by Marie, Carly
The last sentence hit me hard. "You were going to ignore it? Just pretend it wasn't something you were interested in?"
Grayson's eyes widened and even in the dim lighting from the streetlights nearby, I saw him pale. "I just… It's weird. Ya know? It wasn't like I knew for sure I was interested in it before tonight, and if you weren't, I would be just as happy with what we normally do here." He winced. "Shit, that sounds so bad when I say it out loud."
I nodded. It sounded terrible.
"Until tonight, I had no idea if I'd actually like it or if it was something my subspace brain had manufactured. I hadn't expected to run into Caleb and Aiden and Logan. I'd expected to come, watch for a bit, then have a conversation about it with you. I was more than half-convinced that it would feel weird to me and it wouldn't warrant more than an awkward laugh as we left."
"But it didn't feel weird, did it?" I asked him, truly interested in his answer.
For his part, Grayson took a moment to respond, eventually shaking his head slowly. "At first it was strange, but then it just felt right. It was nice to let everything go. To not think so much about everything. It's like when you bend me over the spanking bench or strap me to the St. Andrew's cross. Everything quieted down, but instead of being followed by a delicious pain, it was followed by intoxicating fun… fun like I haven't had in, well, possibly ever. As weird as it sounds, it left me feeling the same as after a heavy session, without the weird subspace and drop and exhaustion that usually follows that."
With the weight of the admission off his chest, Grayson sighed heavily and sank into the seat. "I really didn't expect tonight to go like it did. I really did think we'd be able to talk before it got to that point."
Flurries of snow dotted the windshield and I put the car into gear once more. We weren't supposed to get much snow, but I wanted to make sure that we were on our way home if it got worse. Tennessee wasn't easy to navigate with snowfall. We'd lived in places that got a lot of snow, so we were both good at navigating snowy roads; however, most drivers around here weren't.
I took the few seconds between the parking lot and the street to gather my thoughts, and once I merged onto the street, I began to speak. "I think I understand your logic, and I do understand that the night hadn't gone the way you expected it to. Truthfully, I'm kind of glad we knew people. Trent and Travis were… helpful."
And they had been. They'd explained what being little meant for their boys, and Trent had explained to me all about Logan discovering puppy play. They had fascinating relationships, but I'd been too overwhelmed to really process everything they'd told me in the beginning. Thankfully, they’d seemed to realize I'd been overwhelmed and had repeated anything I'd missed, and answered countless questions I’d had.
It had been a shock to see Caleb as a bubbly, playful boy and not a quiet man who oftentimes came off as painfully shy. Travis had been helpful in explaining that this was the way Caleb let all the adult shit go. Trent had echoed his sentiments, though in some cases, little was replaced with puppy for Logan, who I learned was Curious as a pup.
At one point, as Grayson had rolled around on the floor with Logan, Trent had chuckled. "I think you might have a puppy as well. Logan would love that."
I'd squinted my eyes, focusing hard on my husband. Trent wasn't wrong. Grayson had seemed to be having as much fun rolling around on the ground and growling with Logan as he'd been having earlier while playing with Caleb and Aiden.
Travis had spoken up a few minutes later. "You're worried."
I remembered shaking my head, never taking my eyes off my husband. "I'm not worried, per se. I'm trying to figure out who Gray is. I've never seen him like this before."
Travis had hummed, and from the corner of my eye I saw Trent smile. "For what it's worth, I get the impression your husband is figuring this out as well."
At the time, the words hadn't provided much comfort, but looking at how nervous Grayson had become since he'd stopped playing, the realization that neither of us had a clue what we were doing helped. "You're figuring everything out too."
"It looked interesting. I just didn't know how to tell you. I thought…" His words trailed off as he figured out what he wanted to say. "I thought it might be fun, and I wanted to see if I could see myself little. But I was afraid you wouldn't want a third kid. You juggle so much as it is."
My heart broke for my husband. He'd been keeping a lot inside, and I hadn't been able to assure him that the two of us were a package deal. It didn't matter if it was wrapped with leather, rope, or play clothes, we were always going to be together.
