The Relic Box Set

by Ben Zackheim

  One of the Vkings barreled down on me with his spear held at his side like a joust. I didn’t have time to get off a shot and it was just blind luck that he missed me. His steed came to a stop, digging its heels into the grass and kicking up chunks of dirt as it turned to face me.

  Which is when the arena rumbled again. The Viking went wide-eyed as if he was as surprised as I was by our new guests.

  Stone giants.

  The giants were like small cousins to the Apu we’d fought (okay, escaped) in Berjadalur. Their faces of rock were human-ish but a seriously butt-ugly version of human.

  And their mouths were huge.

  They opened their mouths and their lower jaws dropped all the way to the floor. The sound that came out was a cross between an exploding car and a 500 foot tall eagle. Yeah, that’s the best I can do.

  The nearest Viking tried to get his steed under control.

  I couldn’t allow that.

  I yanked him off the saddle and took the reins. I thought it would be just like a horse, but it was more like a unicycle. I avoided getting bucked off by wrapping my ankles in the stirrups. I slid off the warg’s back and did a little sideways riding. I reached for the fur of its hind legs and snagged a fistful. The monster roared and snapped at me.

  “Shut up and let me on!” I yelled at it. It actually did slow down which made me wonder if I could give it any other orders.

  Hakkar had the same idea. He was already circling the arena, riding like a pro. The warg was guided more by the shifts in my legs than the reins. Those were more for me to hang onto for dear life.

  The remaining Vikings were still recovering from the entrance of the stone giants.

  I covered Boneface’s back as he rode toward them.

  And I wondered if we would have been a good team in another life.

  Chapter 44

  One of the giants lifted a dead warg with one hand and cocked his arm to throw it at Hakkar.

  I yelled to get the monster’s attention. It worked. He threw the corpse at me instead. It twirled in the air, head over tail.

  It was going to hit me, unless…

  I aimed for the head and fired. The force of the blow sprayed half the arena in blood, but more importantly it threw off the trajectory of the warg-corpse missile. It landed in front of my warg with a wet thud and then slid toward us. We jumped over it and I watched it stop under the other giant’s feet. The monster tripped and almost fell on me. But it stopped its fall with its hands and I rode underneath him, his dull eyes watching me ride right under his nose while I gave him the finger.

  Bonehead was about to take on two riders at once.

  Show-off.

  I passed by a stranded Viking. He turned in circles, confused by all the activity. I stopped my beast right in front of the warrior. He breathed deep, spit shot from between his teeth. He took a step toward my steed and planted a war cry right in the warg’s face.

  The warg ate him.

  Well, he ate the part of him from the sternum up. The rest of him disappeared into the tall grass.

  I grabbed the Viking’s spear out of the warg’s bloody teeth and rode to Hakkar’s side.

  He glanced over at me and lifted his spear over his head.

  I used mine as a lance.

  The two Vikings rode at us in a perfect line.

  Hakkar chucked his spear and the sharp tip slammed into his target’s shoulder. The Viking reeled off course and clipped his partner’s warg. Before they could stumble, my spear-lance pierced a rider’s neck, shot out the back of his head and pierced the second rider’s neck.

  I heard the crowd for the first time. They gasped. Even the vampires were getting into the action now.

  “Nice move!” Hakkar yelled over the noise.

  “That was the plan!” I lied. That had not been the plan at all. Not even a little. But Bonehead didn’t need to know that.

  The last two Vikings disengaged from their fight with a giant. They didn’t take kindly to their comrades’ deaths.

  I had enough time to spot Rebel on the sidelines.

  Skyler stood next to her and Coleslaw.

  I knew the old man would wait for his moment to make an appearance.

  I focused back on the fight. The Vikings rode side by side and lifted their shields in front of them so that we couldn’t see them at all. But I suspected that the small crack between the shields was about to spring a surprise or two.

