"But here's the thing," she said, still holding his hand tightly. "I thought I'd be so happy to get my license back, and to receive that job offer. All I have to do is accept her offer and get back to work, but when I got it back, I just started to cry. Not from happiness, but because I didn't want to have that choice to practice law anymore. I wanted someone else to take it away from me so I couldn't do it anymore, so I didn't have to decide what I wanted."
Ryder's heart ached for her pain. "You don't want to be a lawyer?"
She rolled over in his arms to face him. "I don't know, Ryder. I don't know anything. I worked so hard for that career, and now…I don't know. Do I hate it because of him? Or did I spend years pursuing something I didn't actually want? I have to let my friend know in two weeks if I'm taking the job, and I don't know what to do. All I know is that I have to say yes to the offer because I'm broke, but that feels like a terrible reason to choose a path in life. But what else would I do?" She looked at him, her eyes so lost. "I don't know, Ryder. I'm just so lost, too lost to even think about being able to invest in a relationship with you, or to promise you anything."
The thought of her going back to Boston made something dark grip Ryder's heart, but he kept his voice light. "You have two weeks, right?"
She nodded.
"Take those two weeks here. I'm the one who knows you best. Let me help you find your way."
She gave him a skeptical look. "You're not exactly impartial."
"I am." He took her hand and pressed a kiss to her knuckle. "I love you, Zoey. I want you to be my forever. But I loved you so much that I was willing to let you go once before because I thought it was best for you. I'd encourage you to go back to Boston if that was right for you." He met her gaze. "But if starting over with me is right, I'm going to fight like hell for it."
Fear flickered in her eyes. "Ryder, I'm not ready for a relationship. I can't promise that."
"No promises necessary," he said. "Just spend your two weeks here. Go on a date with me. Let the people in this place heal you, and then see where you end up."
She took a deep breath, and his heart started to pound as he waited. Two weeks. That was all he wanted from her. If, in two weeks, he was convinced she was better off in Boston, he'd make her go. But if not…he was going to do everything he could to show her that he was the one she was meant for. She couldn't lie, it sounded perfect. She hesitated. "Can I stay here? I can't pay much, but I can pay something."
"You bet. No rent, though. Friends and family discount." He grinned, his heart feeling lighter than it had in a long, long time. "Being a general contractor has been great for my bank account, so I'll even give you an allowance…if you do your chores, of course."
"You're such a pain in the ass." She pointed a finger at him. "And you won't sneak into my room every night? I need space to find myself, and I can't do that if you're taking up my world with your massive shoulders and huge biceps."
His smile widened. "Sneaking in? No. Striding right in without apology? Maybe." He raised his brows. "Kiss to seal the deal?"
"No. I already said no biceps or naked shoulders allowed." She flipped the covers back to get out of bed.
He locked his arm around her waist, dragged her back toward him, and then proceeded to show her exactly what other parts of him besides his shoulders and his biceps were tempting.
When she giggled in protest, he knew he'd done the right thing.
Because he was bringing laughter back to his woman.
Chapter Twenty
"You're such a dork." Zoey couldn't stop laughing when Ryder missed the frying pan with his third pancake in a row. At least this one landed on the counter and not the floor, so progress was being made. "Stop trying to flip them. You clearly suck at it."
He grabbed the pancake and hurled it at her, scoring a direct hit on her forehead. "I used to be able to do this. I'll get my mojo back."
Zoey grinned and took a bite of the pancake. "It actually tastes pretty good."
"Of course it's good. I'm a master chef." Ryder ladled another dollop of batter into the frying pan. "You want chocolate chips with this one?"
"No, I'm good." She propped her chin on her hands, giggling as she watched him dancing to Crocodile Rock while he cooked. "I don't remember you being this silly."
"Never?"
"You were always serious, sometimes angry, but always protective, and cynical about the world." She took another bite. "I don't know what to do with this Ryder. I'm not sure I've ever met him before."
