The Twelve Wild Swans

by Starhawk

  Now breathe on the water, and sense how it ripples and shifts. The image in the water changes, too, moving one step away from you, becoming more like your opposite. Notice how your reflection begins to express qualities opposite of your own, polarizing, changing gender expression, from butch to femme, or from femme to butch, or ranging along some other very personal polarity. Maybe (s)he changes from shy to extroverted, from detached to passionate, or from practical to dreamy. Maybe (s)he grows breasts, a penis, or facial hair. Breathe again and again on the water, each time allowing a ripple to pass over its surface, each time allowing your reflection to change a bit more toward your polar opposite. When you feel ready, hold the image you’ve found, and begin to offer an exchange of love and appreciation and care. Say, “Thou art Goddess.” Give yourself time to explore your reactions to your Companion Self, simply noticing what is there for you, without judgment. When you are ready, thank your Companion Self and say good-bye, knowing that the Companion Self is always with you and that you can return to this place whenever you wish.

  Breathe again on the water, sensing the ripples spreading, clouding the reflection, and allow your double to reshape itself on the mirror surface of the pool. Exchange energy again with your double; exchange appreciation, love, and care. Thank your double and say good-bye, knowing that your double also stays with you always and that you can return here whenever you wish.

  When you are ready, acknowledge each of the directions again, and thank them, opening your circle in your place of power. Return to normal consciousness, using the exact opposite of your trance induction. Slowly stretch all over, pat the outlines of your body, say your name three times, clap your hands. It is done. Eat and relax a little. If you are working with friends, you may want to discuss what you experienced, or if you are working alone, you may want to make some notes in your Book of Shadows. Open your circle only when you are ready.

  The Jealous Rival

  When Rose reenters the human world of the castle, she meets the challenge of human love, but she also must stand up to a jealous rival. Rose is working every day with nettle, one of whose magic powers is to break curses and to send other people’s energy back where it came from. Rose is using this power, as she weaves the shirts, to break the curse on her brothers. But now she finds that this is a power she will need to protect herself as well, as she faces her mother-in-law’s hostility.

  Rose is no longer an unformed girl; she has become someone very special. She has traveled to other worlds, learned the language of intuition, and wandered the wildwood, where a little stream of self-love flows. She has found the salt shore, where she withstood her brothers’ anger, and stepped into the basket for a wild flight beyond. She has walked in the dream castle of the Fata Morgana and made a home in the hermit’s green cave, where her spell was woven in mountain silence. Rose returns to the human world unique and whole, purposeful and silent with contained power.

  Now these qualities make Rose attractive to the young king, but they also make her repulsive to his mother. And so it is with us, as we learn to move freely through all the worlds at will, changing consciousness, using the tools of magic. Our wholeness, our purpose, and our power will attract some and infuriate others.

  This is one of the great lessons of adult human life—that not everybody will like us, that some will actually try to harm us. Once when I was working psychically with the myth of Persephone, who was raped by the Lord of the Underworld, I remember calling one of my Reclaiming teachers, Cybele, and weeping on the phone: “Why does there have to be a perpetrator?” I’ll never forget her answer: “It’s not so much that there has to be a perpetrator; it’s just that there is a perpetrator.” And in Rose’s story, it is the old queen who wishes to harm her.

  A Word to the Wise

  This particular part of Rose’s story, where she is cruelly attacked and cannot speak to defend herself, brings up powerful feelings and memories for many people. Women and men who have experienced abusive relationships, either as children or adults, know the feeling of being badly treated and being unable to speak up. Strong sensory memories and disturbing waves of emotion may come up for some people while working with this part of the story.

  If so, there is a loop in the story for you. Please go back to the beginning, to the Castle of Family Secrets, and speak up, as Rose did, asking a million questions. Find the information you need and the courage to walk away from the castle. Reexperience the discovery of self-love and the ability to rely on guidance and help. Stand again on the salt shore, facing the truth about the wicked vow that never should have been made.

  Many people who experienced abuse as children, and many people recovering from traumatic or violent experiences as adults, need the support of a therapist, recovery group, doctor, body worker, twelve-step program, or some other structured help in this process. If you identify with this paragraph, you deserve all the help you can get, and then some more. My prayers, and the prayers of many others, are with you.

  Holding to Life Purpose

  Meanwhile, Rose’s challenge is to hold true to her life purpose regardless of how other people react to her. While Rose works, the old queen’s cruelty endangers Rose, and Rose must continue weaving even when the old queer steals her babies and spreads hostile rumors about her. But we can just as easily be knocked off center by flattery, admiration, and praise. Rose also had to continue weaving when she married the young king and became queen of her own land. As our inner mastery (or mystery!) gleams through into our lives, other people will react strongly, and whether the storm is positive or negative, we need psychic tools to weather it.

