by K. A. Last
Josephine’s smile drops away. Jarred moves Josephine off his lap so he can follow Karen, and Geoff and the others whoop and catcall. Josephine crosses her arms over her chest and stands with her hip cocked. Her frown is so deep she has shadows from the lines between her eyes.
“You asked for it,” Levi says, popping another can of beer.
“You ready?” Karen asks.
Jarred’s eyes go wide as Karen lifts her top. More hollers fill the room. Then Geoff reaches out and grabs Karen’s boob as she’s pulling her top down. She spins around and lashes out, catching the edge of Geoff’s jaw with her fingertips.
“Ouch!” Geoff cries.
“Really?” I jump to my feet and shove him. He falls onto the screen around the fireplace. “You deserve more than that.”
“I was just having fun,” he says.
Levi gets up and grabs Geoff by the collar, pushing him towards the other lounge. “Go and sit down, you idiot.”
I look at Karen as she finishes adjusting her top, and mouth you okay?
She nods, and comes to sit back down, taking up Veronica’s old position on the arm of the lounge with her feet on the seat cushion. Veronica is quiet and stares at her hands, and I get the feeling she’s remembering what Geoff did to her at the formal. Why anyone is friends with him is beyond me.
“Geoff,” Karen says. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare.” He smiles. “You’re not getting anything from me.”
Karen bites her lip. If I were her, I’d be thinking of making him do something that would embarrass the shit out of him. Maybe bring him down a few pegs and put him in his place. But then again, not much fazes guys like Geoff.
“I dare you to kiss Jarred ... on the mouth. Open. With tongue,” she says.
Geoff sniggers and sits back. “No way. We don’t have to do anything we don’t want to. Ronnie’s rules.”
“What, you scared?” I ask. “It’s just a kiss.”
“I don’t do guys.” He looks at Veronica and licks his lips.
I cringe. He is such a sleaze.
“Then you forfeit your turn,” Karen says. “Pick someone to go next.”
“Rachel. You can go.” Geoff takes a big swallow of his bourbon.
“Katie, truth or dare,” she says.
I should have known she’d pick me. Everyone stares at me, waiting for my answer.
“Dare,” I say.
Jarred raises his eyebrows. “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Make it good,” Geoff says.
Rachel claps her hands and squeals. “Oh, this is fun. Ten minutes in the closet with one guy in this room. No lights.”
I raise my eyebrows. “That’s it?”
I’m trying to act cool when really I’m freaking out.
“Pick Levi,” Karen whispers in my ear. “But if he touches you I’ll kill him.”
I turn my nose up. There is not one boy in this room who I want to spend ten minutes in the dark with right now, Levi included. I’m not sure I’m ready to be alone with him.
“Come on, say it.” Rachel smirks. “We know who you want.”
“Katie, you don’t have to,” Karen says.
“You didn’t have to flash anyone either,” I say.
She smiles, and I love her because she knows that just like her, I’m not going to back down from a dare.
I get up from my seat and walk to the door set into the side of the huge staircase that leads to the upper floor. I stop and face everyone, shoving my fingertips into the front pockets of my jeans.
“Levi,” I say, and the room erupts with whistles and whoops. I’m surrounded by a bunch of immature, hormonal idiots.
I don’t miss the smile on Levi’s face before he looks at his feet and stands. He sets his beer on the coffee table and walks slowly towards me. He probably thinks we’re going to make out, but that’s the last thing I want to do with him right now. No, I’m going to tell him that I’m finally ready to listen to him and hear what he has to say.
His excuse for what he did to me better be a good one.
Forgive Yourself
WHEN LEVI REACHES ME, he takes one of my hands and gives it a squeeze.
“You don’t have to do this,” he says.
“I know.” I smile with my lips closed.
I open the door, and pull him into the closet. The door clicks closed behind us, and I freeze in the darkness. I feel disoriented because I can’t see anything. The only thing anchoring me is the fact I’m still holding Levi’s hand.
There’s a murmur of voices outside, and someone wolf whistles again. If the lights were on I’m sure Levi would notice the blush creeping up my neck. The heat prickles my skin. I wasn’t embarrassed out there, but now we’re alone, it’s different.
“I don’t want to make out with you,” I say.
“I know.” Levi’s breath is hot on my ear, and it startles me. He’s breathing in short breaths, and my heart races.
“We have ten minutes,” I say.
“Probably nine now.” I hear a smile in his voice.
“This isn’t funny,” I say around a smile. “I want the truth.”
I stand in the dark and wait. Heaviness surrounds me as Levi lets go of my hand. For a second, I panic, not knowing what’s in front of me or behind me.
“What’s wrong?” Levi asks. “Your breathing’s changed.”
“I ... It’s dark.” I clasp my hands together and stand still.
His hands find my waist and he pulls me close. His warm breath is beside my ear again.
“The truth?” he asks.
“All of it.” I swallow. “Why did you ask me to the formal?”
“Because I wanted to.” His grip tightens on my waist. “And before you say anything, that is the truth. And if I didn’t ask you, then Geoff would have. Veronica dared him to first.”
I scoff. “That bitch! But there’s no way I would have said yes to him.” I shudder, and Levi laughs.
