Mr. Punch's Irish Humour in Picture and Story

by Ellis Parker Butler

  _Mick ("boots" at the Ballyragg Hotel, knocking at visitor's door at four a.m.)._ "Fwhat toime wud ye wish to be called this morrnun', sorr?"]

  PUNCH'S FOLK-LORE

  ST. PATRICK'S DAY

  The season of spring gives us lamb and violets, salmon and patronsaints. St. David and St. Patrick are commemorated in March, St. Georgeonly waits until April. (Of this last-named saint a very careful noticehas for some time been in preparation, to include six autobiographicalanecdotes of his boyish days, a selection from his unpublishedcorrespondence with his laundress, and an authentic portrait of hischief antagonist--the Dragon.)

  SUNDAY AT THE ZOO.--"Excuse me, sorr; but can ye direct me to the goin' out intrance?"]

  St. Patrick's Day! the heart leaps up with uncontrolled delight, and aflood of popular airs comes rushing o'er the brain. What reminiscencesof by-gone days invade the territory of the mind! All the populationof Dublin, headed by the Lord-Lieutenant and Ulster King-at-Arms,abroad at daybreak, looking for four-leaved shamrocks in the Ph[oe]nixPark, and singing Moore's _Melodies_ in unison; an agreeable mixtureof whiskey and water provided in unlimited quantities in every markettown in Ireland, the expense of the water being defrayed out ofthe Consolidated Fund; the Lord Mayor of Dublin presented with a newshillelagh of polished oak, bound with brass, purchased by the unitedcontributions of every grown-up citizen bearing the name of Patrick;the constabulary in new boots; a public dinner on the Blarney Stone,and a fancy-dress ball on the Wicklow Mountains! These are but afew of the marks of distinction showered on this memorable day byErin's grateful sons and daughters, who owe to St. Patrick two of thegreatest distinctions that ever befell them--freedom from serpents,snakes, scorpions, efts, newts, tadpoles, chameleons, salamanders,daddy-long-legs, and all other venomous reptiles, and instruction insix lessons, in "the true art of mixing their liquor, an art," it hasbeen well observed, "which has never since been lost."

  This leaning of the Saint to potheen is viewed, however, by one sectionof the community with manifest displeasure--the Temperance and TeetotalSocieties--who remain indoors the whole of the day with the blindsclosely drawn down and straw in front of their houses, and employ paidemissaries to distribute tracts amongst their excitable countrymen.

  _Irish porter (thrusting his head into a compartment as the train stops at small, dingy, ill-lit country station)._ "Is thur annybody there for here?"]

  The notorious fact that St. Patrick lived to be considerably morethan a hundred, cut a wisdom tooth at ninety-eight, never had a day'sillness in his life, was possessed of funded property, and could seeto read without spectacles until within six weeks of his untimely end(caused by a fall from a cherry tree), speaks libraries for the tonicand salubrious qualities of that stimulating spirit, which has eversince his day been known and highly appreciated under the name of"L.L.," or Long Livers' Whiskey.

  A curious custom is kept up by the Knights of the Order of St. Patrick(founded by King Brian Boroo the Fourteenth) on the morning of thisday, the origin of which is lost among the wilds of Connemara. Beforeit is light the Knights all go up in their robes and shamrocks, oneby one, into the belfry of the Cathedral, and toll the great bell onehundred and twenty-three times, the exact number of years to which theSaint, in forgetfulness of Sir George Cornwall Lewis and the Editor of_Notes and Queries_, is said to have attained. They then parade theprincipal streets of Dublin on piebald horses, preceded by a band ofmusic and the Law Officers of the Crown, and disperse at a moment'snotice, no one knows where.

  GRANDILOQUENCE.--_Captain of schooner._ "What 'a' you got there, Pat?"

  _Pat (who has been laying in some firewood and potatoes)._ "Timber and fruit, yer honour!!"]

  St. Patrick's tastes were athletic. He had a wart on his forehead, anda cousin in the militia; and displayed a profound acquaintance with thelaws of short whist, then in its infancy. He was an early riser, a deepthinker, and a careless dresser, and foresaw, with an eagle glance, thegradual development of the railway system, while his declining yearswere soothed by the devoted attentions of some of the oldest familiesin Ireland.

  * * * * *

  NEW BULLS _v._ OLD COWS.--At the Thames Police Court Mr. Bensoncondemned the owner and vendor of a quantity of old Irish cow beef topenalties for selling meat unfit for human consumption. This should bea warning to all whom it may concern, that though new Irish bulls maybe introduced freely, and even be relished in this country, there is notoleration for old Irish cows on this side St. George's Channel.