  So now let’s practice a technique for anchoring and holding our center, our identity, and our life purpose amid the weather of the human world. First we will go over the concept of “anchoring” a psychic state so that we can return to it at will. Then we will create an anchored connection with our core worth. Our core worth is a centered, potent sense of identity, which we can return to when people or events, whether positive or negative, knock us off center. An anchored sense of core worth may be the end of an inner, healing journey as well as the beginning of the journey of the Outer Path.

  Anchoring

  As we walk between the worlds, enchanting ourselves with music and movement, trancing deep into the Otherworld, and reaching states of ecstatic embodiment, there come moments when we ask ourselves, “Why can’t I box or bottle this moment, this amazing state of consciousness, so that I can return to it whenever I want?” Much of the art and craft of magic is exactly that: techniques that allow us to move from one state of consciousness to another at will.

  When we create sacred space, we lead ourselves down a familiar and well-worn path with the repetition of familiar sounds, visual images, and physical sensations. We see the blue fire of our circle sister’s sharpened knife cutting away the veil between the worlds. We hear the fluid, abundant sound of water being poured into the saltwater bowl. When we shake out and loosen our hips and knees and sigh out a deep breath to ground ourselves, we create physical sensations that become, with repetition, the key to a door that opens into an altered state of consciousness.

  We can always choose to use auditory, visual, and sensory cues together to create a personal path or doorway to a desired state of consciousness. When we reach a state of consciousness we wish to be able to return to at will, we can choose a strong personal visual image, a word or sound, and a physical sensation that we can use together as our own magic “key” to the desired state. Then later we can re-create the sensation, image, and sound to take us back to the consciousness we seek. By using the vivid, sensual language of Younger Self, we create a swift and effective sensory prayer that asks Younger Self and Deep Self to take us back to another state of mind, heart, and body. In Reclaiming tradition, we often refer to this technique as “creating an anchor.”

  Finding Our Core Worth

  In order to be able to hold onto our identities and our purposes even when under attack, we need to
find and anchor our basic sense of core worth. Core is a wonderful word that refers to the center, where the life force is held. The core of an apple is the center of the apple, but it is also the place where the seeds lie. From this center of potency, a whole new apple tree can arise. Coincidentally, Core or Kore is another name for Persephone, who goes down into the dark of the underworld to find her true self and to become a queen instead of a daughter.

  The Goddess traditions recognize that at the core of each person, each animal, each plant, each natural event, the same mystery is revealed. We are each Goddess. She has many faces and many forms. She has infinite stories: the hungry shrilling of the baby birds in the nest, the crack of thunder and the lightning that races from sky to earth, the sunflower stretching toward the glory of sunlight—all tell the same story of her desire for herself. We are each an unfolding tale of her search for herself, for her longing for her own beloved soul. Our challenges, our miseries, our delight, our fruition are each the voice of a single instrument in the great symphony of her self-love. So at our core, we are each of the ultimate and highest value. There is no rank or comparison here, no striving or proving. At our core, we are each a deep and potent well of self-creation, through which the Goddess expresses herself; we are each her paint box, her orchestra, her dancers.

  When we touch the deepest part of our own self, when we touch our true potency, we touch a place that is far beyond criticism or flattery from others, far beyond any defeat or accomplishment in the outside world. When we touch this place and anchor it, so that we can return to it at will, we have created for ourselves the strongest possible defense against the malice of the old queen. Like Rose, we will then be able to keep weaving, spinning, and sewing no matter what others may say or do.

  Core Worth: Through Physical Sensation

  The following meditation works by allowing us to experience the physical sensation of being pushed off balance and coming back to center. The first time we ever did this exercise was many years ago at the Vancouver Witchcamp. Cybele, from her knowledge of movement and bodywork and the depth of her own personal healing journey, led us through a set of exercises to find our centers.

  In sacred space, find a partner. Stand opposite each other, ground yourself, and place one foot against the instep of the other foot, pointing out at right angles from each other, like fourth position in ballet. Now move your front foot forward about the width of your shoulders, and rock back and forth until you come to center. Make your knees soft, and center your breath in that power point in your belly about two inches below the navel. “In aikido,” says Cybele, “this stance is called hamni.”

  Take a moment with your partner, and take turns pushing against each other’s shoulders. Try to push or pull each other off balance, and see if that’s easy or difficult to do. The receiver’s task is to return to the centered stance and to study her responses to being knocked off center. Do I exaggerate the effects (drama queen)? Do I resist and not allow events to move me (stoic)? Do I have some other response? Allow each partner several opportunities to experience the sensation of returning to center. Allow yourselves to explore and deepen your sense of your own centers. Allow yourselves to experience the internal sensation of having a center that can you return to when you begin to lose your balance.

  Now one partner should release the stance and stand beside the other. Relax and breathe deeply for a moment. Then say your partner’s name. Ask, “How do you know that you are (name)?” If she is not comfortable using her name, you can simply ask, “How do you know that you are yourself?”

  As the receiver, when you hear your name, let yourself notice where in your body that name resonates. Touch that place, creating a sensation. Notice what visual image comes to mind and what word or phrase you hear with your inner ear when you are centered and simply yourself.

