Feeling White

by Charlotte E Hart

  "Right, I'm off." I'm instantly brought back to this world when Belle shouts through the door and I splosh the water over the side of the bath in an attempt to sit up. I don't know why. She can't see me but I feel caught out somehow and look at the door wildly.

  "Shit," I mumble to myself as I throw the towel onto the floor to stop the escaped water from swallowing the bathroom up.

  Everything okay in there?" she calls through the door.

  "Yes, I was just... I was..." I stutter. I don't know what to say... About to come?

  “Were you really? Naughty girl,” she replies with a hysterical laugh. I throw mental daggers at the door and scowl at it.

  “Stop talking to me through the door, you idiot,” I say as I pick up the sponge and start washing. She opens the door and strides in, looking incredible in an electric blue dress, and plonks herself on the toilet seat.

  “So what are you doing this weekend?” she asks as she picks up some blue nail polish and starts to apply it.

  “Nice colour. Wearing it for any particular reason?” I reply with a cackle. “I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. Are you even wearing underwear?”

  “Yes, I know, and no. So the weekend?” She grins as she screws her nose up at the smell. I giggle. She always has hated the smell of nail varnish. I lean back again and sigh.

  “I don’t know. He hasn’t told me anything, only that I need to be ready at seven and that he’ll have me back here by Sunday night. I don’t know how I feel about it all if I’m honest.” She looks across at me suspiciously and puts the nail varnish down.

  “What do you mean by that? You do still feel the same, don’t you?”

  “Yes, of course I do but I haven’t let him touch me-”

  She cuts me off abruptly with a look of disbelief. “You haven’t had sex again yet?” she shouts incredulously. I roll my eyes and throw the sponge across at her. It hits the sink. I always was a terrible shot.

  “No, silly, I mean I haven’t let him get kinky yet and I think I probably will this weekend. In fact, I know I will if I’m honest. I just... I still don’t seem to trust him and I don’t know why.”

  “Probably because he’s a fucking dick who acted like a pig,” she replies. That’s her best response as she shrugs and blows on her nails.

  “Thanks for that, Belle, really helpful,” I say as I slide under the water and remember the pain of him leaving again.

  When I surface again, she stares at me with what can only be described as a weird look. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before and I tilt my head at her as I wipe the suds away.

  “I think I love him, you know?” she says as she continues her gaze.

  “Oh, right,” I reply quietly. “Are you okay about it?” I know full well how she feels about being in love. It wrecked her last time after the bastard, Marcus Renfield, and she promised she’d never do it again. She swore she’d find a rich man who was fun and that would be that.

  “He does love you, honey. Conner wouldn’t have fought me so hard on it if he didn’t think it was the right thing to do. I trust him. Perhaps you should, too?” she says softly in response as she stands up and starts to brush herself down in the mirror. Conner fought her?

  “How can you say that? You haven’t got a good word to say about him normally, and Conner would stand up for him, wouldn’t he?” I say, trying to figure out where on earth she’s going with this.

  “Conner battled his corner quite effectively, and I say bad things about him because I think he’s an arse. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think he’s good for you. If anything, I think him being a dick probably helped you. You’re stronger now, wiser around him. Use it to your advantage and don’t let him make the same mistake again. If you’re going to do this with someone like him, honey, you’ve got to give it everything. There’s no point holding back because you’ll only hurt yourself in the end and blame yourself when it doesn’t work,” she replies, her words slow, almost as if she’s devouring each thought and processing them herself.

  What the hell was that? Did she just do a complete one eighty on love?

  “What was that? I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure you just spoke of love with some sort of fondness attached,” I reply as I watch her fiddling with her jewellery. She looks nervous all of a sudden and I get out of the bath and wrap myself in my robe. Does she need me? What’s going on in her head? “Belle, are you okay? What’s the matter?” She turns around to look at me with tears brimming her eyes and I throw my arms around her and cuddle her as tight as I can. Tears? I don’t remember seeing tears for years. I can feel her sniff them back before they fall from her eyes and she backs up and wipes at her eyes, shrugging away from me.

