Temptation

by Smeltzer, Micalea

  “Your dad?” I blurt, and pull away so I can see his face.

  “Yes,” he sighs heavily and pinches the bridge of his nose. “He wants us to come to his house this coming weekend. Something about reconnecting,” he sneers the word.

  “Maybe your dad does want to improve your relationship,” I reason and rub his chest.

  I don’t trust Rajas, I think he’s a snake, but Siva is his son so I do believe the man deserves the benefit of doubt. Maybe he’s realizing he’s missing out on a chance to have a really good relationship with his son.

  Siva shakes his head. “It’s too late for his apologies. Eleven years too late.”

  “It’s never too late.”

  He looks at me doubtfully. “Rajas Kapur apologizes to no one. It’s not in his nature. He probably made some big deal and he wants to rub it in my face.”

  “Or maybe he wants to get to know his son again. Are we going to go?”

  Siva sighs and scrunches up his face. “I don’t want to but I said we would.”

  “Can we bring the dog?” I smile.

  He laughs. “Rajas would hate it. So yes, we can bring the dog.”

  “Great,” I chime. I run my hand up his chest and put my mouth against his neck. “Why don’t we go upstairs and work out some of this tension?”

  He bends and kisses me deeply.

  “Or we could do it right here,” he says with a wicked grin and lifts me onto the counter.

  “Hey, guys. I’ve got to head out. I have a doctor’s appointment. I might be a little late returning,” I say to Alice and Mae, picking up my purse. Going to the doctor during my lunch break isn’t nearly as fun as actually getting to eat, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

  “Take your time.” Alice waves away my concern. “Is everything okay?”

  “I’m fine. Just a bug or something. Nothing bad.”

  “Call us and let us know,” adds Mae. Her hair is even more impossibly pink today. “We’ll worry about you.”

  “I will,” I say and hug them both. Mae and Alice have become like my second family. Sometime I wonder what I did before I met them. It’s amazing how empty my life was only a year ago. I never imagined it could be so full.

  I slip into the Porsche, which has basically become my car. I packed my lunch so I eat it in the car while I drive. I pull into the doctor’s office and take a deep breath before going in.

  I originally believed I had picked up a bug in Spain. It always seems when I go on vacation I get sick. I have bad luck. But now … Now I’m not so sure.

  I don’t have to wait long before I’m called back to see Dr. Fletcher.

  Dr. Fletcher looks much the same as I remember him. Gray hair, thick gray beard, and kind brown eyes.

  “Sloane, what brings you in today?” he asks, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

  “I’ve been sick every morning for the past week or so, and a little dizzy at times. I feel fine otherwise. But Siva made me come,” I sigh in explanation.

  The doctor laughs amusedly. “He can be very stubborn. Congratulations on your marriage,” he adds.

  “Thanks.”

  “So besides morning sickness and dizziness what other symptoms do you have?” he asks with a raised brow. I flinch at his words.

  Morning sickness.

  “I’m irritable and tired when I shouldn’t be,” I whisper.

  Dr. Fletcher looks at me. “Sloane, I think you already know what’s wrong with you.”

  A single tear leaks out of my eye and I hastily wipe it away. I nod my head. “I think I’m pregnant.”

  ***

  I’m pregnant.

  Dr. Fletcher confirms my worst fear.

  I’m having a baby.

  Siva’s baby.

  Siva’s going to be a dad, and I’m going to be a mom.

  Holy shit.

  I put my hand to my stomach and let the tears fall. I’ve always wanted kids. Maybe after being blissfully married for a few years. Not eight months after my honeymoon. I know Siva wants kids too but not now. But fate had other plans for us. He’s going to be mad. I know he think he isn’t ready to be a father. He’s finally given me his heart and he doesn’t think he can give another being his heart yet. But he’s trying, and he’s getting there, but I know he doesn’t think he’s there yet.

  “In a few years, Sloane,” he told me once. “Not yet. Just not yet. I’m too broken. I can’t … I can’t be the father I should be. I’m too much like my own right now.”

