The Defender: A Single Dad Hockey Romance (Boston Hawks Hockey)

by Gina Azzi

  Then, I dial Selina and ask for Colton’s number. As soon as she sends the contact, I call him.

  “Hello?” he answers on the first ring.

  “Colton? It’s James. James Ryan.”

  He snorts and for a second, I’m worried he’s pissed off with me too. But then he says, “It’s about time you called, man,” and I breathe a little easier.

  “How is she?” I ask.

  “She’s getting there…”

  “I need to see her.”

  “Why?” he asks, and even though his questioning is impeding my plan, I respect the way he looks out for his sister. It provides a slice of comfort to know that someone is looking out for Bella the way she deserves.

  “Because I love her and I want to bring her home,” I say, my voice even, my sincerity blatant.

  Colton is quiet for a moment before his chuckle sounds out. “Happy to hear it, man. Better get your ass down to SoCal. We’re in Hermosa Beach.”

  “What?” I laugh, surprise rocking through me. Bella’s in California? I don’t know why but whenever I pictured her with her family for the holidays, I imagined a quiet family gathering around a dining table in snowy Massachusetts. Not a waterfront condo on the beach.

  “Yep,” Colton says, rattling off the information.

  “I’m booking the next flight out.”

  “Send me your flight details. I’ll see you at the airport.”

  I recognize the olive branch for what it is and thank Colton.

  Then, I book a flight, pack a bag, and head to the airport to see my girl.

  22

  Bella

  Seagulls squawk and the ocean rumbles as I walk down the coastline after dinner. The sun is slowly setting, painting the sky in brilliant oranges and golden hues. The wet sand clumps beneath my feet and the ocean runs over my toes, washing away my sins and easing my guilt.

  I miss James. I miss Milly and Mason. I miss Miles.

  These long hours and short days to myself have been both cathartic and restorative. I’ve let go a lot of the past, putting to bed many of my issues with Jerry since I finally received the closure I needed from our divorce.

  I’ve also allowed myself the chance to envision a future free from guilt, shame, and shortcomings. That future includes James and the Ryan family no matter how I think about it. As much as I hope James and I can continue our relationship, I won’t ever put my romantic hopes before Milly’s emotional well-being. In a handful of months, Milly and Mason have become so dear to my heart and I would never want to hinder their grieving process or jeopardize their future happiness.

  I stop to pick up a seashell, my fingertips running along the jagged edge. It’s white with hints of blush and splashes of a deeper mauve. It’s beautiful in a completely imperfect way that causes me to smile. I tuck the shell into my pocket just as I hear my name.

  What is Colton doing down here?

  I turn slowly, my hair whipping back as the wind hits me square in the face.

  A man is jogging toward me, barefoot, in a pair of sweat shorts and a hoodie.

  One of his hands is lifted to his mouth as he calls my name again and my knees almost buckle.

  “James?” I call back, surprise exploding in my chest.

  But it’s most certainly him, running toward me with an urgency I wouldn’t believe if I wasn’t witnessing it with my own eyes.

  He slows as he nears, the ocean spraying up over his legs as the tide rolls in.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, my hands dropping to my sides. I watch his face closely, trying to piece it all together by the emotions flitting across his expression.

  But it’s impossible.

  Because he looks hopeful, earnest, and concerned all at once.

  “I always protect my team,” he states.

  “What?”

  “I came to bring you home,” he says clearly, like it should be obvious.

  I frown and James closes the last bit of space between us, reaching for my hands. His hands engulf mine, his fingers squeezing tightly. I shuffle forward, a sigh falling from my lips at the warmth he provides, at the glow his presence alone casts me in.

  “Home?” I repeat, bewilderment rocking through me.

  James’s expression softens, the moonlight rippling over his face. “Home. I miss you, Bella. I love you. I know we had a rocky start. I know we did everything backwards. But I’m not giving up on us and I came here to see if you feel the same way. If you’re ready to come home and figure out the next part together.”

