Trusting Again

by Lo'Ren A Mayler

  “What are you doing here? Don’t you have class?” Mia asked as she stood up.

  Nikki knew Mia was right, she should be at class, but all she would miss was waiting for everyone to change. She planned to be back in time to start class.

  “What was that all about?” Nikki gestured out the door, “You can’t talk to me now? Is this about the other night?”

  Mia didn’t know why Nikki had followed her, let alone what she was upset about.

  “Excuse me? You are the one that decided to remove me from athletic counselor. Now you’re saying I would have been perfect for the job? You didn’t care that it would look bad for me or present a problem for me possibly getting a more permanent position.”

  Nikki’s mouth hung open. One eyebrow had skyrocketed. Her face contorted, she looked completely flabbergasted.

  “Me being here is temporary. I was not offered a position past the end of the school year. I’m basically on probation. Richard is to advise the board if I am a good fit at the end of the year. Not getting along with current staff members,” she pointed at Nikki, “could hinder that.”

  “I’m sorry. I had no idea. I thought you were offered the job from the beginning. I only had you removed because you didn’t want to meet with the athletes. It had nothing to do with your competency.”

  Mia didn’t know what to believe. Perhaps Nikki didn’t know or maybe she didn’t care to find out. She never bothered to ask.

  Nikki took a step towards Mia. She had to take a chance. Friday night she thought Mia was out of reach. Now, after feeling the response to her touch, how could she not try?

  “It is no secret I care for you Mia. Why would I want you to lose your job here? Then I would lose you too.”

  “Maybe your girlfriend put you up to it. Maybe you really were ignorant to my situation. Or maybe you just didn’t care. No matter the reason, I am looking for employment elsewhere. You won’t have to worry about tip toeing around me anymore. I won’t be here.”

  She took a step back, keeping her distance from Nikki. Don’t touch her. Don’t look at her. Don’t want her. No matter how many warning bells went off in Mia’s mind she could never think straight when it came to Nikki.

  “Girlfriend? Mia what are you talking about? You are the only woman I have any interest in. I told you when we went to the bar I was single. It’s only you. What would make you think…”

  Suddenly it came to her, Nikki remembered all the buddy-buddy conversations Sam was having with Mia. The hugs and innocent touches. Son of a…

  “Nikki maybe you were single then, but Sam already told me about you two. Back when she told me she wanted to be friends. I feel bad enough about the other night. Sam has been nothing but nice to me and here I am necking with her girl in the school parking lot.”

  Chancing another step forward, Nikki hoped to make Mia smile, “I don’t remember necking, but that is a nice visual.” Nikki smiled as she thought of their night. Both of them seemed frozen for an instant at the mention of Friday’s events. Flashes of kisses and skin filled Nikki’s mind. Shaking the image off, Nikki continued, “Mia, I have never dated Sam. She is my assistant coach. THAT IS ALL. I only want YOU. Is that why you said we couldn’t be more than friends?”

  Mia didn’t know what to say. Who should she believe? She was taking the word of someone she had barely met. In all honesty, she didn’t know anything about Sam. She didn’t know if Sam was trustworthy. Mia was so willing to believe anything that made Nikki look bad. Anything defamation of character, any shred of proof that would keep Nikki at arm’s length. Mia never stopped to consider the source.

  Nikki continued to close the distance between them as Mia spoke, “I’m sorry, but after everything we have been through I am having a hard time trusting you. You have went behind my back and betrayed me too many times.” Mia looked crestfallen, “Nikki what does it matter anymore? At the end of the year I will be gone. There is no reason to fight anymore. No need to continue this merry go round of pain. So, why are you here? I give up. You win, as always.”

  Mia dropped both of her arms to her side in defeat.

  There was no choice in Nikki’s mind, she had to gamble her heart. Nikki closed the distance to Mia and took her hand. Tendrils of electricity passed between them.