  I assured him he was nothing like his father but he wouldn’t listen and I’m not ready for a child either, so I let the argument drop.

  But now a child is coming all too soon. I fear this news will send Siva back into his dark hole after he finally joined me in the light. I don’t want to break him. He’s so fragile right now.

  This news, especially when married, should be joyous news. Instead I feel like I’m dying on the inside.

  A sob escapes my chest. How did this happen?

  “Nothing is foolproof,” Dr. Fletcher told me when I voiced the question out loud. “Sometimes these things happen. I hope this is … happy news.”

  When I burst into tears and shook my head no he simply walked away with a murmured, “It’ll be okay. He’ll come around.” I hate the doctor knows why I’m upset. Siva.

  Siva is ruining what should be a joyous moment in my life and he doesn’t even know yet.

  I finally pull myself together, wipe my face off, and drive back to Callahan’s Books. I know Mae and Alice are worried. They already left several voicemails. It’s almost time for the store to close. I feel bad I left them hanging but I didn’t want them to see me like this. But of course, they’ll notice anyway.

  “Sloane, are you okay?” Mae immediately asks when I walked into the store. “Grannie and I have been so worried. Have you been crying?”

  At her questions I burst into tears again. “Oh, my God!” cries Mae and she wraps me in her arms. “What is it? What’s wrong? Is it bad? Oh, Sloane, I’m so sorry,” she coos.

  Alice comes out of the backroom Astor at her heels. I don’t know how she manages to not trip over him. Ruby hisses at me from the top of a bookshelf.

  “What’s the matter?” asks Alice. Mae shrugs in response. Alice comes over and pats my shoulder. “What is it, pet?”

  When I can’t answer her Alice takes me from Mae’s arms, leads me to the backroom and plops me in a chair, and then tells Mae to get me something to drink.

  Mae returns with some water, which I try to sip but it’s difficult with all the sobs.

  “We’re here for you, Sloane,” says, Alice tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. “We’re your family.”

  I turn to her with red-rimmed eyes. “I’m pregnant,” I whisper. It’s the first time I’ve said the words out loud since I left the doctor.

  Alice and Mae smile. Then Alice’s smile disappears. “Then why are you crying. These are certainly not tears of joy,” she says, and wipes one away.

  I shake my head back and forth roughly. “I’m not ready. And Siva—he finally found love for me but he doesn’t think he can love a child yet. He’s going to be so mad,” I whisper the last part.

  I know Siva would never do anything to hurt me, or our child, but it upsets me he can’t see how good of a father he’ll be. I wish he’d stop thinking so badly of himself.

  Mae had disappeared and returns now with some damp paper towels. She begins to wipe my face clean.

  Alice takes my hand in hers. I look at her soft liver spotted hand. “It’ll be okay pet. I know it will. A child is a joyous miracle in life … except when they turn out like Mae,” she adds and manages to get me to crack a smile. “Everything will work out.”

  “I hope so,” I say softly.

  I wish I believed her.

  ***

  I walk into the flat and close the door behind me. The click of the door closing sounds like the ticking of a clock or maybe a time bomb.

  Tick. Tic
k. BOOM!

  “Honey!” calls Siva from the kitchen. I pass by a mirror and shudder at my appearance but there’s nothing I can do about it. “How did it go at the doctor’s?”

  Leave it to my overprotective husband to not forget I had a doctor’s appointment. When he looks up from putting a chicken in the oven he sees my face.

  He sucks in a breath and blurts, “Sloane? What is it? How bad is it? It’s not a bug, is it?” he shudders and looks down at the counter. “Are you going to be okay? Whatever it is, we’ll get through this. Together.”

  Tears leak out of my eyes. He continues to stare at the countertop. He repeats the question. “Are you going to be okay? Answer me!” he screams, his voice shrill with anxiousness and worry.

  I flinch.

  “In about nine months I’ll be okay.” I laugh. “More like seven and a half.”