  I couldn’t waste bullets so I scooped up a pair of abandoned spears and threw one to Hakkar just as the first arrow shot out of the crack.

  I dodged it just in time, leaning a little too fast and far. I started to lose my balance on the warg but wrapped the reins around my left hand and pulled myself back up straight.

  The second arrow took out my ride, slamming into the beast’s eye. It shrieked and flipped over backward, taking me with it.

  I got a glimpse of Hakkar as I slid across the field, tangled up in my warg.

  He stood up on his warg’s back.

  Why was he making himself such an easy target?

  The Vikings were about ten yards away from him when they took the bait and released a few arrows all at once. One of them embedded itself in Hakkar’s shoulder with a loud thwack, but the others hit him in the chest and bounced off of his armor.

  They hit him with enough force to knock him off balance.

  But he rocked that tumble better than anyone I’d ever seen.

  His steed didn’t have his guidance but it knew enough to avoid getting run over by the other wargs. It swerved hard right. Hakkar was falling right. But instead of getting trapped under his steed, he slammed his spear into the ground like a pole vault and held on tight.

  The spear bent but it didn’t break as he whipped around it like a flag in a hurricane. He let go, arching over me and landing behind the Viking duo.

  His Portal instantly opened to his right.

  He reached in and pulled out a Beretta M9.

  I’ll never forget the looks on the Vikings’ faces as they realized they were headed to wherever Vikings went after they were killed a second time.

  They tried to turn their beasts but they were out of time.

  Two shots. Two Vikings hit the grass.

  I saw them writhing in pain. He’d spared them for some reason.

  The stone giants had been distracted by the show just like the rest of us. It had all happened in 30 seconds. But no one could complain about the price of admission.

  Now that the show was over, the giants remembered they had to kill us.

  Chapter 45

  I wasn’t at the ideal distance for an effective shot with the Colt. It had kick but if I was going to get under that rock skin I’d have to be closer.

  I ran toward it, which it clearly was not ready for.

  I took a test shot. I had to see how much damage I could do.

  Three bullets left.

  The bullet shattered on its left brow, just above where its eye was hiding in stone. Rock flesh flew everywhere like a shower of pebbles. I couldn’t tell which crack on his brow hid the eyeball but I’d have to find it if I had a chance to hit something softer than granite.

  Hakkar focused on the other giant. And by focused I mean he was climbing him like a mountain. I didn’t know how he’d gotten so close without feeling the brunt of a rock fist.

  His speed, probably. Guy was fast.

  My stone giant roared and ran at me. I had an idea.

  First, I ran away. Like the wind. Well, more like a beheaded chicken.

  I wanted to avoid its heavy knuckles which looked ready to crush flesh and bone. But I also wanted to confuse it. I ran one direction and then the other. At one point I ran in a circle.

  It stood in place, hypnotized by what an idiot I was.

  When I was sure it was good and flummoxed I sprinted as fast as I could to the other side of the arena. It shook its head to clear the stupor, faced me and roared again.

  Its chin touched the ground. Bingo!


  I lifted the Colt and fired.

  Right down its throat.

  I’m not sure what was down that gullet but it wasn’t stone because the impact sent gray jelly everywhere. The giant stumbled back on its heels and made a sick wet gurgle before it fell to its knees. Its flesh started to peel off, one boulder at a time, revealing a fleshy underskin. A bloody muscled thing flopped around on the pile of stone and then draped over its own flesh like snake skin.

  “What the fuck was that?” Rebel yelled.

  I enjoyed the crap out of her grossed-out face.

  She pointed her hand at me as if to say, “You may want to look behind you,” so I did and I didn’t like it at all.

  I was two giant steps away from being a bloody mess on the bottom of the other giant’s foot.

  I rolled out of the way just in time and looked up to see Hakkar empty his Beretta in the giants ear region. It was doing zero good, though. The giant was slapping at him like he was a mosquito.

  Hakkar spotted me, stabilized himself as best he could and pounded his fist several times.

