Friar Tuck

by Robert Alexander Wason

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  QUARRELING FOR PEACE

  We had a visitor once, which was a business man. One of his chiefdiversities was to compare sedentary occupations with what he calledthe joyous, carefree outdoor life. He said 'at sedentary came fromsedan-chair, and meant to sit down at your work. I rode the range nextspring until I felt more sedentary 'n an engineer; and sometimes atnight it used to strain my intellect to split the difference betweenmyself an' my saddle.

  I got out o' humor an' depressed and downright gloomy. Fact is, I wason the point o' rollin' up my spare socks and givin' Jabez a chance tosave my board money, when I heard a sound 'at jerked me up through thescum and gave me a glimpse o' the sky again. I was ridin' in aboutdusk, and I had hung back o' the dust the other fellers had kicked up,so I could be alone and enjoy my misery, when I heard this inspirin'noise.

  Ol' Tank Williams once tried to learn to play on a split clarinet afeller had give him, and at first I thought he had found where we hadburied it, and had resumed his musical studies; but this outrage camefrom an instrument a feller has to be mighty cautious about buryin'.It was a human voice, and these were the words it was screechin':

  "Fair Hera caught her wayward spouse With a mortal maid one dawn. Zeus charmed the maid into a cow, To save himself a jaw'n'. This seemed to me a liber-tee To take with poor I-oh; But now I find that he was kind,-- 'T was I who did not know. For girls use slang and girls chew gum, And drape their forms in silk; While cows behave with de-co-rum, And furnish us with milk."

  Well, I gave a whoop and threw the spurs into my pony. This was theseventy-ninth verse of Horace's song, and it was his favorite, becauseit was founded on the Greek religion. I found him perched up behind arock, and he kept on slammin' chunks of his song up again' the welkinuntil I shot some dirt loose above his head; and then he climbed downand reunioned with me.

  He was lookin' fine, except that some of his waist products had comeback, and we talked into each other until the air got too thin tobreathe. Then we suppered up and began talkin' again. He had tried allsorts of gymnastical games back East, from playin' golf to ridin'hossback in a park, but it didn't have the right tang. Folks thoughthe'd gone insane an' lost his mind, the air didn't taste right, he gotparticular about how his vittles were cooked; until finally, hisendurance melted and began to run down the back of his neck. Thisdecided him 'at he'd had full as much East as was good for him; so heloaded up a box with firearms, tossed some clothin' into a handbag,and he said his grin had been gettin' wider all the way out until ithad hooked holes through the window lights on both sides o' the train.

  We were all glad to see him, an' he dove into ranch life like abullfrog into a cream jar; and he got toughened to a hard saddle in amighty short time for a feller who had got used to upholstery backEast. He said 'at the only thing 'at had kept life in him had been tosing his song constant; but he denied 'at this was his main excuse forfleein' from his own range.

  He didn't seem to bear a mite o' malice for the joke I had put up onhim; but still, I have to own up 'at he half pestered the life out ofme with his song. He had what he called a tenor voice; but it was thedolefullest thing I ever heard, and the more he sang, the more hisnotes stuck to him until I coveted to hear a love-sick houndserenadin' the moon. When he saw it was riskin' his life to drag outany more o' the song, he would pause temptingly, and then begin alecture on the Greek religion. He got me all mussed up in religion.

  Of course, I knew 'at the Injuns had a lot o' sinful religious idees,and I was prepared to give the other heathens plenty o' room to swingin; but not even an Injun would 'a' stood for as immoral a lot as theGreek gods an' goddusses--especially the top one, which Horace calledZeus an' Jove an' Jupiter.

  This one didn't have as much decency as a male goat, and yet he hadunlimited power. He was allus enticin' some weak-minded human womaninto a scrape; and when his wife, who was called Hera and Juno, wouldget onto his tricks, Zeus would snap his fingers, say "Flip!" andcharm the human woman into some sort of an animal. It was a handyscheme for him, true enough; and he didn't care a scene howembarrassin' it was for the human women.

  He turned one of 'em into a bear, and, like most other women, she wasfeared o' bears an' wolves an' snakes, an' the rest o' the company shewas forced to associate with. She led a perfectly rotten existenceuntil her own son went bear huntin', and was just on the point ofjabbin' a spear into her, when even Zeus himself admitted 'at thiswould be carryin' the joke a leetle too far; so he grabs 'em up andsticks 'em into the sky as a group o' stars.