  Emotion swells inside of me, causing tears to gather in the corners of my eyes. “But, but what about Milly and—”

  “A misunderstanding.”

  I press my lips together, my eyes wide as I wait for James to continue.

  “She was scared. Afraid that if we got together, you would die like—”

  “Her mother,” I say, realization dawning. Of course she was scared. How did I not see it sooner? This is what I studied and when I needed it most, I didn’t recognize Milly’s concern for what it truly is—fear.

  “It’s a bit irrational but—”

  “It’s not,” I cut him off again. “It’s completely natural for children affected by loss to feel like so many aspects of life are out of their control. It makes them want to cling to the parts they have some say in.” I shake my head. “Poor Milly. I should have seen it.”

  “That’s how I feel too. She’s my daughter and I let her down.”

  “How is she?”

  James smiles. “She misses you.”

  The tears spill over and I dip my head.

  “Hey, don’t cry.” James’s finger curls under my chin, lifting my face to meet his. “Don’t cry, baby. Just…talk to me.”

  “I miss her too. I miss you all. I just felt so confused, so overwhelmed and…the space has been good for me,” I admit.

  James nods slowly, uncertainty fanning out over his face.

  I take another step forward, our chests nearly brushing when we inhale.

  “I’ve already lost more than I ever imagined and it devastated me. But I learned that I have more control than I realized too. I’m not willing to lose you, James. I don’t want to live without you and your family. I don’t want to give up on us, especially not over a miscommunication.”

  “I know,” he responds, his hand lifting to cup the side of my face. His hand spans my cheek, his thumb tilting my face upward until his eyes meet mine with an intensity that takes my breath away. “I love you, Bella.”

  “I love you too, James.” I smile, biting my bottom lip. “But I should warn you, I’m an emotional train wreck.”

  A soft smile glances off his mouth as tenderness flares in his irises. “I should warn you, I’m done being left in the dark. We need to do better, Bella. We need to talk about things, especially the things that make you run away.”

  “We need to trust each other,” I agree.

  “Can we start now?” he asks hopefully.

  I nod and James brushes the pad of his thumb along my bottom lip.

  “I was hoping you’d say that,” he murmurs as he lowers his head.

  When his lips meet mine, I close my eyes and melt into him. He kisses me slowly, our mouths exploring, our touches sweet. James and I kiss under a dusky sky on a beach in California and this time, I don’t try to plan out our forever, I just savor the moment. Because this moment, with this man, is already everything.

  Colton is perched on the couch, his suitcase packed, when we enter the condo.

  “Heading somewhere?” I joke, my laughter fading as I note the seriousness in his eyes.

  But Colton laughs as he stands and gestures between James and me. “Glad you guys kissed and made up. That’s my cue to head out.”

  “Wait, what?” I ask, stepping forward.

  Colton grins, his eyes clear. “I’m happy for you, Bells. Now that your man showed up, it means I can head home to my life. And you can move forward with yours.”

  “You do
n’t have to—” James starts but Colton holds up a hand, stopping him.

  “I’m glad you called, James,” Colton says and that missing piece of the puzzle snaps into place in my mind. “My sister is lucky to have a man like you in her life. But you’re also lucky as hell to have a woman like her.”

  “I know,” James agrees, making my heart warm.

  “You guys need to talk and I don’t need to be here for that part,” Colton says lightly, gripping the handle of his suitcase. “Honestly, I don’t want to be.”

  James laughs.

  “Sort it all out now. Enjoy a few days at the beach. Eat some good food,” Colt continues.

  I snort.

  My brother smiles at me. “I ordered you takeout.”

  “Breakfast for dinner,” I say and Colton winks, knowing it’s my favorite.

  “Come here.” Colton opens his arms and I step into them for a hug. “You’re okay, Bells. You’re more than okay,” he whispers in my ear.

  “Thank you for everything, Colton.” I squeeze him tightly.

