Don't Rhine on My Parade

by Erin Evans

  Chapter Eleven

  I grabbed Cecily’s arm and pulled her down on a bench near the wall. “What aren’t you telling me?” I demanded.

  She looked out at the masses of humanity, no, make that human-like creatures, that swirled before us. One toe of her strappy sandals beat a nervous rhythm on the carpeted floor.

  “Cecily?” I prompted.

  “Piper,” she still wasn’t meeting my eyes. “There’s a lot I haven’t told you. Centuries of infighting and political maneuvering have taken place at USB conferences. You’ve known about us for what, twenty-four hours? It’s going to take some time to catch you up.”

  I crossed my arms and beat my own rhythm with my shoe. “So, take the time. You say that I need to join the USB. Fine. I’m here. I’m trying to join. Why did that woman threaten me?”

  Cecily let out a long sigh. “That woman, as you say, is one of the Fae. UnSeelie Court. They don’t really care so much for humans.”

  “UnSeelie Court?”

  “There are two Courts of the Fae. The Seelie and the UnSeelie. The Seelie, while not particularly crazy about humans, at least don’t mind them too much, and help out every once in a while. The UnSeelie hate humans and blame them for most of their problems.”

  I blinked. “Are these people like fairies?”

  “No. Not really. There are small humanoid Fae with wings called pixies. There are the type of Fae you will see here: tall, mostly blond, and very good looking by human standards. They call themselves The Elders. There are other sorts of Fae that would scare your socks off if you saw them. Most of them stay hidden from humans. The Elders represent all of Elfhame.”

  “So, this UnSeelie Court just doesn’t want a human joining the USB?” It didn’t sound like that big a deal to me.

  Cecily chewed on her bottom lip some more. “Look Piper, a lot is riding on your application. The USB is pretty split on the human question right now. The side I work for wants you in. We want you in bad. That’s why I was assigned to protect you for the last four years. The other side,” she stopped and then shrugged. “Why beat around the bush? They want you dead.”

  “Why me? Why does it matter if I’m alive or not?” This was really freaking me out. “Am I in danger here?”

  Cecily shook her head, “You are safe from magical attack here. The Bast insures that no magic is used within the walls of the conference. It keeps everyone on a level playing field.”

  “What is the Bast?”

  “I told you,” she said irritably. “Please try to pay attention. The Bast keeps everyone from using magic while at the conference.”

  “How does the Bast do that?” I wanted to know.

  “Magic.”

  “So, magic is used to keep magic from being used?” This seemed rather convoluted to me. I had another thought, “What about those wand things at the door?”

  “Those were outside the door. Inside they wouldn’t work.”

  “What about non-magical attack?” That seemed like a pretty big loophole to me.

  “Non-magical attack would be very obvious, and the group responsible would be ejected from the conference and lose their membership privileges for the next four years.”

  “Wait a sec,” I narrowed my eyes at her, “You’re saying that if someone manages to kill me, they’ll get caught and receive a little slap on the wrist? And that’s what you’re counting on to keep me safe?” I was understandably a little perturbed.

  “It’s more than a slap on the wrist. It should be enough to deter any would-be assassins.”

  “Great,” I muttered. “That’ll make me real happy after I’m dead.”

  I saw the crowds begin to part down the concourse. Four large, black men were marching through the crowd, which split like a wave before them. These guys were huge and very muscular. I could tell because they weren’t wearing any shirts, just pleated skirts that hung down to their knees and gold sandals. Each wrist was also banded in thick gold and a gold torque hung around each neck. In a word, they were impressive.

  “Oh, crap,” Cecily swore.

  “What?” I squeaked. “What’s ‘oh, crap’? Who are those guys?”

  “Crap, crap, crap,” she said with feeling. “Look, Piper. They’re going to take you to the Bast. It’s very important that you make a good impression. She’ll decide how your appeal will go to the—”

  The four men stopped in front of our bench. They were too close for me to feel comfortable standing up, so I remained seated and smiled up at them. “Yes?”

  “You will come with us,” one spoke in a deep rumble. “The Bast wishes to speak with you.”

  Cecily nudged me and nodded. “Don’t worry. I’ll catch up with you later. Just remember what I said.” Her voice was heavy with emphasis.

  I wanted to strangle her. Remember what she said? She said to make a good impression. What did that mean?

  I stood up carefully, my smile still plastered on my face. “Okay. Let’s go.” Two of the men walked in front of me and two behind. I felt like Princess Leia surrounded by stormtroopers.

  “Dantooine. They're on Dantooine,” I said quietly. None of my escort so much as batted an eye.

  They led me down a long hallway, past a restaurant, and then stopped at a closed door. They took up position outside the door, which one held open for me. “You will wait inside for the Bast,” he said.

  “Okay,” I tried to sound unconcerned. “I’ll wait.” The door closed behind me and I was alone.

