Without a Net

by Kimberly Cooper Griffin

  “What happened?” Meg watched her press her stack of dirty clothes into the case, but when Fiona turned to go into the bathroom to get her toiletries, Meg grabbed her by the wrist. “Fiona, please. Can you hold on a minute and tell me what happened?”

  She whirled and faced her. “Your family thinks I’m trash, that’s what’s happening. They wonder what you’re doing with me.”

  Disbelief clouded Meg’s face. “What?”

  She dropped her head and stared at her feet. The pain in Meg’s eyes was too hard to look at. “They think you’re ruining your life by being with me and, and, and…” She wiped at her tears again and used the collar of her shirt to wipe her nose. “…and I agree with them. I don’t know why I didn’t think about it before. Just because this is my path, it doesn’t have to be yours. I took you for granted, which was selfish of me. But—”

  “But nothing!” Meg was still holding her wrist and she took the other. Her towel began to slip and she cursed. She grabbed a zip up hoodie from Fiona’s suitcase and put it on and grabbed her wrist again. “No one took anyone for granted. I knew exactly what I was getting into and—”

  “There is no way you know what you’re getting into. I don’t even know what I’m getting into.”

  “Fiona, don’t use semantics on me. Please. Let’s—”

  A knock sounded at the door. Meg let out an exasperated sigh and Fiona pulled her hands out of her grasp. She backed toward the bathroom.

  “Meg? Are you awake in there? I thought I heard you talking.”

  Meg took a step toward Fiona, who raised her hands in a silent request for her to stop. Meg did so, but her eyes were pleading. She turned toward the door, but her eyes never left Fiona. “I’m getting out of the shower, Mom. I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

  “Can I come in? I have—”

  Meg balled her hands into fists. “Mom! No!” She shook her head. Fiona hated to see the stress in Meg’s eyes as she stared at her, but she continued to back into the bathroom. “I’ll be down in a little while.”

  “Okay, honey.”

  They both stood quietly in the room, searching each other’s eyes. At one time the connection would have felt intimate, in sync, but now it was cold and distant—a search for something neither of them could find in one another. Fiona dropped her head and turned toward the bathroom. There was no way she could stay here.

  76

  Meg didn’t know what to do with herself after Fiona got into the Lyft and left. She hadn’t listened to any of her attempts to get her to stay, and now she was gone. Meg’s entire world had turned upside down in a matter of minutes and she didn’t know what to do. She sat on the steps under the portico and watched the car drive down the long driveway. She tried to make it turn back around with her mind, but it kept on going until it was through the gate and gone. The warm Seattle day did nothing to warm her cold fingers and the chill in her soul. What the fuck had just happened? What had her parents said to Fiona? The deadness in her chest was soon replaced by a fiery anger.

  She walked into the house, accidentally slamming the door as she entered. She found her mother and father sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. They were speaking in quiet voices and immediately stopped when she walked in.

  “Was that you at the front door?” her mother asked, putting down her coffee cup.

  Her father picked up the newspaper.

  She nodded her head, afraid her voice would betray the anger boiling in her heart. She was sure her eyes showed it anyway.

  “I thought it might be CJ and his friend Mike. They went out for a walk.” Her mother’s eyes darted away. It was so unlike her. She was usually direct. Meg wondered what she was thinking. Or was it shame? Was she sorry for something she had said? “Where’s Fiona?”

  “She just left.”

  Her mother’s brow furrowed. “Left to go where?” Her mother looked at her father and back at her.

  “For the airport,” she said between clenched teeth. “What did you say to her this morning?”

  Her mother looked confused. “I haven’t talked to her, honey.”

  “That’s not what she said. She told me about your conversation.”

  “Seriously, honey, I haven’t even seen Fiona this morning.”

  Meg switched her gaze to her father. “Dad? Was it you?”

  He lowered the paper. “I got back from my golf game about fifteen minutes ago. I haven’t seen anyone except Ted and Frank at the club this morning.”

