Full House

by Janet Evanovich

  Billie shuddered. She knew Christie was exaggerating, but she had found a spider crawling in the bathtub that morning. She had beat it to death for about ten minutes with the broom before she was convinced it was dead. Once she'd rinsed it down the drain, she scrubbed the entire tub with bleach. She made a mental note to call Raoul. If he no longer wanted to handle her pest-control problems because he thought she was ruining her life, she would hire someone else.

  So many things to worry about, she thought, grabbing a rag and heading into the living room.

  * * * * *

  Nick pulled his battered pickup into the driveway and studied the two girls sitting on the lawn. Neither of them looked impressed with his mode of transportation.

  Lisa Marie wrinkled her nose. "What's that smell?"

  "It's either Nick or the truck," Christie said. "It smells like ... something rude."

  Lisa Marie pretended to gag. "Oh, it's nasty!"

  Nick almost chuckled at the looks on their faces. "Good afternoon, ladies," he said as he walked to the door.

  "Wow," Lisa Marie said, her gaze following him. "Nice body."

  "Is that good?" Christie asked.

  Lisa Marie shrugged. "My mom's second husband was a hunk. A real studster. Spent all day in front of the mirror, combing his hair."

  "I don't think Nick does that. I've never seen him comb his hair."

  "Of course not. You don't find these things out until after the wedding. They're always on their good behavior beforehand. As far as we know, this Nick could be marrying your mother for her money."

  "I don't think she has that much," Christie whispered.

  "Yes, but Nick doesn't know that," Lisa Marie whispered in return. "He might be hoping for a new truck."

  Both girls pressed their lips into grim lines.

  Billie opened the door with a can of air freshener in her hand.

  "I brought some fertilizer for your garden," Nick said, looking at the can. "But I guess you already know that."

  Billie grinned. "This is for Buffy. She threw up on the couch."

  Nick took a step back and looked at Billie. She was wearing a jeans skirt that came to just above her knees, showing off long slim tanned legs and dainty feet in red flats. She wore a matching red tank top that tucked into the skirt and molded to her high round breasts. If you took away the tiny laugh lines at the corners of her eyes she wouldn't look a day over sixteen, Nick decided. He grabbed her at the waist and pulled her to him for a possessive hello kiss. "I didn't want to disappoint the girls," he explained when he set her free.

  Billie looked over his shoulder at Christie and Lisa Marie. They seemed frozen in time, their mouths hanging open, eyes wide. "They appear to be properly impressed."

  Nick followed her into the kitchen and pinned her to the counter. "How about you? Are you impressed?" he asked, running his warm hand the length of her arm, nibbling on the sensitive area just below her ear.

  His touch stirred memories of more intimate encounters, causing her heart to beat faster and her breasts to grow heavy. She felt his hand drop to her hip and begin to explore the contours of one buttock. She raised her arms to encircle his neck and tilted her head back for a kiss.

  "Yuck," Joel said from the kitchen table. "Is this going to get mushy?"

  Nick and Billie jumped apart. "I didn't see him sitting there!" Nick whispered. "I'm not used to looking for little people."

  Billie swallowed. "No, it's definitely not going to get mushy. We were just discussing the chicken, weren't we?"

  Nick smiled at Joel, but the boy glanced away. Billie's kids didn't particularly like him. Not that he blamed them. They'd come home to find a new man in their mother's life and talk of a wedding. He needed to find a way to get to know them better so they could all feel more comfortable.

  Billie stuffed her hands into mitten-type potholders. "Yessir, the chicken ... we were wondering if it was done." She hauled the chicken out of the oven and stuck it with a giant fork. "Yup, this sucker's done, all right." She looked at Nick and shuddered at the desire she found in his dark eyes. "Let's eat," she announced a little breathlessly, deciding this was going to be one long meal.

  * * * * *

  Lisa Marie selected a piece of white meat and turned her attention to Nick. "So, do you have a job?"

  Nick thought about it for a minute, surprised to discover that he didn't actually have a job. He gave a few riding lessons, he bought and trained horses, and he owned the newspaper. None of those things seemed to be in the "job" category. A job sounded stuffy and obligatory to him. And while all his activities were in the black, thanks to sound financial management, he didn't really need the income from any of them. "Not what you'd call a real job."