  He looks up at me. Shock reflects in his violet eyes. “What are you saying?”

  “Please don’t make me say it,” I beg, shaking my head back and forth.

  “Say it!” he screams into the silent room.

  “We’re having a baby,” I whisper with a flinch.

  He closes his eyes and a look of pain shoots across his face. “How did this happen?” he asks, his voice is so eerily quiet I wish he would have yelled instead.

  “The typical way, Siva,” I snap.

  He smacks his fist on the counter. “You’re on the pill, Sloane! This isn’t supposed to happen! I told you I wasn’t ready to be a father! An innocent child doesn’t need to have me as its father! I’m not good enough for this! I’m not good enough for you,” he whispers the last part. He puts his hands on his hips and lets out a breath. “We agreed in a few years—”

  “You think I did this on purpose, don’t you!” I scream. “I’m not ready to be a mother! I’m just learning how to be a wife!” I shake my head back and forth. “I don’t want to bring a baby into a broken household where neither one of its parents want it.”

  He pales. “What are you saying? You’re not thinking about—”

  I glare at him. “Never! This is our baby, Siva!” I put my hand to my stomach.

  He clenches his teeth, his eyes zeroing in on in my hand placed protectively on my belly. “Then what are you saying?”

  I close my eyes and pull out the sonograms from my purse. I put them on the counter and slide it towards him. “This—” I point to the blur that is our baby “—changes things. Hearing our baby’s heartbeat—” I pause, gathering myself. “I’m saying if you don’t want to be a part of this—” I bite my lip and try to stop the tears. “I’ll do it on my own.”

  I walk away.

  “Sloane! Don’t walk away from me!”

  But I do. I pick up my keys and leave. I call Lyndi and cry myself to sleep on her couch.

  ***

  “What happened?” asks Lyndi sliding a cup of coffee across the breakfast table. I hold the warm cup between my hands.

  I sniffle. “We both kind of … freaked out.”

  “About what?” she asks and sipped her own coffee. “Surely the honeymoon stage isn’t over yet. You’ve been married for like two weeks.”

  I sigh and trace the rim of the coffee cup with my finger. “I’m pregnant,” I confess.

  Lyndi smiles and then frowns. “Shouldn’t this be good news?”

  “Maybe when you’re a normal couple but I think everyone knows we’re not normal.”

  “Sloane,” she murmurs consolingly.

  I put my head in my hands. “He doesn’t want this.”

  “Did he say that?” she asks.

  “No,” I hedge. “But … he … he freaked out like I knew he would. We had talked about this. He said he wasn’t ready and I agreed. We said in a few years we would talk about it. We wanted to enjoy being married. Falling in love … marrying me … it was a big step for him … a baby … I think it might be one step too many. I don’t want to lose him Lyndi. It’ll kill me. I love him too much.”

  “You should’ve stayed and talked to him. Leaving doesn’t solve anything. That only makes more issues.”

  I sigh and look up at her through my lashes. “Can I blame my actions on my hormones?”

  “No,” she says and laughs.

  “He probably hates me now. We both overreacted.”

  “Yeah, you did,” she agrees. She puts her hand over mine. “Go home. Talk to him.”

  I nod and wipe away a tear. I’ve done enough crying the past two days to fill a lake. I stand and gather my stuff. I straighten her futon and leave her tiny flat cleaner than when I got there.

  Lyndi leans against the door and looks at me. “It’ll be okay,” she assures me.

  I hope she’s right.

  ***

  Siva isn’t home.

  Jet isn’t either.

  The chicken is still in the oven. At least he remembered to turn it off.

  I rub my face and yawn. I really didn’t slept well on Lyndi’s futon but she had been kind enough to offer it to me with no questions asked. She really is a true friend.

  I go upstairs and find the bed hasn’t been slept in. I wonder where he went.

  I climb in the shower and stand under the water until my skin turns prunish. Clean and looking better I put on some pajamas and climb in bed. I can’t sleep though. The bed is far too big without Siva in it. Eventually, I cry myself to sleep while I hold his pillow.

