The Bare Necessities

by John David Harding

  “I think that's a compliment,” he told her. “But I am not sure it was meant as one.”

  Paige shrugged and watched the small town whizz past her window. They travelled and chatted warmly on the short journey before overtaking some ominously parked vehicles and pulling into Lucinda's driveway.

  “Fuck, Lucinda really did have company,” Paige cried as Jack had to navigate around the large, rusting salon car with a smirk. “The old fox.”

  “That's my aunt your talking about!”

  “Chill,” Paige barked and grinned.

  “OK, we better go in the back way.”

  “You must be joking!” Paige cried and got out the car. “I want to meet her new fella.” Jack pulled a face at her, but the drunken girl just snorted. “She's hardly likely to be screwing on the rug in the lounge, is she?”

  “Paige …” Jack called, but his date was impatient and she grabbed him by the hand and swayed from side to side as he unlocked the door. “You know, I think you are too wild for me when you've had a drink!”

  “I'm too wild for you when I ain't had a drinkie!” Paige cried and burst into the hallway, looking towards the open lounge door, from where they heard voices.

  “You're back?” Lucinda called out, and Paige bit her lip as her head poked through the open doorway.

  “Paige,” Jack hissed, but the tipsy girl ignored him.

  “Hi,” she muttered and looked at the table in the middle of the room. Three wine bottles sat on the table, and Lucinda followed Paige's gaze.

  “Don't tell Jack,” she pleaded.

  “Don't tell me what?” Her nephew asked and crossed his arms as he came into the room and groaned. “That's a lot of bottles, Aunty and…”

  “Don't start,” she snapped and gestured towards Paige and Jack. “No need for introductions, right?”

  Paige frowned as she looked at the balding man sat opposite Jack's aunt. “Why?”

  Lucinda froze and looked at her partner and then at the two teenagers by the door. “You've not met?”

  “No,” they replied in unison.

  Lucinda sniggered. “Paige, Jack. This is your agent, Greg.”

  * * * * *

  “It's nice,” Andre admitted as he held Claire's hand. They sat on the picnic rug by the lake, and she looked across at him, smiling.

  “I know. It's one of my favourite places.”

  “It's where you met Paige, right?”

  Claire shook her head. “No,” she said as she opened the rucksack containing a sparse picnic. “That was … a different site. Umm, this is much smaller. That's why it's got fewer facilities. But it has this lake in the forest.” She shrugged and smiled. “I got my first kiss, at this lake. Hell, actually. I got my only kiss at this lake.”

  Andre giggled. “Marie Jamieson. Year seven disco. Mind you, she kissed everyone. No-one ever forgets their first kiss. Soft lips.” He rubbed his lip as he smiled. “She's now works in a prison, so I doubt she kisses quite as much.”

  “You never know,” Claire joked and passed her companion a bag of crisps, an apple and some foil wrapped sandwiches. The naked man took them and looked back at her. “So how is your first proper naturist holiday?”

  Andre took a bite of his sandwich, so he didn't have to answer immediately and then stretched. “It's … umm … it's a bit basic.”

  “They are a bit more basic in this country,” Claire responded. “We've been abroad. Mum and Dad and me, and it's bigger over there. I mean, this is a nice site, and we come regularly, but they do whole Center Parcs style stuff abroad.” Andre smiled as she spoke. “But what about it, you seem happier now?”

  “So do you,” Andre replied. “You're not as stressed.”

  “And neither are you.”

  “It's only you and your friends that make me stressed. You know, I am doing a serious amount of work for next to no commission.” Claire glared at him. “OK, not as high commission as I am used to.”

  “That's better,” Claire told him and leant across. “But you get the wonderfulness of my company.”

  Andre went to speak, but the look on Claire's face stopped him, and he sighed. “OK. I am very grateful you chose me. I know there were bigger agents out there wanting you.”

  “We went with the one who we felt we could trust,” Claire admitted. “And I can't imagine any of the arrogant twats who visited us that day who would take their client to a naturist resort for a couple of days to help her unwind. They'd just check her into Champneys or the Priory.”

