Standstill

by Nicole Dykes

  I stand up. “I’ll go get some champagne so we can celebrate.” I look to Erin. “Sparkling water?”

  “That would be great.”

  “I’ll help.” I hear Ashlyn from behind me as I’ve already started toward the kitchen. Fuck. Here comes the lecture.

  I walk inside, and the sliding glass door whooshes closed behind me. “Are you okay?”

  What the fuck? She’s worried about me being okay?

  “I’m happy for them.”

  “Not about that.” I already knew that. “About me and Archer.”

  There’s a her and Archer. “You let some guy feel you up in our pool, and I’m supposed to what? Have another freak-out. I’m good, Ash.”

  She rolls her eyes at me and sits down on the stool, still wet from the pool. And God, I hope just from the water. “Stop. Okay? That was awkward as hell. I never meant for you to walk in on that.”

  “Right. That’s why you were behind closed doors.”

  Fuck, that’s even worse. I don’t want them to be behind closed doors ever.

  “You haven’t been home before nine all fucking week. I didn’t think it would be an issue. It’s my goddamn pool, too. I’ll use it how I please!”

  She’s pissed. She jumps up from the stool and walks to me, seething with anger.

  “Good to know. I always figured fucking in the pool was off-limits. You know, out of respect.”

  She glares at me, her small hands close into angry fists. “We weren’t fucking. And as if you’ve ever had respect for me. How many half-naked chicks have I talked to in the morning after you fucked them and then dumped them like trash?”

  I lean in closer to her, my stomach revolting when I realize she smells like him. “I’m not half-naked and pressed up against them.”

  “Big fucking deal. Get over it.”

  I can’t resist. I fucking know I should. Everything inside of me says to shut the fuck up. My face lowers so I’m looking directly into her beautiful, rage-filled eyes. “Were you thinking about me?” My hand slides over her bare side and over the tattoo that matches my own. I know she wants to pull away, but I also know that she doesn’t because she leans into the touch. “When his hands were on you. When his cock was pressed against you, did you wish it was mine?”

  “Who are you?” She swallows as my body presses her even further against the counter.

  “I’m the guy who fucked you in this very house only weeks ago. The guy you close your eyes and still fucking think about, even with his hands touching you.”

  Her hand pushes mine off her. “No. You were my best friend in the world. Now, you’re just an asshole who doesn’t give a fuck.”

  “Bullshit, Ashlyn. I’ve always been an asshole.”

  She grabs the champagne and grabs the handle to the door. “You were always a friend first.”

  Fuck!

  I try to take a breath and fight the demons inside me, cursing every fucking choice I’ve made for the last fucking decade.

  This break in the silence was definitely not the way I wanted it to be.

  I down another beer and stare at the television I didn’t even bother to turn on. Ashlyn is out on a date with fuckboy, and I’m here.

  Alone.

  She can’t even look at me anymore. And I have no idea how we got here.

  There’s a knock on the door, and I grunt a quick, “It’s open.” Because at this fucking point, what the hell do I care if it’s the mailman or an axe-murderer.

  Well fuck. It’s Reed, and he stands in front of me, clearly not pleased.

  “What, is this going to be our new thing? You showing up whenever?”

  “Looks like you need adult supervision. So yeah, maybe.”

  I raise my middle finger and finish my beer.

  He looks around the messy living room. “It’s three in the afternoon, and you’re on your what, fifth fucking beer?”

  I stand up, walking to the fridge, grabbing a beer and twisting it open. “Now, I am.” I take a drink and saunter back to the couch.

  “You aren’t in college anymore, asshole. You’re just a sad adult, drinking during the day.”

  “Fuck off. It’s not morning, and it’s close to evening.”

  He takes a seat in the chair opposite me, scrubbing his hands over his face. “What’s going on with you, man?”

  “I’m fucking fine.”

  “You actually believe that, or do you think I’m just that fucking dumb?”

