This Is How You Lose Her

by Junot Díaz

  I hope so, Mami said.

  My mother was not a woman easily cowed, but in the States she let my father roll over her. If he said he had to be at work for two days straight, she said OK and cooked enough moro to last him. She was depressed and sad and missed her father and her friends, our neighbors. Everyone had warned her that the U.S. was a difficult place where even the Devil got his ass beat, but no one had told her that she would have to spend the rest of her natural life snowbound with her children. She wrote letter after letter home, begging her sisters to come as soon as possible. This neighborhood is empty and friendless. And she begged my father to bring his friends over. She wanted to talk about unimportant matters, to speak to someone who wasn’t her child or her spouse.

  None of you are ready for guests, Papi said. Look at this house. Look at your children. Me da vergüenza to see them slouching around like that.

  You can’t complain about this apartment. All I do is clean it.

  What about your sons?

  My mother looked over at me and then at Rafa. I put one shoe over the other. After that, she had Rafa keep after me about my shoelaces. When we heard our father’s van arriving in the parking lot, Mami called us over for a quick inspection. Hair, teeth, hands, feet. If anything was wrong she’d hide us in the bathroom until it was fixed. Her dinners grew elaborate. She even changed the TV for Papi without calling him a zángano.

  OK, he said finally. Maybe it can work.

  It doesn’t have to be anything big, Mami said.

  Two Fridays in a row he brought a friend over for dinner and Mami put on her best polyester jumpsuit and got us spiffy in our red pants, thick white belts, and amaranth-blue Chams shirts. Seeing her asthmatic with excitement made us hopeful too that our world was about to change for the better, but these were awkward dinners. The men were bachelors and divided their time between talking to Papi and eyeing Mami’s ass. Papi seemed to enjoy their company but Mami spent her time on her feet, hustling food to the table, opening beers, and changing the channel. She started out each night natural and unreserved, with a face that scowled as easily as it grinned, but as the men loosened their belts and aired out their toes and talked their talk, she withdrew; her expressions narrowed until all that remained was a tight, guarded smile that seemed to drift across the room the way a shadow drifts slowly across a wall. We kids were ignored for the most part, except once, when the first man, Miguel, asked, Can you two box as well as your father?

  They’re fine fighters, Papi said.

  Your father is very fast. Has good hand speed. Miguel leaned in. I saw him finish this one gringo, beat him until he was squealing.

  Miguel had brought a bottle of Bermúdez rum; he and my father were drunk.

  It’s time you go to your room, Mami said, touching my shoulder.

  Why? I asked. All we do is sit there.

  That’s how I feel about my home, Miguel said.

  Mami’s glare cut me in half. Shut your mouth, she said, shoving us toward our room. We sat, as predicted, and listened. On both visits, the men ate their fill, congratulated Mami on her cooking, Papi on his sons, and then stayed about an hour for propriety’s sake. Cigarettes, dominos, gossip, and then the inevitable, Well, I have to get going. We have work tomorrow. You know how that is.

  Of course I do. What else do we Dominicans know?

  Afterward, Mami cleaned the pans quietly in the kitchen, scraping at the roasted pig flesh, while Papi sat out on our front porch in his short sleeves; he seemed to have grown impervious to the cold these last five years. When he came inside, he showered and pulled on his overalls. I have to work tonight, he said.

  Mami stopped scratching at the pans with a spoon. You should find yourself a more regular job.

  Papi shrugged. If you think jobs are easy to find, you go get one.

  As soon as he left, Mami ripped the needle from the album and interrupted Felix del Rosario. We heard her in the closet, pulling on her coat and her boots.

  Do you think she’s leaving us? I asked.

  Rafa wrinkled his brow. Maybe, he said.

  When we heard the front door open, we let ourselves out of our room and found the apartment empty.

  We better go after her, I said.

  Rafa stopped at the door. Let’s give her a minute, he said.

  What’s wrong with you?

  We’ll wait two minutes, he said.

  One, I said loudly. He pressed his face against the glass patio door. We were about to hit the door when she returned, panting, an envelope of cold around her.

  Where did you go? I asked.

  I went for a walk. She dropped her coat at the door; her face was red from the cold and she was breathing deeply, as if she’d sprinted the last thirty steps.

  Where?

  Just around the corner.

  Why the hell did you do that?

  She started to cry, and when Rafa put his hand on her waist, she slapped it away. We went back to our room.

  I think she’s losing it, I said.

  She’s just lonely, Rafa said.

  —

  THE NIGHT BEFORE THE SNOWSTORM I heard the wind at our window. I woke up the next morning, freezing. Mami was fiddling with the thermostat; we could hear the gurgle of water in the pipes but the apartment didn’t get much warmer.

  Just go play, Mami said. That will keep your mind off it.

  Is it broken?

  I don’t know. She looked at the knob dubiously. Maybe it’s slow this morning.

  None of the gringos were outside playing. We sat by the window and waited for them. In the afternoon my father called from work; I could hear the forklifts when I answered.

  Rafa?

  No, it’s me.

  Get your mother.

