As her father takes a swig from a hidden pitcher of his mom’s fresh ginger-ale, and calls out, “I do something wrong?” with a smirk that sends everyone into hysterics, Samantha rejoins me and unwittingly sends Ryder away to give us alone-time.
“I can’t believe he did that,” she laughs about her dad as she tucks soft, blonde hair behind her ear. “Nobody saw him hide it! At least he can’t take Grandma’s chili — it’s too big!”
My smile is filled with private things as I ask, “You like Caden’s girlfriend?”
“He wouldn’t have picked her if she wasn’t special.” Her eyelashes flutter up. “Are you having fun in New York, Logan? Is it everything we thought it would be?”
My lungs twist into a pretzel as I gaze into the sweet brown eyes I miss so much. “Yeah, it is.”
She nods to the grass under our feet. “Not everyone is made for fame.”
“You could have gone all the way, Sam.” I touch her hand, which is more than I’ve ever done at one of these. “You still could. The girl who replaced you isn’t great. She’s not you.”
She shakes her head once, just a tiny motion. “That’s sweet of you to say. It’s not the life I want.”
That statement is so final that I stare at her, every hope I had of convincing her to come, evaporating. I hadn’t realized it until this second, but that’s why I came. It was to get her to change her mind.
My voice is thick with the knowledge that we are at a crossroads. “What life do you want?”
Her smile peeks out but there’s sadness underneath it. “A simple one, I guess. I just want to be happy.”
“I thought I would hate her!” Lexi announces, walking up with authority, Zoe coming to stand by her side. “But she seems alright. I’m just pissed because…you know.”
“Where’d Ryder go?”
“Oh, Zoe, learn the art of subtlety, would you?”
Samantha smiles, “Lexi…”
“What?! I know I’m not subtle! That’s the difference! Logan, how long are you here for?”
“Just the day. Fly back tomorrow.”
“Where are you staying? You got rid of your apartment, right?”
“I did, yeah.” Samantha and I exchange a look. Without a lease there are no roots. “I’m staying at a friend’s. Do you remember Connor?”
“No.”
“Good guy.”
“Cool. Are you coming to our place later?” At my silence she leans in like it’s the most obvious suggestion ever. “When is the next time we’re going to see you?”
Zoe hints, “Maybe he wants to sleep well before his flight.”
“Fuck that!” laughs Lexi. “He can sleep when he’s dead.”
“People have been saying that for too long. It’s morbid.”
“Is it? Or is it a fact?”
The cousins stare at each other, the winner decided before the argument began. Zoe locks eyes with me like she understands I need to get away from Samantha.
But I don’t want to.
Ever.
“Sure, I’ll come over.”
Lexi claps, “Great!” and heads for food. “I’m starving!”
Sam nervously tucks her hair back again and smiles, “Excuse me.”
Zoe and I are suddenly alone, so Ryder returns from seeing his uncle’s new daughter, Isabella. His dark eyes bounce from Zoe to me so casually I can’t tell if he knows how she worships him. The guy is a stud, and carries himself like the high-class mother who raised him. I don’t see Jen here, but I heard she’s in a happy relationship for the first time in years.
“Did I hear you’re going to House Three later?” he asks me.
“House Three?”
A smirk tugs as he motions to Zoe. “The house where three of the most beautiful women in Atlanta live.”
This statement makes her glow like someone just began a soundtrack and a wind machine blew her hair back. Zoe Cocker isn’t like anyone I’ve ever met. If wood nymphs were real, she’d be one.
I haven’t answered the question, so he asks again. “You going over there?”
Before I have a chance to say, Zoe offers, “Did you want to come over?”
He locks eyes with her. “Sure.”
It’s like I’m not here. My mouth slackens and I step back, pointing at the buffet table. “I’m uh…going to find Sam.”
Chapter Thirty-One
LOGAN
T he coffee table is littered with an abandoned board game and beer bottles.