Before I could gather enough thoughts to respond, Grayson continued. "But we got there tonight and Caleb and Logan and Aiden were there, and I forgot all about just watching. That's all I wanted to do: watch and see how it felt. If it was something I thought I might enjoy, then I'd talk to you. But I got sidetracked when I saw them."
Despite how serious Grayson was being, I couldn't help but smile. He'd been so nervous when we walked in, but as soon as he'd sat down and rested his head on my leg, tension had left his body. When he'd recognized Caleb, his posture had subtly changed. He’d become… if I had to take a guess, excited. It hadn't been long before they noticed him, and as soon as they tried to bring him into their game, the nervousness melted away completely. He hadn't stopped smiling the entire time they played.
"I liked it," he said after a brief pause when I hadn't said anything.
I nodded. "I'd have to be blind to not see that."
Grayson's eyes flicked over to mine. "Are you totally freaked out?"
If this was what had him so upset, I could handle that, and I felt my heart rate slow. "Absolutely not." That was an easy answer, and clearly the right one. Grayson beamed, and had it not been for the seatbelt holding him in place, I thought he would have wiggled himself straight off the seat.
We made it onto the highway before Grayson said anything else, and I'd been content to let him think. "I should have told you it was a theme night."
My laugh was too loud for the car, but it had been that or saying, No shit, Sherlock, and I hadn't thought that would be helpful. What I did say surprised even me. "You really should have. But maybe my naughty boy was just looking for a punishment?"
Grayson let out a strangled moan and I watched him wiggle in his seat. There was no way my husband could ever be the sweet, innocent boy who didn't get himself into trouble. He liked spankings way too much.
"You know, I wasn't actually looking for a punishment." He sighed as he gathered his thoughts. "Part of me felt it was too good to be true. Like, there was no way it could actually be fun to dress up in cute clothes and play with toys."
There was a but coming—I knew it.
"But as I got dressed tonight, something felt right. Then we got to DASH, and it… it was perfect." He'd nearly whispered the last words, and I'd had to strain to hear them over the road noise. I was looking forward to actually getting off the highway, and thankfully our exit was coming up.
I didn't respond until I'd pulled onto the road that would eventually lead us to our house. It gave me time to gather my thoughts anyway, and I certainly had a lot of them, but the prevailing ones centered around my husband having found something that seemed to click with him, no matter how unexpected it had been for me.
Had I seen myself as his Daddy before that night? No.
Could I see myself as his Daddy moving forward? Well, that wasn't as easy to answer, but I wasn't opposed to it. It would be a new dynamic in our relationship that I hadn't considered before. As I thought about it more, I couldn't figure out why I'd never thought about it in the past. Daddy/boy relationships weren't uncommon, and Grayson loved structure. It was probably one of the reasons he'd been so interested in BDSM.
Another thought popped into my head—coming to bed Thanksgiving night. It had been a crazy day spent with my brother and Dexter. Sugar highs and food comas, the kids had had a few meltdowns from the activities, and he'd called it a night sho
rtly after we’d gotten the kids in bed. I'd walked into our room an hour later to find him buried under the blankets, his thumb pressed firmly in his mouth.
My smile came back. His thumb finding its way to his mouth wasn't new, though he was incredibly self-conscious about it and tried not to let it happen. Not to say that every person who sucked their thumb past childhood had little tendencies, but it helped me see my husband in a different light. His love of praise, the way he gave snuggles so freely, the way he loved with everything he had. I didn't know why exactly, but imagining him as a little wasn't as surprising anymore.
As my thoughts began to gain some semblance of order, I felt more confident. "You've always liked BDSM, but I think we can both admit that something has never felt exactly right for you, or us. We've been happy trying new things, and I love that you trust me enough to experience these things with me, but nothing ever stuck. That doesn't mean variety isn't a good thing, but I think you've been looking for something that fits for a long time. Despite being surprised for a little bit when we first got to DASH tonight, I'm not at all turned off or against it."