  He kisses the top of my head and releases me. Then he turns and shakes James’s hand. “Take care of her.”

  “I will,” James promises, his voice serious.

  Colton nods once. We walk him to the door and say one final goodbye. Before James can close the door, our delivery arrives and we both laugh.

  We carry in the takeout boxes and plop down on the living room floor, making a picnic with the coffee table between us.

  “This was nice of Colton,” James says conversationally.

  “I’m sure he’s just relieved to not have to listen to me cry anymore,” I joke.

  But James looks up sharply. “No more tears, Bella. From here on out, we need to talk to each other. Be honest.”

  “I know,” I agree, pulling out packets of syrup and ketchup.

  James lifts an eyebrow. “Jerry?”

  I sigh, scrubbing a hand over my face. “He came for closure. He’s having a baby, he’s in rehab, and he’s completing his steps.”

  “Making amends.”

  I nod.

  “For not supporting you after Miles passed?” James asks slowly, his gaze sharp upon my face.

  “For that,” I agree. “And for…being abusive.” I watch the color drain from James’s face, his body freezing until he’s so still, I can’t even hear his inhales.

  “What happened?” he asks slowly, his jaw clenched so tightly I wonder if it’s going to crack.

  “After Miles, Jerry had a hard time.”

  James’s eyes narrow and I forge ahead.

  “He turned to alcohol and the drunker he got, the more nights his drinking went unchecked, the uglier the things he would say were. It quickly became an emotionally abusive environment, with Jerry cutting me down every chance he could. I was almost too numb to react. But then one night…” I pause, blowing out a deep breath. James’s hand reaches out, settling on my leg for support. I offer him a small smile but his expression remains unchanged. “One night, he hit me.”

  “Fuck,” James breathes out. Even though I know he knew it was coming, I think hearing me say the words makes it a hell of a lot more real in his mind. “Were you okay? What happened?”

  “He backhanded me across the face and I fell into the stove, banging my hip.” My voice is even, devoid of emotion. It’s strange but when I think back to that night, I can envision it with perfect clarity. But it’s almost as if I’m watching the scene unfold as a spectator, observing everything from above, as an out-of-body experience.

  “I told him we were getting divorced the following day. That was the last straw and we both knew there was nothing left of our marriage to salvage. Jerry went downhill pretty fast after that and I was too…heartbroken, numb, empty, to care. I threw myself into work. Into caring for the children of other families. I picked up every shift Selina would give me. I ran every morning, and most nights as well, until I felt like vomiting. I did everything I could to ward off the feelings that threatened to drag me under. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to cope. I just wanted to…”

  “Disappear,” James supplies.

  I nod, hating the heartache that bleeds from his eyes. “Yes. I’ve been in therapy since Miles passed but after Jerry, my sessions picked up. Dr. Carlisle has helped me manage my thoughts, my anxiety, from the beginning. Slowly, my running lost some of its intensity. I’ve been able to think about the future, about being part of a family, about career options, with an open mind again. And then, everything got better, more hopeful, after I met you.”

  “That night at Taps,” James says slowly, “that was a turning point for me.”

  “For me too. That’s why I left. I, I was scared. I felt too much for you. All the emotions I spent months, years, burying, were right there, at the surface and I ran.”

  James’s grasp on my leg tightens. “I understand, Bella. More than most people, I truly understand.”

  “I know you do.”

  “But if Jerry comes near you again,” he growls, “I’ll—”

  “That won’t be necessary. Jerry is part of my past now.” I place my hand on top of his and squeeze.

  His expression is tortured and I know it’s hard for him to reconcile the scenario in his mind with him not reacting to it. But he doesn’t need to because I already did. I’ve finally put that chapter of my life to rest and it’s freeing to move forward without it hanging over me, like a black shroud threatening disaster.

  “No more running away,” he murmurs. “You promised you wouldn’t ghost me again.”

