Standstill

by Nicole Dykes

  My palm smacks my face. “I’m so sorry. I knew that. I should go.”

  He laughs and leads me over to the sofa, pulling me down next to him. “What’s up? Did you have a good time tonight?”

  “Um . . .” I struggle to find the right words. “It was fairly eventful.”

  “Yeah? You okay?” He has so much kindness in him. What the hell is wrong with me?

  “Something happened. Something that isn’t really that big of a deal, but I still feel like I should tell you about because you are really important to me.” I meet his concerned eyes. “I don’t want to hide anything from you.”

  The worry does not dissipate. “What happened?”

  “Garrett and I were talking after Reed and Erin left.”

  I notice his jaw tightening, not with jealousy or anger, still mostly concern if I had to guess. “And?”

  “Nothing. Nothing happened. We were just talking and then . . .” I’m talking too fast. I’m acting guilty. Am I? “There was like, a moment.”

  “A moment?”

  “An almost kiss. But nothing happened.”

  “He almost kissed you or you almost kissed him?”

  Be honest. “Both.”

  He nods, sitting up on the edge of the couch, his hands on his knees. “Okay.”

  “He stopped it, though, before it went too far. I truly care about you and wanted to tell you even though nothing really happened.”

  He turns to face me, looking over his shoulder. “He stopped it?”

  Oh. Shit. “I would have.”

  He nods his head, still remaining calm, leaning back into the couch and sighing. “Do you want to be with him?”

  The question is jarring, and I need a second. “I want to be with you.”

  “That’s not what I asked.”

  “Archer . . .”

  He turns to look at me straight in the eyes. “I care about you too, Ashlyn, but I’m not sharing you with another man. And I won’t go back to the jealous asshole I once was.”

  “I don’t expect you to.”

  “I don’t think that any time was wasted. I’ve enjoyed the hell out of the time we’ve had together.”

  I shake my head and place my hand on his shoulder, his skin is warm and inviting. “Don’t speak in past tense. Please don’t break up with me. I swear, it was nothing.”

  “I won’t be a placeholder until you and Garrett realize you want to make it work.”

  “That’s not what you are.” I truly mean it. He is nothing like that. I have enjoyed every minute with him.

  I wrap my arms around his neck and pull his body to mine, and he whispers in my ear with a sadness that’s almost unbearable to hear, “Just promise me, if you don’t want to be with me or if you do want to be with him, you’ll talk to me. No more of the ‘almost kiss’ bullshit.”

  I nod my head, snuggling up his neck. “I promise.”

  Garrett has moved on, let me go, and it’s time for me to do the same.

  I’m having a party tonight. Me. Well, more like a barbecue, but still. That’s fucking crazy.

  Thankfully the guest list is fucking short. Just Erin, Reed, the baby, Ash, Archer, and this chick at work, Lilly. Because why the fuck not?

  She seems like a halfway decent human being. She’s hot. And we’ve flirted off and on throughout the last six months she’s worked at my office.

  After my almost fuckup with Ashlyn, I made a promise to myself that I would fucking try to move on from her.

  The need to touch my lips to hers was way too great, and I can’t fuck up a good thing for her.

  She’d hate me for the rest of our lives if I did, and that’s something I can’t stand. So, I’m having a party.

  I let Reed and Erin, who is carrying Emma in her arms, inside and gesture for them to follow me outside to the patio. They are the first to arrive, and I’m fucking glad.

  I haven’t seen Ash for a few weeks since the anniversary, and I’m not sure I’m ready to be alone with her and Archer.

  Baby steps.

  “It’s fucking hot out here.” Reed says as he sits down in the shade.

  “Yeah. It’s June. That’s why it’s a pool party.”

  Erin smiles as she takes a seat with Emma in her arms. “I still can’t get over the fact that you’re throwing your very own party. All by yourself.”

  I roll my eyes and crack open a beer, handing it to Reed and then getting my own. “Yeah, guess you’re rubbing off on me.” I offer her a beer, and she declines, so I grab her some of the lemonade I bought.