Lexi can’t stop checking her phone. “Unbelievable,” she keeps muttering under her breath.
Ryder is engrossed in telling a story about snow-skiing in Nevada. “The beginner slopes are at the top, Zoe. You would love it because they go on for days and it’s like you’re flying. Most other resorts have beginner slopes where the hill just ends after about two seconds and then you have to go back up, which makes it boring.”
“I guess that would be pretty boring,” she offers, but she’d agree with anything he said.
Samantha glances to her sister. “He’s not coming?”
“He hasn’t returned the last text. I assumed he would be here, to surprise me or whatever, but apparently not.” Lexi reaches for a potato chip, crunching loudly as she glares at the phone like Brad is in it, flipping her off.
Oblivious, Zoe asks Ryder, “How many times have you been?”
“Countless. Jimmy and I would make the drive every weekend in the winters. Some of our other friends came along sometimes, but he and I went every single weekend.”
“I bet you miss him.”
“He just got engaged. I’ll be going back for the wedding.”
Samantha tells Lexi, “He might still show.”
“Brad loves to get a rise out of me. I’m going to pretend like it doesn’t, and the next time I talk to him I will act as if this conversation never happened.”
It’s nearing midnight. I clear my throat. “I have to go. We have a show tomorrow night.” Setting my empty bottle down, I mutter, “Shouldn’t have had this beer.”
Ryder stands up and stretches. “I’ll walk out with you.”
Zoe holds her disappointed tongue as he walks to his jacket. Samantha and Lexi rise up to give me hugs. This prompts Zoe to stand, and she smooths her hair while her pretty green eyes dart around like she wishes she could stop time and go back to where he was sitting with her, telling her stories all night, and pretty much just talking to solely her. Poor thing. I know exactly how she feels.
As we head for the door, Lexi says, “Maybe we’ll come up to New York and visit you. I’ve never seen a show on Broadway before.”
It would kill Sam to see the show she was supposed to be in, from the audience. Knowing this, I give a halfhearted nod. “You guys are welcome anytime.” My eyes lock with Samantha’s.
Zoe hugs me. “Fly high, Logan.”
“I will, Zo.”
She turns to hug her crush. He lifts her off the ground with a big squeeze that makes her laugh. I follow him out the door and reach to shut it, but find Samantha is coming with us. “I’ll walk you to your car.”
“I don’t have one.”
“Oh.”
Ryder looks over his shoulder. “I’m driving him home. Or to his friend’s place. You know what I mean.” His casual manner vanishes as he notices discomfort on our faces. “I’ll go wait in my car.” He jogs his thumb behind him and quickens his strides away.
The front of her apartment building is well landscaped, with large potted plants dotting the sidewalk. We stand by one and she leans against it as a streetlamp illuminates her almond-brown eyes. “It means a lot to me that you came down for this.”
“Does it?”
Knowing what I’m asking, she whispers, “Logan…”
“Forget it, Sam. I don’t know why I’m fishing in an empty lake.”
“Don’t put it like that,” she whispers. “This isn’t empty.”
“Are you trying to tell me something?”
I se
arch the struggle in her eyes. She’s biting her lips, and I drop my gaze to stare at them, wishing I were those teeth. Every cell in my body is reaching out to this friend I’ve known all my life, thinking that if we would just touch then it would all make sense.
“Logan.” Her eyes briefly close. No words will come. She looks tortured, but no one is more tortured than I.
I step closer, take her chin in my hand, my voice thick. “Please don’t give me hope if there isn’t any. I told you I love you. I saw it in your eyes then that you didn’t feel the same way. If you suddenly do now, does that mean you always did? Because I would leave the show and come back to Atlanta if you just said the word.” I lean a little closer so that I can breathe her in, feel the heat from her skin, waiting for her to stop me, push me away. But she doesn’t move. So I brush my lips against hers for the first time in our lives. Samantha’s breath hitches and desire wells up in my groin. Taking a chance, I kiss her, surprised as she responds. She feels like home, but just as I’m about to take this deeper she touches my chest and pushes us apart.