  “Mia, I don’t know what you heard. I have never lied to you. Obviously, I can’t know what you’ve been through. What would cause you to doubt everything I do and say? You can ask anyone, I always keep my word. I would never hurt you. Don’t do this. Please don’t shut me out again. We can fix this, together. I’ll talk to Richard. We both know I preferred you from the beginning. And as far as us,” Nikki lifted Mia’s chin, forced their eyes to meet, “We will go slowly, if that is what you need. But I’m not going away. You are in my heart and I can’t let go.” She leaned over and kissed Mia.

  Why does it have to feel so damn good? One fleeting, tentative kiss and then she was gone. Mia was left staring at the open doorway. How long she stood there, Mia wasn’t sure. What just happened? How does arguing always lead to kissing? Mia didn’t want to enjoy the kiss. She didn’t want to feel connected to Nikki on such an intimate level. Most of all Mia didn’t want her to leave. When they were arguing at least there was a focus for her feelings. As they kissed her mind emptied and her body would just react. There was no thought process. No way to even breathe, let alone think. It was the only time her mind was truly at piece. As soon as Nikki left, life came back into focus. She couldn’t have Nikki. It wasn’t just because of Sam. She couldn’t afford the distraction Nikki’s presence would bring to her life. She refused to rely on someone else, it didn’t work. Mia wouldn’t allow Nikki to get close enough to break her again. One more time and all that would be left of Mia’s heart was dust. Never again.

  Nikki knew she shouldn’t have kissed Mia at school, but felt helpless to stop herself. After all the misguided information, she felt they both needed that kiss. Nikki knew she had said “slow down”, except her heart felt ten steps ahead of her mind. Mia was standing there, all business like with her hair in a bun. Her mouth turned up slightly. Nikki knew she couldn’t have stopped herself if she wanted to. I know she is still trying to figure herself and her feelings out, but sometimes that does not involve your mind. Okay, maybe it wasn’t just Nikki’s heart driving. It quite possibly, more than likely, had more to do with the image of Mia lying beneath her. Long curly brown hair spread out on a pillow. The smell of Mia’s perfume mixed with the heat of their bodies. Shit! Slowing down was going to be impossible!

  Chapter Fourteen

  Nikki stayed long after practice ended. She was making a list of all the problems that stood in her way and how to eliminate them. She had to talk to Sam about their “relationship”. She still couldn’t wrap her head around the idea of Sam spreading such rumors. Nikki found herself wishing she had just told Mia about Sam’s flirting from the beginning. Perhaps she wouldn’t be in this predicament. No. In reality, the only way she could have avoided this situation was if she had just told Sam the flirting was inappropriate when it had first started. She was aware there was no use to the “what ifs” that coursed through her mind. She needed to be certain Sam was no longer a factor in her, could be, relationship with Mia.

  She needed to work out, with Principal Wood, the details of Mia’s future employment. There would be no way to convince her to stick around if there was no job for her here. As Mia had come with glowing recommendations and given numerous recommendations, thus far, to help the athletics program, Nikki didn’t see it being a hard sale. She planned to speak with Mason first thing tomorrow. He never wanted to do more than absolutely necessary anyway. He would be more than happy to go back to making rubber band balls. It all had to be handled delicately. One misstep could cost her an assistant, a counselor and most importantly Mia.

  Mia went through the rest of the day in a daze. She was at work and needed to concentrate, but Nikki had invaded her subconscious. Her feelings tried to push to the foref
ront of her mind, against her will. Her agenda for the rest of the day, including when she got home, was completely scheduled. Planned out, down to the last detail. The way her entire life had been until last year. When Nikki kissed her everything melted away. Her mind was a blur. Why does she always have to make everything so difficult? Life was so clear. Then she goes and kisses me and everything is perfect, for about two whole seconds. Mia sat back in her chair. She was so frazzled that she didn’t bother trying to calm her nerves. I have to start locking my door! Why does she always have to kiss me?

  Why do I always respond to Nikki’s advances, Mia found herself wondering? She would put it all off to hormones; to the need for physical release. Except, she knew that was not the case. It wasn’t any person she wanted. I want Nikki and only Nikki. She wanted to finish what they started in the truck. She wanted to wake up in Nikki’s arms and feel safe for once. To have one night that did not end in her reliving the past or waking alone after her nightmares. Luckily Mia didn’t have a lot of appointments today, but she would have to find a way to focus on the work at hand. She could worry about Nikki later. She has to stop kissing me!