  We got a big storm on the way, he explained to her—even from where I was standing I could hear his voice. There’s no way I can get out to see you. It’s gonna be bad. Maybe I’ll get there tomorrow.

  What should I do?

  Just keep indoors. And fill the tub with water.

  Where are you sleeping? Mami asked.

  At a friend’s.

  She turned her face from us. OK, she said. When she got off the phone she sat in front of the TV. She could see I was going to pester her about Papi; she told me, Just watch your show.

  Radio WADO recommended spare blankets, water, flashlights, and food. We had none of these things. What happens if we get buried? I asked. Will we die? Will they have to save us in boats?

  I don’t know, Rafa said. I don’t know anything about snow. I was spooking him. He went over to the window and peered out.

  We’ll be fine, Mami said. As long as we’re warm. She went over and raised the heat again.

  But what if we get buried?

  You can’t have that much snow.

  How do you know?

  Because twelve inches isn’t going to bury anybody, even a pain in the ass like you.

  I went out on the porch and watched the first snow begin to fall like finely sifted ash. If we die, Papi’s going to feel bad, I said.

  Mami turned away and laughed.

  Four inches fell in an hour and the snow kept falling.

  Mami waited until we were in bed, but I heard the door and woke Rafa. She’s at it again, I said.

  Outside?

  Yes.

  He put on his boots grimly. He paused at the door and then looked back at the empty apartment. Let’s go, he said.

  She was standing on the edge of the parking lot, ready to cross Westminster. The apartment lamps glared on the frozen ground and our breath was white in the night air. The snow was gusting.

  Go home, she said.

  We didn’t move.

  Did you at least lock the front door? she aske
d.

  Rafa shook his head.

  It’s too cold for thieves anyway, I said.

  Mami smiled and nearly slipped on the sidewalk. I’m not good at walking on this vaina.

  I’m real good, I said. Just hold on to me.

  We crossed Westminster. The cars were moving very slowly and the wind was loud and full of snow.

  This isn’t too bad, I said. These people should see a hurricane.

  Where should we go? Rafa asked. He was blinking a lot to keep the snow out of his eyes.

  Go straight, Mami said. That way we don’t get lost.

  We should mark the ice.

  She put her hands around us both. It’s easier if we go straight.

  We went down to the edge of the apartments and looked out over the landfill, a misshapen, shadowy mound that abutted the Raritan. Rubbish fires burned all over it like sores and the dump trucks and bulldozers slept quietly and reverently at its base. It smelled like something the river had tossed out from its floor, something moist and heaving. We found the basketball courts next and the pool, empty of water, and Parkwood, the next neighborhood over, which was all moved in and full of kids.

  We even saw the ocean, up there at the top of Westminster, like the blade of a long, curved knife. Mami was crying but we pretended not to notice. We threw snowballs at the sliding cars and once I removed my cap just to feel the snowflakes scatter across my cold, hard scalp.

  1

  Years later you would wonder if it hadn’t been for your brother would you have done it? You remember how all the other guys had hated on her—how skinny she was, no culo, no titties, como un palito but your brother didn’t care. I’d fuck her.

  You’d fuck anything, someone jeered.

  And he had given that someone the eye. You make that sound like it’s a bad thing.

  2

  Your brother. Dead now a year and sometimes you still feel a fulgurating sadness over it even though he really was a super asshole at the end. He didn’t die easy at all. Those last months he just steady kept trying to run away. They would catch him trying to hail a cab outside of Beth Israel or walking down some Newark street in his greens. Once he conned an ex-girlfriend into driving him to California but outside of Camden he started having convulsions and she called you in a panic. Was it some atavistic impulse to die alone, out of sight? Or was he just trying to fulfill something that had always been inside of him? Why are you doing that? you asked but he just laughed. Doing what?

  In those last weeks when he finally became too feeble to run away he refused to talk to you or your mother. Didn’t utter a single word until he died. Your mother did not care. She loved him and prayed over him and talked to him like he was still OK. But it wounded you, that stubborn silence. His last fucking days and he wouldn’t say a word. You’d ask him something straight up, How are you feeling today, and Rafa would just turn his head. Like you all didn’t deserve an answer. Like no one did.

  3

  You were at the age where you could fall in love with a girl over an expression, over a gesture. That’s what happened with your girlfriend, Paloma—she stooped to pick up her purse and your heart flew out of you.

  That’s what happened with Miss Lora, too.

  It was 1985. You were sixteen years old and you were messed up and alone like a motherfucker. You also were convinced—like totally utterly convinced—that the world was going to blow itself to pieces. Almost every night you had nightmares that made the ones the president was having in Dreamscape look like pussyplay. In your dreams the bombs were always going off, evaporating you while you walked, while you ate a chicken wing, while you took the bus to school, while you fucked Paloma. You would wake up biting your own tongue in terror, the blood dribbling down your chin.

  Someone really should have medicated you.

