Don't Rhine on My Parade

by Erin Evans

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I made it out of the house without killing Carolyn, or worse, using the Voice on her. You will be nicer to Piper. She is your favorite person in the world. Ah, a girl can dream.

  Megan and Cassidy were overjoyed at getting to spend a second day in a row with Granny. I would have some serious defragging to do over the next few days. Their little spoiled attitudes were going to be horrendous. It also warmed my heart to hear how many times, in the ten minutes from when Carolyn arrived, to my departure, that my little angels asked me if I was leaving yet. Nothing like being loved and cherished by your children to send you off in a good mood.

  Cecily, coward that she was, waited for me in her front driveway and we were off to Orlando again. If we were going the traditional way I would have been well and truly carsick by now, but, with the Zipline, it seemed like a quick jaunt across town. We barely had time to cover what it was I needed to say to the Synod.

  “I’m a human. Please don’t eat me. I want to join,” was apparently not professional sounding enough for Cecily. She made me practice saying my name in a clear, loud voice and speaking my request. I felt foolish but assumed that she had more experience in this sort of thing than I did. In no time at all we were in Orlando, pulling off of International Drive and into the parking lot.

  Everything looked the same when we arrived at the Convention Center. Same odd assortment of bumper stickers in the parking lot. Same odd looking people wandering around.

  A random question occurred to me.

  “Cecily, how does a triffid hide itself from people?” I asked.

  She looked at me like I was stupid. “By standing still.”

  “Oh.” I might be taking closer looks at lobby fichuses from now on.

  We entered through the same door as before with the same safety procedures. I guess the guards had heard of me by now because we were waved through without a fight. Inside, Cecily took off down one of the concourses. I scrambled to keep up. In the crowd it was hard to walk beside her and I had to bob and weave around people so that I could ask some important questions.

  “What do I do when I go in?”

  She shrugged and ducked under the waving arm of an impossibly tall and willowy woman.

  “It should be very similar to a human court hearing,” she said. “Be respectful. Answer any questions clearly and loudly and don’t say anything without being given permission first. Remember, the Synod is made up of representatives from the werewolves, the vampires, the Seelie Court –that’s the Fae who can stand humans, the Unseelie Court—the ones who can’t, and the Naga, who are rather ambivalent.”

  I checked them off in my head. “Ok. Who is in charge?”

  “The Naga is currently the chair.”

  “What’s a Naga?”

  Suddenly we were out of time and approaching a double door that had huge, black velvet curtains swathing it with four of the Bast’s guards on either side. I’ll say this for the magic folks, they know how to look impressive. Huge, golden ankhs adorned each door and smaller embroidered ones graced the curtains. The guards were each well over six feet tall, broad and very muscular. Eyes straight forward, they still gave the impression of seeing all and being able to respond at a split second’s notice. I gulped. I so did not want to walk through that door.

  Cecily caught my elbow and turned me back to the door before my brain registered that I had turned away.

  “Chin up,” she hissed in my ear. “After all, you can only die once.”

  I glared at her. “Not helping,” I said and shrugged her off my arm.

  I gave a last minute straighten to my top and brushed some invisible lint off my pants and I was ready as I ever would be. Squaring my shoulders I stepped towards the doors and was able to keep from reacting when they swung open on their own before my outstretched hand could touch them. I walked through them, head held high, and successfully fought the urge to look back over my shoulder at Cecily in mute appeal. There was no help in that direction. It was now up to me alone and I prayed that I would have the nerve to at least get through this without making a colossal fool of myself.

  There’s only so much drama I can assimilate at one time. I would worry about death and dismemberment when it was actually happening. Until then, my main fear was of looking like an idiot. Shallow? Perhaps, but I think, if most people were honest, that would be the thing they were most afraid of as well.

  The room was smaller than the one in which I had met the Bast. A raised dais on one end held a long curved table. It was also covered in the black cloth dotted with gold ankhs. Another large ankh took central place on the front of the table. Behind the table were five golden thrones. I say “thrones” for I have no idea how else to explain them. They were carved and jeweled and decorated beyond all good taste and looked merely heavy and expensive. The beings sitting in the chairs were much more ordinary.

  Starting on the left; first was a woman, tall, thin, and angular. I half expected her collarbone to poke a hole in her gauzy blouse. Her hair was black, very curly, and fell below her shoulders and past the edge of the table. Her eyes were a deep green, slanted and large. All of this should have made her beautiful, and she might have been, except for the look of pure hatred and disgust with which she met my gaze. Had I been a child molesting, cannibal, puppy-torturer I might have got a friendlier look.