  * * * * *

  _Irish Driver._ "Yes, yer 'onner, it's a nasty bit o'road, it is, an' it's likely ye are to 'ave a fall out, if ye aren't drivin' careful!"]

  "CIRCUMSTANTIAL."--_Counsel for the Prisoner._ "And you tell me, sir, you saw that blind, helpless fiddler kick the prosecutor on the head along with his other assailants?"

  _Witness._ "I did, surr! In the thick o' the shindy, I seen the ould vagabone a-feelin' round an' round that honest poor man down on the flewer till he'd found a vacancy, whin he ups wid his fut an' lits fly, the divil's own shoe-full clane into the centre ov't!!!"]

  "HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL----."--_Irish Landlord (in distressed district, who had paid compensation for not receiving his rents, and was sinking his capital in draining-works, and otherwise "disturbing" his tenants)._ "Well, Pat, I hope, with a good harvest, we shall get on without all this 'relief' next season----"

  _Pat (an optimist)._ "Och, plaze heaven, yer honour, we'll have another bad year yet!!"]

  WHEN YOU _ARE_ ABOUT IT.--_Magister Familias (parting with his butler)._ "Here is the letter, Flanagan. I can conscientiously say you are honest and attentive, but I should have to stretch a point if I were to say you are sober."

  _Mr. Flanagan._ "Thank you, sor. But when you _are_ afther strritchin' a point, sor, wouldn't you, plase, sthritch it a little further, and say I'm _aften_ sober!!"]

  LEVELLING UP.--_Subaltern (just arrived by rail)._ "How much to the barracks?" _Car-driver_. "Ah, shure, thin, captin, the manest ov 'em gives me t'ree and sixpence!"]

  "So this is your native place, Pat?"

  "Yes, your riverence--that is, _par-r-t of the toime_!"]

  "A PRIVATE VIEW."--_Pat._ "What d'ye think of the Home Rule Bill, Murphy?" _Murphy (puzzled)._ "Begorra, if it means staying at home with the ould woman every blessed day, home rule won't do for me at all, at all!"]

  P.I.P.

  (_Perfectly Impossible Pulp_)

  THE ROYAL VISIT TO IRELAND

  No doubt some of our readers have been, at one time or another, inIreland, especially those who were born there. It is hoped, however,that the following notes may be of some value to those whose attentionhas now for the first time been attracted to this country by the King'svisit.

  Many, however, will remember that not very long ago Ireland was thescene of perhaps the most bloodless and humane motor-car encounters ofmodern times.

  The inhabitants of the island (who consist of men, women, and childrenof both sexes) are full of native character. They are generally fond ofanimals, especially pigs and "bulls." These latter wear what is knownas a Celtic fringe on the forehead.

  The principal exports are emigrants, M.P.s, shamrocks, DublinFusiliers, Field Marshals, real lace, and cigars.

  A full list of "Previous Royal Visits to Ireland and other Countries"will be found in another column of some other paper.

  _Irish Chambermaid (indignantly, to gay Lothario who has tried to snatch a kiss and been foiled)._ "Ye dare! If it wasn't for soilin' me hands wid ye I'd kick ye downstairs!"]

  Dublin is the capital of the country, and is pronounced very much likethe English word "doubling," with the final "g" omitted.

  The tourist will find the language difficulty comparatively easy, asEnglish is now spoken in most of the large shops.

  A few phrases, such as "Erin go bragh," "Begorra ye spalpeen," "Acushlamavourneen,"
&c., are easily learnt, and the trouble involved is amplyrepaid in the simple joy of the natives on hearing a foreigner speaktheir own language.

  PROOF

  _Master._ "Pat, I must say you're very contradictory."

  _Pat (emphatically)._ "I am not, sorr!"]

  English gold is accepted in Ireland, and the rate of exchange worksout at twenty shillings to the sovereign. Two sixpences will always beaccepted in lieu of a shilling.

  N.B.--To avoid disappointment to naturalists and others we think itright to mention that since the late raid of St. Patrick there are nosnakes of first-rate quality in Ireland.

  AFTER A SHOOT IN COUNTY CLARE

  _Master._ "Well, Paddy, what sort of a bag?"

  _Paddy._ "Well, yer honour, countin' the rabbits, there is nine distinct spaycies o' birds!"]