  Paloma thought you were being ridiculous. She didn’t want to hear about Mutual Assured Destruction, The Late Great Planet Earth, We begin bombing in five minutes, SALT II, The Day After, Threads, Red Dawn, WarGames, Gamma World, any of it. She called you Mr. Depressing. And she didn’t need any more depressing than she had already. She lived in a one-bedroom apartment with four younger siblings and a disabled mom and she was taking care of all of them. That and honors classes. She didn’t have time for anything and mostly stayed with you, you suspected, because she felt bad for what had happened with your brother. It’s not like you ever spent much time together or had sex or anything. Only Puerto Rican girl on the earth who wouldn’t give up the ass for any reason. I can’t, she said. I can’t make any mistakes. Why is sex with me a mistake, you demanded, but she just shook her head, pulled your hand out of her pants. Paloma was convinced that if she made any mistakes in the next two years, any mistakes at all, she would be stuck in that family of hers forever. That was her nightmare. Imagine if I don’t get in anywhere, she said. You’d still have me, you tried to reassure her, but Paloma looked at you like the apocalypse would be preferable.

  So you talked about the Coming Doomsday to whoever would listen—to your history teacher, who claimed he was building a survival cabin in the Poconos, to your boy who was stationed in Panama (in those days you still wrote letters), to your around-the-corner neighbor, Miss Lora. That was what connected you two at first. She listened. Better still, she had read Alas, Babylon and had seen part of The Day After, and both had scared her monga.

  The Day After wasn’t scary, you complained. It was crap. You can’t survive an airburst by ducking under a dashboard.

  Maybe it was a miracle, she said, playing.

  A miracle? That was just dumbness. What you need to see is Threads. Now that is some real shit.

  I probably wouldn’t be able to stand it, she said. And then she put her hand on your shoulder.

  People always touched you. You were used to it. You were an amateur weightlifter, something else you did to keep your mind off the shit of your life. You must have had a mutant gene somewhere in the DNA, because all the lifting had turned you into a goddamn circus freak. Most of the time it didn’t bother you, the way girls and sometimes guys felt you up. But with Miss Lora you could tell something was different.

  Miss Lora touched you and you suddenly looked up and noticed how large her eyes were on her thin face, how long her lashes were, how one iris had more bronze in it than the other.

  4

  Of course you knew her; she was your neighbor, taught over at Sayreville HS. But it was only in the past months that she snapped into focus. There were a lot of these middle-aged single types in the neighborhood, shipwrecked by every kind of catastrophe, but she was one of the few who didn’t have children, who lived alone, who was still kinda young. Something must have happened, your mother speculated. In her mind a woman with no child could only be explained by vast untrammeled calamity.

  Maybe she just doesn’t like children.

  Nobody likes children, your mother assured you. That doesn’t mean you don’t have them.

  Miss Lora wasn’t nothing exciting. There were about a thousand viejas in the neighborhood way hotter, like Mrs. del Orbe, whom your brother had fucked silly until her husband found out and moved the whole family away. Miss Lora was too skinny. Had no hips whatsoever. No breasts, either, no ass, even her hair failed to make the grade. She had her eyes, sure, but what she was most famous for in the neighborhood were her muscles. Not that she had huge ones like you—chick was just wiry like a motherfucker, every single fiber standing out in outlandish definition. Bitch made Iggy Pop look chub, and every summer she caused a serious commotion at the pool. Always a bikini despite her curvelessness, the top stretching over these corded pectorals and the bottom cupping a rippling fan of haunch muscles. Always swimming underwater, the black waves of her hair flowing behind her like a school of eel. Always tanning herself (which none of the other women did) into the deep lacquered walnut of an old shoe. That woman needs t
o keep her clothes on, the mothers complained. She’s like a plastic bag full of worms. But who could take their eyes off her? Not you or your brother. The kids would ask her, Are you a bodybuilder, Miss Lora? and she would shake her head behind her paperback. Sorry, guys, I was just born this way.

  After your brother died she came over to the apartment a couple of times. She and your mother shared a common place, La Vega, where Miss Lora had been born and where your mother had recuperated after the Guerra Civil. One full year living just behind the Casa Amarilla had made a vegana out of your mother. I still hear the Río Camú in my dreams, your mother said. Miss Lora nodded. I saw Juan Bosch once on our street when I was very young. They sat and talked about it to death. Every now and then she stopped you in the parking lot. How are you doing? How is your mother? And you never knew what to say. Your tongue was always swollen, raw, from being blown to atoms in your sleep.

  5

  Today you come back from a run to find her on the stoop, talking to la Doña. Your mother calls you. Say hello to the profesora.

  I’m sweaty, you protest.

  Your mother flares. Who in carajo do you think you’re talking to? Say hello, coño, to la profesora.

  Hello, profesora.

  Hello, student.

  She laughs and turns back to your mother’s conversation.

  You don’t know why you’re so furious all of a sudden.

  I could curl you, you say to her, flexing your arm.

  And Miss Lora looks at you with a ridiculous grin. What in the world are you talking about? I’m the one who could pick you up.

  She puts her hands on your waist and pretends to make the effort.

  Your mother laughs thinly. But you can feel her watching the both of you.

  6

  When your mother had confronted your brother about Mrs. del Orbe he didn’t deny it. What do you want, Ma? Se metío por mis ojos.

  Por mis ojos my ass, she had said. Tú te metiste por su culo.