  The doorbell rings, and I answer it, trying like hell to smile when I see it’s Archer and Ash. He’s wearing trunks and blue shirt, and she’s wearing a black cover-up over what I’m certain is a sexy bikini that will make me go slightly more insane.

  But you’re moving on.

  “Party’s back here.” I gesture for them to follow me, which they do until we reach Reed and Erin.

  They all greet each other, and then Reed, Archer, and I break off from the girls and start the grill.

  “You take a break from film school for the summer?” I ask Archer, trying to make conversation and honestly, he’s not awful to talk to.

  “Nah, I’m trying to catch up, so I’m taking summer classes.”

  “Fuck, I hated summer school.” Reed says into his beer.

  “That’s because your dumb ass was always forced to take it in school.” I add. He was always skipping school. And now he’s a fucking successful, hardworking lawyer.

  He shrugs. “I had shit to do.”

  Archer and I laugh as I throw some steaks onto the grill, and Reed joins the girls. I nod to Archer. “It was cool of you to let Ash come alone the other night, but you could have come along.”

  He smiles, and I see a tightening in his throat. Or maybe I’m paranoid. “What you four went through was sacred. That anniversary is something you’ll always share.”

  I’m fucking trying here. “If you’re in Ash’s life, then you’re part of that also.” I close the grill, pat his shoulder, and walk toward the house when I hear a car pull up.

  I can feel Ashlyn’s eyes on me as I slide the door open and walk inside the house to answer the front door. I smile at Lilly as I open the door. She’s dressed for the pool party in a slinky white cover-up and sandals, holding out a bottle of wine. “I kept going back and forth between this and margaritas but settled on wine.” She shrugs. “Figured it was more grown-up.”

  I laugh. “You might decide differently after meeting this group.” I joke and thank her before leading her out to introduce her to everyone.

  Everyone greets her happily except Ashlyn, who I swear is eyeing her with suspicion.

  She’s in a fucking mood today, and I have no idea what her deal is.

  Maybe she’s pissed off about me almost kissing her. Or me stopping it.

  I try to shake it off. She’s fucking happy with Archer.

  “Wow the food smells delicious.” Lilly says as she takes a seat next to Erin, and I swear I see Ashlyn roll her eyes as she gets up and walks to Archer.

  She slips the black dress off over her head, revealing a strapless, black bikini that does, in fact, make me fucking crazy. Her full tits look perfect in the top, and her ass looks phenomenal in the bottoms. My eyes drift over the tattoo on her side, and I struggle to focus on anything else.

  Archer lifts his shirt off over his head, and that’s really not what I wanted. She whispers something in his ear as they walk over to the pool and climb in.

  Lilly walks over to me, placing her hand on my lower back. “It’s beautiful out here.”

  “Thanks. I actually did most of the work myself.”

  She grins brightly at that and looks around. “Wow. Handy man. You do good work.”

  Ashlyn and Archer swim around the pool together, but I feel her eyes on me and her glare on Lilly.

  Lilly settles in one of the lounge chairs, tucking one of her arms under her head and soaking up the sun. “I could de
finitely get used to it out here.”

  Ashlyn looks pissed as she wraps her arms around Archer and floats around the pool with him, and I look back at Erin, knowing she senses the tension. She just shrugs and shakes her head.

  I check the steaks and then sit in the lounge chair next to Lilly, who grabs lotion out of her bag and holds it to me. “Would you mind? I don’t want to get burnt.”

  I take it, feeling Ashlyn’s burning gaze on me the entire time I smooth the lotion over Lilly’s soft skin.

  Dinner is tense. And for the life of me, I have no fucking idea why. Ashlyn is with Archer. I’m doing my best to move the fuck on and grow up. I don’t get it.

  When dinner is finished, and we’re all letting the food settle. I lean back in my chair, and Lilly’s hand moves to rest on my thigh.