“I was trying to protect you, Katie.”
“Seriously, that’s it? That’s your excuse?” I ask. “I’m a big girl, Levi. I can look after myself.”
“You don’t know Geoff like I do.”
“I have a pretty good idea of what he’s like. But I’m guessing he didn’t tell you about the toilet brush incident.”
“The what?”
“I promised Veronica I wouldn’t say anything.”
“You can trust me, Katie.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Can I?”
“We all know Geoff has trouble keeping his hands to himself.”
“Yeah, well. Veronica found out the hard way.” I pause. “He was getting a bit hot and heavy with her in the girls’ bathroom at the formal. She said no. He didn’t listen. I whacked him with a toilet brush.”
“He said he and Ronnie got it on, which is why Jarred broke up with her, but Geoff did not tell me that. I should’ve guessed.”
“I told Veronica to report him, but she wouldn’t.”
Levi adjusts his hold on me. His fingers splay across my lower back. “Can you see now that I was trying to protect you from him?”
“That doesn’t explain the money—”
“Geoff accepted the dare to ask you to the formal, but Jarred wanted to make it a bit more interesting. He dared Geoff to sleep with you as well.”
“They’re both jerks,” I say.
“Yeah. That’s when I said I’d give them a hundred bucks each to leave you alone. But they only agreed after I said I’d take on the dares myself.”
“So you were dared to take me to the formal?”
“Only because I wanted to. I wasn’t going to let Geoff near you.”
I chew my lip. “And did you pay them?”
Levi’s breath tickles my cheek. “Yes, but not once did I ever consider forcing you to sleep with me. I would never have done that. Can you forgive me for all of this?”
I take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “That depends.”
&
nbsp; “On what?”
“You can’t say all this and expect me to be okay with any of it. I have big trust issues with you now.”
Levi pulls me close again and presses his hands firmly into the small of my back. It’s so dark I’m scared what will happen if I try to pull away. I’ll probably end up tripping over something, and falling on the floor. But I’m scared what will happen if I don’t pull away either.
I stiffen, holding my arms between us and clasping my hands together. I’m not sure where else to put them. Levi presses his forehead to mine.
“How can I get you to trust me again?” His breath tickles my lips.
“Trust is earned, Levi. I—”
He crushes his lips to mine, and I press my hands to his chest.
I didn’t want him to kiss me.
I’m not ready for this ... am I?
Light pours over us, and Levi pulls away.
I blink at the glare.
“Time’s up,” Veronica says. “Looks like you two have been having fun.”
I stare at Levi, and run for the front door.
“Katie,” Levi yells. “Katie, stop.”
Levi’s kisses are amazing, but this was a mistake. I can’t trust him. I can’t trust anyone. I reach the street and look around. The street lamps cast pools of light on the footpath. I spot Josephine’s car. She drove us here. How am I going to get home?
I turn in the direction of the train station, déjà vu washing over me. I’ve been here before, and Levi was the one making me run last time as well. Why do I keep letting this happen? What is it about him that I can’t stay away from? Every time I go back, every time I think we might have something worth fighting for, he reduces it to nothing again.
He keeps hurting me over and over.
“Leave her alone,” Karen yells, and I stop to look back at Veronica’s house. Karen grabs Levi’s arm so he faces her. She shoves him in the chest, and he takes a step back. “You have been a dick to her too many times. I’m not going to let you hurt her again.”
Levi steps towards Karen. “You don’t even know what happened in there.”
“She’s running, so I can take a pretty good guess.” Karen’s voice is loud, and I glance around to see if anyone else has come out of the house.
I twist my fingers together. What do I do? Getting out of here and away from Levi is my number-one priority, but then I look at my hands and remember that I left my phone on the coffee table in the house.
I have to go back.
“When are you going to realise she would do anything for you?” Karen says, her voice sounding louder again as I walk towards them.
“I would do anything for her.” Levi is yelling as well.
“You have a funny way of showing it.” Karen folds her arms over her chest.
“Can you guys stop, please?” I say when I reach them.
Karen and Levi look at me. Levi runs a hand through his hair, and I close my eyes for a second, hating the effect he has on me.
Karen comes to my side. “You okay?”
“I really wish people would stop asking me that,” I say. “I’m going to get my phone.”
Inside, the others are sitting around the coffee table, laughing about God knows what. Me, probably. But I’m beyond caring. I’m tired, and I want to go home.
Jessica stands up. “Katie, are you—”
“I’m. Fine.” I grab my phone from the coffee table. “Any chance we could go?”
Jessica looks from me to Josephine.
“Go.” Josephine waves a hand at her sister. “Jarred can bring me home later.”
I don’t wait for another response from Jessica, heading to the front door and back outside into the warm summer night air. Karen and Levi are down on the footpath at the end of the driveway. Their discussion looks heated, but at least they’ve stopped yelling.
I walk past both of them to Josephine’s car. The hazard lights flash and the locks pop. Jessica must have pushed the button on the keyring. I grab the front passenger door handle and rip the door open, ready to be done with tonight. After I slide into the seat I take a deep breath to calm myself, and rest my head against the headrest.