  The hand signal for “Out of action.”

  He needed another weapon.

  Shit.

  He chucked his pistol to the ground and started punching the thing in the back of the neck. His armored hands would take most of the brunt but I bet it didn’t feel great on his knuckles.

  Kind of like pounding a sidewalk curb with MMA gloves.

  “Hey!” I yelled. I’m not sure how he heard me over the racket those stone joints made when they moved but he did. I chucked the Colt at him and he snatched it like a pro.

  Of course, it was also an excellent throw that a toddler could catch, but whatever.

  I held up two fingers. Two shots.

  The giant passed me. I took the opportunity to calm myself and open the Portal again. This time I pulled out my backup Glocks. Hefty. Loaded.

  I just hoped they were the right kind of ammo. I would have checked but the giant was running at me now.

  Hakkar was hanging from the side of its head, dangling from the top of its deformed ear. He was trying to get Billy the Kid’s Colt stuffed into whatever passed for an ear canal but he kept getting thrown around.

  So I did my stand-up routine again.

  I ran toward the giant, then cut right, then left running behind it. It watched me over its shoulder, swiping at Hakkar.

  I ran in circles.

  He tracked me, turning in circles.

  Getting dizzy.

  The giant stopped in its tracks and started to wobble, off balance.

  Hakkar dropped gently to its shoulder and searched for an opening. He jammed the hand with the Colt into a hole and fired.

  The stone giant didn’t seem phased.

  But then, stiff as a rock board, it fell forward.

  Bonehead leaped off and landed a dozen feet in front of me.

  “Thanks,” he said, tossing my slippery Colt to me.

  The giant shed its skin the same way the other one had.

  Neither of us watched it dissolve. We were focused on the final act.

  We were in my territory now. Ranged combat. I could take him out. He was unarmed. Vulnerable. He didn’t have a chance and I think he knew it because he started to stall. He wanted to find a way to make it a hand-to-hand ordeal as soon as possible.

  “You don’t know what you’ll do with so much power, do you?”

  “I’ll stop your masters.”

  “You don’t know how to use the hammer and the shield.”

  “Luckily, I think these Valhallans will guide me a little. They wouldn’t want me to wander off with the power of Thor.”

  “They’ll use you.”

  “Spoken like someone who knows how to be used.”

  Suddenly, there was a loud screech from the audience. We didn’t take our eyes off each other. No matter what was going on out there I couldn’t let it distract me.

  “What the hell did you do, you bitch?” Rebel screamed. “He’s dead!”

  I don’t remember looking to see what had happened, but I guess I did.

  Everything went black.

  Chapter 46

  I woke up in my room in Valhalla. My shoulder was wrapped. It felt like it was on fire.

  Rebel was sitting next to me. The twins stood at the end of my bed like a couple of creepy ghosts in a horror movie.

  “Where’s Coleslaw?”

  “He’s dead,” Rebel said. “The queen killed him.”

  “What?” I tried to sit up and thought better of it. “Why?”

  “She claims he was about to cheat for you. The Valhallans found the Trolls Cross on him.”

  My stomach dropped. Tabitha somehow knew about my plan to call a troll army to my aid if I thought I’d lose. Sure, it would have been cheating. I didn’t give a shit. I was trying to save the world here.

  “Does it really summon a troll army to do your bidding?” Cassidy asked.

  “I guess we’ll never know now,” Rose said.

  “Did Fox disappear again?” I asked.

  “I’m here,” he said from the dark corner of the room. I could see a figure sitting in the chair.

  “What happens now?” I asked.

  “Hakkar is receiving the hammer and shield. They will go to the Eurasian and North-American tectonic plates located here in Iceland. The rumor is that the emperor will order Hakkar to bring the hammer down on the tectonic plate that runs under foot.”

  “What the fuck for?” I asked.

  “To split the plates apart. To tear at the flesh of the world until it’s dead. It will cause chaos. And the vampires will fill the void that the chaos brings.”