  “Yeah … well … that's umm … ahem,” Andre stumbled, and Claire opened her bag of crisps.

  “It is appreciated,” she told him. “I'm glad we came. A rest is just what I needed. Paige just seems to go forever, and Jack will do whatever Paige says, but I like my slow pace of life.” She leant back on the rug and looked up at the sky. “What can you see in the clouds?”

  Andre looked up, and Claire beckoned her holiday partner to lie on the rug next to her. “That one there, looks just like a car,” Andre suggested, and Claire hummed. “And that one is a guitar.”

  “Maybe,” she said and put her hand in his grasp. “And if you look really closely, that one's cloud-shaped.” Andre laughed at her and squeezed her hand. “I could lie here all day talking to you. And just chill.”

  Andre sighed and smiled at her. “I could lie here all day, too.”

  “Well you better, I'm not going anywhere,” she said with a smile and touched his thigh with her hands. She adjusted herself on the blanket and sighed before closing her eyes. “Lovely,” she whispered.

  * * * * *

  “Paige, this is a really bad idea.”

  “It's a really good idea,” Jack was told angrily as Paige browsed the shelves of the shop. He pulled his hood over his head and glanced up and down the aisle.

  “Paige, seriously …”

  “Oh what?” Paige spat and glared at him. “I want to get some of this stuff without being noticed. This is the last thing I want to be on the front page of the sodding tabloids with. It'd spoil everything.” Jack pulled his jacket hood further over his head, and Paige snarled at him. “You are really not blending in.”

  “Oh relax. Everyone is always shifty in shops like this. But this is a terrible idea. What if …”

  “You know what was said last night. Before your aunt asking us if she needed to let you have any condoms.”

  “Don't,” Jack told his friend. “That was embarrassing.”

  “I think it was more embarrassing when she asked me if I had a preferred brand or flavour,” Paige sniggered. “And then recommending the ribbed ones for the ultimate in pleasure and …”

  “Just don't remind me,” Jack interrupted. “I've not been so embarrassed for years!”

  Paige shrugged. “It's only natural, y'know. Can't believe you went so red!” She hummed and then looked on the shelf, taking a small box from the shelf and turning it over in her hand. “Looks fine,” she told him and raised her eyebrows at him. “Do you want to check? It's got everything on the box, battery life sounds fine. I'll just have to turn it on when I am ready.”

  “Paige,” Jack moaned. “I am really not comfortable about this.”

  Paige opened her hands and smirked. “It's the only way, Jack. And it will work, trust me,” she promised.

  “It better,” Jack replied, sharply, and Paige reached over and kissed him on the lips.

  “It will,” she whispered. “I'm looking forward to it. I think we'll have some fun with this.”

  * * * * *

  Claire passed Andre the collapsed tent in its bag, and he loaded it into his car. “You can't be doing that badly out of us,” Claire suggested. “You have a new car.”

  “No,” Andre admitted. “We aren't doing too badly from your success. Ummm … but we are working for it.”

  Claire rubbed her hair and smoothed the clothes on her agent. “I know. And I think it's good that you have done well. You deserve it.” She batted her eyes at him as she sm
iled. “And as we are getting popular …” She started.

  “Yes I know. The amount of people contacting us about representing them,” Andre moaned. “You name it. Please do for us what you did for the Bare Necessities.” Claire laughed.

  “But … we did most of that.”

  “Maybe they should just employ you,” Andre teased and then he bit his lip. “We've been so busy. We even had a couple think I was Max Clifford. I had a young lady come to see me and say that your biggest fan had been forcing her into sex since she was 14, and could she get herself into the papers.”

  “Our biggest fan?” Claire asked with a scowl. “Who? Paul?”

  “No,” Andre snapped. “Peter Moran. She came and said she had proof. I told her to go the Police but I don't know if she did. But that's not to go any further, because I don't know if that's true.”

  “Who is she?”