"Just fall madly in love with me, and we'll be good." He eyed the pan. "I think I've got it this time."
"Do you? I tend to doubt it." Zoey knew she should be tired, because Ryder had kept her up much of the night showcasing his excellent love-making skills, but she was totally wired on adrenaline and giggles. He was such a considerate lover, really talented, and fun. Even though it was basically like starting with a new lover, their long history gave her a level of comfort she hadn't experienced before. With Ryder, she could just be herself, and it felt so good. She'd never felt as happy as she had spending the night in his arms. Her entire soul had been at peace, and it still was. "Thank you for accepting me as I am."
He shot a glance at her. "Baby, the only thing I want is for you to be you, whoever you want to be. You can change your mind a thousand times, and it's all good. Because it's your soul that I love, and that never changes."
Her heart tightened. "How do you come up with such beautiful things to say? Do you sign up for daily win-her-over emails from Howtogetagirl.com?"
"Nope. It's all me. But I'm considering being offended that you think I couldn’t come up with that kind of shit by myself."
She cocked her head. "Okay, apology sent your way. But seriously, how do you come up with it? You're so…kind. You've always been my protector, but now there's something else to you as well. Something…more introspective, I guess?" This new side of Ryder was intriguing. A little unsettling, because he was changing the rules, but at the same time, she kinda liked it.
Oh, who was she kidding? She freaking loved it. The guy was an amazing lover, and he made her feel like the most special person in the entire world. What woman wouldn't completely melt for that?
He shrugged. "It's a side effect of a long life of hating myself and my genes, I guess, and trying to figure out how to get past it. It was tough trying to come to terms with my brothers finding happiness, which didn't make sense to me for a long time."
She frowned. "Why didn't it make sense? I think it's beautiful."
He raised an eyebrow. "Baby cakes, we all had the shit beat out of us on a regular basis by our bastard pig of a father. Every woman he brought into the house was a bitch, and we have a string of different mothers, none of whom stuck around or gave a shit about us once we were born. None of us know a damned thing about being a husband or a dad or any kind of remotely acceptable member of society. So, when my brothers started finding happiness and love, it didn't make sense to me. We didn't get those things, and yet, apparently, we did. So, I had to figure out how to understand that."
Sadness filled her at the honesty in his voice. "You always had loyalty to each other. And to me and Dane. That's family."
He nodded. "I think our loyalty to each other is what enabled my brothers to connect with their wives. We don't trust many people, but with the ones we let in, the bond is deep. It took a long time for me to understand that." He tested the pancake, then glanced at her. "I have a monster inside me, Zoey. All the Stocktons do. I didn't think it was possible for any of us to become more than what our dad was. And yet, I'm surrounded by proof that it can happen, which made it hard for me to keep lying to myself that it wasn't possible." He pointed the frying pan at her. "And you, my dear, are part of the reason I learned not to hate myself so much. I figured if you thought I was worthy of your sunshine, I must not be half bad, right?"
Her throat tightened, and she wasn't sure which part was most powerful. The part that he hated himself for so
long, or that she was part of the reason he learned not to. "I always saw beauty in you," she said softly.
He met her gaze. "I know you did. You never stopped seeing a hero when I saw nothing but shit. I think that's maybe one of the reasons I declared myself your protector. I needed your sunshine more than you needed to be protected."
She raised her eyebrows. "With my uncle?"
He laughed. "Okay, so maybe you did need protection, but after all this time, I'll finally confess that my motives weren't completely altruistic. You were my lifeline, Zoey, and when you left, I wasn't sure I'd be able to find my way without you."
Why did you let me go, then? The question bubbled up inside her, but she didn't ask it. He'd already given her his answer, and she knew hearing it again wouldn't change anything. She had to deal with what had happened, to find her way back, just as he had.
She watched as Ryder slid his spatula under the pancake, flipped it, and executed a perfect landing in the pan. "Voila!"