  Mia went straight home after work, watching for Nikki’s truck the entire way. She eyed the parking lot as she pulled into the complex. She thought she was worried, or trying to avoid her. The truth of the matter was, she wanted to see Nikki. Wanted to kiss her again. She even considered looking up Nikki’s address before leaving work, but something held her back. She went straight into the apartment and locked the door. Mia couldn’t think all day; now all of her thoughts were centered on and around Nikki. Is she still at practice, with Sam? Is she thinking of me? Mia was checking her cell every few minutes. She restarted her phone and checked her voicemail just to be sure it worked. She is not going to call. Stop checking it! Mia sat at the computer, staring at the screen. Unable to make her brain work. Of course there was no way she could focus on applications today; so she would just sit in front of the computer for an hour anyway. Then at least she would know who might be hiring. Afterwards, she would go get something for dinner.

  Don’t call. You’re stupid if you call. Nikki sat at home staring at her phone. She had long since finished her to do list for tomorrow. Now all that remained was Mia. Sitting out on the deck holding a beer, Nikki tried to convince herself the impossible was true. That Mia was doing the exact same thing she was. Sitting, waiting for the other person to call. If you call, you are the one who will get hurt. She isn’t ready. Why do you keep pushing her? Nikki understood how delicate the situation was. If she pushed too hard, Mia would run. Reed was staring up at the stars, racking her brain, trying to find some way to see Mia without crossing the line. Maybe I shouldn’t push her, but a gentle nudge is different. Right? Convincing herself that there was no harm in it, Nikki got up, grabbed her keys and headed for the door.

  Nikki knew it was weak, but she drove by Mia’s apartment “on the way” to the liquor store. It didn’t matter that she had to pass the liquor store to get there. Nikki was arguing with herself. Part of her was actually trying to do the right thing, but that voice was not as loud as the one telling her to go to Mia. Nikki promised herself she would just drive by the apartment, make sure Mia made it home. As Nikki pulled into the parking lot, she saw that the little blue car was not there. Who did she think she was kidding? Nikki knew in that instant she was not just driving by. If Mia’s Rav4 car was there, she would have raced up to the apartment door and taken Mia into her arms. You’re pathetic.

  The night seemed to stretch out before her. She would go get more beer and as in nights past, she would fantasize about Mia until sleep claimed her. You have to get it together. You’re all strung out like a junky needing another hit. Mia was her drug. Her addiction. Maybe it’s a good thing she wasn’t home.

  * * *

  Nikki went into work early the next day. She had so much to do and so little time. Mason would not get to work until just before the bell. There was no reason to get there early. Nevertheless, she was going stir crazy in the house. A change of scenery was in order. Nikki sought to feel like she was doing something, making any progress. She dropped off her belongings on her desk, then went straight to the guidance office to wait. As she stood outside Mason’s door, the outer office door swung open. Her head automatically swiveled towards the noise. Mia came into the room and froze when she saw Nikki. No one else accompanied them in the office.

  “What are you doing here?” Mia asked.

  Nikki followed Mia into her office and closed the door before answering. She instantly knew it was a mistake, but pushed on anyway.

  “Good morning to you too. I’m just waiting for Mason to get in.”

  “Oh, okay. Then, why did you come in here?”

  Nikki didn’t have an answer. She had not even meant to follow and definitely did not intend to close the door. She couldn’t trust herself behind closed doors, alone with Mia.

  “I’m not sure. To answer you, say a private hello,”

  Nikki was conscious that she was slowly moving closer to Mia. She had no will power and couldn’t contain her feelings. Her need to be near Mia unquenchable.

  “Oh, no you don’t. Don’t you dare!” Mia stated with her hand outstretched as if to ward off Nikki.

  “What?” Nikki asked innocently.

  Mia was backing away from Nikki, circling back around to the door.

  “Don’t you kiss me!”

  Nikki smiled when she realized that is exactly what she wanted, “How could I not?”

  She was closing the distance between them with every step she took. Mia backed up against the door, her hand on the knob. Nikki stopped just short of her.

