Aiden."

  He rolls his eyes and sighs. "She was sort of drunk, and when I asked, she let out a scream and started laughing hysterically. Then she proceeded to grab two of her girlfriends and loudly tell them what just happened and how she couldn't believe I didn't know she was dating-- and fucking-- two other guys."

  "And everyone heard?"

  "Yeah."

  I wrap my arms around Aiden in a hug. "That must've been awful. What'd you do then?"

  "Well, it gets worse. Believe it or not, that wasn't the embarrassing part."

  "What else happened?"

  He looks at me tentatively. "I'm not sure if I should tell you this, but I need you to know. Especially after what happened with Chelsea. Because if you ever only heard just part of the story . . ."

  I put both my hands on his face, forcing him to look at me. "It's okay, Aiden. You just had to listen to my ex tell me that he loves me."

  "That was rough."

  "I know it was. I'm sorry. Please tell me."

  "So, Logan and Maggie--I swear, I totally ruined their night--anyway, they took me to an afterparty. We did some shots. Well, I did quite a few shots. And there were a couple of girls there who felt sorry for me."

  My mind is trying to figure out why he wouldn't want to tell me this.

  Wait. "A couple of girls?"

  He hangs his head in embarrassment and nods. "Yes. Two. My life was out of control. Eastbrooke was a blur of drinking, girls, and sports. And although my friends were proud of me, I wasn't very proud of myself." He pauses and looks at me. "You haven't walked away yet."

  "I've done some stupid things too, Aiden. Things I'm not really proud of. So then you just decided to change?"

  "Sort of. I went back to my hotel room. By then, I had sobered up and was feeling pretty bad about myself. So I sat out on the balcony, drank the champagne alone--straight out of the bottle--and, as the sun was almost ready to come up, I made a wish on the moon."

  "You what?!"

  "Silly, right? You're supposed to wish on shooting stars. But I was tipsy, couldn't find any, and the moon was just there."

  "What did you wish for?"

  "My perfect girl," he says wistfully, looking out at the moon shimmering above the ocean.

  I feel like I just got punched in the gut.

  Could he have really wished for me?

  Could it be true?

  "Um, Aiden, when was your prom?"

  "It was May 13th. Friday the 13th. Weird, huh? Having Prom on Friday the 13th like some bad horror movie. But I guess that was the only time they could
get the venue. Probably because no one else wanted it then."

  Aiden is speaking. Going on and on about Friday the 13th, but my mind is busy calculating. It was 2:30 when I got in my room the night I made my wish. A three hour time difference would be around 5:30am. Before the sun came up.

  Oh. My. God.

  "So after that, I didn't date anyone. Didn't do anything with anyone. Until you kicked a soccer ball at my head."

  I start to cry.

  I can't help it.

  Fate is so, so cruel.

  I want to tell him that I wished on the moon too. That he's my perfect boy.

  But I can't tell him that.

  Not when I have to tell him goodbye.

  I have to make him believe I'm not it.

  That it's someone else and that she's still out there waiting for him.

  And that's when I lose it.

  I put my face in my hands and start bawling.

  Aiden puts his arm around my back. "Why are you crying so hard? Do you hate me? I'm so sorry. I should've told you before, but we were . . . And then everything . . . Please stop crying and tell me what you're thinking."

  I look up at him and say the last thing in the world that I want to say to him. "Because I'm probably not the girl you wished for, Aiden."

  He squints his eyes at me and shakes his head. "Is that because after what I told you, you don't want to be that girl?"

  "No, it's not because of that."

  "Then what is it?"

  "I just don't think . . ."

  He grabs my hand and places my palm on his chest. "Close your eyes. What do you feel?"

  I close my eyes, only because it will be easier to finish this without looking at him. "I feel you breathing."

  "Try again," he says in that voice. The voice that has the power to make me comply.

  "I feel your heartbeat."

  "No, what you feel is my heart beating for you. Always. Only. Ever. For you."

  I open my eyes and look at him, shaking my head. "How can you even say that? After everything?"

  "Because I can feel it. And I know you feel it too."

  "Love at first sight is just a crazy notion made up by hopeless romantics."

  "There's a lot about us that's crazy, but there's a lot about us that's right. You belong with me, Boots."

  "Because I couldn't be anyone else's?" I say before I think better of it.

  I get the blazing love god smile. "So you do listen to what I say?"

  I let out a little chuckle. "Maybe."

  "I always thought Dawson was the reason you were holding back emotionally, but it was him, wasn't it?"

  I nod.

  He flips both our wrists over, exposing our fresh tattoos. "Did you know that each leaf on a four-leaf clover has a special meaning?"