  I shrug. “I mean, there was a reason I never copied your homework.”

  And now he raises his middle finger. “Asshole.”

  “What? Why the fuck are you checking up on me?”

  I know exactly why he’s here, but I don’t want this to be a thing. I don’t want my friends checking on me. “Well, for one thing, I was witness to that awkward as fucking hell scene in your kitchen the other day.” He points to the large kitchen window that looks out over the backyard. “You know, if you’re gonna practically dry hump Ash, maybe close the fucking shades.”

  “There was definitely no humping.”

  “It was intense as hell. And sitting out there with Archer was fucking fun.”

  I take another drink, letting the liquid pool in the back of my dry throat. “Yeah, he seems like a winner.”

  “Actually, he seems to really care for Ash. Which is what we should all want, right? A good guy who will care for her.”

  “We don’t know that fucking guy. He could be a psychopath for all we fucking know, and you guys have her already fucking married to him.”

  He eyes me, appraising my current state. “As opposed to the drunk asshole she has at home?”

  “Fuck. Off,” I growl, and it’s all I have because there’s really no argument. I kick my legs up on the coffee table, and the fucker stands up, knocking them down, forcing me to sit up while he sits on the table in front of me.

  “Enough bullshit. I’ve been a terrible fucking friend. I got married. I have a busy fucking career. And you and Ash bring back painful fucking memories. So, I’ve been shitty. But I’m fucking here now. And I’m telling you, Paige would not want this.”

  I lean forward, a growl deep in my throat. “Don’t fucking talk about her right now.”

  “Oh, I’m gonna talk about her. She was my fucking friend too, and she would be furious with me if I didn’t.” My fingers grip the glass bottle in my hand too tightly, and I’m afraid it might shatter, but not enough to let go. “You love Ashlyn. It’s so fucking clear. You’re a jealous motherfucker when you see her with Archer. You love her. So, what the fuck is holding you back?”

  “Ashlyn is my friend.”

  “No. She’s not. You don’t look at Erin like you want to rip her throat out when she kisses me.” He gestures between us. “We’re friends. You want Ash. What the fuck is your problem, you pussy?”

  I stand up, slamming the beer bottle on the coffee table next to him. “Paige! I can’t fucking date Ashlyn. That’s some twisted, fucked-up shit.”

  He shakes his head, staying still. “Paige would want you to be happy.”

  I shake my head at him, furious. The rage building inside me so intensely I’m not sure I can remain standing. “Look, Paige was fucking incredible. And yes, she was kind, but she had insecurities when it came to Ash.”

  He stands to look me in the eyes. “What do you mean?”

  I hate the fucking memories. “She loved Ashlyn, but there were times when Paige worried that maybe I had a thing for her.” I grasp my hair in my hands. Paige was shy when she brought it up. It wasn’t a rash confrontation, more of expressing a worry after seeing Ashlyn and I fucking around. Flirting. “And I told her she had nothing to worry about. That I fucking loved her only, which was true.”

  “Yeah, I know that.”

  “Fuck!” I grip my hair tighter. “Nothing ever fucking happened with Ashlyn, but Paige wasn’t totally fucking wrong. There was always a spark there.” I look him dead in the eyes. “She wouldn’t be okay with us. I
promise.”

  “Ah, okay. So she wouldn’t be okay with you and Ash in an actual relationship, but she would be cool with you guys shacking up and fucking occasionally?”

  “No.” My teeth clench together. “She wouldn’t like any of it.”

  “Wake the fuck up, man.” He starts toward the door. “Paige is gone, but Ashlyn is right in fucking front of you. For now.”

  He leaves me alone to wallow in my own self-pity and guilt. Every time Paige is brought up, I fight the urge to drink myself into oblivion, or I give in and do just that.

  The guilt is never ending.

  “So, do you want to talk about it?”

  I take a drink of my shake as I sit on the park bench with Archer. I haven’t seen him since that horrible day at my house. The day that started out really nice. Well, after work when we met for an early dinner, and then he came over to my house for a swim.

