Tears of Gold: Tears of Ink #3

by Bloom, Anna

  “No. I want to see the look on his face when I tell everyone what he did.”

  Eli nods slightly but I know this is hurting him, killing him that I’m exposing myself like this. The door opens and Abi walks in.

  “You okay, sister sledge?”

  I groan. “Seriously, everyone needs to stop calling me that.”

  She lifts an eyebrow and purses her lips. “What would you rather, Mama bear?”

  “No. I’d rather no stupid names, just Faith.”

  There’s a pause and then she peels a loud laugh. “Nope, not going to happen. I think sister sledge has stuck.”

  “Can you go away if you’re going to be annoying. I can’t cope with it today.”

  She might be as annoying as hell but she’s also my oldest and bestest friend for a damn good reason. “Adam sends his love and says, 'Make sure that fucker gets bum rushed in jail'.”

  I have to laugh despite the uncomfortable sweat I have going on. “That would make me truly happy.”

  The door opens again. It’s like a packed London train station in here. Don’t they all know I’m exploding with pregnancy and have the internal body temperature of a nuclear plant about to blow? Gerard pokes his head around the door and then troops in followed by—well followed by bloody everyone. Tabitha, Jennifer, Saskia, Sienna…

  I wait and watch the door, my stomach sinking when Dan doesn’t also come in.

  “Guys come on. You can’t all sit there and listen. I’d hate it.”

  The door opens again and Philip Duncan walks in. What the hell is happening here?

  “We know.” It’s Jennifer that speaks. At some point soon I will get used to the fact I no longer want to punch her in the face every time I’m in a room with her. “So, we are going to stay in here. But we are here for you, Faith.”

  “Well fuck.” I’m going to cry. Bloody hell.

  “Hey,” Eli slips a supportive hand around me. “No more tears remember?”

  I scowl hard. “Then you guys need to stop making me bloody cry. I’m a hormonal wreck.”

  “Good luck, Faith." Tabitha steps up and kisses me, hugging me hard. Then they all do.

  Less than a year ago, I kept everyone out. No one could get through my walls. Now I’m surrounded by people who actually care. Who give a shit? Who will fight for me, make me fight?

  “Thanks.”

  Reggie opens the door. “Nearly time. Opening statements are done.”

  “How bad was it?” I twist my engagement ring around my finger. “They painted an interesting picture, but don’t worry. All your art has rubbed off on me; mine was far clearer, with a definite focal point.” He smiles and his belly jiggles with a chuckle, but then his face falls.

  I take a deep breath and turn for the door.

  It’s taken a long time for me to get here and no one is going to ruin it for me now.

  With a straight back, well as straight as I can manage under the pressure in my ribs from my giant baby’s feet, I start to walk down the corridor. “Faith.” Eli catches up with me. “Do you want me in there?”

  “Yes. I need you in there. No lies, only truths from now on.” I go to carry on walking.

  “Faith.” He calls me back around. “I’m trying to remember if we ever officially had a first date.”

  What is he talking about? Now is not the time. I rub my belly and tilt my head to the side. “I think it’s a little bit too late for that. We work together, live together, and made this together.” My heart sings despite what I know the day is going to bring.

  “Still. Will you meet me here next Saturday?”

  “At Brighton and Hove law courts?”

  He chuckles and shakes his head. “No, funny. On the pier. The place where you first told me your truth.”

  My mind wanders back to that night, before Al had left me, when Dan was still my friend and when I was trying so hard to try to find a way to Eli over that wall I protected myself with. “Sure.”

  “Excellent. I’ll make it a date you never forget.”

  “I know you will.”

  He holds my hand all the way to the double doors where a policewoman is waiting to take me to the witness stand. Eli goes to the public gallery, but I have no fear of what he will hear. He knows my darkest fears now and I know he won’t run from them. Neither of us ever will.

  I don’t know how everyone is staying so calm and chilled in the small room. I glare at them all, unable to talk or chit chat. The day went faster than I expected. My time on the stand is a blur of tears and sweat. Truth and hope. Destruction and pain.

