Feeling White

by Charlotte E Hart

  “Why, Pascal?”

  It’s all I’ve got. I don’t get any of it. I don’t understand his need to hurt someone, I don’t understand Pascal’s want for it, I don’t understand how I’m connected to it or how I could possibly fit into it, and more importantly, I don’t understand why the hell I’m even contemplating moving forward with any of this. He reaches forward and straightens my dress out so that it covers my thighs again. Given what’s just happened, I stare across at him in amazement. Why he’s trying to pretend he’s a decent man is a complete mystery. “And what the hell are you doing that for?”

  “You looked too… ravished. I am attempting for decent,” he says with a wave of his hand.

  “Decent? You are joking? Nothing about any of this is decent. You’re certainly not.”

  My snort of disgust earns me a reproachful glare so I recall my hostility and try for relaxed again. Gorgeous as he might be, I’ve just felt what he’s capable of and it’s quite possible he might launch again at any moment. His jaw twitches with some emotion as a smile graces his mouth again. I’ve licked my lips before I know it. I’m obviously a very confused little girl.

  “Have I not stopped?” Well that’s true, I suppose, although I’m still looking at those hands in case they move again. He chuckles at me and stares out the window for a minute in thought as I sip my champagne and try to calm down.

  “We all have our demons to play with, Elizabeth. His are born of fear, mine are of remorse or perhaps guilt. However, for now the reason is irrelevant. It is more significant that you realise the amount of release necessary. One cannot simply ‘talk it out’ as the Americans say,” he says as he pulls my feet towards him gently and lifts the champagne from the bucket with a frown. “You should always keep your shoes on, my rose. Do learn to run in them.”

  And then he does something completely unexpected and takes his shirt off. My mouth goes dry the instant it happens. He’s leaner than Alex, more athletic, but still oh so beautiful. Much darker skin covers his undeniably very fit body and as I notice a long scar across his ribs, he moves the champagne to my feet and pours. Ice-cold liquid is quickly replaced by a warm shirt as he softly wipes at my dirty feet and washes away the grime from running on the streets - away from him, away from them. My heart melts a touch for such a gentlemanly act of kindness, and given the reason they’re so filthy, I wonder if he feels responsible, if he feels to blame for what I witnessed?

  He’s probably just got a damn foot fetish.

  “Are you scared of him, Elizabeth?”

  “No.” It’s immediately out of my mouth. I’m not scared of him in the slightest. I’m just scared of what I don’t understand. He said he’d always stay with me and hear me when I used my safeword, and I trust him with that. I just can’t deal with the deceit anymore, the things that I don’t know, and the things that he won’t tell me. His violence, his past, the reasons he needs this and the reasons he won’t let me in far enough to understand this.

  “Then why did you humiliate him? Why would you hurt him so?”

  Excuse me? I think I was the one who was humiliated, wasn’t I? Standing there looking at two men about to go at it in some sort of sexual explosion of... whatever. I rip my feet away from his hands and scoot over to the corner again, suddenly feeling the need to get as far away as possible from his deviant hands and calming words. They’re both deranged if they think I’m going to take the fall for this.

  “I was the one who had to witness something so... so...” Bizarre, odd, strange… Core clenching. My arms have begun flailing around as I try to get my irritation across.

  “Private, emotional, honest,” he says with a lift of his brow. “Elizabeth, do you appreciate what an effort it is for him to acknowledge himself and allow it, regardless of the erotic connotation involved, to accept that he needs a man for his release?”

  Oh fuck balls, I hadn’t thought about it like that.

  “Well, I...”

  Actually, no. He was happy when I left the room. After being part of some sort of sodding game between them, I had left him smiling. What the hell happened after I left? In those minutes, what occurred to change his thoughts to that of violence?

  I narrow my eyes at Pascal and wonder what he did to change the atmosphere. Did he cause this? His sinfully smirking face tells me maybe he did. But clearly I have no fucking clue whatsoever in this world of debauchery and apparent pleasure, so I look at the floor again and try to fathom what happened. I thought he’d gotten what he needed. I thought I’d given him what he wanted from me. The whole office thing was his idea after all.

