Captain Hairdo- Conquers the Cosmos
Page 15
Claps and cheers fill the room with incredible energy.
“Now then! Where are my muffins?”
“Was that a segue?” Hairdo whispers in Dale’s ear. She throws a discreet jab at him and presses a finger to her lips with a playful smile.
Behind the crowd, Swansea enters through automatic doors. He is bandaged up and seemingly docile. Swansea is also now sporting an Emperor designated mesh outfit from the Elephantine Signature collection and carrying a large tray of muffins. “The bran muffins of benevolence are ready and available for your partaking, my liege.”
“Good, you made extra. Remember, I’m eating for two now.” He strokes the creature which has been aroused by the scent of the muffins.
“I Hunnnn…gerrrr…” the creature chirps its head bobs excitedly. The group all laughs together, except for an emotionally flat Swansea.
“Yes, yes Nibble. Like father, like symbiotic lifeform. Now to clarify a few things Swansea… Not only did you attempt to usurp my Empire, but Old Jerry… Cockmaster told me everything. It was not indigestion at all, you murdered him.”
“Sometimes your hands get dirty in the service of the Empire.”
“No! You see, that’s the sort of thinking that lead to you clawing for my crown. I am disappointed in you Swansea, we’re on the outs.” Then turning towards the rest of his audience, Elephantine gives a grand arm sweeping gesture, “Now on with the party!”
The celebration commences in full, complete with a generous spread of healthy food choices. Most importantly an official treaty between the Confederation of United Planets and the Empire is signed, promising a new and prolonged period of peace.
∆ ∆ ∆
In a windswept canyon, on an alien world, a starship is buried under rubble, inside something stirs. The world around it, primitive yet peaceful, pays no heed to the sound of clanging metal. Debris, shifts and shakes then begins to dislodge. The top most layer of detritus encapsulating a long-abandoned vessel gives way. Sheets of metal peel, sliding down the side of the destroyed craft. A long, cylindrical arm emerges, it’s five digits spread out to meet the fresh atmosphere. “Hello?” Beep.
The End
A Taste of Darkness
by Swansea Picklesworth
My sentence of incarceration demands that I must complete 131,400 hours of confederation service to reimburse the man hours, equipment damage and fees for contraband substances. I am stationed on the Tiramisu thus I cannot perform acts of service in person amongst the many planets of the ICUP; so, my public works must be submitted remotely. I have now done various administrative tasks: Municipal budgets, Traffic cam monitoring and ticketing, and various other accounting duties.
These tedious duties of course utilize my experience running an empire. But I am so much more than that as you have probably already realized. No, I felt there must be an audience for my vast culinary and assa- er… personnel reallocation experience. It would surely be a bigger crime against humanity for my knowledge of biochemistry and xenobiology to never be utilized again.
For fellow acolytes of animus, I have included the infamous Muffins of Malevolence. (Vambinto eggs are optional-ish…) For those of you that have given up on life/ reformed, much like myself, I give you the Bran Muffins of Benevolence. Only 45% less tasty and 100% less deadly. Now featuring fresh fruit! Results may be too delicious to survive.
Muffins of Malevolence
1 c Brown Sugar
1 c White Sugar
2 c Flour
1 c Coco Powder
2 tsp Baking Powder
1 tsp Baking Soda
½ tsp Table Salt
½ c Water
2 tsp Vanilla Extract
½ c Vegetable Oil (I used grapeseed oil)
2 Eggs
1 c Sour Cream
½ c Milk
½ c Dried Cherries (quartered)
1 c Chocolate Chips
1 Vambinto Egg or Amarena Cherry (for peasants)
Preheat the oven to 350˚. Start soaking the dried cherries, give them at least 15 minutes to rehydrate. Plop liners into the muffin pan, lightly grease if using reusable silicon ones. Combine dry ingredients excluding chocolate chips. Add oil in small pours. Add vanilla. Add eggs while mixing. Add sour cream a bit at a time. *Dump in rehydrated cherries with the water. Pour in milk. Fold in chocolate chips.
Pour the batter to fill the muffin cups halfway. Place a Vambinto egg or Amarena cherry in the center of the cup. Fill the muffin cups the rest of the way, covering the egg. Don’t ruin the surprise! Put muffins in the oven, bake for 20-25 minutes. To prevent fruit sinkage, separate rehydrated cherries from the water and lightly flour them.
Yields 12 large muffins approximately
Bran Muffins of Benevolence
2 c Oat Bran
½ c Flour
¼ c Brown Sugar
¼ c White Sugar
2 tsp Baking Powder
1 tsp Baking Soda
¼ tsp ground allspice
2 tsp Lemon zest
¼ tsp Fine Salt or (½ tsp for coarse salt)
2 TB Vegetable Oil (I used grapeseed oil)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 c Milk
2 Eggs
¼ c molasses
½ c Fresh Blackberries (cut in half if large)
Preheat the oven to 425˚. Plop liners into the muffin pan, lightly greased if using reusable silicon ones. Combine dry ingredients, including allspice and lemon zest. Add oil in small pours. Add vanilla. Add eggs while mixing. Add milk. Add molasses. Fold in blackberries. Do not overmix. Pour mix into muffin papers or reusable liners. Put muffins in the oven, bake for 15-20 minutes.
Yields 12 large muffins approximately
Author’s Note:
Yes, it is a fancy title for just two recipes! Just like a poor to complain about not being handed enough free life changing goods. Oh, let me guess, you want me to bake them for you too? I already have a half ton albatross circling my neck, I refuse to add a gaggle of poors to my burden. And yes, you may have noticed that Elephantine has lost some weight, as per the previous comment, well kudos to you. I may have been building up to a whole cookbook, but your impatience and greed has ruined the whole thing. So now you will never know. I would force choke you right now, but I fear it would add years to my sentence and I already hate that I must do anything to aid you as it is. You should be ashamed, but I know you won’t be because that takes self-reflection, something crass peasants such as yourself will never possess. With all of this being said, enjoy the muffins jerks!
William A. McDonald
Game designer, director, writer, scientist, visionary; these are the terms William McDonald wishes he could use to describe himself. Graduating into a down-turned economy left him pushing grocery carts with a Bachelor’s Degree. Now, another degree later and in his thirties, his employment situation hasn’t improved much. Throughout his college experience William wrote many screenplays, recently he has taken to adapting those unused works into a series of novels.
Danielle M. Dorsey
Finding entertainment as one of five children in a single parent household with only a minivan sporting trash bag windows and a door duck taped on was a challenge. Activities involving money or travel were out. Siblings formed loose temporary alliances to fight the Foot Clan, choreograph dances for BET or perform acts of daring as a circus troupe and many more adventures. Growing up impoverished and surrounded by the 90’s LA gang warfare my future could have been bleak. I got through the conflicts and met most of my life goals with my ability to think outside of current circumstances, seeking possibilities utilizing my creativity. Not everyone in my family survived the traps this life set out. These days I use my creativity to design video games and now write books. To date, I have three games published and have parlayed my game design experience to work in the tech industry. I strive to bring my unique background and voice to the many underrepresented mediums that I explore in my work.
William McDonald, Captain Hairdo- Conquers the Cosmos