  Next to her sat a bulky, hairy man. Thick short cropped hair, bushy eyebrows, heavy five o’clock stubble and hairy muscular arms. I was guessing werewolf for this one, which made me wonder. What did a female werewolf look like? I seriously hoped they didn’t have the same hirsutism problem. The werewolf winked at me in a friendly manner and relaxed back in his throne.

  In the center of the table, in a slightly larger, more ornate, and thus more hideous throne, sat what I would describe as a completely normal looking human. He had red curly hair and light eyebrows and looked as if he were ready to tell you a funny joke. He was neither thin nor fat and looked to be of a same height with the werewolf. It must have been a trick of the light that made his eyes flash red for a moment when he turned his head.

  This must be the Naga, whatever that was. He was definitely in charge and the look he greeted me with was neither welcoming nor hostile. I felt a trifle relieved. It seemed as if I would get a fair hearing from him.

  On the right half of the table sat a woman with pale skin, short brown hair, and black emotionless eyes. She looked as if all the life had been sucked out of her and all that was left was a ramrod spine and cold disdain for everything and everyone. This was probably close to the truth since she was obviously the vampire representative.

  An impossibly handsome man lounged at the far end of the table. He was so good looking that I blushed down to my toes when he smiled at me and had to stop myself from reaching up to check my hair. If the vampire was a black hole, then he was a brightly burning star. His elegantly pointed ears told me that this must be the Seelie Court representative, which would make the dark haired woman on the far end of the table the UnSeelie representative.

  So, the UnSeelies had definitely not changed their opinion of me. The weres, and the Seelies were a “yes” and the vampire and the Naga were still unknowns. Not the greatest position to be in, but I supposed it could be worse.

  Several yards in front of the table was where I was obviously to stand. A small wooden lectern had been set up, complete with a glass of water for my squeaky throat. Little more than a minute had passed since I had entered the room, surveyed the occupants, and took my place before them. I placed my hands on either side of the lectern to still any tell-tale trembling and focused my gaze on the man in the center seat.

  “Piper Cavanaugh?” he inquired, gazing down at some papers before him.

  “Yes,” I croaked, then cleared my throat and tried again. Darn them for making me so nervous! I was human and the last time I checked there were a bunch of us on the planet. Large and in charge, that’s us. I was not going to be cowe
d by some fairy tale creatures out of the Grimm Brothers!

  “Yes. I am Piper Cavanaugh,” I said a little louder than absolutely necessary just to get a feel of my voice in the room.

  A small smile quirked up the side of the man’s mouth but he quickly smoothed it out. “Very well then, let us proceed.”

  The other heads at the table nodded assent.

  He motioned towards my left where the woman I assumed was the UnSeelie representative sat. “May I present the current Sentinel Synod,” he said politely, “Starting at the far end of the table is Maiuanna Teasen’Dhodrim of the Unseelie Court, Daniel Eckhart of the weres, myself, Kenneth Deerhurst, of the Naga, Dusana Svobodova, of the vampires, and Eirvain Rilynn’Nimlae of the Seelie Court.”

  Riiight, I thought, I was going to remember all of that. That’s when I noticed the classy name plates in front of each seat. Dhodrim, Eckhart, Deerhurst, Svobodova, and Nimlae. Okay. At least I wouldn’t embarrass myself too much by not remembering all their odd names. Now all I had to do was pronounce them correctly.

  I noticed Deerhurst staring at me in a now-it’s-your-turn sort of way. Oh. Well then. I cleared my throat nervously. “I would like to petition the Synod for my species to join the United Supernatural Beings.”

  Dhodrim, the UnSeelie Fae, pulled her lips back in an inaudible snarl. I guess I knew what her vote would be.

  “This creature,” she spat the word, “is under censure for improper use of her abilities and endangering the concealment of all preternatural beings.”

  Deerhurst raised his hand, “That issue is not open for discussion at this time. Today we are looking solely on whether human beings should be allowed membership status.” He turned back to me, “State your case, please.”

  My eyes got big for a moment. My case? I squeaked mentally. My case consisted of: I don’t want to become tomorrow’s lunch menu. I blew out slowly and thought furiously. “As I understand it, the USB is a governing body to protect all,” what was that word that Dhodrim just used? Oh, “preternatural beings. Since no earth government exists to rule and discipline the myriad of diverse beings that remain in hiding on this planet, a group had to be formed for that purpose. All beings who join are thus putting themselves under the rule of the USB and agreeing to cohabitate with each other in a discrete manner, so as not to risk the exposure of all.”