  “I’m... I’m nervous, scared. What if he...? Do you think he’ll...? Oh, fuck it, I don’t know what I am and frankly I’m getting bloody bored with feeling like this,” she says as she storms out of the room. I follow her and watch her throw herself on the bed, overly dramatically to be honest. Yep, definitely in love. I smile and sit down next to her.

  “You’ll wrinkle your dress,” I say with a giggle as she sits up and looks at me.

  “What does it matter? He’ll have me out of it within twenty minutes anyway and I‘ll love every minute of it. He’s got me, Beth, hook, line and sinker. I wasn’t ready for him. I’m still not sure I am.”

  “Well, given your little pep talk to me a minute ago, perhaps you should just listen to your own words. He’s not like Marcus, Belle. You know that.” I think about Conner for a moment. “To be fair, he’s not like anyone, is he? The man’s a genius or something, and regardless of his blue hair, he is pretty gorgeous.” She giggles at me and bumps my shoulder with hers.

  “What a pair, hey? Could we not have found ourselves normal, dull, rich men? You know the ones who are a bit of fun and okay in the sack?” I look at her with a smirk and a sigh.

  “I didn’t even want a rich one. It still scares the shit out of me if I’m honest. Normal would have been just fine on its own. Alexander White is definitely not normal.” She giggles again and snorts back a bark of laughter.

  “Bloody stunning, though. I mean, are his legs as good as they look in trousers?” My head swings round so quick it almost falls off.

  “Oh my god, are you having pervy thoughts about my boyfriend?” She tries to straighten her face and fails miserably as she bursts out laughing.

  “No! Yes… But you’ve thought the same of Conner and don’t deny it.” I have to laugh because I have, early on, before I realised he was interested in her. He was one of the only wealthy people who’d never intimidated me for some reason. Now I just see him as a friend, but he’s still a very cute friend.

  “Actually, it was his shoulders. He’s got very good shoulders, has Conner, cheeky too.” I swear I hear her hiss at me and look at her with my mouth hanging open. “Did you just hiss at me?” She shrugs and gets up.

  “I can’t help it. He gets me all fired up. Fucking jealously, ridiculous I know. I really need to do something about that. It’s far too obvious.” She checks herself in the mirror and reapplies her lipstick. “Listen, I have to go or I’m going to be late.”

  “Where are you going?” I say as I wander out into the hall and make my way to the kettle.

  “I don’t know. Some basement somewhere, then I think he’s sweeping me off to a friend’s yacht. Even I can’t keep up with him if I’m honest. Oh by the way, remember the shop’s closed on Monday for new lights in the front and we’re going to Mum’s for lunch.” How had I forgotten that?

  “Yep, no need to remind me, and frankly I’m glad of it. I feel exhausted.”

  “I think we all do. We need to sort that holiday and soon.”

  “Yes, Alex mentioned skiing the other day randomly. Don’t know what that was about but it did get me thinking,” I reply as I shove her down the corridor. “Go. He’s waiting.”

  “And so he should be,” she says with a grin as she gives me a hug. “Have a good weekend, honey and let me
know where you are when you find out.”

  “I will. You, too.”

  “Love you,” she says as she closes the door and leaves me on my own.

  I make a cup of coffee and head through to the lounge. It’s only eight-thirty and the thought of curling up on the sofa and watching a DVD or some rubbish is very enticing. I flick the through the channels and try to let my mind relax into chill mode. Clearly it’s not happening because the moment I try to focus on nothing, he comes flying back into my head with superb clarity and I find myself closing my eyes and letting him take over again before I know it.

  Stop it, Beth. One night.

  I lift my eyes open and shake my head as I chastise my head for letting him control it again. I don’t even know why I’m bothering to fight it any more. It doesn’t matter whether I trust him or not. I know I want him to be more again because the way he’s currently behaving just doesn’t feel quite right. Part of me wishes it did, but deep down, I feel like I’m stifling him, holding him back and at the same time restricting myself from enjoying every inch of him. I doubt there’s a future for us if we don’t get back to where we were anyway. He wants it… I want it… What the hell am I playing at? What am I trying to achieve here? Shit, I’m still thinking about him. Stop it!

