The Defender: A Single Dad Hockey Romance (Boston Hawks Hockey)

by Gina Azzi

  “Has James reached out since you left?” Dr. Carlisle asks, his voice too calm for the panic racing through my limbs. I’ve been on high alert all morning, since the moment I walked out of the Ryan home. Even now, a few hours later, I feel nauseous with adrenaline and worry.

  “Nothing.” I rub the back of my hand over my cheek. “What if we’re over?”

  “Do you truly believe that?”

  I shake my head. “But he said ‘the three of us will always be a family. Forever.’” My voice breaks. “Does that mean there’s no room for me? That I’m just…here.”

  Dr. Carlisle regards me seriously. “I don’t know. And as much as your mind is racing right now, you don’t know either. Has James ever given you a reason to believe that there’s no room for you?”

  “No. But that was also before he told his children about us.”

  “True. But he didn’t tell his children as much as his children found out by—”

  “Yes, I know,” I cut him off, not needing to revisit the visual of Milly’s horrified expression at finding James and me in bed together.

  “He could have said it in the moment. There was a lot happening. He was trying to assure his children,” Dr. C points out.

  “I know you’re offering logical explanations, Dr. Carlisle. But none of them feel logical to me.”

  “You’re hurt.”

  “Yes.”

  “But you still need to talk to James.”

  I huff out a sigh.

  “Where are you now?”

  “Selina’s. My brother is here too.”

  “I’m glad you have a support system right now, Bella. Focus on that. Focus on the good, on the progress you’ve made. You need to keep yourself in the present and not let past experiences or emotions bog you down. Why don’t you have some lunch and check in with me later today?”

  I sigh but nod in agreement.

  After I hang up with Dr. Carlisle, I enter the living room of Selina’s townhouse. She and my brother are seated on the couch, watching me expectantly. No doubt, they’re waiting for an explanation since I flew through the front door over an hour ago, tears streaming down my cheeks, hollering about a session with Dr. C.

  “What happened?” Selina asks as I begin to pace in front of the couch.

  “Talk to us, Bells,” my brother says gently, but I hear the undercurrent of worry in his tone and it causes my guilt to rise.

  I stop suddenly and face the two people who repeatedly show up for me. “Milly walked in on us.”

  Selina gasps and Colton’s mouth falls open.

  “Oh God, how much did she see?” Lina asks.

  My brother swears.

  I shake my head. “Not like that. We were in bed together—”

  Colton slaps his hands over his ears.

  “But we were just sleeping. It was early this morning,” I add.

  My brother drops his hands but gives me a look.

  “She didn’t take it well,” Lina surmises.

  “That’s an understatement.” I resume my pacing. “She screamed and cried and wouldn’t even look at me when I came into the kitchen. James asked me to take the day. He’s keeping the kids home from school so their fa-family can spend time together,” I stammer, mentally cursing myself for tripping over the word family. That’s a definite red flag that Selina and Colton pick up on.

  That slip of the tongue let them know just where my head’s at.

  It’s fucked up. I feel like I got TKOed. I can’t repress all the messy feelings bubbling inside of me enough to ensure they won’t spill over. As much as Dr. C helps me sort out my thoughts, this time, they’re still a complicated jumble.

  I feel like I’m about to rip wide open and all the ugliness is going to pour out, drowning everyone and everything in its wake. Washing away the hope I’ve clung to, wiping out the good I wished for.

  I plop down on a chair across from the couch, the fight suddenly seeping out of me. I drop my head into my hands and draw in an inhale that burns.

  “Oh my God. Oh fuck. I’ve messed this whole thing up,” I cry out.

  In an instant, Colton is at my side, pulling me into his embrace similar to how James held Milly this morning.

  “You’re okay, Bells.”

  “No,” my voice cracks. “No, I’m a mess.” I wipe my eyes and look up, meeting Colton’s eyes. “You were right. I can’t keep bottling it up. I can’t keep reaching for the numbness. It’s too much.” I gesture to my body, where all of the feelings and emotions I fight against reside, growing stronger, sweeping through me like a hurricane.