  Deerhurst was leaning forward with a pleased look on his face, as if his prize poodle was doing well in a competition. Svobodova, the vampire, looked bored to tears. That is, if vampires could cry. Which, according to Cecily, they couldn’t.

  “Humans, up to this point, have been a semi-protected species. As long as an action did not risk exposure, then any action was acceptable.”

  Dhodrim smiled an icky smile that seemed to be remembering something hideously pleasant. Yikes.

  “As I understand it, that protection is in danger of being lifted. Until now, no human has shown traits that would permit them to join the USB. I, however, have a supernatural ability which should permit me to join. I am also fully human, and I would argue that there are more humans like myself out there in the world. We are just better at hiding than some of ya’ll.”

  Eckhart, the werewolf frowned at this point. Maybe that was carrying it a bit far.

  “My case is this: I am human. I also have supernatural abilities. Thus, humans are capable of supernatural abilities and should be allowed into the USB and remain under its protection.” I slowly released my death grip on the podium and felt blood stinging back into my fingers.

  Deerhurst leaned back in his chair. “Very good. This is an unusual case and, as such, our proceedings shall be a trifle different. We shall now hear from the other side, if you will.”

  Dhodrim smirked, which did not seem to bode well. By the time I turned my gaze from her face, all the others were looking unemotionally at the door.

  I wished I knew how the vampires were going to vote. This Svobodova didn’t seem to be all too friendly.

  Cecily was definitely on my side, but she had spoken of factions within the vampires. Just shoot me now! my brain screamed. Get it over with, I can’t stand the suspense. I wanted to curl up in a ball under the podium and not come out until it was done with, one way or the other. I’m very much afraid that in a tense situation I would be the one to freeze in terror. Call me a bunny rabbit, I’m not proud of it, but there it is.

  The door opened and a woman walked in. She looked a little shaky, like she had recently been sick or something. When she got closer my heart sank into the pit of my stomach. It was the priestess from the homeless shelter. I closed my eyes to stop the spinning feeling in the room. This could not be good.

  Someone brought in a second podium and thoughtfully put it some distance from mine. I tried to keep my eyes on Deerhurst, but I was very aware of every movement that the Priestess made. The more I tried to move and look around in a normal fashion the more awkward and uncomfortable I felt.

  Svobodova was watching me with a very unkind smirk on her face. I decided to chalk it up to her superior vampire hearing which could probably detect my increase in heart rate and had nothing to do with my acting ability, which was perfectly fooling everyone else in the room.

  “Please state your name for the Synod,” said Deerhurst when the Priestess took her stand behind the lectern.

  “Luna Oceania,” she said regally.

  I began to laugh, stopped it at my lips and choked and sputtered instead. Every eye turned to me and I grabbed my glass of water and downed it in one gulp, which caused me to choke for real. By the time I quit pounding my chest and gasping for air they had decided to leave me to my fit and continue.

  “Greetings,” Deerhurst said. “As you know, we are here today to discuss the case of Piper Cavanaugh.” He waved a hand in my direction. I made the mistake of glancing over at good old Luna and was quite happy that the Bast was still preventing any use of magic. Otherwise I would have spontaneously combusted or perhaps turned into a frog. Maybe both.

  Deerhurst ignored her furious glare and went on. “Ms. Cavenaugh is—”

  I interrupted. After all, this was about the entire human race, not just me, “That’s Mrs. Cavanaugh, please.”

  The other members of the Synod were looking at me in shock. Apparently correcting the Chairman was not advisable. I was just getting tired of being pushed around, threatened, and kept in the dark as to what was really going on. It was time to show a little backbone.

  I met the Naga’s stare with an equally steely one of my own. I swear I saw his mouth quirk again, but he spoke calmly as if nothing had happened.

  “Mrs. Cavanaugh is here to join the USB as a human. She has presented her case and we are now prepared to hear the opposition.”

  Luna gave me a toothy, the-better-to-eat-you grin and spoke, “Naturally, we of the Witches And Necromancers Deputation want to see every preternatural species accepted into the protecting arms of the USB, however, we do not believe that humans qualify.”

  “On what grounds?” growled Eckhart the werewolf. He didn’t seem to care too much for the witch. Granted, that probably had something to do with our little episode at the homeless shelter the other day, when we found the witches using death magic to enhance their power. Come to think of it, Nimlae, the Seelie representative, was looking like he swallowed something bitter as well.

  Luna answered in her plumiest of tones, “On the grounds that her magic has not been tested and proved. We have the word of the vampires,” the look she exchanged with Svobodova made me very uncomfortable. It looked almost friendly, which would not be a good thing for me. “But no proof. Before we go any farther in this debate, we ask that the creature, Piper, be tested for magical ability.”