  “Some neighbour or something. But this is not to go any further, Claire. I shouldn't have told you. And you are not to tell Paige; she'll only go and shoot her mouth off and we can't prove any of it, and she will get sued. You know how libel-happy Peter Moran is.”

  Claire smiled. “I won't tell her,” she promised and hummed. “Are all your stories like that? Can't prove 'em”

  “I can prove some of them,” Andre replied. “But we choose not to.”

  Claire giggled. “Some of those stories you told me last night about wild clients. And would-be clients. You should write a book.”

  Andre sighed. “That would not go down very well with our clients. They value discretion. And the wildest ones, I can't tell even you.”

  “Ahh, and there was me thinking I could trust you,” Claire teased.

  “You can,” Andre panicked. “You …”

  “I know I can,” Claire replied and opened the door to his brand new hatchback. “I wouldn't have let you sign us if I couldn't have trusted you. I wouldn't have come on this holiday with you. And last night wouldn't have happened.” Her eyes lowered, and she bit her lip. “I like you Andre.”

  Andre shrugged. “I like you too.”

  “No, you don't get it. I like you as in, I really like you.” Andre coughed, and Claire beamed at him. “I think Paige is really quite domineering, and you are always so calm when you deal with her. And, you are good at listening, and you are really genuine.” Claire blushed and looked away.

  Andre put his rucksack on the floor and opened his arms. “I really like you too,” he said, embracing the teenager with a broad smile. “How the hell you can cope with Paige's energy, I will never, ever know!”

  “She's just full of beans,” Claire replied. “A lust for life.”

  “You weren't so bad yourself last night,” he teased and Claire blushed.

  “Yeah, don't tell the others 'bout that,” she pleaded. “I don't want twenty questions.”

  “I am always discreet,” Andre promised and he kissed his new girlfriend. “You know that!”

  * * * * *

  “Are you still moaning?” Paige told her companion as he pulled into the leafy Southend street that marked their destination “You heard what Greg said. This doesn't end until one of us stops it.”

  “But Paige, this is going to end badly. Trust me on this.”

  “Well have you got any better ideas?” Jack hummed at her. “See told you. Now shut up and park the car.”

  “Do you even know what number she lives at?”

  “Yep. Oh, don't look at me like that. Her address is on the website of Christian Outrage. They are a charity or a non-profit or something. It's the law.”

  “Wow. You found that.”

  “No. Lucinda did.” Paige smirked at her friend. “She's been very helpful. Once I explained our plan.”

  “Don't even go there,” Jack moaned as he stopped the car next to a tree. Paige opened the box and took out some jewellery, fixing a broach to her T-shirt, and she winked at him.

  “Let's go and sort this out,” she said confidently, and the couple disembarked from the vehicle. They probably could have guessed which house belonged to Sue Garratt without the address as only one property had the Christian symbol by the front door and a psalm carved onto wood hanging over the porch.

  “Nervous?”

  “Course not,” Paige lied and rang the doorbell of the property. They heard movement from behind the glass fronted door, and Paige grinned at her partner.

  “What are you two doing here? It's harassment, this is?”

  Paige gestured behind her. “There are no cameras, Sue. No paps. Just you and us.”

  “Our spat, Mrs Garratt,” Jack said anxiously. “We want it to end.”

  “Well you know what you have to do to make it end,” the Christian said firmly. “But I fear that you don't want to repent.”

  Paige beamed. “We want to talk,” she said in an unnaturally sweet voice. “And come to an agreement.”

  “What she means is, is that we want to talk to you. This isn't a set up, there's no cameras, there's no publicity. Our agent doesn't know we are here. Neither does Claire. It's just us and you.”

  Sue whistled while she weighed up the faces of the two teenagers and looked at both of them in turn, clearly trying to read their minds. She sniffed, and the white-haired battleaxe opened the door. “Come in then, let's talk.”

  Paige smiled at Jack and entered the musty household. It was clean and impeccably presented, but there were an incredible number of ornaments and paintings on the old-fashioned wallpaper. Sue showed them to the red and cream living room, decorated in flowery wallpaper with over 100 figurines around the room.