  “Shh.” My brother rubs my back soothingly. “You don’t have to figure it all out right now.”

  I give him a sad smile. “But you were wrong too. James isn’t ready to step up for me. He can’t. He needs to step up for his children, for his family, first. Even though I hoped it might be different, even though I thought it was different, there’s no room for me there.”

  “Bella,” Selina starts but I shake my head.

  “I need to get my head on right. I need to take some time to…think. To just be with all the shit swimming in my mind. How can I be a partner to someone else when I don’t know what I want anymore?”

  Colton and Selina remain quiet and their silence confirms it. I can’t. If I want to be with James, I first have to be okay with myself. And I haven’t allowed myself the time, the space, or the grace to do that since losing Miles.

  “Have you responded to Jerry?” Colton asks.

  Selina’s eyebrows disappear into her hairline and she shoots me a look.

  I shake my head. “No. I don’t know if it’s better to hear him out or ignore him. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing anymore…”

  “You should hear him out,” Selina says, surprising me.

  “And you should talk to James too,” my brother adds.

  “Sure,” I agree. But my voice is devoid of emotion. First, I reach for my safety net and message Dr. Carlisle again.

  Jerry appears on Selina’s doorstop like an apparition. Even though I knew he was coming, I’m still surprised to see him. I pull the door open before he can knock and his hand drops to his side, his eyes widening as they drink me in.

  I step back and he slips in from the cold, shaking out his coat and scarf. I hang them in Selina’s hall closet wordlessly. I’m relieved Selina coaxed my brother into going for dinner after he refused to leave me alone with Jerry. It took a lot of convincing, but Selina finally managed to drag him away. I owe my friend a lot. Plus, she’s allowing me the full use of her townhouse as I try to get my life in order.

  “It’s good to see you, Bells.” Jerry’s voice is deeper than I remember. His hair is thinning but he looks good, mostly the same. Blue eyes, blond hair, and a trim physique.

  I keep staring, waiting to feel something. Attraction, nostalgia, anger. Mostly, I just feel relieved that we’re about to get this conversation over with. Maybe it will offer the closure I need to let go of some of the anger I carry from our broken marriage and bitter divorce.

  “Would you like a coffee?” I ask.

  “Sure,” he agrees, following me through the townhouse and into Selina’s kitchen. She already brewed a pot, knowing we would end up here, and I pour two mugs, fixing his the way I did every morning for over five years.

  When I place it in front of him, he whispers his thanks and takes a tentative sip, his eyes finding mine over the rim and holding.

  I force myself to sit down on a barstool next to him. “What would you like to talk about?” My voice is even, too formal for a history as complicated as ours.

  Jerry stares at me for a long beat before ducking his head and clearing his throat. “I’d like to apologize to you, Bella. Fuck, it sounds so stupid just saying it because I owe you so much more than an apology. But I am truly, truly sorry for the pain I caused you after we lost Miles. I am sorry for being a selfish drunk. I’m sorry for slapping you that night and for all the disgusting things I said to you for
weeks before then.” He holds my eyes as the words pour from his mouth, sincere and truthful.

  I lean back, unprepared for such an honest apology. I’ve never known Jerry to make himself vulnerable, to accept any blame or shoulder any responsibility for his actions. I blink slowly, my eyebrows drawing together. “Thank you,” I murmur, surprised by how much his words mean to me.

  “I went to therapy…afterwards,” he adds.

  “Me too. I still talk to someone.”

  Jerry nods and clears his throat. “Is it helping?”

  “Yes,” I admit.

  “Good. I did anger management too.”

  “Really?” I clamp my mouth shut, staring at my ex-husband. “You should have.”

  “I know. I’m also in the program.”

  I frown.

  “AA,” he clarifies.

  “Wow,” I mutter, surprised that Jerry accepted so much responsibility to turn his life around. He’s a very different man than the one I was married to. “Is this one of your steps?” I gesture between us.

  He nods, clearing his throat again. “It is but that’s not the only reason why I’m here.”

