by K. A. Last
My heart breaks a little bit more.
Levi rolls onto his side, and I catch his gaze as he looks up to my window. Now I regret pulling the lattice off the side of the house, because if it was still there I would ask him to climb it.
I’ve been so selfish, focusing on myself when Levi has been hurting like this after the death of his brother. Maybe Levi is more broken than I realised.
I jump off the window seat and go to my door, stopping on the threshold to the hallway. Do I want to go out there? I’m the only one around to help. But can I do that, or will I make it worse? Can I put aside my hurt and anger to help him with his?
What have I got to lose? He needs someone.
I take the stairs two at a time and burst out the front door. By the time I make it onto my front lawn, Levi is sitting with his knees bent and his arms resting on them. I stop at our boundary and take a deep breath.
“What do you want, Katie?” he asks.
“To help ... if I can.”
Levi shakes his head. “No one can help me. I’m too messed up.”
“That’s not true.” I walk over and sit on the grass near him.
“Yeah it is. I screwed everything up with us, and I’m just ... following in my brother’s footsteps.”
“You are not Mason.” I play with the grass in front of me, tugging at the spiky leaves and breaking some off.
“What I am is a disappointment.”
“That’s not true either,” I say. “You were our school captain. You had so many people looking up to you, and being proud of you.”
Levi scoffs. “Yeah, because of who my parents are, and how much money we have. I’ve been nothing but an embarrassment. Not like you.” He moves to the grass and lies down. “You got to where you are because you worked for it.”
“And you think that’s been easy?” I lie beside him and look up at the stars.
“Would you rather have had it handed to you?” Levi rolls his head to the side, but I don’t move to look at him.
“No. I don’t want anything handed to me. If I can’t achieve something myself then it’s not worth it.”
“Exactly.” Levi sighs. “Mason was a hard worker. He got everything he wanted because he earned it. Then because of me he made one mistake, and he lost his life. I lost him. He was my motivation, my support, my everything. Without him, I’m nothing.”
This time, I roll my head to the side to look at Levi. He keeps staring at the night sky. He blinks, and a tear rolls from the corner of his eye.
I slip my hand into his. “I know how you feel, but you need to stop blaming yourself.”
“How could you possibly know?” This time he does look at me. His eyes glisten in the moonlight.
“You may not be dead,” I say. “But I lost you for a long time.”
Levi squeezes his eyes closed, and more tears find their way onto his cheeks.
I roll onto my side, and put my other hand on his chest over his heart. It beats softly under my fingertips. “Mason’s accident wasn’t your fault.”
“I gave him back his keys,” Levi says. “I promised Dad I wouldn’t, but I did it anyway, because I could never say no to Mason.”
“Mason made the choice to drive that night, not you,” I say. “You are not responsible for someone else’s actions. Only for your own.”
“And I’ve made some amazing choices, haven’t I?”
I give his hand another squeeze. Levi may not have made the best decisions about a lot of things, but I probably haven’t either.
I smile. “We’re here now. We’re alive, and the past is in the past. We all make mistakes, Levi; we can’t change them. And maybe it’s not just me who has to forgive you for the things you’ve done. Maybe you need to find a way to forgive yourself.”
Start Living Again
IT’S BEEN TWO WEEKS since I laid on the front lawn with Levi, staring at the stars. We haven’t spoken much since then, and I think he’s keeping his distance to give me some space, but now I’m leaving with Karen to head north for schoolies, and I wish Levi and I had made the time to resolve things a bit more.
Karen pulls into my driveway, and I roll my suitcase to the car.
“Don’t do anything stupid,” Daniel says, following me.
I smirk. “Me? As if.”
Daniel shrugs. “Dad told me to say that.”
“He couldn’t say it himself?” I glance over my shoulder as Mum and Dad come through the front door.
Karen jumps out of the car and pops the boot. Daniel lifts my case in and wedges it beside Karen’s. I swear she’s packed for a month away, not nine nights.