I couldn't see Grayson, but I heard his sigh. "You're right. Nothing’s ever really clicked for me. Then you were taking me to the aftercare room a few months ago and I saw the littles' area. I remember wanting to go in and play with the toys, but my brain and mouth weren't working together at the time. When I came down, I was too confused to talk about it."
"I can understand why that would be difficult to talk about." I parked in the garage. The snow had begun to fall even harder as we'd approached the house and I didn't feel like cleaning snow off the car in order to go get the kids in the morning.
Grayson made no move to get out of the car, even as I unbuckled my seatbelt. "I'll come around," I said to him as I stepped out. To my surprise, Grayson did nothing more than unbuckle his belt before I made it around the car and opened his door.
As soon as he was out, he burrowed himself into my arms and sighed. "My head is confused right now."
I hummed because I could fully understand that feeling. My head was confused as well. "Let's go inside. I'll make us a drink and we can talk." I knew that BDSM and drinking shouldn't mix, but we were only talking, and I thought that both of us could use something to help loosen our tongues. If nothing else, it would help us communicate a little more easily.
We made it into the house, and I watched as Grayson removed his shoes and coat and put them in the closet. I took a long look at the outfit he'd put on before we left and my chest filled with warmth while my dick plumped in my jeans. The soft cotton pants hugged his ass perfectly, and the brightly colored socks added a layer of fun to the outfit that I rarely saw from him. Maybe I'd begun to see him in a different light or maybe I was seeing something I'd simply overlooked for years, but whatever it was, the entire look suited him.
He followed me into the kitchen and climbed up onto the high barstool that sat at our island. His bright socks swinging above the ground had a smile on my face. Sippy cups and bottles had been gone from our house for years, but at that moment, I wished we still had a few around. I wanted to see how he'd react to me sliding a cup of milk across the island to him instead of the Old Fashioned that I'd been planning to make.
The picture in my head was so clear it felt like it was something we'd done before. I could see myself as Gray's Daddy, if that was something he wanted.
I kept my eye on Grayson as I headed to our liquor cabinet to pull the bourbon and bitters out. My poor freeze baby was shivering before I even made it to the cabinet. I made a quick detour to the living room to grab one of the countless blankets always on the couch in the winter months and found a pile right where I'd expected it to be.
A red-and-black plaid fleece was on the top of the stack, and I'd already begun to reach for it when a brightly colored blanket with dragons on it caught my eye. We'd had the thing for years, and until that night I'd never given it a second thought. My husband loved dragons. He loved reading the kids stories about them, and he bought them for my office, swearing the patients would love them. I'd given up on reminding him that children, other than our own, were rare in my office.
The collection had grown so vast that I'd started decorating exam rooms with various dragon toys. The administrator almost lost his cool when he noticed the shelves of toys in the rooms that the cleaning staff had begun dusting at night. I'd nearly had to take them down but parents had called and emailed about how much they liked the items. I hadn't thought about how sterile our exam rooms were until that point, and I had my husband and his obsession with dragons to thank for the happy families.
But was Grayson's love of dragons more than just a simple case of them being something he liked? Had they always been a way to connect to something less adult? Or was it just a coincidence that he'd chosen the dragon-themed outfit that night? I had no idea, but I grabbed the dragon blanket and headed back toward the kitchen.
It only took a few seconds to grab the ingredients from the cabinet then head back to the island. Before I set to work, I wrapped the blanket around Grayson and listened as he sighed happily. "Thank you."
"Anytime," I answered as I picked up two tumblers.
Chapter Four
Grayson
I watched as Spencer set to work making our drinks. He always looked so confident. "What if I said that I liked tonight?" I asked him before I'd even had a sip of alcohol. I hadn't intended to ask the question, but it had come out without my brain's input.
Spencer lifted a shoulder. "What if I told you I already knew you did?"
My mouth opened to respond, but no words came out, so I snapped it shut.
