She put the table between them before she turned to face him. "You let my brother talk you out of going after me?" she asked softly. "I know you already told me, but I didn't really understand. You actually let him talk you out of being with me?"
"I made the choice myself," he said again. "I believed you deserved Harvard. I did not, however, understand until a couple days ago that part of the reason he spoke to me back then was because it was me he wanted you away from. Not the town. Me."
"What made you realize it now?"
"Because he told me two days ago, when he found out I'd been at your place helping you unpack. He told me to stay away from you again." He shrugged. "I thought about it, because I do believe you deserve to be happy."
"But…?"
"I decided I'm the one you need in order to be happy. So, I ignored him. It went over well, as you saw." Did he regret it? He probably should, but he couldn't summon any regret. If anything, Dane's reaction made him more certain that Zoey needed him.
She searched his face. "Why? What's so bad about you that he'd actually hit you to keep you away? I thought you were best friends."
Ryder rubbed his cheek where Dane had hit him. "I did, too."
"What does he see in you that scares him so badly?" she asked, her voice a raw whisper. "Because I don't see it. What do I not know about you, Ryder?"
Ryder ground his jaw. "I don't know," he answered honestly. "I feel like you know me pretty well. I don't know what he sees in me that scares him." But even as he said it, he realized it wasn't true. He did know, because that's how he'd perceived himself for so long. "I saw myself as a monster for almost my entire life," he said. "Maybe I can't blame him for seeing me as I believed I was."
"That doesn't make sense." She was still watching him, still looking wary. "There has to be something you did, something that scared him."
The fact that there wasn't anything was the part that bothered Ryder the most about Dane's rejection of him. He'd never lost his temper. He'd never beat anyone up. He'd never had even so much as a drop of alcohol. He'd lived his life under a brutally tight rein, unwilling to take a chance on what would happen if he relinquished even the slightest bit of control on his emotions. "It's just me, Zoey. He just saw me, day in and day out. Exactly as I am. My father's son. Apparently, that's enough."
She let out her breath. "He fears the demon inside you. The one you never let out."
Ryder stiffened. "My demon?"
She nodded. "I see it in your eyes all the time, Ryder. Haunting you. Stalking you. It never scared me because I knew you would never hurt me. But for him to react like that…am I wrong to trust you?"
Ryder felt like she'd just kicked him in the gut. She doubted if she could trust him? She was the only one who had believed in him, and he needed her to believe in him. "No, you aren't wrong to trust me." He strode across the kitchen and took her hand. "You know me better than anyone, Zoey. You know me."
She pulled her hand free, a movement that felt like it struck a dagger right through his heart. "I thought I did, until you abandoned me after the prom. I know you wanted me to go to Harvard, but there were a thousand ways you could have made that happen without rejecting me like that. You could have come with me. You could have told me that you loved me, but you couldn't let me stay. I would have listened to you. I worshipped you, Ryder. Worshipped you. If you'd simply told me to go, I would have listened. But you didn't choose that path. The path you chose was—"
"I know what path I chose, and I'm sorry." She was right. He'd never considered any other options, any of the ones that would have given her Harvard and still allowed them to be together. It had never even crossed his mind. "I guess I didn't think I deserved you," he said slowly. "I was afraid of my demon. Maybe I wanted you away from me as well." Saying the words felt like a betrayal to himself, but as he said them, they felt true.
Hell, he'd almost walked away from her again two days ago. If it hadn't been for Chase and Brody, he might have quit the barn project and left town completely. He'd been that close to leaving her again.
He let out his breath. Maybe he'd been lying to himself by believing he could give her what she needed. Dane was a good man, not a fool, and he loved the hell out of his sister. Maybe he did know what was right. "Maybe I'm not the man you need," Ryder said slowly. "I have no experience with good relationships. Maybe I can't give you what you need." He looked at her, barely able to think over the pain those words caused in his heart. "Because you deserve everything," he said softly.
