by Bloom, Anna
“You should. I’d rather he was dead then walking around.”
“Dan, you don’t have to protect me anymore. I’m a big girl. I’m getting married.”
My words are harsh, but they are needed.
“I know you are getting married, Faith. It kills me every damn day.”
“Can we focus for a moment on who the fuck has made a statement against my claims. It can’t be his friends, that wouldn’t be taken seriously.”
We both sit in silence for a moment. I watch the clock ticking on the mantelpiece over the large fireplace. The fireplace we haven’t even used yet. I’ve a dinner to get to. It’s the very last thing I want to do, but I have to. I can’t fail.
“It was my dad.” I know it in my heart. “The last time I spoke to him I tried to talk to him about it. He said some pretty shitty things that no dad should ever say, then he asked for money.”
“Bastard.” Dan’s hands clench into fists and I notice again the bruises across his knuckles. “I hate him. I want to kill him.”
“Which one?” I laugh wryly.
“Both of them. All of them.”
Sienna comes back interrupting us. “Reggie said he will be on the case as soon as he can. He’s planning on the first train to Brighton. He’ll kick up a stink, I can assure you, Faith. The amount of money he’s being paid, he needs to.” She stops talking, her eyes wide.
“What do you mean how much he’s being paid?”
“Nothing. Nothing. Listen I’ve got to shoot off, for once I have the evening to myself and I plan to have a long bath and a glass of Prosecco.”
Dan leers at her. God, he’s such a moron.
“Thanks for coming. I’ll make sure Eli gets the files.”
She nods and I see her to the big front door. “Everything will be okay, Faith.”
“Will it?”
“Eli loves you. You drive him crazy, that’s half of the problem.”
“Come back tomorrow. I’ll be in a better frame of mind and hopefully Eli will be here.” I want to tell her we might have news to tell her, but I don’t.
“Sure thing. Enjoy the gala dinner tonight. And don’t worry about your case, Reggie will sort it.” She doesn’t have to add that Eli will pay whatever it takes for justice to be done.
I walk back in to the sitting room and find Dan glaring at the ceiling, his toes tapping on the arm of the expensive sofa.
“Can you please try to behave if Eli comes back tomorrow? I want you here, I want to know you’re okay, but where Eli is concerned you are a major bone of contention.”
He turns and smirks. Why the hell have I had him around all these years? I know why; it’s because he’s saved me more times than I can count and no matter how annoying he is I will never forget.
I grab the files Sienna brought over and head up to the bedroom. It’s horrible and empty without Eli. I hate every moment of being by myself here.
I text him.
Problems with the case. Police are dropping it. I wish you were here.
I’m not expecting a response, so I go and get showered, then dressed into a cute little black dress with a skater A-line skirt.
My phone beeps as I clasp my black onyx heart around my neck. I’ve already slipped on the black diamond. I want to be as close as possible to Eli tonight whether he is on a different continent or not.
I’ll be back tomorrow. X
Well I got a kiss, so that’s something.
I sit on the bed and open the files. It’s a thoughtless act, my fingers just fiddling. I frown at the top page, a parish registry record. My father’s name is on there, along with a Sarah Myers.
Sarah. My mother’s name. That’s all I really know about her. I stare at the document.
Eli was trying to find my mum.
How much money has he thrown at that?
I lift the document and look at it more. One day in a registry office my dad married a woman who then left. A woman who didn’t want me and left. I don’t think I’d want to know her anyway. I place my hand on my tummy. It’s still flat and I’m still waiting for the day when I will wake up and the fact there is a baby in there becomes real.
Right, dinner. I put the page back inside and leave it on Eli’s bedside table. He can have the facts he’s tried to find. I think I’ll be better off not knowing.
“Faith, you came.” Jennifer smiles at me over the edge of her champagne glass and leans closer, kissing my cheek. “I didn’t know you would be here.”
“Well, Elijah is out of town with work, so I’m trying to attend on his behalf.”
She watches me closely. "I heard a rumour you haven’t missed an event since the weekend. I thought you said it was time we all stopped bowing to my mother.”
I flush, but she chuckles and waves a hand at me. “I didn’t exactly say that; I just questioned why she had such a tight control.”
Jennifer smiles at a passing couple but thankfully doesn’t call them over. “If you could remake the Faircloughs, what would you have us do?”
“Something worthwhile.” I speak without thinking. “More for charity, more for art.”
“But we have the foundation, and you are going to be bringing all sorts of glamorous attention to that when you are on our TV show.”
“There are other more important things.” I sigh. I don’t want to fight. “I would maybe just relax the family, stop living by all these crazy rules. Let everyone love who they want to.”
“It sounds something my ex-husband would have advocated.”
“I would have liked to meet him. Eli said he was very artistic, and that’s where he gets it from.”
She nods, her face tightening a little. “He is, was, whatever the semantics is, but he doesn’t have Elijah’s talent.”
“See, this is what I mean. Eli is so talented he could have had a wonderful career but look where he is.”
“And you could have been a tattoo artist your whole life but look where you are because of the Faircloughs.”