  Horace tried to argue 'at this proved Zeus to be merciful; but as faras I can see it's as idiotic as havin' the law hang a man for murder.Supposin' some feller had murdered me--would I feel any happierbecause this feller who couldn't put up with me in this world, is sentover to pester me in the next? Course I wouldn't; but if one o' myfriends was murdered, and I had a chance to slay the feller 'at didit, this would give me a lot o' satisfaction an' joy an'pleasure--though I don't say it would be just.

  Puttin' the woman an' her son up in the sky didn't square things inHorace's religion, neither; 'cause he said 'at Hera got jealous ofZeus for elevatin' the woman and she went to her foster parents whohad charge of the ocean, and made 'em bar this woman and her son fromever goin' into it, the same as the other stars did, and he couldprove it any clear night. I told him that he might get away with sucha tale as that back East among the indoor people; but that he couldn'tfool a day-old child with it out our way.

  We started this discussion the day after the fall round-up was over,Horace had toughened up before it began, and he had rode with me allthrough it, and takin' it all in all he was more help than bother,except that he shot too much. When he had come out before, he had beenso blame harmless he couldn't have shot an innocent bystander; butthis trip, he was blazin' away at every livin' thing 'at didn't have adollar mark on it, and when these wasn't offered, he'd wasteammunition on a mark.

  I had some details to tend to after the round-up, so we didn't get achance to settle the bet for several days. It was only a dollar bet;but when the time came, I picked out a couple o' good hosses, bein'minded to look at the stars from the top o' Cat Head.

  We reached it about dark, made some coffee, an' fried some bacon. Thenwe smoked an' talked until it was entirely dark before we ever lookedup at the stars. "Now, bluffer," sez I, "show me your woman-bear."

  He looked up at the sky, an' then moved on out o' the firelight, an'continued to look at the stars without speakin'. "Don't seem to see'em, do you?" I taunted.

  He turned to me an' spoke in a hushed voice: "Man," he said, "this iswonderful. Why, the way those stars seem to be hangin' down from thatvelvet dome is simply awe-inspirin'. I've looked through three goodtelescopes, but to-night, I seem to be viewin' the heavens for thefirst time."

  "I thought you wasn't much familiar with 'em, or you wouldn't have putout that nonsense about a bear-woman," I sez.

  "That," sez he, pointin' to the best known group o' stars in the sky,"is Ursa Major."

  "That," sez I, "is the Big Dipper, an' you needn't try to fool me bygivin' it one o' your Greek names."

  He didn't argue with me; but came back to the fire an' fixed somestones in the shape of the Big Dipper stars, then drew lines with astick, an' sez 'at this made up the Great Bear. I looked him betweenthe eyes, but he held his face, so I knew he was in earnest. "Allright," I sez. "I'll take you huntin' some o' these days, an' if wechance to come across a silver-tip--a real grizzly, understand, andnot a pet varmint backed up again' the risin' sun--you'll change yourmind about what a bear looks like. If that was all your fool Greeksknew about wild animals, I wouldn't waste my time to hear what theyhad to say about gods an' goddusses. I'm goin' to start back, an' youcan come or not, just as you please." This was the first time I hadhinted about the woodchuck; but I was disgusted at his nonsense. Hetook it all right, though, which proves he was game.

  I rode some comin' back, an' he kept t
ryin' to square himself; but Ididn't heed him. Just before we reached the foothills, we saw a fire,an' when we reached it, the Friar was just finishin' his supper. Hean' Horace bowed stiffly to each other, an' I was just put out enoughby Horace's star-nonsense to feel like roastin' some one; so I decidedto roast 'em both.

  I sat on my hoss an' looked scornful from one to the other. "Here istwo religious folks," I said, impersonal to the pony, but loud enoughfor all to hear. "Here is two genuwine religious folks! One of 'em isworkin' for universal brotherhood, an' the other is peddlin' Greekreligion which he claims to be founded on beauty an' love an' harmony.They meet in the mountains, an' bow as cordial as a snow-slide. Ithink if ever I pick out a religion for myself, I'll choose theInjun's."

  I couldn't have asked for any two people to look more foolish 'n theydid. Neither one of 'em seemed to have anything to say; so I said tomy pony: "Don't you worry none, Muggins, I got a match o' my own, an'if we want to set by a fire, why, we can ride on to some place wherewood is free, an' build us one."

  "Will you not dismount an' rest a while at my fire?" sez the Friar, ina tone meant as a slap at me.

  "No, thank you," sez Horace, "we must be goin'."

  "Yes, Friar," I sez hearty. "Me an' Horace has a bet up, an' you candecide it. Also, you owe him somethin' on his own hook. You drove himout o' your religion an' into the Greek religion; an' if that don'tgive him a direct call on you, why then you don't realize what a pestthe Greek religion is."