“Stop, I can’t. It’s not right.”
This pain coursing through me is unimaginable. I thought I ached for her before, but now? I’m staring at the love of my life, knowing this has to be the last time I see her. “Goodbye Sam.”
I turn away to find Ryder tapping the steering wheel, engine running.
She calls after me, “Mondays?”
Shaking my hand I keep my gaze locked on my escape plan.
But I hear footsteps chasing me down. Samantha runs in front of me, grabs my arms. “Logan, please don’t leave like this.”
“I have a flight to catch in the morning.”
“I know, but I can’t let you leave here until you promise me that we will still talk to each other every Monday. Promise me!”
My throat is tight, corners of my eyes burning. “Sam.”
“Please!”
“No. I can’t do that.”
“If you love me, then you can’t erase me like this. That’s not what love is.”
“How would you know?”
Tears jump to my eyes, too. “Don’t be cruel to me, Logan!”
“Sam, let me go.”
“Promise me we will still talk on Mondays.”
“I can’t.”
Can’t say no to you.
Can’t stop loving you.
Can’t have you.
She hugs me, burrowing into my chest. “Please don’t do this. I need you in my life. Please don’t leave me like this. Promise me every Monday you’ll call!”
My throat is so dry I can hardly say it. “Make it once a month.”
“That will be too easy to let it go.”
With sarcasm I laugh, “You’re not easy to let go of.”
She pulls back, searches my eyes and touches my chest right over my broken heart. “Every Monday I’m going to call you. Please pick up. Promise!”
I stare at her, wishing for so many things. “Okay.”
Samantha Cocker releases me, and walks back home.
Chapter Thirty-Two
SAMANTHA
L exi slams the door, “I really need to quit that job,” and throws her bag onto our coffee table as I come in from the kitchen with a smoothie in my hand. “I know I’m supposed to like yoga, but I don’t. I’ve been working for Paige for a long time, and I love that woman, I do! But the utter and complete calm of the entire practice drives me absolutely bonkers.” She picks up Sally, sitting down on the couch with us. “It’s not like dancing. But so close, right? Is that crazy? Am I being supersensitive?”
I take a sip of carrot-ginger, adjust myself to get a little bit more comfortable, and ask, “Do you want me to tell you what I think?”
Lexi stares at me a beat. “Of course!”
“You tell me about a lot of things that you don’t want to hear my opinion on.”
Sally squirms out of her hands to see if there’s anything new in her food bowl. There isn’t, but she’s an optimist.
Lexi gapes at me. “I always want to know your opinion.”
I gently say, “Sometimes you kind of just like to talk.”
“That is so rude!” We stare at each other and her shoulders relax. “Do I really do that?” Waving her hand, she says, “Don’t answer.”
I offer her my beverage. “Want some?”
Scrunching her nose, she shakes her head and kicks off flip-flops. “I want to hear your opinion.”
“I was going to say that whenever you want out of something, you look for reasons why you don’t fit in there. And then that gives you the excuse to just follow your heart. If you just gave yourself permission to be happy, you wouldn’t need the disclaimers.”
Lexi tilts her head. “Wow, that’s pretty insightful. Are there any other things about me I should know about?
Taking a sip, I consider this. “Just one.”
She shifts her weight, saying a slow, “I’m listening.”
I could tell her that Brad is an asshole who doesn’t deserve her and it hurts me every time she plays his stupid games and even creates some of her own. “I love you.”
Lexi lunges to give me a hug while I hold my smoothie away so it doesn’t spill. “I love you, too.”
I left my phone on the coffee table so I could call Logan, so when it rings and his name lights up the screen, I freak out. “Oh my God, he’s calling me!” Snatching it, I stare at the thing like it’s a miracle, which it kind of is. “This is the first time he’s called me first in over three months since he left! This is huge! You know how huge this is?”
Lexi smirks, “Are you going to answer it?”