  I don’t move. I haven’t been out on an actual date in a long time, but I guess that’s what this is.

  “So you guys work together?” Ashlyn asks, taking a sip of her wine.

  “Yeah. I just started like, six months ago.” Lilly answers happily, but I don’t think she knows the danger she’s in because Ashlyn isn’t being polite.

  “You actually like it there?”

  “Yeah, it’s been great. Everyone has been so nice to me.” Lilly squeezes my thigh. “Especially Garrett.”

  Ash takes another drink, her eyes widening with sarcasm. “Oh, I bet he has.”

  Lilly looks slightly confused by her tone but keeps going. “Yes, I’ve learned so much. And we’ve had so many late night meetings, but they have paid off.”

  Ash rolls her eyes and locks her eyes on mine. “Oh, I bet. That sounds super.”

  I shake my head at her in a warning. She wants to be pissed at me, that’s fine, but she shouldn’t take it out on Lilly, who is totally oblivious.

  “You know that Garrett actually wanted to illustrate children’s books when we were kids. Or maybe cartoons. He drew some pretty funny cartoons back in the day.”

  Lilly touches the necklace that’s resting against her chest between her breasts and looks over at me. “You did? I didn’t know that.”

  “Yup. But then he gave it up to be an art director at a company he fucking hates.”

  Lilly’s face drops, and I look across the table at Ashlyn. “You have something to say to me?”

  She shrugs taking another drink, but it’s her first glass, it’s not like she’s drunk. “No. What would I have to say to you?”

  “Archer, control your woman.” Reed jokes and gets a jab in the side from Erin.

  I stand up and look at Lilly apologetically. “I’ll be right back, okay?” She nods her head nervously as I turn to Ash. “Come on.”

  She looks like she’s going to fight me, but then huffs and stands up, following me into the kitchen. Luckily the shades are drawn today.

  “Ash, what the fuck is your problem?”

  Her right hand flies to her hip, and the other one points right at me. “You! You are my fucking problem. And you have been since I met you.”

  I have no idea what she’s talking about or why she’s so fucking pissed off. But one thing is for sure, we’re going to hash it out.

  Here and now.

  I’m never throwing another fucking party again.

  My hand is shaking as I point it at Garrett, fucking furious. I’m not even entirely sure why.

  “Why the fuck are you being so goddamn rude to Lilly? She hasn’t done a thing to you!”

  A bitter, angry laugh comes out of my mouth, and I don’t even recognize it as belonging to me. “Are you serious, Garrett? Her? That’s who you choose to be with after Paige?”

  “I’ve been with lots of girls since Paige.”

  He eyes me deviously, and I cross my arms over the soft material of my black cover-up, feeling suddenly vulnerable. “You’ve fucked a lot of girls. Not invited them to your house for food and to meet your friends!”

  I’m screaming way too loud, years of anger, sadness, and resentment bubbling over the surface. How the hell could he date this bubble gum princess type? I never expected him to actually date. Garrett doesn’t go on dates or invite girls over to hang out. He fucks them, then he’s done. That’s the way it’s always been.

  “So fucking what? You have a boyfriend. The perfect fucking guy for you.” He steps closer to me. “Why the fuck do you care what I do?”

  It’s a good question, but one I choose to ignore. “Her?” She’s blond and sickeningly sweet. No depth to that girl in the slightest. I point back at the patio, but we can’t see out there because the shade on the door has been pulled down. I turn back to him. “Seriously, Garrett?”

  “What the hell is wrong with her? She’s nice. And . . .”

  “Dumb.”

  He’s pissed now, and I’m pissed that he’s defending her. “Why? Because she has blond hair, you automatically think she’s dumb?”

  I step closer to him, and I know it’s a stupid move because his proximity actually seems to make me a total idiot. “The words that come out of her mouth make me think she’s dumb and so fucking mind-numbingly simple. Is that seriously who you’re going to date? That girl could never even come close to replacing Paige.”