  ***

  Siva doesn’t come home. He’s gone all day Friday too. He doesn’t return until late Friday evening. I hate how pathetically happy I am to see him. Jet is at his heels. Siva says nothing to me. He climbs under the covers and immediately puts his back to me. Jet sleeps on the floor. I cry myself to sleep again. Siva knows but he says nothing.

  In the morning I run smack into a naked Siva in my haste to empty my stomach. One would think it wouldn’t be awkward running into your naked husband but it is. He glares daggers at me as I throw up. In my mind I try to will him away. Finally, he grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist. I watch him disappear into the closet. He doesn’t say anything to me.

  When he finally emerges from the closet he’s dressed in a pair of loose khaki pants and a long sleeved knit blue shirt. The shirt is beautiful against his skin and brings out the color in his eyes. He’s so beautifully perfect in his imperfectness. Under normal circumstances I would lead him to the bed and proceed to undress him. But not now.

  “What is it?” I ask as he continues to stare at me.

  “We have to go to my dad’s house,” he announces.

  “Oh. Right. I forgot.”

  “I assumed. We’ll be home tomorrow night,” he informs me.

  “Okay,” I say, trying not to grumble.

  He walks out of the bathroom and then out of the room. Jet trails behind him. Traitor.

  I quickly make myself presentable and pack a bag. I know this weekend will be the catalyst of something. I just don’t know what.

  Siva throws my bag in the trunk and then slams it closed aggressively. I flinch at the noise.

  “Get in the car, Sloane,” he says when I continue to stand outside of it. Jet is in the back of the car and watches me solemnly. I finally open the car door and slide inside.

  “Sloane,” he says and turns to look at me. The car hums quietly in the garage. “This weekend is important to me. I may not want to do it but it’s important. I don’t want my father to know we’re having marital problems. Can you keep this from them?”

  I nod my head yes.

  The way he says marital problems bothers me. As if he’s already regretting marrying me. God, this is a clusterfuck.

  He says nothing to me the rest of the drive. The silence is killing me. I know from past visits with Dev the drive is quite long. Rajas lives a ways out of the city, on a bit of a cliff, overlooking a private stretch of beach. There’s nothing for miles around it. Rajas Kapur likes his privacy… probably so he can throw his son out the window without notice.

  Any time I risk a
glance at Siva his jaw is clenched tightly and his knuckles are white on the steering wheel.

  At least I’m not the only one who’s clearly not enjoying themselves.

  Siva cracks the back window and Jet sticks his nose out of it.

  Siva has taken the dog news pretty well but not the baby. No … the baby had been too much.

  Unconsciously, I put my hand to my stomach.

  Oh, Sloane, you always knew how to ruin a good thing.

  For something to do I pull out my cellphone and type my mom an email. There are several worried ones from her in my inbox and I feel bad for not being better about checking them. I got distracted on our honeymoon, and once we got back … well.

  Siva turns on the radio.

  I sigh.

  He sighs.

  I read a magazine.

  He glares at me and then turns the radio up louder.

  It’s going to be a long weekend … and Rajas hasn’t even been added to the equation yet.

  ***

  The massive four-story, modern, white, glass house emerges as if from ashes. Siva clenches his jaw as we approach. I don’t think it has anything to do with me this time.

  It’s the afternoon and the sun reflects brightly against the mostly glass house.

  Siva drives up the steep driveway. Glancing at the side of his face I can tell he looks scared. I’ve never seen such a look on his face before. He parks the car and sighs. He rubs his hand over his face.

  I want to comfort him but I’m scared he’ll lash out at me.

  “It’s two days,” he finally mutters. He glances over at me. I see many emotions flicker through his violet gaze. Pain, anger, sadness. Finally, he climbs out of the car, calls, “Come on, Jet,” and grabs our bags.

  I sniffle, trying to fight my tears. I unbuckle my seatbelt and climb out. Siva is already rolling our bags to the door. Jet walks at his heels.