  “It’s not?”

  “No.” Jerry smashes his lips together and the temperature in Selina’s kitchen suddenly drops.

  A cold dread drips down my spine as my awareness sharpens, adrenaline filling my mouth with a metallic taste. My nerves buzz and I feel restless, desperate to throw myself off the barstool and out into the street. To run until my legs give out and my lungs burn.

  “I, I met someone,” he says tentatively, as if he’s not sure how I’ll react.

  My eyes widen, waiting for him to continue.

  “She’s, well, we’re having a baby.”

  My eyes close and it takes me a full minute to understand that the wetness on my cheeks is tears.

  “I’m sorry, Bella. I’m so fucking sorry for everything. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you after Miles…you deserved better, Bells,” Jerry rushes to add.

  I lift my hands to my face to wick away the tears. “We were both grieving, Jer. But the way you…” I pause, shaking my head.

  “I know.”

  “You buried my self-esteem. You made me feel unfit to be a mother, a wife. To be a fucking woman,” I snap, my anger coloring my words. I hold on to it, the anger. It’s a hell of a lot safer than the hurt that’s swimming in my veins at his admission. Why the hell does he get to be a parent when I don’t? Why does Jerry get a family and I get to be alone?

  “I know. The way I treated you was—”

  “Reprehensible.”

  “Worse.”

  I blow out a deep breath, forcing myself to look at him. To study him and see, really see, the regret in his expression. “When is she due?”

  “February.”

  I nod. “And the baby, is it—”

  “He.”

  A sharpness cuts through my chest, like a knife sliding through a tenderloin. The sting is sudden and instead of receding, an ache grows. “Is he okay?”

  Jerry nods. “Michelle encouraged me to seek you out. To recognize how unfair I was toward you. She didn’t want to bring our baby into the world without my acknowledging just how painful losing Miles was. Is.”

  “And what about you? What do you want?” I ask, frowning at him. He’s here because his girlfriend told him to call me? All that proves is that she has a heart and he’s still a selfish bastard.

  “I want your forgiveness. It’s okay if you don’t want to give it. I understand, really, why you wouldn’t. But I, I want to be a man worthy of being a partner, a father. I want to be a dad Miles could have been proud of.”

  Tears are streaming down my face now, a torrent of them too rapid to quell. “You kicked me when I was already down.”

  “I know.”

  I roll my lips together, my thoughts a furious swirl. Even though a part of me wants to hurt Jerry with callousness the way he did to me, a larger part of me wants to move on from this. So, I tell him the truth. “I think you’re capable of being a good father. The guy I married never would have gone to therapy. Or anger management. The fact that you’re taking these steps means you want to be better. And I still remember you from when…when I first got pregnant. You were so happy. I remember the tiny baseball glove you bought and the baseball cards you pulled out of your parents’ attic. You changed after…after Miles. But if you’re in the program, if you’re trying, really trying with Michelle… I think you have a chance to do it right, Jer.”

  Jerry’s eyes spark, a hesitant hope in their depths. “Really?”

  I nod. “Yeah. There was a time when you were happy and hopeful and so damn proud. I hate the way things ended between us. Sometimes I think back and think we weren’t ever suited to make a go of this.” I gesture between us, shaking my head. “Not the way we both wanted it to be. But you’re not a bad person, Jerry. You lost your way. It’s…it’s good of you to try to make amends.” I clear my throat, staring directly at him as I say the words that free me just as much as they release him. “I’m saying this for myself more than I am for you. I want to move on. I want to get rid of the anger I feel toward you. I don’t want the shadow of you, of our marriage, to continue to play a role, even a small one, in my future. So…” I let out a deep exhale. “I forgive you.”

  Tears well in his eyes, his face crumpling. “Thank you, Bella. That means more to me than you know.”

  It’s strange, seeing a person you spent so much time with, someone you poured so much of yourself into, and viewing them as a stranger. I don’t recognize the Jerry sitting beside me but I like him better than the man I was married to.