  Lisa Marie and Christie exchanged glances.

  Nick leaned forward and smiled at Lisa Marie. "I could give you a full financial disclosure, if that would help."

  "Are you solvent?" she asked.

  "Excuse me," Billie said, deciding Lisa Marie had interrogated him enough.

  "Absolutely," Nick said.

  "No debts?"

  "I put a case of dog food on my charge card yesterday."

  Joel looked interested. "You have dogs?"

  "A whole herd of them."

  "Boy, could I see them sometime?"

  Nick helped himself to mashed potatoes. "You bet. In fact, we could all go to my house after supper and take them for a walk in the woods."

  Joel turned to his mother. "Could we do that?"

  Lisa Marie still looked skeptical. "About your truck—"

  Nick took a sip of water. "The one in the driveway?"

  "Why does it smell so bad?"

  Nick tilted back in his chair and laughed. "Because it's partially filled with fertilizer. Composted manure from my horses."

  Lisa Marie and Christie exchanged glances again. "You have horses?" they said in unison.

  "A whole herd of them."

  "Oh, wow, horses," Joel said, jumping up in his chair. "That's so neat." He accidentally tipped his milk over and everyone scrambled to avoid the flood. "Oh, gross, it's in the peas," he said. "I'm not eating milk peas."

  Nick contributed his napkin to the blotting effort and decided this was infinitely different from eating alone at his place. Even when Fong was at home, meals were usually quiet affairs dispensed with behind a competing newspaper. And lately, when he had a dinner date it became a sparring match for the main event. This meal was ... on fire!

  In his rush to help clean up the milk, Joel had knocked over a candlestick and ignited the paper napkin lining the wicker basket of dinner rolls, which in turn set fire to a sprig of baby's breath in Billie's dried-flower arrangement. All at once, the whole thing lit up.

  Nick felt himself knocked aside and stood dumbfounded as Billie trained a fire extinguisher on the table.

  There was a full minute of utter silence as everyone stared at the foam-covered mess. A stunned Nick was the first to break it. "Maybe we should go out for burgers."

  Billie looked dazed. "Burgers?"

  "Can we get greasy, salty French fries?" Joel asked. "And thick shakes? The kind you suck your guts out when you try to drink them through a straw?"

  "Yeah," Nick said, "we can get all those things. And afterward, we can go back to my house and all go on a trail ride." He paused, suspecting it would be quite an ordeal saddling five horses, teaching the kids the fundamentals, and then trying to keep everybody together.

  "We don't have to ride in your truck, do we?" Christie said.

  Nick looked at Billie. "I think your mom will lend us her minivan."

  "Everyone needs to change clothes," Billie said dully, as her children raced up the stairs in unbridled excitement, even Christie and Lisa Marie, who tried so hard to forget they were still kids. Billie stared at her ruined dinner. She had worked so hard to see that everything was perfect. "What a mess."

  Nick put an arm around her. "It was a wonderful dinner, honey. I'm sorry your meal got ruined. I'll help c
lean up when we get back." He looked around. Cleaning up would be no small task. "Does this sort of thing happen often?"

  "We have a lot of milk spills. We usually only have a fire once or twice a year." Billie sighed. "You don't have to take us for burgers. I'd understand if you wanted to leave now."

  "Not a chance. I'm going to put Lisa Marie on Zeke."

  Billie chuckled as she hurried upstairs to change.

  * * * * *

  An hour later Nick watched his novice horsemen move their mounts into the outdoor ring. He gave them a fifteen-minute lesson and led them down the dusty drive to the fields bordering his house. The grass was tall and sunburned, sprinkled with hardy blue cornflowers and purple thistle. A hint of a breeze stirred the tall weeds and grazed the horses and riders. They followed a narrow path where the brush had been beaten into submission by previous horses carrying riders on evening trail rides throughout the spring and summer.