  “I’m not going to kiss you, if you really don’t want me to.”

  Mia breathed a sigh of relief, until Nikki took another step. It brought their bodies to within a few millimeters. Mia could barely control herself. Keeping the mask that she had fabricated in place was getting to be impossible.

  “But I also won’t lie to you. I won’t tell you that it is easy to see you and not touch you. That I don’t want you every second of every day.”

  There was a flutter in her chest, she told herself it was just nerves. The proximity of another person, a stranger, entering her personal space. Her body screamed to her that it wasn’t just anyone in close proximity, it was Nikki. It was not fear that was setting her off, nor sheer worry that was pulling at her strings. Nikki had a way of making her feel completely off balance. Like the earth’s axis had tilted enough to make her feel like she was going to fall off the edge. Mia didn’t budge, she couldn’t breathe. She was unable to make a decision. Forward or back. Hide from the pain intimacy would bring or jump head first into the abyss.

  Nikki inhaled the scent she knew was only Mia’s. As she stared at the indecision and fear in Mia’s eyes, Nikki wondered what she was so scared of. Nikki leaned to open the door, but Mia’s hand was still on the knob. Nikki towered over Mia, staring into her eyes, their lips just inches away. Nikki wrapped her hand around Mia’s on the knob, but she waited for Mia to move, one way or another. The slight touch of her skin was driving Nikki crazy, she didn’t know how much longer she could stand there just holding Mia’s hand.

  Both women could hear the secretary talking to someone as she walked into the office. Soon the school would be full of students buzzing about. Nikki had places to be. Things to accomplish today. One kiss would mean nothing if she didn’t save Mia’s job. Nikki finally found the control she had been searching for. She back away from Mia, allowing the air back into the office.

  “I should go, can we talk later? Dinner maybe?” Nikki looked at her expectantly.

  “I don’t think that is a good idea. You should go. I have students coming to see me in a couple minutes.”

  Nikki did not hear no, because Mia’s eyes were saying yes. “I’ll see you later.”

  Mia, at last, opened the door for Nikki to leave.

  Mason’s door was now open. Mia watched as N
ikki entered and the wooden barrier closed between them. Guess she was really waiting for Mason. Mia went into her office, leaving the door open, and sank into her desk chair. She didn’t really have a student scheduled for this morning. She was just trying to get Nikki to be the one to pull away, since she wasn’t strong enough to do it herself. Everyday got a little harder and everyday Nikki got a smidge closer to her heart. It had to end. At least she didn’t kiss me. Mia pulled out a file on the first student she had today and was trying to focus on it. She looked down at the name, Frank deserved all of her attention.

  Nikki’s voice wafted into the room, as she was leaving Mason’s office, just a couple minutes later. Mia looked up just in time to lock eyes with Nikki and see her dazzling smile. Nikki did not stop in to see Mia again. She passed right by and exited the office. Mia was surprised that Nikki didn’t re-enter and close the door. She thought she should feel like she was let off the hook, for the moment. Instead Mia’s disappointment was paralyzing.

  The meeting with Mason went just as well as Nikki anticipated. He was happy to relinquish the position. For once Mia’s door was open and it felt impossible not to go into her office. Even so, Nikki was on a mission and refused to deviate from the plan. She would get everything on her list accomplished before tonight. That way, when she pursued Mia, she would do it with a clear conscious, nothing could stand in her way. Next on her list was Richard.

  The main office was bustling as Nikki walked in.

  “Good morning Gladice, is he in?”

  “Of course, hold on just a minute.”

  Gladice went over to Richard’s door to announce Nikki. She tried to be patient. The room was cramped and the constant ringing of the phone was going to get old fast.

  “He is just finishing up a call, go on in,” Gladice assured her as she picked up the phone. Nikki was waved into Wood’s office and sat in the chair across from him. Watching his facial features change as he listened. Whoever he was talking to, clearly was not giving him good news. The deeper the frown on his face, the more she wished she had waited to speak with him. Richard disconnected and forced a smile to his face. As he greeted Nikki, the creases seamed to ease slightly.