She applauded him, laughing at the sparkle in his eyes. She'd never seen him so happy, which made him even more handsome than ever. His good mood was infectious, and her heart felt lighter than it had in a very long time, even now, despite their brief trip to the past and his horrible, horrible childhood.
She knew this happy, relaxed moment with them was temporary. Real life hovered just outside the walls of the kitchen. He'd already told her he had to leave town in a couple hours for a one-night trip to another site. She had to get to work at the café, and start to think about what her life could look like without law in it, and how she felt about that possibility. She still wasn't ready to turn herself over to the demands and stresses of a relationship, especially with Ryder, who could so easily make her forget about anything but him.
But right now, watching him with flour on his cheek and the floor littered with failed pancake flips, she was so relaxed, and so happy, and it felt great. "When are you coming back to town?"
"Tomorrow evening." He carried the surviving pancakes over to the table and gave her a long, delicious kiss before setting them down. "I promise to make it back in time to kiss you goodnight, sweetheart—"
"Ryder? What the fuck are you doing?" Dane appeared in the doorway, his voice hard and cold.
Ryder immediately tensed, and she saw his jaw flex. "Dane." His voice was hard, and he set his hand on Zoey's arm as if to claim her, and then he slowly turned around. "So good of you to stop by unannounced and uninvited."
"You piece of shit." To her shock, her brother leapt across the kitchen, grabbed Ryder, and punched him right in the jaw.
Ryder reeled backward. Not from the punch so much, which he'd seen coming and hadn't tried to evade, but from the fact that his best friend had just hit him for kissing the woman he loved. He hit the counter hard, staggering to stay on his feet, stunned that Dane had actually hit him.
"Dane!" Zoey leapt between them, her voice elevated with shock. "What are you doing? What's wrong with you?"
His fists bunched by his sides, Dane didn't even look at his sister. He just glared at Ryder. "What the fuck, Ryder?"
Ryder fought to keep his anger in check. He was so pissed he could barely think. "So, that's what you think of me? I'm so unworthy of your sister that you'd punch me to keep me away from her?" The man who had stood by him his whole life, since they were kids, thought he was nothing more than scum. Dane had told him as much the other night, but to actually see Dane so angry that he hit him was surreal.
He'd never seen Dane hit anyone or anything in his entire life. The man had no violent streak, no anger issues, no need to get physical, which showed exactly how much he hated the fact Ryder was kissing Zoey.
"What?" Zoey looked back and forth between them. "What are you talking about?" She grabbed Dane's arm. "What's going on?"
Dane finally dragged his gaze off Ryder and focused on his sister. There was so much pain in his eyes that Ryder almost felt sorry for him. "I gave up everything for you, Zoey," he said, his voice raw with emotion. "I gave it all up so you could get out of here and live the life you deserved."
She stared at him. "What are you talking about?"
Ryder swore. "Don't go there, Dane. Don't do that to her."
"Do what?" Zoey stiffened and pulled back from Dane, her body tensing. "What are you guys talking about?"
Dane answered her. "I had an athletic scholarship to the University of Wyoming," he said. "I had a chance to get out of town, but I stayed here to take care of you. I knew I couldn't leave you with our bastard uncle. I was going to stay until you left for college, but then, you needed spending money. So I stayed in this town so you could get out."
Her mouth dropped open. "You never told me that. I thought you wanted to stay in town."
Ryder swore at the shocked guilt on her face, and he walked over to her, sliding his arm around her shoulders, because he had a feeling she'd need it.
"I didn't tell you because it wasn't your burden to carry." Dane's voice softened, even as he glared at Ryder's possessive stance. "I never regretted it, Zoey. You were worth it, and I'd do it a thousand times over." He scowled at Ryder, new anger simmering in his eyes. "But I didn't do all that so Ryder could fuck it all up. He promised he wouldn't keep you. He promised to keep his hands off you, not trap you here just because he wanted to get his jollies with you—"
"What the fuck?" Ryder couldn't let that one pass by uncontested. "That's not fair, and you know it. I love her and—"
"No! Don't!" Dane was almost frantic. "Don't you get it? Zoey deserves everything, and you don't get to steal it from her! Don't fucking love her!"