  They were so embarrassed they were awkward an' spluttery; but I wassure 'at this was good for 'em, so I got off, threw the reins on theground, an' warmed my hands at the fire; while Horace apologized forme not knowin' any better, an' the Friar assured him coldly thateverything was all right, an' he was rejoiced to have a littlecompany.

  Well, for as much as ten minutes, we sat around enjoyin' what I onceheard a feller call frapayed convivuality, an' then I took pity on 'eman' loosened things up by tellin' the Friar about the trip me an' Tankan' Horace had took into the mountains to pacify our nerves, justbefore he had stumbled on Horace that other time. O' course I didn'ttell it all, as I didn't want Horace to know any more about it than heknew already; but I told what a seedy little windfall Horace had beenwhen we started out, an' how he had come back crackin' jokes an'singin' the infernalest song 'at ever was made up. I finally gotHorace to sing ten or fifteen minutes o' this song, an' he droned itout so unusual doleful that he fetched a chuckle out o' the Friar, an'then we were feelin' easy an' comfortable, like outdoor men again.

  Then I told the Friar what our bet was, expectin' o' course that he'dback me up; but what did he do but say 'at Horace was right as far asthe stars was concerned. This tickled Horace a lot, an' he began tocrow over me until I concluded to test the Friar; so I sez to Horacethat his religion havin' been endorsed by the Friar himself, I'dbecome a Greek the first chance I had.

  Horace didn't take any trouble to hide his satisfaction, an' he beganto expound upon the beauty, an' the art, an' the freedom of the Greekreligion at a great rate.

  "They certainly was free," I sez, "an' easy too, an' I don't deny 'atthey might 'a' been some weight in art an' beauty; but, confound 'em,they didn't know as much about bears as I know about e-lectricity. I'djust like to see Zeus himself go up into the Tetons in the earlyspring, to hunt for Big Dippers. I'll bet the first hungry grizzlyhe'd come across would set him right on the bear question."

  This was a good opener, an' in about two shakes, the Friar an' Horacehad locked horns. Horace was a crafty, sarcastic, cold-blooded littleargufier; while the Friar was warm an' eager an' open as the day. Itwas one o' the best gabbin' matches I have ever started.

  They dealt mostly in names I had never heard of before, although oncein a while they'd turn up one a little familiar on account of Horacehavin' told me some tale of it. The Friar knew as much about thesethings as Horace did; but he called 'em myths, an' said while theydidn't mean anything when took literal, they had great historicalvalue when regarded merely as symbols. He said that I-oh--the humanmaid which Zeus had turned into a cow--was nothin' but the moon, an'that Argus of the hundred eyes was simply the sky full o' stars; andthat the old god which ate up his children was nothin' but time.

  I didn't really understand much of what they said; but I did enjoywatchin' 'em bandy those big words about. We all use a lot o' words wedon't understand; but as long as they sound well an' fill out a gap itdon't much matter. These two, though, seemed to understand all thewords they used, an' I was highly edified.

  As they talked, an' I kept watchin' the Friar's face, I learnedsomethin': the Friar had been mighty lonesome with only us roughfellers to talk with, an' had been hungerin' for just such a confab asthis to loosen up his subsoil a little.

  Every now an' again, I'd cast an eye up to the stars; an' while Ididn't know the religious names of 'em, I knew how to tell time by'em; an' I knew 'at those two would have a turn when they rememberedto look at their watches. It was full one o'clock when theconversation came to its first rest, an' then the Friar recalled whatI had said when I had dismounted; so he up an' asked Horacepoint-blank what he had had to do with makin' Horace quit the church.

  Horace was minded to sidestep this at first by intimatin' that I wasnot responsible for what I said; but he finally came across and toldthe Friar that he had give up that church for about the same reasonthat the Friar himself had. This set the Friar back purty well on hishaunches, an' put him on the defensive. He had hammered Horace freelybefore, but now when he conscientiously tried to defend the gang hehad left, and also excuse himself for leavin', he had some job on hishands.

  I thought Horace had him when he compared the Golden Age of Greece an'Plato's Republic with the Dark Ages, which was a stretch of years whenthe Christian religion about had its own way; but the Friar admittedthat what he called economical interests had put a smirch on thechurch durin' the Dark Ages, an' then he sailed into the Golden Age ofGreece, showin' that slavery was the lot of most o' the decent peopledurin' that period. When I fell asleep, they were shakin' their fistsfriendly at one another, about Plato's Republic, which I found outafterwards was only a made-up story.

  Bein' edicated is a good deal like bein' a good shot in a quietcommunity--once in a long while it's mighty comfortin', but for themost part it's nothin' but shootin' at a target.