  I never in a million years pictured Erin, Reed, and Garrett crashing that private party, though.

  “Things with Garrett are complicated.”

  He licks his chocolate ice cream cone from the side. “I figured that out.”

  “He’s been my best friend for so long, but now it feels like I’m losing him, too.”

  “You knew him before the accident?”

  I nod my head and take another drink through the thick straw. “Yes. He used to date my friend who died. And then everything just fell apart.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah.” He pulls me closer to him and wraps an arm around my shoulder, and I lean into him, accepting the comfort. “We fell into this codependent relationship and just kind of used each other to escape the real world. Never really dated or tried to socialize, just drifted through the years.”

  “That’s understandable. You both lost someone close to you.”

  Archer is so fucking mature and grounded. I have no idea what he sees in me. I turn my head to look up at his handsome face. “But then . . .”

  “Sex happened?”

  I look at him, shocked as he reads my mind. “Yes.”

  “Yeah the sexual tension was pretty apparent the other day.”

  I cringe. “I’m so sorry about that.”

  He smiles and licks the cone again. “Why? You already apologized. I’m not one to hold a grudge.”

  “Why do you like me?” I blurt it out, and then I want to go die.

  Just curl up in a hole and cover myself with dirt.

  He just laughs as I cover my face, red with embarrassment and drops the cone in the trash next to bench. He uses both hands to pull my hand down and forces me to look at him. “You’re real. You have problems, and they shine, but who the fuck doesn’t? I hate fake bullshit, and you’ve been pretty damn real with me.”

  “By airing out all of my embarrassing dirty laundry?”

  “Yeah. Exactly.”

  “I don’t want to waste your time. I honestly don’t know if I will ever get over Garrett.” It may be the most honest thing I’ve ever said.

  “I don’t believe any time is ever wasted. We learn from every single thing we do in life, Ashlyn. So you do love him?”

  I nod, unable to say the words. “But he’s in love with Paige. And always will be.”

  He nods his head again. “And that’s why I think we should try this thing. You guys have been friends for a long time. And there is something missing or you would be together, right?”

  I nod my head. “Yes.”

  “If he can’t be there for you and be what you need, then don’t you think you deserve someone who will try?”

  I swallow the guilt and fear and lean forward, touching my lips to his. He’s right. Archer is here sitting in front of me and making an effort that Garrett never will.

  I care about Garrett, but he resembles a child who has a favorite toy he doesn’t even want until some other kid comes to play with it. And I’m not his goddamn toy anymore.

  When I get home, Garrett is lying on the couch, beer clutched to his chest in the dim room.

  I walk into the room with caution and stop to stand before him. I won’t ask if he’s okay. I know he’s not.

  “How was your date?”

  “Really nice, actually.”

  “Yeah, his cock finally make an appearance?”

  I roll my eyes. “That’s none of your business.”

  “Ah, right. You use my cock and then go out with him. Sorry I couldn’t help you out today.”

  I glare at him. “His cock works just fine, thank you.”

  I actually haven’t slept with Archer yet, but he’s pissing me off, and it clearly hits a nerve as he sits up. “You’ve fucked him?”

  I start to walk off, and he jumps up, blocking me.

  “Answer me.” His voice is desperate, and I can smell the alcohol on his breath.

  “It’s none of your business what I do with Archer.” I step to side and pass him. “I’m going to take a bath. You should try to sober up, the alcoholic look isn’t good.”

  He grumbles something as he heads out the patio door.

  My heart sinks because I know I can’t do this anymore.

  “Fuck.” I groan as I settle deeper in one of the lounge chairs, looking out over the pool. Ashlyn just got home less than an hour ago, and we’ve already been in a hate-inducing conversation.

  Was it even a conversation?

  I think my brain short-circuited when she mentioned using his cock.

  She walks outside, barefoot and wearing a plain tank and shorts, her hair wet and pulled into a bun.