“Seriously, Katie.” Daniel slams the boot closed. “Have fun, but look after each other.”
Karen punches Daniel on the arm. “You can cut the ‘concerned big brother’ act now.”
“Bring my sister back in one piece.” Daniel punches her back, but not as hard.
“She’s in the best hands.” Karen winks, and grins at my brother.
Mum and Dad come over, and they both hold me tight. You’d think I was going away for a year.
“Make sure you call us when you reach Coffs Harbour,” Mum says.
“And drive safely.” Dad looks from Karen to me, and back again.
“Don’t worry, Bill. We’ll be extra careful.” Karen beams at my parents.
Mum and Dad go back to the veranda, and Daniel hugs me before following them.
“Spend that money wisely,” he calls over his shoulder.
I laugh then look at Karen. We both squeal, and I run around to the passenger side of the car. As I open it, I hear the screen door squeak over at Levi’s house. I lean on the top of the car door and watch him walk down his front steps. Karen starts the car and Levi quickens his pace.
“Will I see you up at Surfers?” Levi asks when he reaches me.
I smile. “I guess. Maybe ... hopefully.” My cheeks burn, and I bite my lip.
He shoves his hands into his pockets and rocks on his heels. “We’re bound to run into each other somewhere.”
“Probably,” I say. “But, you know ... you can go and have fun with your mates. Don’t worry about me.”
“I always worry about you.” Levi stares at me, and I wish we didn’t have the car door between us, because I want to hug him.
“Maybe a holiday is what we both need. Time away from home might help us figure everything out,” I say, even though I know all I want is Levi. All I’ve ever wanted is him; he’s just made it really hard.
I move to get in the car.
“Katie?” Levi says.
I straighten again. “Yes?”
He reaches out and tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. “Look after yourself.” Then he leans in and gives me a kiss on the forehead.
I smile and nod, then drop into the passenger seat of Karen’s mum’s car. Levi gently closes the door, and when I go to press the button to wind the window all the way down, Karen is already doing it.
Levi leans on the window opening, and bends down to look in. “Can I call you?”
“Sure,” I say. “That would be nice.”
“Have a safe flight tomorrow,” Karen says.
“I’ll do my best.” Levi smiles. “Probably see you some time on the weekend.” He pushes off the car, and takes a couple of steps back.
Karen puts the car in reverse and backs onto the street.
“Let’s do this,” she says.
I smile. “Bring it!”
We crank the music, and head to the highway, turning north when we reach the traffic lights. Karen merges onto the motorway, and I settle into my seat, so ready to take a break from everything and have some fun. The drive to Surfers Paradise is more than eight hundred kilometres, and around nine hours non-stop driving time, so we’re aiming for Coffs Harbour today, which is roughly halfway.
The drive is pretty non-eventful. We spend the hours chatting about the year, what we’ve been through, how we think we went on exams, what uni we’d like to g
o to, and all the usual boring stuff.
“Have you told your parents yet?” Karen asks.
“You mean about doing a fine arts degree?” I shake my head. “No. Mum will freak. She keeps telling me how I’m so smart I can do anything. I’m not sure ‘artist’ is on her list.”
“What about Bill? He’s always been pretty supportive of anything you’ve wanted to do.”
“Yeah, but I reckon he’ll take Mum’s side.”
We both go quiet. For a while we don’t talk, and sing along to the music at the top of our lungs instead. I love Karen for not pressing me about anything to do with Levi. And I love her even more for knowing me well enough to be able to tell that I don’t want to talk about him.
“So ... What do you want to do this week?” Karen asks.
“Lie on the beach,” I say. “With my journal and a good book.”
“We should go shopping, too,” Karen says. “And eat as much ice cream as we can.”
“I’m sure Jess and Stacey will want to go out to dinner.”
“Of course.” Karen glances at me and smiles. “And we can also stay in and have a girlie night.”