She didn't argue with him, which said more than he wanted it to say.
They stood silently, staring at each other.
"I already told you I don't want a relationship right now," she said, her voice shaky. "I can't deal with this."
"I understand." He wanted to promise they could just be friends, that he could just be her platonic buddy, but it would be a lie. It was impossible. "All I wanted to do was make you smile again. A real smile. One with your heart." He searched her face, looking for any sign that she believed he could be the one for her, but there was nothing. Her face was a mask of pain and walls. "I thought you needed me, but maybe I was deluding myself, because I'm actually the one who needs you."
"You don't need me, Ryder. You never did. You couldn't have let me go if you did. And the same with Dane."
"Jesus. Is that what you think? That because I let you go, I didn't need you? I—"
"No." She held up her hands to stop him. "I have to go to work. You need to go to your other job site. Let's just take a day apart and get some perspective, okay? We can talk when you get home tomorrow night."
He didn't want to walk away. He was terrified she'd sneak away while he was gone, and he'd lose her forever. "Promise me you'll be here when I get back?"
She hesitated. "Ryder—"
He grabbed her wrist, trapping her. "Promise me you'll be here when I get back. I won't leave until you promise me."
"Why do you care?"
"Because I fucking love you. Maybe I'm not the right guy for you. Maybe Dane's right that I'm a fucked-up bastard, but I love the hell out of you, ZoeyBear, and if you walk out of here while I'm gone, I will lose the one thing, the one person, who makes my heart whole. This isn't over. Promise me."
She stared at him for a long moment, then she nodded. "I promise," she whispered.
"Okay." He paused for a split second, then locked his arm around her waist, pulled her against him, and kissed her hard. Passionately. Pouring every last bit of his soul into her safekeeping. He kissed her until she melted into him, her body sagging into his in complete capitulation and acceptance.
It was only then that he felt safe enough to let her go.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Zoey sat on her bed later that evening, her knees pulled to her chest, tired. Drained. Lost. It was almost midnight, and she hadn't been able to fall asleep, despite a double shift at the café. Everything in her brain and heart was a jumble that she couldn’t sort out. Ryder had texted a few times, just to make sure she was still there, and she was mad at how much she looked forward to his texts.
A light knock sounded on the door, making her jump. Was Ryder back a night early? She wasn't ready to see him. She didn't know what to say.
"Zoey? You still up?" Brody's voice was quiet, drifting through the door just loud enough for her to hear only because she was listening.
Brody. Relief rushed through her. "Yes, I'm up."
"Can I come in?"
She pulled the covers over her lap, feeling awkward and exposed sitting in her bed, but she nodded. "Yes, sure."
He nudged the door open, just enough to lean in. He glanced around the room, no doubt noticing she'd dropped her clothes from work in the middle of the floor, too tired to care where they went. "Keegan and I are going on a late-night kayak ride. Want to come?"
She blinked. "It's after midnight."
"Yeah, it's a full moon. Gorgeous. You want to join us?"
"I need to get up early for work."
"You're a pain in the ass," she called out.
"I know!" He sounded amused, not annoyed, and his feet thudded down the stairs as he headed out.
For a moment, Zoey considered pulling the covers over her head, but she didn't want to be alone with her thoughts. She'd spent way too much time alone with her thoughts over the course of her life, and they weren't helping her right now. Why not a midnight kayak ride?
With a sigh of resignation, she flipped off the covers and went in search of midnight kayaking gear…whatever that might be.
Ten minutes later, with some guidance from Keegan and Brody, she was in the kayak, afloat, and gliding out onto a magically still river. The moonlight was so bright that its silver rays lit up even the darkest shadows, as if it were midday. It was absolute peace and beauty, and within moments, she felt something inside her relax, and her tension began to ease away.