He slid the glass across the island, then propped his ass against the opposite countertop. "Is it something you want to explore more?"
Yes. But that word was too hard to get out. Spencer must have read my thoughts because a small smile spread across his lips. "You know, it's okay. You don't need to have everything figured out right now. I sure as hell don't have all my thoughts in order. What I do know is that you had fun tonight. You liked playing with the boys and Logan."
"I was the dragon." Where had that come from? Dammit, I'd only had a sip of the drink and already my tongue was acting of its own accord.
The smile that spread across Spencer's lips was genuine. "Now that makes sense. I could very easily see you having fun being a dragon."
His easy acceptance made it easier to open up. "I was protecting the prince from Curious."
Spencer continued to smile as he sipped on his drink, waiting to see if I was going to say anything. I hated silence, so I brought my glass to my mouth and sipped while thinking about what to say next.
What did he need to know? What did I want to tell him? I had no idea where to start. Why did this have to be so hard?
Sensing my unease, Spencer put me out of my misery. "We can get some stuff for here and see what you like."
My eyes widened. "Really?" Shit, that hadn't been what I'd meant to say. My mouth and brain were not working together and it was going to get me in trouble. "Wait—"
"Of course we can."
"We can? I mean… Shit. Spencer, you have too much on your plate to be my… fuck, I don't even know what."
"Your Daddy?" Why didn't he sound more irritated with me? I'd thrown a lot at him—he had every right to be.
"I guess so, yeah. You're a pediatric cardiologist. You need to come home and relax, not take care of me."
He tipped the last of his drink back and set the empty glass on the counter beside him. "So, let me get this straight. I've got too much on my plate to watch you play with toys and maybe give you a bath or a bottle but not too much to take you to the club, bend you over a spanking bench to flog you, and provide aftercare?"
Dammit, why did he have to sound so reasonable? I picked my glass up and drank it in one go, not paying attention to how much I'd had left. The burn of the alcohol as it went down gave me a few seconds to gather my thoughts. Of course, my th
oughts sounded no better after a pause. "No… I mean, yes… I mean, fuck, I have no idea what I mean. Why are you taking this so well?"
Spencer walked around the island and wrapped his arms around me. "Do you remember how freaked out you were when you brought up going to DASH the first time?"
I chuckled but nodded my head. I'd had to get myself drunk at dinner one night to even bring the subject up with him.
"Did you scare me away that time?"
I shook my head. Actually, after he'd finished laughing his ass off at my drunken antics, he'd taken the admission startlingly well. Apparently, there was something that was simply too funny to be mad at about your husband drunkenly hiding under a blanket—in a dark room, no less—because he thought it would make him invisible while he admitted to flogging fantasies.
I looked down at my empty glass of bourbon. Maybe I hadn't matured all that much in the last five years. At least this time we had the lights on?
Spencer's lips made contact with my head. "Babe, there's nothing you could say, do, or admit that would make me love you any less. Sure, I've never thought of being your Daddy, but I'd never thought of bending you over a spanking bench to flog you either. I did it, and I enjoyed it. I like knowing I'm giving you something others can't. I like knowing we have something special that only we share. I don't see why this would be any different."
"What will you get out of it?" Maybe the crackers hadn't been enough between dinner and now to buffer the alcohol because I was already starting to feel the effects, and with that, my filter was shutting off.
Spencer lifted a shoulder. "I'm not really sure at this point. But I know I loved watching you tonight. Even slightly confused and maybe a little overwhelmed for a bit, I liked knowing you were happy. If that's as much as I ever get out of being your Daddy, it will be enough." He hummed as he thought of something. "You know what? That gave me a lot, actually. More than I even realized. I felt good knowing that you were happy and having fun. I was pleased you were so relaxed. I felt those things even though I wasn't directly interacting with you. Trent and Travis told me that they love giving their boys baths, and showers, and actually doing things for them: making meals, making sure they take care of themselves, setting schedules. Those are all things I could actively do for you, and I really do think I'd enjoy that."