  “He cannot be suppressed, my rose. He may always need this and for your relationship to be whole, you will have to honour his fundamental desire, which is to cause pain. He rids himself of his past in doing so and unfortunately he cannot give you everything until you forgive him this.”

  Oh my god, what the fuck does that mean? Forgive him? How do I forgive something that has nothing to do with me?

  “But he was okay when I left. He was...”

  “Aroused, tempted, provoked,” he answers for me as he sips his champagne quietly and sits there looking all superior and in control of himself. Handsome bastard. My mind races through the glimmers of restraint he was clawing onto while Pascal touched me, the flashes of hatred in his eyes as he saw my excitement at another man’s hands, the way he slapped Pascal as if he was barely holding on to his fury with what he did to me... to himself. To our love. Oh!

  “I hadn’t thought about it like that.” Idiot, Beth. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  The car pulls to a stop as I look across at him and wonder what on earth I’m supposed to do now. What am I supposed to say to any of that? God, I’m tired, so bloody tired. If I carry on with Alex, will it always be like this? The constant worry that there’s more that I’m going to find out, more that I’m going to have to come to terms with or deal with? I gaze at him uncertainly as he sighs and reaches out a hand for me. For whatever reason, I take it and smile wearily at him.

  “My rose, you have some choices to make and I’m afraid you shall have to make them rather swiftly. He is in there, quite possibly eating my dogs to get to you, and while I recognize his dilemma, I would like to save their lives if I’m at all able. He was not all that thrilled about me coming after you.”

  “Why did you?”

  Really, it would have been a lot easier to just let Alex come for me, wouldn’t it? While I know Pascal is his friend, he has possibly just pissed the man I love off to the highest degree and he wasn’t in his good books in the first place.

  “It was time you were made aware of who he is, and because it terrifies him that you might be ashamed of him or that you would leave him for his vices, he would have been manipulative with his reasoning. I believe you deserve better than that, and I also believe that you love him enough to accept him as nature intended him to be.”

  My eyes become slits because oh, that’s good. He knows Alex better than he knows himself. I wish I knew that. Why didn’t I know that? I should know that about him, shouldn’t I? But he shouldn’t have hidden it, should he? Perhaps that’s what Pascal means about us being whole. “And I told you I would always be here for you should you need me. That time is upon us now.”

  “Right.” I’m actually a little disgusted with myself for not knowing this stuff. I don’t like that it’s been concealed from me but I can’t deny that I should have been able to see it in him, or maybe feel it somehow.

  “Mmm...” Smarmy shit. I have a feeling I could learn a lot from him about the man I’m in love with, the one who’s probably demolishing something at the moment. My eyes flick to the window.

  “Is he all angry and stuff?” Stupid Beth, of course he’s angry.

  “Quite furious I should imagine.” Helpful. I’m now filled with confidence that our reunion will be pleasant and rosy.

  “Do you think he’ll hit you again?”

  “Oh, I do hope so.” I roll my eyes at him in reply. T
he man is seriously psychotic, unfairly attractive yes, but an utter lunatic nonetheless.

  “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with all this. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think or do. It’s not exactly normal, is it?” I blurt out as I stare at the window and wonder what’s waiting for me.

  “I should hope not. I’ve been called a lot of things, my rose, but normal has never been one of them. I am very fond of you and we shall have fun while you are worshipped. I believe most women would be delighted with that outcome, don’t you?” I skim my eyes over his very compelling torso and concede that yes, the thought is quite tempting, but I can’t even contemplate how the hell this sort of thing works, or who dictates when things happen. I would assume it’s Alex, but who the hell knows?

  Oh my god, could I be any more confused? I narrow my eyes at him and try to formulate some sort of understanding of my situation so he looks back at me with another unfairly enticing chuckle of superiority.