  Remember, being yourself is enough. You are already, in your nature, part of the living body of the Goddess. Focus on the touch, the image, the sound of the word or phrase. Breathe into them, let them deepen and take root as your anchor to your own core worth. Know that when you use these three things together—the touch, the image, the word or phrase—you will call yourself back into this sense of centered core worth.

  Now let your partner push against you and try to knock you over. Has anything changed? Repeat so each partner has a chance to create an anchor. You can use your anchor anytime to bring you into this core state of being. Breathe into your anchor; tell yourself that the more you use it, the stronger it will become. Now let go of your anchor and come back.

  Core Worth Spell: An Apple

  You will each need an apple and a knife. With your circle at your group’s altar, or alone at your home altar, create sacred space. Light your candles, and take a moment to look around.

  Your altar is full of magic from Rose’s story, from your own story. There are your lovely roses reflected in the mirror of self-love and self-care. There is food for you to share with deity, your commitment to accept guidance and teaching. There are ashes from the fire where you released your wicked vows, freeing yourself from any bitterness over past injustice. There is a bit of basketry, woven from the wild, and your drums, yoga mats, meditation cushions, or other tools for “flying.” The nettle dolls rest there, your pledge to develop inner strength by nourishing yourselves with food, herbs, and the light, relaxing trance of repetitive work and exercise. Now we will add the mystery; our core worth.

  You can each take an apple and cut it in half around the equator, the opposite way from how many people cut apples. In the center of the apple, observe the mystery, the seeds, surrounded by the pentacle, sign of the Goddess and of the cyclical life of nature. Know that the apple reflects you as surely as any mirror. You hold in your secret center the mystery, the Goddess immanent in your human life, with all its ambiguities. So do your sisters. Deep inside each of you lie the seeds of immortality and of deity. Let the apples stay on your altar for now, as a prayer to the Goddess to strengthen your sense of your core worth.

  We have each had the opportunity to explore the feeling of core worth and to create an anchor so we can return to it at will. We have made a spell at our altars, a concrete prayer to the Great Goddess, for our certainty of our core worth. Now we will go on a trance journey to explore our own boundaries, to see how we are protected from attack. We will have an opportunity to make adjustments, strengthening and repairing our boundaries if necessary, and making sure we can get the information we need through them.

  Trance: The Crone’s Three Gifts

  When facing jealousy or attack, we need protection as well as a strong sense of core worth. The following trance allows you to work with the boundaries you create to protect yourself, and with your ability to perceive the boundaries of others, in the safety of your own place of power and with the assistance of the Old Woman.

  In sacred space, relax, go into trance, and go to your place of power. Take some time to explore your place of power to see and feel and sense what is here for you today.

  When you’ve explored the inner realm of your place of power, take a moment and walk out to the boundary. Where is the edge of your place of power? What is that boundary made of? Is it thick or thin, solid or permeable? Are there holes or gaps in it? Is there a way for people or things you want to invite in to get through?

  Now take a deep breath. Imagine that someone is standing close behind you, someone of great power and wisdom, the Old Woman of our story, the Crone herself. Slowly, slowly, turn toward her. As you turn, you begin to get a sense of her presence, how big she is, how she fills your space. Notice what you smell on the air, what you hear, what she looks like, what she is wearing and holding and doing. Open your ears, and hear what she says to you and to you alone.

  And now, as you breathe deeply, you hear her voice again. “My child,” she says, “I am going to give you three gifts, and the first is this: to have a boundary, to know where you leave off and the rest of the world begins, and to make that boundary be as you w
ant it to be, strong enough to protect you, open enough to let through what can nourish and delight you.”

  Breathing deeply, you turn back to your boundary. Now you can mold it and shape it according to your will. Take time to form it into what you want it to be. Look for gaps or holes to repair, and notice what direction they are in. Choose the material you want your boundary to be made of, and know how you can let the people you choose into your place.

  When you are ready, slowly turn back to the Crone. Listen to what she has to say to you and to you alone. Then take a deep breath, and hear her voice. “My child,” she says, “I am going to give you a second gift, and this one is the tool you need to defend your boundaries and to repair them when they are damaged.”

  And you breathe deeply and look around you. Or close your eyes and just feel around you. What comes to hand? What does your tool feel like? What is its weight like to hold? What is it made of? Open your eyes and look at it. What can it be used for? And how do you carry it?

  When you are ready, turn again to face the Crone, and listen once more to what she says to you alone. Then take a deep breath, and once again hear her voice. “My child,” she says, “I am going to give you one last gift. Just as your skin is both a boundary to your body and an organ of sensation, so your boundary is also a sensory organ. The gift I give you is the ability to sense the boundaries of others and to know consciously when you are crossing them.”

  Turn back to your boundary. Feel it come alive. How will it gather information for you? How will it talk to you and let you know when you encounter another’s boundary? What will you feel or sense or notice that will alert you?