  Since Billie was the only other semi-experienced rider, Nick had put her and Velvet last in line. She looked ahead at her children and her lover and thought her heart would burst. Even if they didn't get married, she would always love Nick for calmly sitting through what was possibly the worst dinner of the century, for scarfing down burgers and fries while Lisa Marie continued to grill him about his health habits, and because he was now pointing out a whippoorwill to Joel who was fascinated.

  She watched the heads of her children bobbing before her on their ponies and breathed a long sigh of contentment. It was nice to have them home. She felt at peace with the world. She only wished she could feel more secure in her relationship with Nick.

  The sound of a muted boom startled the horses and riders alike. Nick quickly dismounted and got the situation under control, calming the animals as a shaken Billie watched in amazement the small puff of black smoke rise from the trees bordering Nick's house.

  Nick uttered an expletive and mounted his horse. "Max."

  Everyone strained to see beyond the trees, but the only thing visible was a strange little cloud that slowly traveled with the wind and dissipated piece by piece.

  Noting that the children were safe, Billie nudged Velvet over to Nick. "You think he blew up something?"

  He turned his horse off the path and headed for the house. "I guess I'd better investigate."

  So much for peace and tranquillity, Billie thought as she ordered the kids to stay close.

  They approached from the back of the house and saw no apparent damage. The acrid smell of gunpowder permeated the air, and a gray fog hung low to the ground. "Looks like a smoke bomb," Nick said.

  "Why would he set off a smoke bomb?"

  Nick clenched his teeth. "Bait."

  "Ohmigod, what do you think he has in mind?"

  That was when they saw it—the white sack sitting in the middle of the patio. A whistle blew and a portable tape recorder kicked in. "Attention. Attention. If you want to be heard, then you have to make a loud noise."

  Nick whirled around and sent the horses running away from the sack. "Head for the stable," he yelled, knowing the horses would eagerly comply.

  "Ten, nine, eight ..." the recorder counted. There was an enormous barooom, and the white sack exploded.

  Christie pulled her horse to a halt and wrinkled her nose. "Holy Toledo, what is that smell?"

  Nick shifted in his saddle. "I think it was a stink bomb."

  "You know what it smells like?" Joel giggled. "It smells like a giant—"

  "Joel Pearce," Billie warned, "please watch your language. We know what it smells like. All of you dismount now." She wasn't about to take a chance on another scare that might cause one of the children to be thrown from a horse.

  "I'll probably smell like this for the rest of the summer," Lisa Marie said, once a groom had taken the reins from several horses and led them inside the stable. "It's probably in my hair. I'll have to shave my head. Can you imagine me, the most popular girl at school, with no hair?"

  Billie stroked Velvet's neck and tried to calm him. "Max!" she shouted. "I know you're out there, you irresponsible, self-centered, spoiled brat. I want you front and center right this minute. I demand an apology for putting my children at risk."

  "Yeah, you little twerp," Christie yelled, "if I get my hands on you, you'll be dog meat." She turned to her mother. "Who's Max?"

  "Irresponsible?" an indignant voice answered from a large azalea bush. "Irresponsible? I'm not irresponsible. He's the one who's irresponsible!" Max emerged from the bush and pointed at Nick. "He won't take a stand. He won't lift a finger to save millions of innocent birds."

  Billie handed her reins to the groom and stomped over to Max. "Listen to me, you juvenile delinquent. You don't just go around destroying other people's property because you have a differing opinion. You could have frightened these horses, and my children could have been thrown off and injured." She had to pause to catch her breath. "And who do you think you are anyway to dictate what Nick should do with his paper? We respect people's rights in this country. For crying out loud, Max, grow up!" She hadn't realized she was shouting.

  Max squinted at Billie. "Who are you?"

  "Billie Pearce. And these are my two children, Joel and Christie, and Christie's friend Lisa Marie."

  "My hair is ruined, thanks to you," Lisa Marie said.

  "My mom teaches sixth grade," Joel said when Max's gaze fell on him.

  Max rolled his eyes. "I would have figured her for a prison guard at San Quentin."

  Nick put a firm hand on Max's arm. "I'd like to speak with you in private," he said between clenched teeth. "In the house."

  "Man, he's gonna get it now," Joel said.