  Frustrated, Meg sat down at the barstool at the end of the kitchen island. She drummed her fingers on the tile surface. “Okay. I’m super confused. Fiona stormed out of here saying someone said they didn’t know what I was thinking getting mixed up with her and she was ruining my life. Sound familiar to either of you?”

  A look of understanding swept across her mother’s face before it went passive. Meg had seen it before—her mother was using her court face to mask her expression. Meg’s anger turned into something almost physical. She didn’t trust herself to be reasonable and concentrated on her breathing.

  Her mother tilted her head. “I think Fiona overheard something.”

  “Overheard what?” Meg’s patience was getting thin.

  “A conversation between me and CJ. Here in the kitchen.”

  Meg splayed her fingers on the counter top. “She came down here to get a cup of coffee for me and then came back crying.”

  “Oh dear.”

  Her mother looked at her father who sighed and pushed the newspaper aside to be more fully in the discussion. “You know your mother and I do our best to never meddle in you or your brother’s lives, but—”

  “What about my life?” CJ’s voice echoed in the hallway leading toward the garage door. No one had heard him or Mike come in and they both entered the kitchen. As keyed up as Meg was, she noticed CJ looked relaxed like he’d been the night he’d arrived.

  “We think Fiona may have overheard the conversation you and I had in the kitchen this morning,” her mother explained.

  CJ looked confused. “We talked about a lot of things. What part of it?”

  His mother swiveled to face CJ. She hesitated, and Meg knew she was trying to be delicate in front of Mike.

  “She heard you explaining what you knew about Fiona to me.”

  The cocky smugness CJ’d worn so much lately rose up. “I’m not sure how that pertains to me.” Meg tried not to roll her eyes.

  Her father looked at her brother. “I wasn’t talking about you specifically. I was simply making a statement about how your mother and I try to stay out of your business. However, it seems we’ve had a rash of overheard conversations lately. You mother heard you and Mike talking with Fiona last night up on the landing. It was none of her business, but what she heard gave her a considerable amount of concern for your sister.”

  Meg was confused again. “Why are you concerned about me?”

  “Maybe I should leave and let you all talk,” Mike said. He started to leave the kitchen.

  “Mike, wait,” her mother said. “This is awkward. What we’re talking about is yours and Fiona’s business, but it affects Meg, too, which makes it our business as well.” Mike stopped and stood self-consciously about a foot away from CJ.

  “Okay,” he said, chewing on the corner of his mouth.

  Meg felt sorry for him, and she wanted to tell her mother it wasn’t her business. But then she remembered how he’d badgered Fiona throughout the summer. He wasn’t blameless. He needed to face whatever came of all of this.

  Her mother looked at her. “Meg, we aren’t sure you know exactly what’s going on, and we’re afraid to see you hurt.”

  Both of her parents turned toward her as if they expected something. “Why are you concerned about me?”

  Her mother took her hand. “Honey, Fiona is pregnant.”

 
Meg blinked a couple of times. “I know.”

  It was her mother’s turn to blink. “And you know it’s Mike’s baby?”

  She glanced at Mike, who looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground. “Yes, Mom. I know. I’ve known almost as long as Fiona has.” She didn’t want to explain how she’d found out, but she wanted her mother to know this wasn’t at all new to her.

  “Oh.” Her mother looked like she had a lot more questions. Getting things out in the open was probably the best thing to do. But how could she get things out in the open without outing people. She looked at CJ and Mike, both of whom looked nervous. Mike actually looked like he might throw up.

  Speaking of outing people. She held her breath. What about CJ? She didn’t know how to even go there. She’d try to stay away from it. As far as she was concerned, CJ would have to bring it up, if he ever would. He so owed her, she thought, feeling like a jerk for even thinking it.

  She looked at Mike. “Mike, not that it’s any of our business, but it looks like people are making assumptions about things, and they may not be completely accurate. Do you want to explain what’s going on? You don’t have to, but it might clear things up and we can all get out of your business.”