“Or two.” I smile back.
“Or three ... if you want.”
Karen knows that’s exactly what I’d prefer over going to dinner or out to a nightclub. I was the last of us to turn eighteen, so now we’re all legal, I’m pretty sure there will be one or two nights where the four of us will go dancing. I think I’m looking forward to it, but I’m also looking forward to chilling out.
We stop at Taree for a quick lunch, and to switch drivers. Karen uses the fuel card her parents gave us to fill up the car, and we get back on the road. Around three hours later we arrive in Coffs, and Karen uses Google Maps for directions to the caravan park where Mum and Dad booked us a cabin.
It isn’t much, but it’s a bed. After a quick call to our parents, we grab dinner from a Chinese takeaway across the street, and have a picnic on the floor in the cabin. There’s not much on TV, so Karen logs on to Netflix on her phone, and we huddle together on the lounge.
I rest my head on her shoulder, and stare at the phone screen, but don’t really see what’s playing on it.
“Do you think things will ever work themselves out?” I ask.
Karen rests her head on top of mine. “You mean with Levi?” She takes a deep breath. “I think you’ve known each other far too long to give up now. Yes, the guy can be a dick, but I do believe he cares about you.”
I sigh. “Sometimes he has a funny way of showing it.”
“Guys are idiots.”
I laugh. “Yeah.”
We watch the screen for a while until the show stops. I yawn and sit up to stretch, then yawn again.
“We should go to bed,” Karen says, standing. “More driving tomorrow.”
I nod, but there’s something I want to get off my chest first. “You know, Levi’s drinking has been getting worse.”
Karen stops and faces me. “I thought he only drank at parties.”
I shake my head. “The fight we saw him have with his dad the other night ... I’ve seen it more than once. Levi blames himself for Mason’s death, and I think maybe his parents do, too.”
Karen sits beside me. “That’s a big call.”
“I know, but I just ... I want to help him.”
“Well, I guess you have to try and be there for him if he needs you.” She stands again. “Come on. Bedtime. Everything will look better in the morning.”
I smile, because I told Levi exactly the same thing.
We go to bed, and I lie there for a while, taking slow and even breaths. We’ve only just left on this trip away and I’m already homesick. I want to be in my room, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling. I want to know that Levi is right next door. Instead, he’s probably out drinking with his mates.
The thought of him drinking scares me, and I squeeze my eyes closed. How am I supposed to help him? For all I know it could be nothing to worry about, but my instincts are telling me otherwise.
I must fall asleep, because the next thing I know, Karen is tapping me on the shoulder, and the sun is shining through the window.
“Let’s get this party started,” Karen says.
I look at her through bleary eyes. “Are you showered and dressed already?”
She grins. “In four hours we’ll be soaking up the sun, sand, and surf.”
“Make that five. I need to get ready.” I push myself up, and swing my legs over the bed. “What time is it?”
“Seven-thirty. Now, come on.” Karen grabs my arm and pulls me to my feet.
After I have a quick shower and get dressed, we throw our stuff in the car, check out, and hit the road. We pump the music and sing along at the top of our voices, and I try to enjoy the ride, but I can’t help my thoughts drifting back to Levi.
I lean down and grab my phone from my bag sitting at my feet. There are no missed calls from him, or anyone. Should I call him? Maybe I should leave him alone. But now that I’m away from him, I’m not sure I want to be.
Levi will be getting on a plane soon, and he’ll probably reach Surfers before us. Knowing we’re both going in the same direction is comforting.
“Want me to turn the music down?” Karen yells.
“What? No.” I shake my head and smile. “I’m good.”
She turns it down anyway. “You going to call someone?”
I sigh. “Levi hasn’t called yet.” I run my finger over my phone screen, and it lights up.
“Give him a chance,” Karen says. “He’ll probably call tonight or tomorrow once he knows you’re actually at Surfers.”
“Maybe I’ll call him when we get there.”