  The door opens and we all jump up. My dad edges in and Eli jumps up to block him from getting closer to me.

  He holds his hands up. “Faith?” He talks around Eli’s tall frame.

  “What? I have nothing to say to you.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  I stare at him hard. Where is the man who should have loved me? Who should have protected me? He doesn’t exist. “So am I. Don’t ever come near me again.”

  “Faith, I want to—”

  I cut him off. “Don’t. Ever. Come. Near. Me. Again.” I turn my back and breathe so deep I think it may never end.

  I wait until the door shuts before I turn back around. “What a tosser.”

  Abi starts to laugh and then Gerard, then Philip. Until everyone is laughing and I’m wiping at my eyes, an insane rush of release coursing through my veins.

  “Come on, Eli.” I turn to him holding out my hand. “Let’s go back to the hotel. The jury won’t decide anything today.”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t think so. Your case was convincing.” He wraps me in his arms. “I love you.”

  Smiling, I reach up, my tummy totally getting in my way and I kiss the edge of his mouth. “I love you.”

  Reggie barrels through the door. “Faith, they’re back.”

  “What?” I freeze, my lungs solidifying on the exhale.

  “They are back. We’ve got to go.” Reggie hesitates. “Unless you don’t want to hear?”

  “Fuck that.” I pull myself together. “I am watching that bastard stay down.”

  I follow him, Eli’s hand tight in mine. My footsteps are heavy like I’m wading through water. Eli won’t let go. He follows me straight to the table where I will sit with Reggie and he helps me into my chair. His lips kiss mine. His eyes burn with an intensity I can’t even contemplate. He presses something into my hand and it’s only when he turns to walk away, I glance down. A V, the same as the one I inked on his shoulder is sketched onto a folded piece of paper. I open it and tears well up in my eyes.

  V is for Victory. My victory was the day I met you and you changed the course of my life.

  I fold it back up and hold it so damn tight it might never unfold again.

  Everything happens so fast and so slow all at once.

  When ‘guilty’ is said by the spokesperson of the jury I want to sear it into my heart, but I can’t because I’m staring at Aiden, at the monster who tried to ruin me. I watch his face as it falls and his eyes meet mine. And I fucking smile in that bastard’s face.

  V is for victory. V is for me.

  * * *

  “Come on. Eli can wait just half an hour while you pop into mine first.” Abi whines down the phone. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between her and Charlotte.

  I shift uncomfortably in my seat. The Range Rover might be top of the range, but it’s still not spacious enough for me and my bump. Whatever this date is Eli has planned—I have to drive to it myself in his monster car.

  I didn’t want to tell him I was too tired for this. Filming the show, and the court case—although surprisingly brief—has knackered me out. All I wanted today was to lie in bed while he tickled the bump and played his little game of chase the foot which I know for a fact he doesn’t realise actually hurts. I’m exhausted, the emotional battering of the last few months have taken it out on me; that and pregnancy—who knew lumping a baby around hurt so much.
<
br />   It’s why I made the decision to burn my mother’s file. Eli didn’t agree but he held my hand as I tossed it into the grate in the sitting room of our home.

  I’m too exhausted for the past; my energy now is solely for my future. I’m happy with my choice. Freed by it almost.

  “Earth to Faith!” I realise Abi has been gabbing on trying to get me to swing by and see her first before I meet him.

  She’s not going to let me get away with being this close and not stopping by. “I’ll call him and see.”

  “Yay. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.” I disconnect the call and then hit dial on Eli’s number on loudspeaker.

  “Are you nearly here?”

  “I am, but Abi wants to see me. Do you mind if I push back half an hour?”

  There’s a beat of a pause. “You want to delay our date for Abi?”

  “Just half an hour. She wants to tell me something. I reckon she’s pregnant again.”

  “Poor Adam.”

  “Poor Adam indeed.” I smile, the March sunshine kissing warmth on my face through the windows of the car.