  Billie felt a stab of compassion for Max when he returned. He looked so small next to Nick. Not to mention confused.

  "I'm sorry," he said to Billie. "I was rude."

  "Yes, you were. Why did you come out of the bushes just now? I thought you were in hiding."

  Max tipped his baseball cap farther back on his head. "I've run out of money and candy bars." Max plunged his hands into the pockets of long denim shorts and stared at the toes of his high-top sneakers.

  Billie shook her head sadly. He was just a kid. And he couldn't be as bad as all that if he cared passionately about a bunch of ducks and snipes. "So," Billie said to Max, "have you had supper?"

  He pulled four candy wrappers out of his pocket. "I've been living on field rations."

  Billie grimaced. "No wonder you're not thinking clearly. How about if we go inside, and I whip up some food for you?" She looked at Nick. "Is that all right? Can you watch my kids?"

  Nick shrugged, but his eyes hardened when he turned to Max. "No funny stuff. I mean it."

  "Max and I will be just fine," Billie replied, pointing toward the house authoritatively. "Let's go." She started walking and he followed.

  "Seems to me there were some hamburger patties in the freezer," Billie said to Max once they walked through the front door of the house. "You like hamburgers?"

  "If you do them on the grill."

  She shot him a look. "As long as you behave yourself."

  A few minutes later, Billie placed the patties on the indoor grill and handed Max the recipe for homemade chocolate ice cream. "You're in charge of dessert."

  "I can't cook."

  "You're about to learn." She dragged the ice-cream maker to the front of the counter and plugged it in. "You make the ice cream while I fix a salad."

  Max surveyed the ingredients lined up before him and began measuring. "This is like chemistry," he said.

  "Do you like chemistry?"

  He nodded. "I have my own laboratory at home. I set one up on Nick's property, but it's pretty simple compared to my other one."

  "Don't you have anything better to do than make bombs?"

  Max licked a splot of chocolate sauce off his finger. "No. I'm on vacation. Actually. I don't have anything better to do ever. I go to college, but I don't need a job because I'm so rich. It all seems kind of pointless."


  Billie looked at him, nonplussed. "That's ridiculous. You have a chance to do all kinds of wonderful things. What about the birds? If you're so interested in them, you could be a naturalist or an ornithologist."

  "I'd rather be a rock star. They get all the girls."

  Billie set a bowl of salad in front of him. "You like girls?"

  Max ate a radish. "Yeah, but it's a little limiting being four years younger and six inches shorter than all the girls you go to school with."

  "Don't you know any girls your own age?"

  "I don't know anybody my age."

  Billie checked on the ice cream. "Must be lonely."

  He shrugged. "I'm used to it." He poured ketchup and mustard on the hamburger Billie handed him, added a few pickle slices, and chomped into it.

  Nick, Joel, Christie, and Lisa Marie came in just as Max was finishing his third hamburger.

  Christie's eyes were shining. "Nick said next time we come we can brush the horses before we ride them, and he's going to teach me how to jump, and he says I need a pony-club-approved hat."

  Joel rubbed his eyes and yawned. "I'm tired."

  Billie scooped out the fresh-made ice cream. "Too tired for dessert?"

  "I made it," Max said. "I made it all by myself."

  Christie looked at him suspiciously. "Will it blow up or smell bad?"

  "I've decided to go into retirement on the bomb stuff. It was getting boring."

  "I've got more important things for Max to do," Billie said.

  He looked at her. "You do?"

  She smiled sweetly. "If you're such a genius, I figure you could fix a number of things in my house. To sort of make up for scaring me and risking bodily injury to my children."

  Max squirmed in his seat. "Okay."

  "I'll see you at eight a.m. sharp."

  "How will I get there?"

  "You're smart enough to figure it out."

  Nick tried to hide his amusement as he watched Max's shoulders sag. Max had just met his match, and it would probably do him a world of good.

  Nick ate his ice cream in silence, watching Billie, her children, and Max. A ready-made family, he reminded himself. A little different from what he'd imagined getting involved in. Kids were noisy, demanding, and took up a lot of time. It would mean a lot more responsibility than he presently had.