For a moment, I wonder why I’m so angry. Levi kissed me when I’d told him I didn’t want that, but I still liked it. Am I overreacting? He didn’t keep going like Geoff did with Veronica. Levi backed off as soon as I pushed him away, so am I angry that he kissed me, or am I angry because being angry with him is easier than letting him in?
I cover my face with my hands and close my eyes. There are voices outside the car but they’re muffled, and I don’t try to make out the words they’re saying. A moment later, Jessica climbs into the driver’s seat, and Karen gets in the back.
There’s a tap on my window. I wait for Jessica to start the car before taking my hands away from my face. Levi is at the window making a circular motion with his hand for me to wind the window down. I press the button on the door and let it down halfway.
“Can I get a lift home, too?” he asks.
I shrug and look out the front windscreen. “Not my car.”
Jessica sighs. “What are we going to do with you two? Just ... get in.”
“Great,” Karen says.
Levi goes around to the driver’s side and gets in the back. I close my eyes again, and wait for Jessica to start driving. I keep my eyes closed for most of the trip.
No one speaks.
When we reach Karen’s place, she squeezes my shoulder, and whispers in my ear, “Call you tomorrow.”
I nod but I don’t reply. I like the quiet right now.
Jessica continues on to our street, dropping Levi and I outside our houses. She offers me a small smile. I thank her for the lift, then get out of the car and watch her until she turns into her driveway up the road.
I don’t look at Levi or talk to him as I make my way to my front door. I feel his presence behind me though, and when I reach my steps I turn around to face him.
He stands with his hands stuffed into his pockets. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you when you said you didn’t want me to.”
I press my lips together. “No. You shouldn’t have.”
We stand and look at each other for what feels like forever. There are so many thoughts running through my head, and so many feelings pounding at my heart. I don’t know which way is up, down, left, or right. I feel as if I’ve been torn apart and then put back together again a million times over, and it hurts.
I wish I could explain all of this to him so he’d understand.
“You can’t kiss me and think everything will be okay.” I clutch my phone with both hands. “And you can’t kiss me after I’ve told you not to.”
Levi runs a hand down his face, and rubs the back of his neck. “How else do I apologise? I’ve already said I’m sorry, and tried to explain what I did.”
“That was an apology?” I ask. “You kissed me to apologise?”
“No ... yes. No. I kissed you because I wanted to.” Levi shakes his head and stares at his feet before looking up again and locking his gaze on mine. “Can we start again?”
I close my eyes and take a breath. “Ask me in the morning,” I say, opening my eyes again. “Everything always looks better in the morning.”
Levi smiles and nods. “Okay.”
“Okay.”
“Good night, Katie.”
I wait until he’s back on his side of the lawn before I unlock the door as quietly as I can, and go up to my room. I’m pretty sure no one is home because our driveway is empty. I hope Mum and Dad are having a good time.
When I get to my room I toss my phone on the bed, and pull my PJs from under my pillow. I change quickly, then go to my window seat and pick up my journal. I sit and tuck my legs beneath me.
TONIGHT TOTALLY SUCKED. I should never have gone to that party. I think I said that last time, so I obviously didn’t learn my lesson.
Veronica was being okay for once. She wanted to play nicely. But Le
vi ... what am I going to do? I don’t know anything anymore.
I don’t know what to think about everything he told me. Can I really believe he asked me to the formal to protect me?
He ripped my heart out and stomped on it, but every time I look at him, he melts me.
Is it possible to love someone and hate them all at the same time?
I STOP WRITING, AND bite the end of my pen. Out of habit, I glance over to Levi’s place. He’s sitting on the bottom step leading up to his veranda, his face in his hands. There’s something at his feet, and it’s not until he picks it up that I realise it’s a bourbon bottle.
He’s drinking again.
Where did he get it from? I didn’t notice him having anything when he got in the car, but then again, I didn’t look at him during the ride home.
Why is he doing this to himself?
The front door to Levi’s house opens, and his dad steps out. Levi looks over his shoulder then gets to his feet, the bottle in one hand. I don’t have to hear what Mark says to know he’s angry. It’s written all over his face. He clenches his fists, and takes a step towards Levi.
I kneel up on my window seat, and push the bottom part of the window open, then press my palms to the windowsill. I shouldn’t be watching or listening, but I want to know what’s going on. Obviously, Levi’s dad isn’t happy about Levi’s drinking. I guess if my other son had died because of alcohol, I wouldn’t like it either.
Levi’s dad rushes at him and rips the bottle from his hand, pouring the contents onto the front lawn. Levi tries to grab for the bottle but Mark shoves him away. Levi falls hard onto the path, his hands flying out to break his fall. He gets to a sitting position and stares at his palms. I can’t see if they’re bloody, but I’m guessing they are.
“This has to stop,” Mark yells, standing over Levi.
Levi’s shoulders shake as if he’s crying. “Why?” he yells. “You don’t understand.”
“No, you don’t understand. You’ll end up where your brother is.” Mark goes back up the steps and inside, slamming the front door.
“Maybe that’s where I belong,” Levi yells after him, then he falls onto the path and covers his face with his hands.