  I flop backwards on the sofa and stretch out. I am determined to relax and not think about him. The credits roll on the news that I have been aimlessly staring at and I flick the channels again. Bridget Jones flashes in front of me and I smile. Perfect. I crack my neck and bed in for the film. I love this film and it will definitely distract me from wandering fingers, hopefully.

  I wake to find myself in darkness and the television doing that slight flicker thing it does when there’s nothing on. What time is it? I squint over at the clock to see five in the morning staring back at me. Shit, I must have fallen asleep during the film. The last thing I remember is her walking through the market to Gabrielle’s song. God, I really was tired. I try to move, knowing that I should go to bed, but when I suddenly remember that he’s going to be here in two hours, I think better of it and snuggle back down again. I’ll have another half an hour or so before I think about hauling myself into the shower. I can’t believe I spent the night on the sofa. Given what’s probably going to happen tomorrow night and the lack of sleep I’ll be getting, I should have got to my own bed and rested. Idiot!

  What the hell does he want from me at seven anyway? Doesn’t the man do lying in? And where is he taking me? Probably somewhere expensive, I know that much anyway. It’ll be a day of opulence, or something ridiculous like lunch at the Ivy. Who goes to lunch at the Ivy for God’s sake? He does, apparently. I smile at the thought of flicking his lettuce at him, which reminds me of his interesting whispering. There was a time I’d have been shocked, even appalled, but now I can’t help but wonder what it would feel like to be suspended and blindfolded. I at least know why he likes ropes now. I can feel my groin completely agreeing with my mind and giggle at myself as I make my decision. Mr. White, you’ve got permission.

  Regardless of my sleepiness, I can’t help but reach for my phone and type in the word Shibari. The instant I do, several images spring onto the page. My eyes open with a start as I look down at the images of women wrapped intricately in rope and knots. One is lying flat downward as she hangs from four ropes. Her body has somehow been laced together with twisted bonds that seem to end at her neck. The man standing next to her has his fingers hooked downwards in her mouth and he seems to be pulling her toward him. With the other hand, he’s holding the rope that’s attached to her neck and gazing at her with a completely impassive face. She, however, seems to be in a trance-like state. Her eyes are glazed like she’s been transported to another place somehow, but there’s no denying that they’re lust filled. I bet her mouth’s watering around his fingers and I can guarantee she’s itching to bite down. The energy it must be taking to take that pressure in her mouth must be consuming her. Her body looks taught and lean as if she’s stretching every fibre of herself out for him with a strained pleasure that she can’t deny herself. Is that where I go when I find myself in that peaceful place? Is that what he sees when he looks at me? What is that place? If she goes there, too, it must have a name. I need to ask Alex about that.

  Scanning another image, I notice the time and jump up immediately. How I’ve done it I don’t know, but I’ve been learning about bondage for nearly an hour and now it’s six. Well at least I’m informed now.

  By a quarter to seven I’m sitting outside my apartment on a bench, staring at the road. The last time he picked me up, he startled me by standing outside my door, which is not happening again. I am prepared, I am ready, and as I sit here in my long brown boots and jeans waiting for him, I smirk at the thought of making him force me again. That’s what I want from him and that’s what he wants me to give him. I won’t have to do much. He’ll read it in me. His eyes will read mine like an open book and I’ll revel in it. Whatever it was that I’ve been scared about has deserted me and for the first time in a week, I feel somehow more relaxed.

  Having done some research, I now know that it’s a Bentley that’s driving along the street toward me so I check my watch. Yep, he was going to surprise me again. Not this time, White.

  I pull Belle’s beige coat around myself, tuck my cream scarf in neatly and walk toward the car with a determination I haven’t felt before. I am in control, I am strong, and I know what I want. He’ll give me just what I want if I let him and I refuse to be a wreck about it anymore.