  “Do you expect me to share him with you?” Yep, let’s get that out there.

  “No, my rose. He will need me on occasion and you will be part of that. You must trust me enough to recognise it and bring him to me. He wants you to feel him in that moment and love him for it, even if he doesn’t understand it himself yet. This will be in your hands.”

  Oh right, I’m in control apparently. Great, because I know exactly what the hell I’m doing. Not. That inner slut of mine is throwing the panties she’s not wearing out of the window and running for the ominous black door in front of me.

  “But no sharing as such?”

  “Well, a little. You must let me enjoy him while I can.” I roll my eyes again and then frown across at him with the sudden realisation that he might want to… well, do things I’m not entirely comfortable with. I don’t even know how I feel about man on man stuff but I’m damn sure I won’t have it shoved down my throat. My eyes flick to his groin. I’m a complete slut.

  “And you promise there’s no man on man stuff? Because I’m not sure-”

  “Elizabeth, he doesn’t want that, although he might do it for you if you pushed him and I would love that mouth on mine at least once before I die.” He’s a slut, too, but then I knew that, didn’t I? A loveable, strange and undeniably gorgeous rogue. What on earth am I getting myself into?

  “Okay.” I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. I’m not even sure what it is that I’m agreeing to if I’m honest, but I think I understand to some degree.

  “Wonderful,” he says, clapping his hands together as if we’ve just arranged a party or something equally exciting. I suppose we have in a roundabout way. “Now, do you need another drink or are you ready?” he continues as he slips my heels back on and puts my feet to the floor. I gaze across at him and try to consider the fact that he had his hands all over me ten minutes ago as I think about how ready I am for seeing Alex again. There is no clarity forthcoming in the slightest so I nod my head at him and brush my dress down in the hope that I might look as composed and in control as he does. “You look as enchanting as ever, my dear, quite flushed in fact. Now, when you see him, do maintain your dominance over him. He will need it to be honest with you. Do not let him see a hint of fear. He uses it to his own advantage far too well.”

  Oh, okay. I have no clue what that means but I’ll give it a go. I search rapidly for feisty Beth and find her cowering in a corner so kick her swiftly up the backside in preparation for the oncoming battle.

  He entwines his fingers with mine and pulls me out of the car with a chuckle then leads us over to the door. Time flies so quickly that before I know it, we’re standing in front of his office, surrounded by five Dobermans, all of which are growling and prowling around the bottom of the door as if they’re about to tear something to shreds.

  “Does this mean he’s still in there?” I whisper out as they mill around my feet and then nuzzle their bodies along my bare legs. I freeze a little until one of them whimpers a bit and licks me, so I reach down and scratch him by the ear.

  “Well I handcuffed him, my dear, so I would assume so. And given that my beloveds are all still out here, it bodes reasonably well.”

  My eyebrows shoot upwards. How the hell did he get handcuffs on Alex? A quick flick of his wrist has all the dogs moving out of the way and sitting in a line like soldiers waiting for command, apart for the one who’s still nuzzling me. Pascal looks down at it in puzzlement. “I think it’s quite telling that the most ferocious and ill-tempered dog I have is trying to bond with you. He’s normally quite the cantankerous little thing.”

  “Ferocious? Hmm... seems like a puppy to me,” I reply as I drop down and go nose to nose with him with a small giggle. He rolls onto the floor so I can pet his stomach.

  “You weaken even the hardest heart, it seems,” he says as he lifts my hand and opens the door. My new friend slips into the room in front of me and growls. Pascal barks out a laugh and nods me forward. “It appears you have a new protector. Do keep him with you. His name is Azaezal.”

  He turns and walks away from me, leaving me alone and staring at the entrance, wondering what the hell to say next. How about honesty? I think it’s high time we did honesty. I pull in a huge breath and try for confident as I stroll into the room as nonchalantly as possible in the hope that I look dominant. I’d love anger, but the thought that I might have humiliated him is not one that fills me with anger, only love. Azaezal is standing in front of the desk, quietly growling at it but I can’t see Alex anywhere. I scan the room again and find nothing so wander over to my new protector to find out what he’s snarling at and then I notice him sitting on the floor behind the desk.