  Mike looked like a deer in headlights. The chewing on the corner of his mouth grew more vigorous.

  “Way to put him on the spot, Meg.” CJ laughed. She could tell he was trying to lighten the mood, but it was a struggle.

  “It’s the last thing I want to do,” Meg said, and her anger crept up a notch. “Fiona left this morning to go back to New York because she believes everyone in this room thinks she’s trash. I don’t know if those are the exact words she heard you say, but that’s how she feels. The thing is, getting pregnant by her best friend was the last thing she ever thought she’d do, and now people are judging her without understanding.” She tried to keep her voice steady. “I thought if Mike could explain some of it to the rest of you, maybe some of the judgement would go away and then we could figure out a way to prove to her no one thinks she’s anything but amazing for dealing with all of this the way she has.”

  Meg wasn’t too surprised when Mike was silent as he stared at his shoes. What she didn’t expect was how CJ started to get uncomfortable. Was he afraid Mike would reveal something about their relationship? Because as far as she could tell, her parents hadn’t put two and two together. Hell, she wouldn’t have either, except for what Fiona had told her.

  Mike’s voice was barely above a whisper. “She left? Was she okay?”

  Meg nodded, feeling all of the pent-up frustration and anger coming to a head. “About a half an hour ago. And no, she’s not okay. She’s dealing with a lot of stuff, trying to figure out how to manage this huge thing that got dumped on her for the crime of trying to be a good friend.” She let her eyes shoot to CJ briefly and then back to Mike. She didn’t want to put Mike on the spot with her family, but he’d been pressuring Fiona about the baby for weeks now and maybe it was time for him to take a little of the pressure. “Not only is she carrying a baby she never planned on, she’s been dealing with the pressure you’ve been putting on her about whether she should keep it or not. She’s also trying not to burden me with anything, even though I want the burden. And, now, she thinks my family hates her for possibly ruining my life. What a joke! She’s worried about me and you,” she pointed at Mike, “when she’s the one everyone should be worrying about! I want to help make this gargantuan mistake into a good thing for her—for us! And right this minute, she’s all alone.” Her throat grew tight. “She’s by herself at the airport, thinking everyone in the world who means anything to her has abandoned her.”

  Mike looked like he’d been punched in the gut. Suddenly, she didn’t care at all about putting him on the spot. Some best friend he was!

  “Oh my god. I never thought—” Tears rolled down Mike’s face. He looked at CJ, at her, and then her parents. “It’s all my fault. I begged her to sleep with me. I knew she was drunk. I knew she would say yes if I kept asking. It’s… it’s… my parents don’t understand. No one in my family understands. My friends don’t understand.” He was sobbing now.

  She wanted to tell him his friends did understand, if he’d at least talk about it.

  “Don’t understand what, son?” her father asked.

  Meg was so tired of him making it all about himself all the time. It was time he took responsibility for himself. But she’d let him explain.

  He took a deep breath and she expected an answer making him the victim, yet again. Instead he surprised her. She wished Fiona was there to see it.

  “I’m gay. My family won’t have it. They told me it’s all in my head. If I tried dating women, I’d change.” He looked at CJ, as if for confidence. “But it proved the opposite.” He rubbed his red-rimmed eyes. “I know. It sounds messed up. And what’s even more messed up, I tried to convince Fiona to keep the baby so I could prove to my family I at least tried. I don’t know what I was thinking. Instead of hurting only me, I’m hurting other people now, too. I’m such a freaking idiot!”

  Meg was surprised when her mother got up and hugged Mike. She barely knew him, but she tried to comfort him. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, Mike. Not every family is supportive. And even the most supportive families have their issues.” Meg wasn’t sure, but she thought she saw her mother look at CJ when she said the last thing. She wondered if her mother knew something about CJ, or was it a response to some of the anti-gay things CJ had said to her in the past. “If it ever helps, I’ll be happy to talk to your parents, as a parent who has been there when their child has come out.”