  "THE FINEST PLEASANTRY IN THE WORLD"

  [" ... the Court was in an uproar from the moment the magistratestook their seats.... Counsel for the Crown was rudely interrupted bythe defendants ... much to the delight of the crowd.... After someparticularly riotous scenes the police were called on to clear thecourt.... One of the defendants was supplied with meat and bread incourt."--_Globe._]

  _Counsel for the Crown._ The prisoners are charged----

  _A Defendant._ Charged a dale too much for their accommodation. Oi'dloike a bit o' lunch to go on wid. Oi havn't aten a morsel since lasttime.

  [_Loud cries of "Shame on the polis for shtarvin' of um!" "Shtick up for yer roights, avick!" "To h----wid the magisthrates!"_

  _Chairman of the Bench._ If these observations are repeated, I shallclear the court.

  _Second Defendant._ Arrah thin, clear yer own muddy brain first!

  _Chairman (indignantly)._ Are these indecent interruptions to continue?

  _Third Defendant._ 'Coorse they are.

  This is Mr. Denis O'Brien, who claims descent from the ancient kings of Ireland. But his pretensions just now do not soar above _half_ a crown.]

  _First Defendant._ Oi tell ye O'im shtarvin for me lunch. Oi'll take asandwich and a shmall bottle o' porther.

  [_Refreshments brought in by order of the magistrates. Defendants indulge in a sort of "free-and-easy" picnic in the solicitors' well, after which they light dirty clay pipes. Crowd bursts into loud cheers._

  _Counsel for the Crown (resuming)._ As I was saying, the defendants arecharged with intimidation in this neighbourhood, and so complete hasbeen their system that up to the present moment none of our witnesseshave dared to venture near the precincts of the court. We have,however, now endeavoured to get them here by the aid of the police anda small covered van. If we succeed in this----

  _First Defendant._ Ye will not. Whativer decision these fat-headedmagistrates give, we shan't obey ut. Even if they acquitted us, _wewouldn't walk out o' the coort_! Ould Oireland for iver!

  [_Vociferous cheering, in the midst of which the court was cleared, and the magistrates, under police protection, left for home._

  * * * * *

  "Sure, Terence, if yez go to the front, kape at the back, or ye'll be kilt, O' know ut!"

  "Faith, an' isn't that the way Oi get my livin'?"]

  _Father O'Flynn._ "And now, Pat Murphy, in this season of Lent, what is it ye'll do by way of penance?"

  _Pat Murphy._ "Sure, then, I'll--I'll come an' hear your riverance prayche!"]

  _The Vicar._ "I have not seen your husband at church lately, Mrs. Murphy."

  _Mrs. Murphy._ "Well, sir, I'm sorry to say as my old man is _enjoying_ very bad 'ealth at present!"]

  THE WONDERS OF THE DEEP

  _Paddy._ "Be jabers! the forrst thoime I iver saw rid hirrins swimmin' about aloive before!"]

  DECIMALS ON DECK

  _Irish Mate._ "How manny iv ye down ther-re?!"

  _Voice from the Hold._ "Three, sor!"

  _Mate._ "Thin half iv ye come up here immadiately!"]

  _Irish Maid._ "Do you want a good beating, Master Jimmy, or do you not? Because, if you don't behave yourself this minute--_you'll get both_!"]

  _Mistress._ "Poor darling little Topsy! I'm afraid she will never recover. Do you know, Bridget, I think the kindest thing would be to have her shot, and put her out of her misery!"

  _Bridget._ "'Deed, mam, I wouldn't do that. Sure she _might_ get better after all, an' then ye'd be sorry ye'd had her kill'd!"]

  * * * * *

  THE SAXON OPPRESSOR.--_Saxon Tourist._ "I suppose the English buy allthe pigs that you wish to sell?"

  _Irish Peasant._ "They do. Bad luck to 'em, the toirants!"

  * * * * *

  FROM SHANNON SHORE.--We extract the following momentous announcementfrom the _Western Daily Press_:--

  "An Irish Member tells me that the motor craze is causing a revival of the Limerick lace trade. This particular kind of lace is, it is said, the best protection that a lady can have for her complexion when she is engaged in breaking the speech limit."

  The information must be authentic, for there is no authority like anIrish Member where the "speech limit" is concerned.

  * * * * *

  AN IRISH BULL ON THE LINE.--"The directors of the Dublin, Wicklowand Wexford Railway Company are prepared to receive tenders for thepurchase of about 750 tons of old steel rails and permanent way scrap.The directors do not bind themselves to accept the _lowest_ or anytender."--[Italics by _Mr. Punch_.]