She’s playing devil’s advocate. I’m almost entirely sure. “Ah, but I’d already taken myself to Uni. I was already on a mission of my own. Maybe I would never have been offered a TV show. Maybe I wouldn’t have a glass heart in the Tate. I don’t know.”
She smiles and it actually seems genuine. It’s actually pretty damn scary. “Maybe you would have. I spoke to Whitlocks; they said you haven’t given them anything in a while.”
“No.” I shake my head and take a sip of my orange juice. “The last few weeks have been busy.”
Jennifer leans closer and whispers in my ear. “You know I was pretty damn proud of how you managed moving day.”
I chuckle. “I wouldn’t have made it without my friend.”
“You have good friends. I see that.”
“I do. They’ve seen me through a lot.”
“I wonder what that sort of friendship would be like?”
Her statement takes me aback. “I’m available, if you want to find out?” I can’t believe I’ve just said that. Am I insane? I must be.
She smiles, but it’s tight and doesn’t meet her eyes. “Let’s go mingle, then we can get the hell out of here. You must be knackered.”
“I am. I’ll be glad when Eli is home tomorrow. I hate him being away.”
“Will you call me after the scan and let me know how you get on?”
I swallow hard. “Sure. I will.”
She smiles again and walks off. Right then, mingle.
It’s raining and cold. I left leaving the house to the last possible moment hoping that Eli would get home before I went to the clinic, but in the end, I had to go.
I’m getting out of a cab and heading up the steps to the clinic when I hear my name being called. I turn to find him running up behind me. My knees wobble at the sight of him.
“Faith.” He’s breathless. “The flight was late taking off, I’ve come straight from Heathrow.”
I nod despite the hammering in my chest. I don’t know what to say.
He walked away. He left me and hasn’t spoken to me in days.
“Dan is at our house. I want you to know because I don’t want to go into there.” I point at the clinic. “And have it weighing on my heart when I should be excitedly waiting to see our baby. I know you are going to be pissed off, and I’m sorry. But I couldn’t leave him. He tried to kill himself and no matter what you think about him and me, I can’t leave him out in the cold when he’s so broken.”
Eli steps closer and my breath catches in my throat making me wince. “I know.” His hands slide around my chest. “I’m sorry. I acted like a dick. I know I did and I’m sorry. I just hate the fact he knows everything about you and he’s the one you’ve turned to your whole life. It’s like he knows a whole side of you that I’ve never met.”
I shake my head, tears pooling in my eyes. “Eli, you don’t want to know the me of then. I want you to be the man who makes me what I am now. Who is by my side always, guiding me, supporting me when I need it. Going to godawful functions like the one I had to go to last night with your mother, with me.”
“You’ve been going to the engagements?”
“Yes. We haven’t missed one.”
“But why? I haven’t been to any yet, either. It’s why Gran is so cross with me. I don’t want to be the man who spends his evenings greeting people and shaking hands, talking shit.”
“Because I want you to know I’m fighting, that I’m invested.”
“But you still won’t tell me everything?”
“Eli, can we go in and see our baby?”
His eyes light with my words, the storm passing. “I missed you so much these last few days.”
“Next time you have to go away with business, can it not be when we’ve had a row?”
“Come on, we will miss our appointment.”
Dr Vernon goes through some simple questions. She has a midwife in there with her who takes what she calls our booking information. Sally will be our midwife the whole way through.
The whole way through the pregnancy… I still can’t believe it.
“Nice and easy for you, Faith. We can use the handheld ultrasound today.” Well that’s a plus, I guess. I try not to wince when she squirts the jelly on my skin. It’s cold, but at least it’s not going up my vagina. There is always a silver lining.
“Okay, let's see what’s going on in there.”
I watch the screen looking for a kidney bean or squished heart shape. I can’t see a damn thing. Where has it gone? Dr Vernon is deadly quiet and the whole room slips into desperate silence. My heart hammers in my chest. It’s all I can hear as she presses the handheld unit to my stomach trying to get a better angle.
There is something wrong.
Why isn’t she saying anything?
Eli holds my hand. His fingers squeezing mine.
“Right then, Faith.” Dr Vernon finally looks up. “So here is an arm, can you see?” She points at what I thought was the outside of my womb. “Head here, legs here. And here is the heart, beating away perfectly.”
I stare at the screen. There isn’t a lentil now or a kidney bean. There’s actually a proper baby with arms and legs and a head, all the things babies should have. It’s there, swimming away, its arms and legs moving a little.
I have nothing to say. Nothing.
A splatter of water falls onto my arm and I drag my gaze away from the screen, turning my attention to Eli. His eyes are bright and dazzling, swimming with intense emotion. Bending over me, he kisses my forehead. “I love you.”
“I love you.” Grasping his hand with all my might we turn back for the monitor and watch as Dr Vernon does all her measurements. Small arms move around, swimming inside me. A fierce burning sensation fills my chest, my heart aching with intensity. That small little form is living inside me, part Eli and part me.
Part of us.
Twenty-Four
“Are you coming back home or going to the office?”
I hate the hesitation running through my words.
He catches my hand, wheeling me around and into his space. “Home.” The tension I’ve been holding washes down through me, and my limbs ache with heaviness.