“Oh!” I leap off the couch. “Logan, are you there?”
He sounds relieved. “I’m here. I catch you in the middle of something?”
“I was talking to Lexi in the other room and didn’t hear my phone. How was your weekend? How were the performances? Did you have fun? What’s the craziest thing that happened?”
With a laugh he points out, “You sound like you had five cups of coffee.”
With a huge grin I roll my eyes to Lexi who is shaking her head at me. “I guess it was because I just ran into the room. I heard a noise. Turns out it was my phone. I don’t know.”
“The craziest thing that happened this weekend is that we learned we’re going on the road. Starting with Frankfurt. Can you believe it, Sam? Germany!” My happiness goes hollow as he continues, “We heard the rumor we’d be extended, like I told you last Monday, remember? But what Galloway didn’t tell us was that it wouldn’t be in New York. Nobody in our loft has been to Germany, Sam! I looked at pictures of Frankfurt and it looks so cool I can’t even believe my luck. The guys and I celebrated all night long!”
“That’s amazing. How long will you be there?”
“Six months to start. We might travel from there if we get booked in different countries. I’m just learning how this works, and every one is different, but some of the theaters will hire acts to bring in new blood just for a weekend.”
I lean against the wall and cover my face. “Six months?”
He pauses. “You okay?”
Dropping my hand I force a smile. “I’m great. I was just wondering how we’re going to do our phone calls.”
“I looked into it already. There’s a free app you can use when you’re overseas.”
My heart skips. “You looked it up?”
“Yeah.”
“Because you want to keep up the phone calls?”
“Because I want to keep talking to you, Sam.”
The tone in his voice turned me around and I lay my forehead against the wall, closing my eyes. “That would make me really happy.”
“We promised, didn’t we?”
I don’t have the ability to speak. I felt like I was doing the heavy lifting, always the one to dial him. This little show of how much he cares tears me up inside. In the best way. And maybe the worst, too.
The voices of his roommates get loude
r as they approach, calling his name and saying things like, “Germany, motherfuckers!” “That’s right, I’m going to get my lederhosen on!” “No shows until Wednesday!” “Let’s light this up!”
Logan laughs, “Sam, I’ve got to go.”
“Yeah Sam, he’s got to go! To Frankfurt! To dance his German-loving ass off!”
“Talk next Monday,” he casually says before hanging up.
I’m standing here with my face against the wall. From where she sits on the couch watching me, Lexi asks, “The show is traveling?”
I turn around, hand dropping to my side as I stare at my big sister. “Yep pretty exciting.”
“You look overjoyed.”
“And happy for him,” I sarcastically add. “I bet I look really happy for Logan.”
She pats the cushion. I trudge over and flop down. “I have worse news.”
Lifting an eyebrow, I ask, “What?”
“I drank your smoothie.” She offers a weak smile at her weak joke. “Are you sorry you didn’t continue on with the production, Sam? Because if it were me, I would be dying right about now.”
I have to think about it. “No, I don’t want to do what he’s doing. Is it weird that I like staying in Atlanta?”
“Maybe. But not everybody wants that flashy lifestyle. Look at Zoe. Can you imagine her with a huge audience staring at her? That would be a nightmare, not a dream. We all have different things that we want, Sam, and I think that’s what makes the world go round. If we all wanted the exact same thing, can you imagine? Chaos. Bloodshed. No more ice cream left anywhere.” I laugh, and she smiles. “But if you don’t want to go on the road with the glamorous production like you always thought that you did, then why do you look so sad? Are you in love with Logan?” Lexi leans forward as if that will help her see into my heart. “Do you even know?”
“I just miss him.” Standing up, I lift my empty glass to carry it into the kitchen. “This is the longest I haven’t seen him. And it’s going to get longer. Isn’t that enough?”
As I walk away I don’t hear her whisper, “Wake up, Sammy.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
SAMANTHA
Samantha Cocker (Cocker Brothers Book 21) Page 12