  * * * * *

  FROM ERIN

  _Restaurant Waiter._ "Bill, sorr? Yes, sorr. It's foive-and-sixpence including the cigyar, and that makes six shillings, sorr!"]

  "A WORD AND A BLOW!"--_First Gent (Celt)._ "Ye met'm at me brother's, the mimber, I think?"

  _Second Gent (Saxon)._ "Yes, but I haven't any favourable impression of him--'n fact--um--he struck me as a liar."

  _First Gent._ "Did he, thin?! I hope ye hit'm back, surr!"]

  BOYS AT PLAY (AFTER AN EXECUTION).--_First Kilkenny "Boy."_ "Did ye see the cock-fightin' at Pat Daly's lasst night?"

  _Second Kilkenny "Boy."_ "I did not."

  _First Kilkenny "Boy."_ "Did ye see the 'boys' 'suffer-r,' this mornin'?"

  _Second Kilkenny "Boy" (listlessly)._ "I did not."

  _First Kilkenny "Boy."_ "Ah, thin, ye take no delight out o' yerself, at all, at all!"]

  _Dooley._ "What's the matter wid ye anyhow, Mick--all tattered an' torrun an' bitten an' scratched all over?"

  _Mick._ "Ay, an' me own dog done it! I want home sober last noight, an' the baste _didn't know me_!"]

  _Pat (who has been acting as guide, and has been pointing out the devil's this and the devil's that for the last two hours)._ "An' _that's_ the devil's puch-bowl, yer anner."

  _Tourist._ "The devil seems to own a good deal of property about here, Pat!"

  _Pat._ "Ye're roight, yer anner. But, loike most av the other landlords, he spinds most av his toime in London!"]

  _Traveller._ "Get on, man; get on! Wake up your nag."

  _Driver._ "Shure, sorr, I haven't the heart to bate him."

  _Traveller._ "What's the matter with him? Is he sick?"

  _Driver._ "No, sor, he's not _sick_, but it's unlucky 'e is, sor, unlucky! You see, sor, every morning, afore I put 'im in the car, I tosses 'im whether '_e_ll have a feed of oats, or _I_'ll have a dhrink of whisky, _an' the poor baste has lost five mornings running_!"]

  A SAFE WIN (?)

  _Pat (in corner, to chaffing friend, who knows him to have backed beaten horse)_. "Goin' to lose, am Oi! Faith, an' Oi'm not! Shure, Oi've got a troifle on every blissed horse in the race!"]

  A PLEASANT PROSPECT.--_Traveller (in Ireland)._ "Hi,--pull her up, man! Don't you see the mare is running away?"

  _Paddy._ "Hould tight, yer 'onor! For yer life don't touch the reins!--sure they're as rotten as pea
rs! I'll turn her into the river at the bridge below here! Sure that'll stop her, the blagyard!"]

  _Irish Waiter (to bow-legged traveller in the coffee-room)._ "Big pardon, sor. Hadn't your honour better move a little further from the foire?"

  _Traveller (fiercely)._ "Eh? Wha' for? Wha'd ye mean!?"

  _Irish Waiter._ "Och shure, sor, yer legs is warpin'!--Och! phew! most turrible!"]

  DOMESTIC TRAINING.--_District Visitor_. "Well, Mrs. Murphy, I'm glad to hear your daughter has got a place as parlour-maid. Do you think she'll be up to the work?"

  _Mrs. Murphy._ "Ah, thin, why wouldn't she? Sure, isn't she used to the ways at home?"]

  A LITERAL FACT.--_The Young Master (to new valet from the Emerald Isle)._ "I say, confound you, what have you been doing with my boots here?" (_The night had been rainy._)

  _Pat._ "Shure, sorr, you tould me lasst evening to putt 'm on the thrays!"]

  IRISH ARCHITECTURE.--_Angler (in Ireland)._ "Hullo, Pat, what are you about now?"

  _Pat._ "Shure, I'm raisin' me roof a bit, yer honour-r!!"]

  BLARNEY.--_Tall Yankee (just arrived)._ "Guess your legal fare is just sixpence----"

  _Dublin Carman._ "Sure, me lord, we take some chape jacks at that--but I wouldn't disgrace a gintleman av your lordship's quality be drivin' him at a mane pace t'rough the public sthreets--so I tuk upon myself to give your lordship a shillin'sworth both av stoyle an' whipcard!!"]

  WORD-PAINTING.--_Sportsman (who has just lost a good fish)._ "That was a good one, Tim."