“Faith?” He steps closer, fingers tucking a strand of hair around my ears.
“I’m just tired.” I don’t need to tell him I haven’t slept without him, he knows it. His lips crimp into that straight line that is nothing like the Eli I love.
“I'm sorry.”
I shake my head. “I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry I can’t be like a normal woman and behave in the right ways.”
“Don’t ever apologise to me for who you are.”
An overwhelming darkness fills my vision. Who are you, Faith? I can’t even answer myself.
“Come, let's get you home.” He turns and signals for a black cab and helps me inside. I lean against him, my eyes shut. In my bag is the picture of my baby, the one I need to fight for.
I’ll fight, but I need to sleep first.
He ushers me in through the front door and I can sense the tension rolling off him in waves. “I need to call Fitzpatrick and find out what’s happening with the police in Brighton.” His keys clang into the bowl on the antique sideboard in the hallway. “Would you like me to organise you some tea and biscuits and bring them to bed?”
Organise tea and biscuits? Is he for real? Why does he sound so strange? I hate it. Tears prickle my eyes. “Sure.” I place my foot on the bottom step.
Everything is crashing around my head.
The court case.
Dan in bruises and covered in tubes.
Eli and the ocean of distance between us.
Destruction reigns free.
Endless and unrelenting.
“Faith,” He calls me back. The skin around his eyes is crinkled, worry lining his face. “I will make sure you get justice. Don’t worry about that.”
My shoulders slump. “What are you going to do, Eli? Throw money at it until the problem of my past goes away?”
“What? That’s unfair.” The blues open wide.
“Is it? How much are you paying Reggie?”
“That’s irrelevant.”
Why are we rowing again? Why can’t I let it go? I want to. My tongue tingles with a ‘nevermind'. But I can’t quite say it. Instead I sigh and say, “Sienna brought around some files you requested yesterday.”
His mouth opens in shock. “Faith, it’s not what you think.”
“Like you don’t think if you can find my mother it will help me?”
“No. I think if you find your mother it will give you a sense of knowing who you are.”
“I know who I am!” I screech. “Who the hell are you. Fucking Superman? Stop trying to save me all the time and work out what the fuck you want for yourself.”
His eyes flash, but I watch as his hands curl at his sides and then he releases them with a breath. “Faith, I don’t want to fight anymore.”
“Me neither.” I climb the stairs slowly, waiting for him to follow me and snuggle next to me on the bed, spooning me in the way only he can, but he doesn’t. I fall down on the mattress, pulling the ultrasound image out of my bag, staring at it, as I let dark sleep pull me down.
The ring of my phone wakes me and I scrub at my face trying to get my bearings. It’s only when I see the gaudy gold paint, I realise I’m in our bedroom by myself. Pulling my bag closer, I slide out my phone. Abi.
“Hey.” My voice is thick with sleep and I cough a little.
“Jeez, are you crying again?”
“No, sleeping.” I blink at the ceiling. “Please tell me this sleepy stage gets better and not worse.”
“It gets better, remember, you are nearly through it now.”
“So says you.”
She laughs but it sounds forced. “I’m the one in the know.”
“What’s the matter?”
“Faith?” I sit up a little straighter at the way she says my name and nearly jump out of my skin when I find Dan sitting on the armchair i
n the corner of the bedroom. In his hand is my scan picture. I glare at him. How dare he? “Faith, have you seen the papers?”
“What?” I can’t focus on Abi. I can only see Dan’s broken expression. “What are you talking about?”
“The Sun has a piece about you.”
“I’m sorry, what? To do with the show?”
“No.” She pauses. “It’s about the woman marrying into the Fairclough family—distant cousins of the Queen—involved in an abuse scandal.”
My heart accelerates, thrumming and banging painfully in my chest. Footsteps run up the stairs echoing in the hallway outside the bedroom.
“Abi, I’ve got to go.” I hang up straightaway, my gaze finding Dan’s. “You need to give me that back right now.”
His expression is as black as night. “I feel like this might be the final sign you will never be mine.”
I leap off the bed. I know Eli is outside the door. He wants to know I’m okay. The whole world now knows about my abuse.
“Dan, I was never yours anyway. Please can I have my picture back?”
“But you love me though.”
Shit, I want to die.
“I love you, but not like that; not the way a man and woman are supposed to.” My legs are shaking. I can’t take much more. “Dan, please. Why are you making this so hard?”
“Because I’ve spent my whole life checking on you. Fighting for you.”
“I know.” My tears sting. I am so over crying. “And I will never be able to thank you, but you have to let me go now. Please.”
“I’ll never forgive myself for letting him get to you.”
Who is he talking about? Eli? It’s only a split moment before I know he’s talking about Aiden. When will we all stop talking about that bastard? When will this be over?
“It’s not your fault, Dan. It never was.”
His gaze falls to the image on the black and white printout. His fingers are shaking, the veins in his arms bulging out from under his skin. For a sickening moment, I think he’s going to crush the image of my baby. My stomach lurches. Then a tear rolls down his cheek, falling and splattering onto the picture. He looks up. My heart stops beating. He’s going to go there. He’s going to verbalise the one unspoken secret he’s always known.