  “I’ll just stand here on this pier and freeze.”

  “Half an hour.”

  “Not a moment more.”

  I hang up and then steer through the back roads towards Abi’s. I clamber out of the car like an elephant trying to reverse itself out of a mud bath.

  “Whoo, you came.”

  I pull her in for a hug. “Of course I came. You made it sound like life or death.”

  “It is. It is.”

  I follow her inside. I’m sure all the doorframes in the country are shrinking in width at the moment. “I’m so uncomfortable, Abs. How have you survived this twice? I can barely breathe. My ribs just can’t expand anymore.”

  She turns and appraises me. “I have to say, you are an impressive size.”

  “Thank you, friend.”

  “You know me. I like to keep it real.” Grinning like a lunatic on crack she bends down and picks a big box up off the sofa. “This is for you.”

  “More baby clothes? I swear this baby will only wear one outfit once. Jennifer has been buying every single thing she sees.”

  I stare down at the box in confusion. On top is an envelope with Eli's writing on it.

  “What?” Putting the box back on the sofa, I open the envelope.

  To my Faith.

  Captain Wentworth wasted years without his Anne.

  I won’t live another moment more without you as my wife.

  Meet me on the pier and make me the happiest and proudest man alive.

  Let me tie us together in a promise of gold.

  E.

  “I don’t understand,” I mutter.

  “Open the box, Faith.”

  I bend, well as much as I can, and pick up the box, lifting the lid and peeking inside. An ivory cashmere bolero is inside.

  Abi squeals. “The dress was too big to squish into a box.”

  “What dress?”

  The kitchen door flies open and Tabitha almost falls through it. She’s all dressed up in a black slinky dress. “This one!” She pulls rivers of ivory satin from behind her.

  I stare, my mouth hanging open. It’s the dress I looked at all those months ago in my room at Bowsley. The day I realised I was never going to wear a dress like that because, well, I’m a goddamn whale.

  “It’s been adjusted to account for the bump.” Jennifer steps up behind her daughter. “I remembered which one you were looking at.” She looks mighty pleased with herself.

  “Elijah wants to marry me now?”

  “Apparently you told him you would only marry him once Aiden was in jail.” Abi cocks her head and appraises me.

  “Yes, but… that was ages ago. We didn’t know he was going to be found guilty until last week.”

  She shrugs. “Eli did. He had faith in you all along.”

  “I’m getting married today?” I can’t believe it. This is insanity on every level.

  They all nod. “But who has been invited?” My heart drops. What if Dan has been left off the surprise guest list because Eli can’t get past everything that’s happened?

  “Everyone will be there, I’m sure.” Abi’s eyes meet mine. “So are you going to leave him waiting on the pier or are you going to get into that dress and go meet him?”

  Everything spins around me. I’m getting married today?

  This is insanity.

  Then I’m kicked sharply on the inside and I rub the spot with the palm of my hand, my baby rubbing back from the other side.

  “I’m getting married today.”

  In the recess of my mind I can hear the wonderful rumbling laughter of Al; Go get them, Faith.

  I did. I did.

  Abi reading my face steps up. “He’d be bloody proud of you.”

  “I know.”

  By the time I’m dressed, and Abi has slipped on a dress that matches Tabitha’s, and Jennifer has stopped fussing, it’s been longer than half an hour. My phone pings.

  Your timekeeping sucks.

  I chuckle, but tears start to build. I can’t cry on my wedding day. I can’t cry on my wedding day.

  My wedding day.

  Like fuck I can’t.

  I walk along the promenade uncaring of who is watching. The moment I spot him in a tuxedo, I start to blub. Big fat rolling tears fall down my face.

  When I get to him, he brushes at them with his thumbs, his fingers anchoring around my jaw as he kisses me so deep I almost swoon.

  “For the record, this isn’t our first date.”

  “No?” He arches a dark brow.

  “No. Our first date was at Whitlocks when you surprised me with my exhibition. Cheese and wine.” My heart stamps in my chest.