  Mike let her mother hold him, and when she let go, he looked a little better.

  “Some of this is my fault,” CJ said, surprising everyone.

  “How’s that, son?” her dad asked.

  “Um, well,” CJ seemed at a loss for words. He cleared his throat. “I wasn’t very nice to Mike about it, either. I was part of the reason he turned to Fiona to help him deal with his… his… issues.”

  Mike grabbed his arm. “Charlie, you don’t have to—”

  CJ stepped closer to him. “I do, though.”

  Meg had never in her life seen her brother look so vulnerable. All her life, in any situation steeped in any kind of strong emotion, he’d always resorted to anger or belittling those around him. What had changed?

  CJ blew out a big breath and furrowed his brows. He shifted his weight and his eyes grew distant as he seemed to be looking inward. For a brief moment, the old smirk flashed across his face, before he shook his head and it disappeared.

  “I… I… messed with him. Made him think I cared about him and then… sort of pushed him away. That sort of thing.” He had trouble meeting anyone’s eyes.

  Her mother rubbed his arm. “I suppose you weren’t a very good friend, but I’m not sure it could be construed as—”

  He interrupted her. “Not as a friend, Mom.”

  “I’m not sure I understand,” she said.

  CJ raised his eyebrows to underscore what he was trying to get across. The expression of confusion on her face grew more pronounced. “Mike and I are… we’re… um, oh God.” He took a deep breath and blew the breath out through clenched teeth. “Mom. Dad. Mike’s my boyfriend. We’re together.”

  Her father froze and his eyes darted around the room as the words sunk in. Her mother cocked her head to the side as if she might have heard it wrong, and then her eyes went wide and she stared at CJ for a moment.

  “Honey, are you sure?” She stepped toward him, stopped and shook her head. Meg had never seen her mother so unsure of herself. “I’m so sorry. Of course, you’re sure. What a stupid question.” She finished going to him and held him by the arms. “Oh, honey. Thank you. Thank you. I don’t know why I’m thanking you, but… oh, come here!”

  She pulled him to her and he looked like h
e would faint with relief. Meg was stuck to her chair, completely blown away by what had just happened. Suddenly her father was there, next to CJ, wrapping his arms around him and her mom. She felt kind of left out, but this was her brother’s moment. More than anything, she was relieved.

  Finally, her mother and father let him go.

  He laughed self-consciously. “See? This is why I never said anything.” He dropped his head. “Actually, I’m a coward and didn’t want you to think I was trying to be just like my sister.”

  Everyone looked at her.

  She raised her hands. “What? I’m just enjoying the show,” she said.

  Her mother touched her arm. “What are we going to do to fix things with Fiona?”

  There was only one thing Meg could do. She needed to go to her. It didn’t matter that Fiona had asked her not to follow her. She needed to get to her and repair this.

  77

  Fiona sat in her first-class seat and pressed her forehead against the uncomfortable plastic wall of the airplane as she gazed out through the round portal at the tarmac passing swiftly below. She had no idea how she’d managed to call a Lyft and change her flight to an earlier one back to New York, but she somehow made it and the plane was on its way. Now, she had nothing to do but think.

  She ached to be with Meg, but she knew she would never be able to look into her eyes again and not see the potential she’d have stolen if she stayed.

  Tears rolled down her face as the world beneath her fell further and further away.

  78

  Meg was frustrated. Fiona wasn’t answering her phone and she’d missed the plane Fiona had probably boarded to go back to New York. She’d spent the entire drive to the airport hoping she’d meet Fiona at the gate and be successful at convincing her everything had been cleared up. Instead, she was told by the ticketing agent she’d missed the cut-off time for booking by minutes. Impotence ran through her blood like acid. She arranged for a seat on the next flight and sat at the gate with a mass of anxiety pressed against her ribcage. She could only imagine what Fiona was going through.