  “Good for you,” I mumbled.

  “It’s the end of the world,” he said as if I didn’t know.

  “Then we have to stop him,” I said throwing the blanket off of me. But when I tried to move my legs, I found out that they were chained to the bed.

  “What the hell is going on?” I asked.

  “We’re prisoners now,” Rebel said. “Until they figure out what to do with us.”

  “Why would the Valhallans want to keep us prisoner?”

  “Not them. The vampires. Because you lost to them they can do what they want with you. With us. We tried to put up a fight but they took us by surprise.”

  “Then you need to get going,” I said. “I’ll see what’s left in the Vault Portal and make sure you guys go in as armed as possible.”

  “Doesn't’ work like that, uncle,” Cassidy said.

  “Uncle?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I just wanted to try the name on for size. Sucks. Sorry. Anyway, they locked all of us in here. Sealed it shut with magic that makes Rebel as helpless as a wet rag on a New Jersey highway.”

  We all looked at him.

  “Thanks Cassidy,” Rebel said.

  “For what?” the clueless kid said.

  “Your portals won’t work either,” Rebel said. “That’s what they claim. But it’s worth a shot to try.”

  “They also have guards on the door,” Rose said. “Vampires, I think. I heard them complaining that they can’t be at the ceremony.”

  “We need to find another way out,” I said.

  “We looked everywhere,” Cassidy said. “You’ve been passed out for 5 hours, Kane.”

  I felt helpless. I don’t like to feel helpless. “Dammit, we can’t just stay here. Everyone quiet. Let me see if I can open the Vault.”

  The door opened and Skyler strode in, his stupid top hat in his hand.

  “You all ready to go?” he asked.

  “What are you doing here?” I said.

  “Is that any way to talk to your savior? Now come on, we don’t have much time. The vampires are on their way to the plates now. Hakkar is looking really impressive, gotta say. He grew about a foot and the charge he brings into a room is arousing.”

  He and Fox broke the chains off of my ankles.

  “Drink this,” Skyler said. He handed me a small glas
s vial.

  “What is it?”

  “Poison,” he dead-panned. “I felt like killing you right after I saved you. Just drink it!”

  I downed it in one gulp and waited for my ass to blow up like a balloon or something.

  Instead, I felt fantastic. It was a strength serum. I’d be as strong as several men for a while. My wounds wouldn’t heal, but the pain would be manageable.

  “I thought you couldn’t make these serums anymore,” I said.

  “It’s stock. That was my last one.”

  What a liar.

  We ran past the two guards who were husks of men. Their bone-dry skin hugged their skeleton as if they’d been dead for a thousand years.

  “Good work, old man” Rebel said.

  “You can’t always rely on me to save you, Rebel,” Skyler said.

  “Well, thanks anyway,” she said, put off.

  “Won’t they be pissed that you killed your own kind?” Rose asked.

  “They won’t find out unless you tell them,” Skyler said.

  He led us across the hall into another room. Its windows looked out over the arena on one side. On the other side, a small door was open.

  “Go down the stairs,” Skyler said. “Keep going until you run out of stairs.”

  “What are you going to do?” I asked.

  “Fox and I are going to stay here and plead ignorance,” he said. “I’m a great liar.”

  “No, you’re not,” I said. “If you lie 100% of the time it makes it easier for people to know you’re a liar.” I looked at Fox. “You sure you want to stay? You were a prisoner too. The emperor called you a traitor.”

  “I’ll be okay,” he said. “I have allies here.”

  “Your call, Lancelot,” I said as I bent down and slipped through the small door. I suspected he didn’t want to be near us because of Merlin’s curse. I was way past giving a crap, though.

  The floor dropped down into a spiral staircase. Torches on the wall lit our way, but just barely. After five minutes of stepping and slipping and sniffling we hit the bottom.

  We were in a dank room with dirty widows covered by cracked wood shutters.