  “Sunshine, that wasn’t a date, that was me just showing you what I was capable of.” He lets go of my face and drops down onto one knee. “Faith, free of the shackles of the past and facing what the future sends our way, will you marry me and be my wife until the day I die?”

  “I’m not wearing this dress for nothing.”

  “Say it.”

  “I already said yes.”

  “No. I said yes, now I need you to say it.”

  “I will.”

  He laughs, a flash of nervousness twitching his lips. “Would have been bloody awkward if you said no.”

  He gets up and catches my hand. Behind him everyone we know claps and applauds. Miss Beesley is there, Gerard, Philip, even Lewis, who for once isn’t frowning. Dylan, Angela. His gran… his fucking gran! She smiles at me and nods just once.

  Poor old cow. It must be hard to lose everything you’ve battled so hard to keep.

  It’s the one thing I don’t plan to do.

  I link my arm with his and we walk along the promenade, turning right at the lights. Our bridal party stops the traffic. I’m alternating between crying and giggling. I’m a mess. Who cares? From the corner of my vision I catch sandy hair and tattoos. Dan. My heart swells a little.

  When we stand outside Brighton Registry office, Eli turns to me and smiles. “Is this like the little girl's dreams?”

  “It’s more. It’s so, so much more.”

  Then he’s mine, in bands of gold and memories of glass. Of art in ink, and tears that will never stop coming but will always be fought.

  And I will take them all. Fight for them all so I can be who I am. The girl in ink.

  Epilogue

  “These stairs, they will be the end of me.” I fall through the attic door and almost collapse. “We need a lift or something.”

  Eli laughs and carefully pops his paintbrush down. I rub my tummy. It’s rock hard, the baby so big it literally can’t move anymore. “Feel this. It’s like a boulder.”

  Laughing, he bends lower. “Come out, come out. Mummy is getting impatient.”

  I scowl. “Mummy, Nanny, Aunty Tabitha, bloody everyone.”

  “It’s only three days. The midwife said you could go up to two weeks.
”

  I stare at him aghast. “No, Elijah. No, you aren’t understanding. I can’t.”

  “I told you, sex is the answer.”

  “No. Sex is disgusting when I can barely see you because the bump is obscuring my view of reality.”

  “No sex. Come look at what I’m working on.” He grabs my hand and pulls me around the easel, his face shining.

  “Wow.” A massive canvas is balanced across two easels. Explosions of colour crafted with deep and thick oil sweep across the surface. Abstract, it looks like it’s nothing at all, no one subject until I see a flash of a familiar pink and peer closer. “Are those my roses?”

  “Maybe.” He smirks.

  “Is this me?”

  “Possibly.”

  “Jesus, Eli. This isn’t some abstract view of me naked is it?”

  He shrugs but laughs, the sound rings around the walls. “Maybe.”

  My stomach tightens again, and I wince in a breath. “Bloody hell. Why is this going so hard?”

  “Let’s get you safely back downstairs. I can work on this later.”

  “Have Whitlocks seen it?’

  “Yep.”

  “Did they know it was me naked?”

  “That’s our secret.” I glow with pride at my husband who for the first time in his life is giving in to his dreams.

  I step for the door but then stop in confusion when I hear a loud popping sound. “What was that? I turn to ask just as a gush of water lands on the floor. “Oh, oh. That’s disgusting.”

  “Bloody hell. Is that your waters?”

  “Unless I peed myself.”

  “Did you?”

  “No, I think it’s my waters.”

  His eyes are bright and stare at me with wonder and intensity. “It’s happening, Faith.”

  “Oh shit.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  “Will you hold my hand and never let go?”

  “Always. You don’t even have to ask.”

  Downstairs, I ring the midwife who tells me to keep walking around. The tightening’s are stronger now. Stupid mare, they were contractions. I have no hope about my parenting skills at all.

  “Walk with me?” I hold my hand out and he grins, linking his fingers with mine.