  I inch my way around quietly and look down to see my beautiful man with his hands in his hair and a wooden arm rest broken off the chair hanging from the handcuffs. He was clearly not impressed at the handcuffs. My heart melts at the sight of him all dejected and lost, sitting there on the floor looking like that troubled little boy, his suit crumpled but still managing to look like the thousands it’s probably worth. I cautiously walk to the chair and push it away from him so I can sit and look at him while I try and find the right words to say first. Azaezal growls louder, walking over to my feet and sitting between us. Well at least I’m protected.

  His eyes focus on my shoes as I cross my legs and gaze down at him. He looks like he might have been crying. His eyes are bloodshot and his hair’s a mess, as though he’s been constantly running his fingers through it in frustration.

  “You run from me but you come back for him?” he rumbles in a very throaty voice as he stares at the dog and sneers at it. He’s jealous, great.

  “I came back for you,” I reply in my most forthright voice. He is absolutely not turning this on me.

  “You came back because he made you,” he says quietly, still staring at Azaezal as if he questions whether I actually wanted to come back at all. He’s right, I didn’t, but thankfully after Pascal’s strange enlightenment, we have a chance of making this better, of finding a way through this.

  “Yes, it was kind of him. He had things to say that I needed to hear, things that you should have told me about a long time ago, Alex. Were you ever going to be honest about this?” He closes his eyes and drops his head back onto the table with a thud.

  “So you could run from me quicker?” he replies with a sigh as if he’s resigned himself to the fact that I’m leaving him. I watch emotions cross his brow as he sits there, probably chastising himself for frightening me, and also telling himself that I’m too good for him anyway, that he doesn’t deserve me. He’s so wrong and I wish he could see it. I wish he could see past his father and all the crap that he had to endure so that he could believe in who he is today, the man that I know.

  “So I could make an informed decision about what I wanted and whether I could handle it.”

  He reaches up behind him with another sigh to grab a silver letter knife off the table and begins fiddling with it on the carpet, flipping it over in his hand as if he might t
hrow it at any moment, still with his eyes closed. Azaezal growls again. I assume he’s not all that amused by the apparent danger in Alex’s hands. I’m not entirely sure I am either.

  “It wasn’t supposed to happen. The fucking shit pushed me and I wasn’t prepared for my feelings.” And there they are, his feelings, haunting him and showing him that he’s not invincible no matter what he thinks about how irrelevant they are.

  “Well you clearly needed it, whatever it is. I mean, I know he’s good but I doubt he can control you completely,” I reply as I watch him slip the knife into the lock on the handcuffs and magically open them. Why he ripped the arm from the chair is unfathomable given his clear criminal ability. He tosses them onto the floor and stares down at them with a frown.

  “Did you fuck him?”

  Oh... I have no idea how much to tell him here. Rage could ensue quickly if I give the wrong answer I’m sure, and we didn’t actually do anything. I briefly wonder why we didn’t. Pascal could have easily kept going because I wasn’t exactly saying no at the time, was I? Maybe he meant what he said about “as and when I agree.”

  “Did you want me to?” Good call, turn it back on him and think more about it later.

  “No,” he replies instantly with a snarl as his eyes meet mine for the first time. They’re laced with undiluted fury at the thought. I smile over at him and try to ease his tension on the matter. There’s only one man I currently want anywhere near the inside of me and it’s not Pascal.

  “Good job he was just trying to show me something then. I’m not sure I would have had much choice in the matter had he decided otherwise.”

  Another sneer lets me know exactly how he feels about that statement. I’m pretty certain the psycho outside will be relishing the aftermath should it actually happen. His dog is just as bad because he’s now up and moving steadily closer to Alex with his head dropped. Clearly the man scares dogs, too. I’m really not that surprised.