  The alcohol is starting to wear off, and I think I need to grab another one as she sits down in the chair next to me. Her legs dangle over the side, and she’s facing me. “We have to talk. And I mean actually talk.”

  “About what?”

  “I took a bath, and I feel clear.”

  “I really don’t need to know what you do in the bath after a date. But my guess is, fuckboy wasn’t satisfying.”

  “Stop.” Her voice is deadly serious, and I regret turning to face her when I see the tears falling down her face. I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the chair to face her head-on.

  Fuck, it’s like a punch to the gut to see her cry. “Don’t cry.”

  “You can’t stand to see me cry? After all the things you’ve said to push me this far?”

  I swallow the bitter taste, but I don’t apologize. I know she doesn’t want to hear it.

  When I remain silent, she sighs and says softly. “I sunk into the water after putting my favorite Himalayan bath salts and bubble bath in it. The girly shit you hate.” I always tease her about smelling up our shower with girly shit. Her eyes meet mine, hers filled with tears. “And I took a deep breath in. Then I let out a beautiful, relaxing breath of air. It was like I’ve been holding my breath for so long. And I let it go.”

  I’m mesmerized by her lips as she speaks and the sparkling in her eyes. “What?’

  “The anger. The disappointment. The sadness. I let it escape with each breath. Then I shut my eyes, and when they opened, everything was so clear, Garrett.”

  My heart thunders in my chest as I wait.

  “I have to move out.”

  I can’t fucking breathe. All her breaths have led to mine halting completely. “What? No.”

  “I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been holding my breath and stayed frozen in time.”

  I stand up, my hand running furiously through my hair as I try to process what she’s telling me. “You can’t fucking leave. You told me you would never leave.”

  “I’m not leaving you. We’re still friends, but I have to move out because I can’t stand still any longer.” She stands too, her hands gripping my shoulders.

  “We own this house together.”

  “I want you to have it. You put down most of the down-payment anyway, and I know with your job, you can handle the mortgage.”

  “I don’t give a fuck about the mortgage.”

  “I know.” She says sadly and us
es one of her hands to tip my chin up to look at her. “Please know this . . .” Her chin trembles as she swallows and fights tears. “I love you. With every beat of my shattered heart. With every single frustrated breath. I. Love. You.” Her lips press softly against mine, and a salty tear slides down her cheek and travels to our touching mouths before she pulls back and whispers. “I always will.”

  She takes a deep breath and steps away from me, walking back toward our house that has just become only mine.

  Because today, I finally did it. I pushed away the best friend I’ve ever had.

  Four months later

  My fingers slide over the ridges of Archer’s ripped stomach and the sexy ink over his left pec and his entire arm. His hand massages the back of my neck. I love mornings like this.

  And I hate them.

  Every single time I open my eyes, I think about Garrett and the last time I saw him at our house when I finally reached my breaking point.

  I admitted out loud that I loved him, and then I left.

  I moved in with Erin and Reed, staying in their guest bedroom, and it’s been nice. But I’m glad I’m moving into my own place tomorrow. With a baby on the way, I don’t want to be a burden.

  But I couldn’t stay in the situation with Garrett. I know now that wasn’t healthy for either of us.

  Maybe I knew it all along but let fear hold me there.

  I tried to reach out to him, but he wants nothing to do with me. And after a handful of straight-to-voicemail calls to him, I gave up and settled into a relationship with Archer.

  But damn, if I don’t think about Garrett every single day. And Paige.

  “You ready to move into your new place?”

  I smile, tilting my head to look into his beautiful, soulful eyes. “Yes, and thank you for helping me.”

  Not that I have that much to move in. There was no way I was going back to that house to retrieve any of the things from my bedroom. I packed all of my clothes and essentials when I moved out. The rest can be replaced. He laughs as I rest my head on his shoulder. “No problem.” I can feel him smirking. “You ready for the party Erin is throwing you?”