  Shame swims in my stomach as guilt rises in my throat. “No more running.”

  James shifts forward onto his knees, our food forgotten. His mouth covers mine and I lean back, my hands planting flat against the floor to brace against his sudden shift.

  His mouth is desperate against mine, needy and hungry. His fervor ignites a passion, low in my belly, that gathers and blazes the longer he kisses me. I revel in the possessive edge of his touch, feel beholden to the glint in his eyes.

  James pulls back, his breathing ragged. He buries one hand in the hair at the back of my head and guides me down slowly, until he’s hovering over me.

  “I won’t let him hurt you again, Bella.”

  “I know.”

  “And I won’t let you disappear.”

  “I hope not, James.”

  “I won’t lose you, Bella. That means talking about things, compromising.”

  I nod, biting my bottom lip as his gaze intensifies.

  He dips his head and presses a long kiss against my lips. When he pulls back, he murmurs, “You are part of my family. And having more children isn’t off the table. It never was. It’s a conversation I want to have. It’s something I’m open to…with you only.” His eyes search mine.

  I blink away my tears, as hope swells inside my chest. “We’ll talk about it,” I whisper.

  “Yeah, baby. We’ll talk about everything.”

  “You’re my home, James. I’m not going anywhere without you by my side.”

  “Good,” he bites out. Then he dips his head again and kisses me passionately.

  I moan into his mouth and arch into his frame, meeting his every kiss and touch with my own.

  We have sex, hot, heady, and frantic on the living room floor, with the ocean waves sounding through the open balcony door and the night sky surrounding us.

  Then we relocate to the bedroom, where our touches linger, our kissing soothes, and our lovemaking turns sweet and blissful.

  When the sun rises over the Pacific, we collapse on the couch and eat cold waffles and iced coffee.

  It’s the best morning after I’ve ever had and when I tell James, his laughter fills me up with love.

  23

  James

  Easton takes a slapshot that glides into the corner of the net, securing our lead over New York. The fans are on their feet, cheers ringing out through the arena. I pump an arm in the air and skate toward my teammates,
smacking their helmets and congratulating East.

  When I glance into the stands, my eyes automatically zero in on the family box where Bella and the twins shout and dance, jumping up and down. Their faces are painted with excitement, their eyes glow, and a sense of peace flows throughout my body.

  It wasn’t easy getting to this point. I’ve endured a hell of a lot of heartache and an alarming amount of self-doubt. My ego has taken too many hits to count and for a long time, I felt like I could barely keep my head above water.

  But the past few months have changed everything. Meeting Bella Andrews was the turning point I needed, even if I didn’t recognize it at the time. Spending time with her, getting to know her, watching her interact with Milly and Mason clarified my priorities and restored my faith in love.

  I pause on the ice, unable to turn away from the scene. Bella has her arms around Milly and Mason, squishing them into a hug that has the three of them cracking up. She’s been a force of positivity in their lives, helping Milly navigate her grief and anxiety, supporting Mason as he dives into new challenges.

  When I hired Bella at the start of the school year, I hoped for a seamless transition. I never anticipated that the bartender from Taps would weave her way into the fabric of my family with invisible thread, becoming a part of us.

  She looks up and our eyes hold, the noise and chaos of the arena freezing for a moment. Bella smiles, her face lighting up, and gratitude rushes over me.

  I lift my hand, she tips her chin, and we both honor the moment. Because moments like these, where everything clicks together, where suddenly you can view the world with a sharper, crisper lens, where health and happiness and love trump every little thing, are rare. We both know that and we both savor them whenever they flare up.

  “I love you,” she mouths to me. I blow her a kiss that Milly catches and giggles.

  Then Noah smacks me on the back and my focus returns to my team, to the game.

  I play the last period hard, going all in on every play. Knowing my girl and my kids are in the stands, that my family is watching over me, I play like I will forever. Like my days as a hockey defenseman nearing forty aren’t numbered.