  His foot hits the pavement and for whatever reason, all thoughts of my own powerful existence run away in fear and hide as he lifts his beautiful frame out of the car. His blue eyes hit mine and in a second, he’s suddenly wearing that look - a darker blue - the look that tells me he’s had enough of pussy footing around and he’s going to take his control back. It happens in a split second. He was soft, now he’s not and as I watch his body move aggressively toward me, I inwardly groan at my thoughts. God, I want him. He could have me this very second, right here on the concrete and I would probably beg for more.

  His boots click loudly as he eats up the ground in long strides and gets closer. The wind blows his shirt flush against his skin and I just hold back a moan at the figure of him as it moulds across his chest. I can’t breathe as I glance at his hands. Has he seen it in my eyes already? The slight sneer of desire that sweeps across his mouth tells me that he probably has and I feel myself moving quicker toward him.

  He halts abruptly four feet away from me and holds his hand up to stop me. I’m so shocked that I still instantly, drop my bag and gaze across at him. He watches me intently for what seems like hours as we stand there in the wind, his hands in his pockets and my hands gripping my coat at the neck as if it will somehow save me from something. His head tilts just slightly.

  “Are you ready, Elizabeth?” Am I…? Yes, I am.

  “I think so.” God, I hope so. Please don’t break my heart again.

  “This isn’t the story of love conquering an addiction. You do know that, don’t you? We’ve only just begun and this will be enduring.” Wow, did I think that? I don’t know. Jesus, it’s a little early for this.

  “I think so,” I reply as a grip tighter to my coat.

  “This is who I want to be. I revel in it and I’ll take you further if you trust me,” he states with no reservation whatsoever as his eyes give me one last chance to leave if I want to. I know that’s what he’s trying to tell me and I gulp down an unwelcome gasp of nerves. How far is he talking about?

  “I... I don’t want you to.” I never wanted that. I just needed time.

  “Are you sure?” he says as his eyes narrow slightly. “I can’t be the man you’ve had for the last week forever, Elizabeth. Not even for you.” I smile and take a breath as I look down at the floor. For the first time he’s being himself again and I can’t wait to have him back.

  “I don’t think I liked him much anyway. I think he was holding ba
ck,” I reply with a smirk and a small chuckle.

  His eyebrow arches at my comment as he processes it and then he smiles. It’s one of the most glorious things I’ve ever seen and I can’t stop my feet from moving again as he opens his arms and squeezes me into him. His mouth glances under my ear and he breathes me into him. For the first time in a while I feel like the real Alex is holding me again. His hand moves around my neck and squeezes hard as he tilts my head up to him.

  “I’ve got something for you,” he says as he pushes me away and reaches into his pocket. His hand opens to reveal my bracelet. “It never left me, not once.” He lifts my left hand and places the diamonds carefully around my wrist. “Please don’t take it off.” I look down at it twinkling in the streetlights and smile as he raises it to his mouth and kisses it.

  “Mr. White, are you getting sentimental on me?” I reply as I giggle at him.

  “No, I just don’t want you to give it back to me again. It’s yours and it tells me that you’re mine,” he says with a wink and a smirk so I grin at him with that I so love you look. “Now, are you ready to go?” he asks as he picks up my bag and extends his hand toward the waiting car.

  “Yes, where are we going anyway?” I ask as he pulls me to the car. He doesn’t respond as he puts me in the car. “Hello, Andrews,” I say as I slide in.

  “Good morning, ma’am, nice to see you again,” he replies in his monotone fashion as he pulls out into the road and starts our journey.

  “God, Andrews, I do wish you’d call me Elizabeth or Beth or something. You make me sound like bloody royalty,” I snap a little harsher than I intended. His eyebrows raise in the mirror and Alex looks at me with shock. “Well it’s stupid, all this ma’am and Sir stuff. Honestly, I think everybody should just loosen up a bit.” Where my sudden exasperation has come from, I’m really not sure, but I’m giving it everything and that means being me, too.