  Paige and Jack sat on the cream sofa, and Paige turned to face Sue as she lowered herself onto her chair. “We want to tone down, the rhetoric,” Jack asked her. “I don't think it's good for you and I don't think it's good for us.”

  Sue Garratt considered this for a moment. “Are you going to keep making those abominable shows? Enticing our youth into immorality and depravity. Turning them against the Lord's words?”

  Paige bit her lip. “We will be naturists, yes. But naturism isn't against the teachings of the bible,” Jack asserted. “It's non-sexual nudity.”

  “Adam and Eve were ashamed of their nudity,” Sue told them. “Isaiah Chapter 47 Verse 3. Your nakedness shall be uncovered, and your disgrace shall be seen. Ezekiel Chapter 16 Verse 35. O prostitute, hear the word of the Lord. Thus says the Lord God, Because your lust was poured out and your nakedness uncovered in your whorings with your lovers, and with all your abominable idols, and because of the blood of your children that you gave to them.”

  “I am not a prostitute,” Paige barked.

  Sue laughed. “You are a prostitute in every way. Adhering to the nasty and vile demands of your puppetmasters for a few shillings of dirty money. And Revelations Chapter 17. And the ten horns that you saw, they and the beast will hate the prostitute. They will make her desolate and naked, and devour her flesh and burn her up with fire. You my dear, are already naked, you shall be made desolate and your flesh devoured.”

  “I do not know what to say,” Paige muttered and clenched her fists.

  Jack pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. “How about 'The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. Can we not agree to disagree on the subject of our nakedness?”

  Sue shook her head. “Not while you are spewing the dangerous images into our society. We are outraged.”

  “You are having a membership boost,” Paige reminded her and smiled. “Your website says that membership applications, with the membership fee, are taking a bit longer to process because you've got too many.”

  “Unprecedented demand was what was said,” Jack told her friend, and they looked at Sue with wide smiles. “So your outrage is just a marketing exercise, right?”

  Sue gulped. “No. Now I think it's a good idea if you leave. I've heard enough. You have no wish to repent your sins and …”

  “We are thinking are making a donation,” Paige offered with
a forced smile as Jack's eyes widened. “For your good work of course. I mean, there are hundreds, thousands of music bands who sing about worshipping Satan and all that. Why pick on us? If we give you some money, then you can go picket someone else.”

  Sue looked directly at Paige and pursed her lips. “What makes you think that we can be bought?”

  “Because I looked … well Jack's aunt looked … at some of your press releases. They all follow a similar pattern. Get worked up, loads of releases, tail off and pick a new target. And shortly afterwards there is a Christian church, or school, or project gets a bundle of money from you. So who is it, and how much?”

  Sue smiled. “Very enterprising. I'm almost impressed.” Paige shrugged. “It normally takes a bit longer for the immoral heathens to crumble.”

  “Come on then, who and how much? We have to go back and sell it to Claire, so we need to know how much you want.”

  Sue bit her lip. “There's a … er … well there's a playgroup that's about to made homeless. They need to buy the centre.”

  “How much?” Paige insisted.

  “I do not talk money in my house,” Sue replied tersely. “But it is a sizeable sum.”

  “And if we don't, you will continue causing trouble for us?”

  “You are violating the good word of God,” Sue snapped at her. “I can't be expected to say nothing.” Paige sniffed and rubbed her eyes. “The playgroup is on London Road. The site goes for auction in ten days.”

  Paige got up from her chair and looked at Jack. “We'll see ourselves out,” she told their host and gestured for Jack to get up from his seat. “And we'll think about it. We'll talk to Claire.”

  Sue used the arms of her sedan chair to pull herself upright, and she looked at the fiery redhead. “You lot always settle,” she told her. “It's easier that way. The pub did, the brothel did, the gambling den did. You will.”

  Paige smiled. “I am sure we will,” she promised and strode down the hall to the front door. Paige practically ran to the car and looked behind her at Jack shaking his head.

  “That wasn't part of the plan,” he said to his friend fiercely as they entered the car.