  Everything about the Convention Center is big. This room was no exception. It was also empty except for a large rug in the middle of the room. On the rug was a gigantic carved wooden desk, complete with chair and lamp. In front of the desk were two armchairs with a small table in-between. The lamp was the only source of light in the room. It turned the setting of furniture into an oasis in a desert of darkness.

  I sat down cautiously on one of the chairs and waited.

  “Make a good impression,” I said sarcastically to myself. “Sure. Because usually I just like to drool, stammer, and be rude. But now that I know to make a good impression, I’ll be on my best behavior.”

  I stopped talking and listened. A low rumble was barely audible. I stood up and looked over the desk. In the chair behind was curled a huge, spotted, tabby cat. She looked up at me and blinked large green eyes. The purring continued.

  “Hey, honey!” I crooned. “Aren’t you gorgeous!” She stood up, stretched and hopped down out of the chair. “Where are you going?” I asked, and then smiled as she came around the desk. I sat back in the armchair and scratched my fingers on the arm. “Are you coming to visit me?”

  She leapt gracefully up into my lap and began to groom her paw. I gently rubbed her under her chin and was rewarded by an even louder rumble.

  “You are just the prettiest cat I have ever seen. Oh look, you have an earring. That’s kind of a weird thing to do to a cat.” She put her teeth on my hand. “It looks good on you,” I assured her and scratched her behind the ears. “I’d love to take you home with me. Otis would love to meet you. But I’ll bet someone would miss you. Yes they would.”

  She stretched out over my legs turning her head so I could scratch better. “You’re lucky to be a cat,” I told her. “You don’t have to worry about being eaten by all the crazy creatures running around here. Well, take that back, maybe they like to eat cats too. I hope not. Do you belong to the Bast? She can’t be too bad if she has you for a pet.”

  I looked around the room and hoped that no one was watching me from the dark corners. That would just be creepy beyond belief.

  The cat hopped down off my lap and yawned. Then she headed back around the desk to her chair. “Thanks for letting me pet you,” I said as she leapt lightly from the chair to the desktop.

  “You’re welcome,” she answered.

  I fell out of my chair hitting my tail bone on the floor. Slowly I stood up and looked at the cat. She was sitting on the top of the desk. Straight and tall, tail
curled around her front paws. The earring glinted in the lamp light.

  “Did you . . .” I sputtered.

  “Yes.” She regarded me coolly with unblinking eyes. “We are the Bast. You may call us Bastet if you wish.”

  Thanks, Cecily, I thought. You warn me to make a good impression but fail to mention the important little detail that I’m going to meet a cat. “Nice to meet you, Bastet,” I said politely. “Umm, I’m sorry if I offended you earlier. I didn’t know . . .” I trailed off.

  “No offense has been taken. You are Piper Cavanaugh.”

  “Umm, yes. I am.” This was totally tripping. How do you talk to a cat?

  “We have heard many things of you. Of what species do you wish to be?”

  She still hadn’t moved. She looked like a statue. I wanted to kick myself. She looked just like a statue. In high school I had gone on a field trip to a museum that was hosting an Egyptian exhibit. She looked just like the statue of the Egyptian cat goddess who, I was pretty sure, was called Bastet.

  “Umm,” I said again intelligently. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

  “We decide how you will apply to the United Supernatural Beings. Since you are a descendant of the Rhine Maidens, you may petition to join the mer-people.”

  “Uh,” my brain seemed to be working very slowly. It still hadn’t gotten past the shock of talking to a cat. “I’d like to be human. Please.”

  “Human.” Her huge eyes blinked. It almost looked like she was smiling and I could definitely hear a purr. “Yes. We will allow you to petition as a human. But we warn you, it will not be easy to convince the Synod. As long as you are here we offer you our protection. But outside these walls you must defend yourself.”

  “Thank you,” I stammered.

  “You may go. We will follow your progress with great interest.”

  I stood up. I felt like I needed to say something. “Umm, Bastet? I meant what I said earlier. You are the most beautiful cat I have ever seen.”

  She preened herself a bit. “We know,” she purred, “but we thank you for recognizing it.”

  I backed slowly towards the door. It didn’t feel right to turn my back on her. It opened before I could touch the knob and then I was in the hallway surrounded by the four guards once more.

  “The Bast is pleased with you,” one said with a smile. “You may return to your vampire.”

  I winced, “She’s not really my vampire per-se …” I quit talking. They were flanking the door again, unmoving. “Well, guys, thanks anyway!” I said cheerfully and headed back the way we had come.

  “Piper!” Cecily grabbed me and spun me around. “What happened?”

  I detached myself, none to gently. “Thanks to you? Nothing.”

  “Is she going to allow you to petition as a human?” Cecily’s eyes were brimming with earnestness. I really needed to figure out what was going on. This seemed like way more than just concern for my health.