  I was glaring now. I don’t like being called a creature and I still had the immortality thing to worry about. How much was too much? Unfortunately, my opinion was not consulted.

  “Granted,” said Deerhurst. “We shall ask the Bast to remove her dampers o
n this room alone and shall test Mrs. Cavanaugh’s ability.”

  Far faster than I would have preferred, the preparations were completed for my test. Two chairs had been brought in for me and the witch to sit in, and something “popped” in the air, rather like the feeling you get in your ears as an airplane is taking off or landing. I assumed that was the “magic damper” being removed from the room.

  I could tell that I wasn’t the only one made a little uncomfortable by this. The Synod members seemed to move their chairs farther away from each other and there was a definite gap on either side of Deerhurst. I still didn’t know what a Naga was, but I was getting the idea that they were not a species to mess with.

  I sat in my chair and tried not to fidget. How were they going to test my power? How strong was my power anyway? It’s not like I had ever tested it myself. What if I used it too much and became immortal? Wouldn’t that automatically make me non-human? What if that was their evil plan all along! I had way too many questions and no answers whatsoever.

  I raised my hand in the air like a school child.

  “Yes?” Deerhurst noticed me first.

  “What if I refuse to be tested?” I asked, adding quickly when I saw everyone’s faces, “not that I am. I just want to know my options.”

  Deerhurst didn’t even have to think about it, “You would be put to death today.”

  I blinked. “Okay. Thanks. Just wondering.”

  Sooo, that option was definitely out. I guess I really didn’t have a choice. Unless you call suicide a choice. I could work myself into a tizzy with paranoid uncertainty or I could use the Voice to the best of my ability and trust that, whatever the outcome, it was better than instant death.

  Minutes later Deerhurst made some sort of signal to the other representatives and they left off their whispered conversations, or staring into space, and the meeting started again.

  “We will be testing your ability starting on the weakest level,” Deerhurst announced. I must have looked puzzled for he explained, “First, we will start with a human.”

  Oh good. Human equals weak. Yay.

  The doors opened and the guards brought in a man who looked to be anywhere from forty to sixty years old. He was shaggy-haired, unkempt, had rotten teeth and smelled like a brewery. His clothes were in rags, but layered in such a way that none of the holes lined up. Another homeless person. It frustrated me that these poor people were being preyed upon by the all the USB!

  They led him to stand between the two lecterns and took a step back.

  He looked around the room with bleary eyes. Apparently none of this struck him as very strange or out of the ordinary.

  “Whurrsmaburr?” he mumbled. “Whurrsmaburr?” He kept repeating it over and over and I began to assume that he had been promised a drink in exchange for appearing. At least he was going to get something out of this. Even if it wasn’t something totally beneficial for him.

  I looked at the homeless man, and then back at Deerhurst. What exactly did they want me to do?

  “Command him,” Deerhurst said and everyone leaned forward in anticipation.

  “Command him to do what?” I asked.

  “Anything.”

  I glowered. “You’ll have to be a tad more specific than that. Besides, to prove that I’m using the Voice, it would have to be something that he wouldn’t do anyway, which, from the look of him, there’s not much he wouldn’t do for the alcohol you’ve promised him.”

  I turned to the man. I felt rather scummy doing this, but what-the-hey, my life or his dignity, and it’s not like I was going to ask him to take off his clothes and dance around naked.

  “Sit down please,” I said, using no Voice at all. Of course he sat. I looked back at the table and made a what-did-I-tell-you face.

  Dhodrim rolled her eyes. “Tell him to bark like a dog and roll over.”

  I frowned. That was just demeaning and rude. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t do that just for another drink even without the Voice. Since I wasn’t getting much help in the ideas department, I thought of one on my own.

  I took a deep breath and used the Voice, “You will not drink any more alcohol today. You will leave here without collecting your bottle and go straight to the nearest rehab shelter and tell them that you want help giving up booze.”

  He stood up like a puppet, turned around and headed out the door. “Wait!” called Deerhurst and the guards put out arms to stop him. He stood there shuffling his feet and looking like he really had somewhere else he needed to be.

  “Where are you going?” Deerhurst asked him.

  “Gotter go to thuh shelter,” the man said. “Ahm goin dry frum nowahn.”

  “May you have success in your endeavors,” Deerhurst said. “You may leave.”

  The table looked at me with renewed interest. It seems that there had been some doubt in their minds about the legitimacy of my ability. Eckhart and Nimlae were openly smiling. Yippee. I was so glad I settled that for everyone. Now what?