  I tell him as much and he lets out a small laugh.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t better to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you the way you needed.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I hope you find what you’re looking for, Bella. I hope you discover happiness. You’re all good, all light. Any kid would win the lottery to have you for a mom. You were meant to be a mother and I hope someday, you are.”

  My sob echoes in the kitchen, loud like a clap of thunder.

  Jerry reaches out and wraps his arms around me. I cry on his shoulder and his tears fall into my hair. We hold each other for a long moment before I pull back, wiping my face, and he stands from his barstool.

  I trail him to the door, my emotions bubbling under the surface of my skin, ready to burst forth.

  But I don’t feel the edge of desperation the way I usually do. I don’t want to run. I don’t want to hide. I want to cry until I feel peace instead of numbness. Clarity instead of chaos.

  “I think I needed this,” I tell Jerry. “The closure.”

  “Me too,” he admits, offering his signature lopsided smile. “Take care of yourself, Bells.”

  “You too.” I pull the door wide open and freeze.

  Because James is standing on the porch, his hand lifted to knock on the door.

  As soon as he sees my tear-stained face, a blaze of fury rolls over his. His features lock down, menacing and fierce, as he growls at Jerry. “Who the fuck are you?”

  19

  James

  The tears on Bella’s face, the hurt in her eyes, makes me feel sick. I glare at the fucker standing across from her and even though he hasn’t answered my question, I know it’s him. Jerry.

  My hands clench into fists and an unmatched ferocity rocks through me. Never before have I felt so out of control, so wildly angry. Did he hurt her? Why is she crying?

  “Who the fuck are you?” I repeat.

  The guy glances between Bella and me but he doesn’t look nervous. He shakes his head imperceptibly and says, “I meant what I said, Bells.” Then he moves to walk around me but my arm darts out, my hand grabbing his shoulder.

  He freezes, not in fear. In fact, the look he gives me is filled with understanding that confuses me while notching my anger higher.

  “James.” Bella’s voice pulls my attention. When
I focus on her, the guy blows past me, bouncing down the steps. I turn to watch him make his way toward a car parked on the street, memorizing the make and model in case he brings trouble in the future. “What are you doing here?”

  “What?” I turn back to Bella.

  “How’d you find me?” she asks, stepping back so I can enter Selina’s townhouse.

  “I figured you’d be with Selina. I asked Pete for her address.”

  “Oh.”

  “Who was that?” I point toward the street as Bella closes the door.

  She blows out a heavy sigh, confirming my suspicions. Still, I need the words. I need to hear her say his name. “That was Jerry.”

  “What the fuck was he doing here? What did he want? Did he hurt you?” Questions rattle off my tongue, more like demands, as I step toward her and place a hand on her arm.

  She shakes off my touch and I frown, not liking how aloof she’s being with me when he clearly had her teeming with emotions. “He came to apologize. To make amends.”

  “Amends?” I ask harshly, not understanding what the fuck is happening right now. I came over here to talk to Bella about Milly and Mason, about the future of our relationship. And she’s…sobbing over her ex-husband?

  Fear disguised as anger rips through me and I grip the back of my neck, squeezing hard enough for it to hurt.

  “He’s”—her voice cracks and uselessness rolls through me—“he’s having a baby.”

  “Son of a bitch,” I swear.

  “No, it’s okay. I mean, I’m happy for him.”

  “You don’t look happy,” I say, releasing my hold on my neck and letting my hand fall. Knowing Jerry’s having a child with someone else eases some of my jealousy and I blow out a deep breath, reminding myself to keep a cool head.

  “It was hard to hear,” she admits. “Especially since the thing I want most in the world is to have a family.”

  I nod but her words are like being steamrolled by a Mack truck. Of course she wants to have a family. It’s the same thing I strived for after my parents passed. That sense of belonging, that feeling of knowing, without a shadow of doubt, that you are connected to something larger than yourself. That’s partly the reason why Layla’s family means so much to me; they accepted me as one of their own from the start. I shake my head, the exchange from this morning in the kitchen flooding my mind. The words I said, the look on her face.