“Which will be in about half an hour,” Karen says. “We just crossed the border.”
“Oh. I missed the sign.”
Karen smiles. “I always miss the sign.”
I wind my window down to get some air on my face, and soon we’re pulling into the driveway of our hotel. The concierge loads our bags onto a trolley, and Karen and I check in while the valet parks the car.
“Five-star service,” I say. “Nice.”
“I’ll call Jess.” Karen pulls her phone out, grinning. She dials Jessica’s number and puts the phone to her ear. Her eyes light up. “We’re here.”
I can hear Jessica and Stacey squealing at the other end of the phone.
Karen hangs up, and we jump in the lift and take it to the twelfth floor where our rooms are booked. Karen squeals as she opens the door, bounding into the room, throwing her backpack and handbag onto one of the twin beds, and making a beeline for the balcony. We have an unobstructed view of the beach and the ocean, with glimpses of the streets of Surfers Paradise below. Karen’s enthusiasm is infectious, and I can’t help smiling.
Jessica and Stacey tumble into the room in a wave of laughter and more squealing. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much at my friends and how excited everyone is.
We ask the concierge to dump our suitcases in the wardrobe, then the four of us head downstairs and out to the strip. We have the rest of the afternoon to get our bearings before our first night begins.
Karen drags us through the shopping mall before we grab an ice cream and head for the beach. I dig my toes into the sand and stare out at the ocean. As I eat my ice cream, I think about Levi again, and I wonder for the millionth time whether he’s worth all the pain. I’m like a yo-yo going up and down between loving him and hating him, and now I’m so confused.
I don’t want to be angry with him anymore. I just want him. I haven’t even been here a day and all I want to do is go home and spend time with him. I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a second, listening to the waves crashing on the shore, and the chatter of my friends’ voices. I push Levi from my mind, and look around at my girls. I need to be in this moment with them, not thinking about a boy who has made the past few years of my life a misery.
“Earth to Katie.” Karen throws a h
andful of sand on my legs.
“What? Did you ask me something?” I lick my ice cream to stop it running onto my hand.
“What do you want to do tonight?” she asks.
“Sitting right here sounds pretty good,” Jessica says.
“We could go dancing,” Stacey says. “I feel like letting loose.”
I laugh. “Surfers better watch out.”
Stacey also throws a handful of sand at me, a huge smile plastered on her face. “I like dancing.”
“So do I,” I say. “But it’s our first night. Maybe we can just chill out. You know, hang out at the markets. Go for walks and feel the sand between our toes.”
“Oh no. This can’t be good.” Karen looks past me along the beach.
I turn to see what she’s looking at. Jarred and Geoff are walking along the water’s edge, and I immediately look for Levi. I scan the shoreline and the sand, but I can’t see him anywhere. I’m not in the mood to talk to Levi’s friends, Geoff especially.
“I think I’ll head back to the room for a bit.” I get up and brush the sand from my shorts.
“Want us to come?” Karen asks.
“No, it’s fine. I’ll go call Mum and unpack a few things. Meet you when the markets start?”
“Sure.” She smiles up at me, shading her eyes from the afternoon sun.
“We’ll make sure the beach doesn’t go anywhere,” Jessica says.
I walk up the sand towards the steps leading to the strip. Jarred and Geoff look in my direction, but I keep walking. As I make my way back to the hotel, I keep an eye out for Levi, hoping to run into him, but I don’t.
When I get to our room, I fuss around for a bit, unpacking some clothes and setting my toiletries up in the bathroom, making sure there’s enough space for Karen as well. I wash my face to freshen up, then I go and open the sliding door and sit on the balcony.
A crisp breeze blows off the ocean, and I rub my arms, even though it’s been warm today. I stare at the water, and loneliness settles into my stomach.
“Snap out of it, Katie,” I mumble to myself.
I pull my phone from my pocket and call home.
Mum answers on the first ring. “Sweetie, how are you?”