Neither Hart brother said anything as they paddled, allowing her to sink more deeply into a space of peace and calmness. She watched the ripples as night creatures swam just beneath the surface, and the chorus of night sounds included frogs, owls, and even a distant howl. Her heart turned over with sudden joy. "I haven't heard a coyote in forever."
"It always makes me feel like home. I love that sound." Brody rested his paddle across the front of his kayak, letting it drift as they listened to the coyotes talk to each other across the river. "I might have to move here permanently," he said. "I fucking love this river."
"Me too," Keegan said. "It reminds me of sitting on the riverbank as kids, watching the auto barges go past while we kept an eye out for cops. I liked that time. It was the only time that life seemed to make sense."
Zoey looked over at Brody as he nodded. Both men hadn't shaved for a few days, and they looked hard and strong, with their muscles flexing, and the craggy lines of their faces. They were both incredibly handsome, but there was a realness, a roughness to them, that only a tough life could create. "You guys are so lucky you found each other," she said softly. "I can't imagine a childhood of living on the streets."
Brody looked over at her. "I think you can. You had it rough."
She shrugged, knowing she could never compare her childhood to the Harts. "I had my aunt and uncle."
"Good people, were they?" Brody asked skeptically, making it clear that he'd heard plenty about them.
"They weren't my parents, but they were okay."
Keegan swung his kayak around so he was facing her. "What happened with Ryder and Dane today?" he asked, changing the subject. "We heard it even upstairs."
She frowned. "Nothing. It's fine."
The Harts exchanged glances, then Brody spoke. "Zoey, when we were kids, the only way we survived was because we were a team. Loyalty was the only thing that mattered. We had nothing…except each other. And that was enough, because we could count on it, no matter what."
Keegan nodded. "Brody was the one who pulled us all together, and he had this iron-clad rule that we never, ever kept anything from each other. If one of us were scared, we had to share it. If we did something stupid, we had to share it. Every single night, he made us sit together on the bank of that river, no matter what the weather, and each of us had to say how we were feeling, and what we needed. And then we'd try to help. Usually, we had no solutions, but it helped to get the shit out from inside us, where it was ripping us apart." He looked at his brother. "Those meetings were what saved us. Without those, the loneliness and fear would have destroyed all of us."
Zoey was embarrassed at the pang of envy that rippled through her. The Harts had had nothing as kids, and she'd had a home and food and the Stockton boys, and Dane. She knew she should be grateful for how much more she'd had than they had, but she couldn’t stop the envy for their connection, for the fact that every single night, each Hart had gone to sleep knowing they had each other. "That's beautiful," she said softly, watching the ripples from her paddle slide across the water.
"My point," Brody said, "is that we consider you family now, Zoey. That means you don't get to sit and suffer in silence. Talk it out. It's what we do."
She tensed. "Talk what out?"
Keegan tapped the front of her kayak with his paddle. "You're trapped out here with us, Zoey. There ain't no going back until this shit is flayed open and exposed."
Brody leaned forward, bracing his forearms on the kayak. "We've seen it all, Zoey. Every single Hart has been to hell and back. There's nothing you can say or feel or do that we can't handle."
She bit her lip and trailed her finger though the cool water. "I'm not used to talking things out." The only one she'd ever talked to was Ryder, and that had been somewhat sparing. He'd been her protector, more than her deepest confidant. She'd tried to be brave and strong around him, around everyone, although Ryder seemed to be incredibly astute about what she was feeling and what she needed, despite her attempts to pretend to be strong.
"That's fine. It's not supposed to be pretty," Brody said. "I've heard a lot about you from Dane. We know a lot of background already. So just start in the middle."
Zoey felt her chest tighten, and she picked up her paddle and started to blindly paddle. "I'm fine. Really."
Keegan swore and paddled across her path, so her kayak collided with his with a thump. "For hell's sake, Zoey. Stop with the bullshit. What the fuck is going on?"