  “Yes,” I answered shortly, surprised by the look of excitement that crossed her face. “But first, you are going to tell me everything.”

  “Everything?” she cocked that one eyebrow at me.

  “Everything,” I said firmly.

  She nodded. “Okay. Let’s get a drink first though,” and she led the way into the restaurant we had passed on the way down the hallway.

  We found a quiet corner booth and ordered. Diet Coke for me, glass of A negative for her. If it was meant to be a compliment, since that was also my blood type, it failed. I was more pissed off than ever.

  Cecily took a slow sip and swallowed. “Aliens,” she said finally.

  “Aliens,” I repeated dryly.

  “Yes. Aliens are coming.”

  “Are you trying to be funny?” I was still seriously annoyed.

  “No. Five years ago the USB received communication from outside our galaxy. We will be expecting visitors anytime in the next year or two.”

  I snorted. “You’re kidding right?”

  “No. I’m serious. That’s why everyone is in an uproar. The balance of power is being disrupted. What do they want? Why are they coming? How powerful are they? Are they tourists? Or an army? These are the questions that the Synod is dealing with.”

  “What does this have to do with me?”

  “Everything,” was the confusing answer. “Humans have been a protected species. We are not allowed to openly prey upon you. We all draw our power from the human race; if the protection was lifted it would become a battle to see what species could feed the fastest. The group I work for believes that this would be disastrous with the coming possible threat. If we weaken ourselves with in-fighting we will be an easy victory for an attacking alien race.”

  I tried not to laugh. It was serious and I kind of believed her, but come on, no one says ‘attacking alien race’ without some kind of punch line following.

  “Our opposing side, the ones that want you dead, believe that the time has come to reveal our powers here and gain as much strength as we can, as fast as we can, by draining you humans.”

  I didn’t feel like laughing anymore. What I felt was a chill of fear. So far, the thought of vampires, werewolves, etc. hadn’t worried me too much. How scary can a group be that holds civilized political meetings? Membership, conferences, and acronyms kind of whitewash the horror movie quality. The thought of becoming Eloi to their Morlocks was pretty grim.

  “So if I am allowed to join the USB as a human …”

  “The entire human race would remain protected. We are not allowed to openly prey on other member species.”

  I cracked a tight smile. “Great. Just peachy. No pressure or anything.”

  Cecily met my gaze with an apologetic grimace, “Not if you don’t mind being dinner.”

  I started to tear my napkin into tiny pieces. “So if the USB doesn’t accept me …”

  “The Synod,” Cecily interrupted. “The USB will vote to send your case to the Synod. It’s the only thing they can do. The Sentinel Synod will vote on whether to accept you or not.”

  “So who’s on this Synod?” I wanted to know.

  “Five beings. Vampire, Werewolf, Seelie Elder, Unseelie Elder, and a Naga.”

  “And their stance on humans? I mean, I’m assuming the vampires are pro, since you’re here with me.”

  “Not quite,” she looked embarrassed. “Vampires are pretty split. Some believe like me, that open feeding will weaken us.” She gave the impression that the strength or weakness of the vampire race was the deciding factor for her, not the well-being of mere mortals. “Others agree with the WAND and the UnSeelie that if we are to face an alien invasion we must have as much power as quickly as possible.”

  “What about the rest of the Synod?”

  “The werewolves are an unknown. They are small in number because of the hardships on a pregnancy where the mother changes from human shape to wolf every month. If it was ‘open season’,” she smiled without warmth, “they would be able to turn greater numbers of humans into Weres and increase their power.”

  I was really starting to feel sick to my stomach. It’s not fun hearing about people like they are on the menu.

  “The Seelie will most definitely side with the humans. They always have. The UnSeelie have allied themselves with the WAND.” She spat out the acronym like a foul word.

  “What’s up with them?” I asked.

  “They are pure evil.” Her lip curled up in disgust. “They feed upon death, destruction, and fear. You are fortunate that one of them is not on the Synod at this time. However, they will do everything in their power to stop you and to sway the votes of the other members.”

  I gulped. This was getting better and better. Not only did the survival of the human race rest upon my shoulders, but now I had a group of crazy witches and necromancers after me.

  Before she could get to the last group, whose name I had already forgotten, we were joined at our table by two men. They sat down without being invited. Both were tall, broad shouldered
, and muscular. There the resemblance ended. One was white blond with almost invisible eyebrows and eyelashes, while the other had dark curly hair, a heavy five o’clock shadow, and a mass of chest hair peeking out the open collar of his shirt. The blond man was be-still-my-beating-heart handsome. The dark man reminded me of Wolverine, scary, intense, yet very attractive. I gave myself a mental poke to remind myself that I was married and not to drool.

  Cecily and I had both been forced to scoot closer to the wall on our respective benches. We were effectively trapped in the booth and I felt a cold sweat break out on my forehead.

  The blond man spoke in a beautiful tenor. “We would like to make you a proposition.”