"Wait a minute!" Zoey held up her arms to silence them. She turned to Ryder. "What is he talking about? That you promised to keep your hands off me and not trap me? When?"
Ryder ground his jaw at the pain in her eyes. "It was just before the prom, when he said you were falling in love with me. I told you, remember?"
"Yes, but that was ten years ago, and he just punched you now." She looked back and forth between them. "Did you have the same conversation again since I came back?"
Ryder ground his jaw, and Dane said nothing.
"You did, didn't you?" Zoey felt like her heart was shattering all over again. She looked at her brother. "You told Ryder to stay away from me again? You kicked me out of this town ten years ago, and now you want me gone again," she said, her voice starting to shake. "You didn't want me here then, and you treated me the same way this time."
"Because you deserve better," Dane said.
"Better than living with the man I loved?" The man she loved. The words had slipped out, but she knew she meant them. She had loved Ryder back then…and now? She was so afraid to admit to herself what she was feeling for him.
"You were eighteen!" Dane said. "You didn't know what love was!"
"And now? You think that after living in Boston for ten years, going through marriage, divorce, a miscarriage, and bankruptcy, that I'm not capable of handling my own life? Because that's how you're treating me, like I'm some pathetic idiot!"
"Miscarriage?" Ryder sounded shocked. "You had a miscarriage? When?"
Shit. She hadn't meant to bring that up. Her throat tightened at the memories of that horrible time. "I lost the baby the week after Nathan announced he was leaving. He never knew I was pregnant."
Ryder swore, and she felt his arm tighten around her. It was a subtle move, but it seemed to reach inside her and steady her as the old grief tried to well up.
"I don't think you're an idiot." Dane took a deep breath. "I just want you to have a beautiful life, and Ryder's not it."
"I don't understand." She wedged herself tighter against Ryder's side, needing his support and his grounding. "Ryder's always been your best friend. Why on earth are you so angry about me being with him?"
Dane ground his jaw. "Because I know his demons, Zoey. I know his darkness. I've seen the sides of him you never have." He gave a hard look at Ryder. "He's my best friend, but if he decides to go after
you, he's not anymore. You have to choose, Ryder."
Zoey felt like her heart was breaking. She couldn't believe Dane was trying so hard to come between her and Ryder. Yes, she wasn't ready to declare her love for him, but she needed him in her life. He was her strength, her peace, her laughter, her salvation, and she'd just now finally gotten him back. "And me? I have to choose between the two of you as well? Is that what you're saying?"
Dane sighed. "You'll always have me," he said softly. "Always. I'd give my life for you. I already have."
Guilt clenched around her heart. "But if I were to choose to be with Ryder, what then? Would you accept him?"
Her brother didn't hesitate. "No. Never. It would be the ultimate betrayal by him to be with you." He looked at Ryder. "Do the right thing, Ryder. If you love her, you will let her go. If you keep her, then you're the selfish bastard you've tried your entire life not to be, just like your dad."
Ryder sucked in his breath as if he'd been punched, and Zoey felt like she was going to cry. "Why would you say something like that to him, Dane?"
Tears brimmed in his eyes. "Because you're all I have left of my family, Zoey. I have to protect you, the way I couldn't protect Mom and Dad. Come to dinner tomorrow night. Meet my kids. Jaimi loved you so much. Be a part of my family, sis, until you go back to Boston."
Then he spun around and strode out of the kitchen, slamming the front door as he left the house.
Chapter Twenty-One
There was silence between Ryder and Zoey after Dane left.
Ryder was so pissed at Dane he could barely even think. He wanted to go after him, haul his ass back into the kitchen, and beat the hell out of him…and the fact he was even thinking that scared the living shit out of him.
Zoey pulled away from him, and he let her go, flexing his jaw as he tried to pull himself together.
A Real Cowboy Always Trusts His Heart Page 14