"What's going on?" Sudden anger swelled inside her. Anger that these two men who she'd barely met were prying into her business. "You want to know? Fine. I'll tell you. I spent the last ten years fighting for a life that I'm not sure I even want anymore. I think I still love Ryder, but I don't even know if I know who he is anymore, and maybe I never actually knew him. My brother is being an asshole. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, and I don't even know where I want to be! I tried so fucking hard my whole life! I'm so tired of the struggle and trying so hard, only to have every good moment be wrecked as soon as I have the tiniest minute of being happy!"
Her shouts echoed across the water, and then silence fell, the kind of silence that only happens at night, when everything in the world seemed to be asleep.
Brody grinned. "You even dropped an f-bomb. That's a good sign."
She glared at him. "And I'm mad at you for taunting me into exploding."
"That's fine." He drifted closer. "Anything else?"
She sighed and set the paddle across her boat. "I'm lonely," she said softly. "When I go to bed at night, I feel like this darkness is closing in around me. I have plenty of friends and colleagues in Boston, but I still feel so deeply alone." It was so embarrassing to admit, like she was a loser, but in the darkness of the night, the truth came out.
Keegan nodded. "Have there been any moments when you don't feel lonely? Think back. Any times over the years?"
Two things immediately popped into her mind. "Yes."
"What were they?" Brody asked.
"Painting. Creating art, rather. It didn't have to be painting. Just anything to do with creating art. And…" She hesitated. "When I'm with Ryder."
The Harts looked at each other, and Brody raised his brows.
Keegan swore. "Damn. If Ryder hadn't been one of your answers, I was totally going to risk his wrath and go for you."
Brody snorted. "Fuck that. You'd never do that to him." He grinned at Zoey. "That's one of our codes. We never do shit like that to each other. Ever. So if you have the hots for Keegan, you gotta shut it down right now, because he's not going there with you."
Heat flushed her cheeks. "I don't have the hots for him," she blurted out, then laughed when Keegan put his hand over his heart and feigned agony.
"Oh, shut up," she laughed. "You know you don't mean that."
"Actually, I do on some levels." Keegan's smile faded. "You have no idea of the light you shine, Zoey. I saw it the moment I met you, and I completely understand why Ryder needs you. We all need light like yours, and he's a lucky son of a bitch that he's the one you chose."
"I didn't choose him—"
"Your light did." Brody let his kayak drift closer. "I believe in love, Zoey. Romantic love. It's what makes our souls safe enough to breathe and thrive. I see that in the way you and Ryder look at each other. You have that chance with him, so fight for it. Not everyone gets that gift." There was no mistaking the edge to his voice, the almost desperation.
She tried to remember if any of the Harts were married, but she didn't recall Ryder mentioning it. "Are any of your brothers and sisters with someone?"
"Only Hannah. But the rest will all find someone." Brody's tone was hard and unyielding. Accepting no other future.
"The Stocktons give us hope," Keegan said. "Some of them found it, and they're as fucked up as we are."
She looked at them both. "You guys don't seem fucked up. You seem like you totally have your shit together, honestly. So much more than I do."
Brody gave her a half-smile. "There's darkness in each one of us that's twisted so deeply that every day we have to fight a battle to keep from being consumed by it. Don't be fooled, Zoey. The Harts are a bunch of completely fucked-up individuals, and we always will be."
Her heart tightened as Keegan nodded in agreement. "I'm sorry."
Brody shrugged. "It's what we are. We can't change it. So, we learn to live with it." He glanced at Keegan. "But somewhere out there, I believe there's someone for each of us, someone who can handle our shit and the nightmares we bring."
Zoey stared at him, startled by the absolute conviction in his voice. She didn't know the details of his story, but he'd clearly been the leader of the gang of street kids who had all taken the last name of Hart and created a forever family. She had no doubt he'd been through hell and back, and yet he believed that he, and all his siblings, still deserved to be loved.
A Real Cowboy Always Trusts His Heart Page 15