  Her name lights his eyes with fury, and maybe I’ve gone too far. “No one will ever replace Paige. That’s not what I’m trying to do, Ashlyn.” He points angrily at his chest. “And maybe that’s exactly what I fucking need. Simple. Not someone that makes me want to smash my fist through the wall and bang my head on the counter from being so fucking frustrated by every single interaction.”

  My eyes widen with fury. “Asshole.” I seethe through clenched teeth.

  His feet stop right at my own, and our bodies are both writhing with anger and an intense heat that steals the breath from my lungs. His right hand grasps the back of my head, entangled in my hair as he guides my head up to look at him, and I think he’s going to kiss me. I fucking crave his kiss. Fuck breathing. I just want his lips on mine. But he doesn’t. “So, you can date. Move on and fall in love with some other motherfucker. But I’m supposed to what, Ash? Live in misery. Pine after you for the rest of my life?”

  “You’re in love with a ghost remember?”

  His eyes are locked on mine, not releasing their hold on me. “I will never not love her, but I have to try to move on. For my fucking sanity. I have to.”

  “With her?” I ask it again, not even knowing this Lilly chick, but I still ask with sickening disgust in my voice, feeling like retching.

  “I don’t know. With someone.”

  The door opens, making both of our heads turn, and Garrett releases his light grasp on my hair and steps back as Archer walks in.

  Archer closes the door behind him, walking closer to me. “I’m leaving, Ashlyn.”

  I shake my head in surprise. I’m not sure why I feel it. How much can I ask from him? It’s Garrett who actually forms a sentence though. “You don’t have to do that, man.” Garrett turns to me, the anger still apparent. “We’re done here.”

  Archer just shakes his head. “No, you’re not. You’re never going to be.”

  “That’s not true,” I say. My voice is far too shaky.

  He just shakes his head and takes my hand in his. “I can’t do this. I care about you, Ashlyn. But not enough to fight.” He looks back at Garrett and then at me. “You two have so much fight in you. For each other.”

  “That’s not good though. Remember? You don’t like the fighting. You said it’s toxic.”

  He shrugs. “In my situation, it was. I definitely don’t want that, but you . . .” He sighs. “You two have so much passion in your fury. No one can deny the connection you have. I’ve seen it since day one, and I shouldn’t have ignored it.” He shrugs again, and I hate how I’ve let him down. “Not that I regret my time with you, but some people crave peace like me. And some people can’t survive without a little chaos.”

  “So, I’m just a drama queen?” Because that definitely isn’t healthy.

 
; I hear Garrett scoff angrily and shoot him a furious look before returning focus to Archer, who just shakes his head, completely genuine. “No. Just different from me.”

  I know, without a doubt, there is no changing his mind. And just like he doesn’t have it in him to fight for me, I can’t force myself to argue and beg him to stay. “Can we still be friends?”

  He kisses the top of my head and releases my hand. “No.” My mouth falls open. I really thought we could at the very least form a friendship. “I was pretty damn close to falling completely for you. And for me, there’s no going back.”

  I wipe a quick tear, feeling the loss of him. “I don’t want you to hate me.”

  “I’m not mad, and I definitely don’t hate you. And that’s why I’m leaving now because if I don’t leave and I try to force our relationship knowing full well you love him, then hating you is inevitable.” He gestures between Garrett and me “Because this is inevitable. Stop fighting it.”

  Garrett grunts in disagreement.

  Archer just smiles easily, like he’s always been able to. “Trust me. I didn’t get the privilege of meeting Paige, so I can’t speak for her, but I know when my life is over and I see John again, I want to look him right in the eye and tell him that I did everything I could to be happy in my life. The life he never had a chance at.”

  I swallow the cry in my throat, and I notice Garrett tense. Archer talks freely about his friend John, so it wasn’t shocking to hear his name come up, but it was surprising to hear Paige’s name from his lips.

  He gives a quick wave and leaves the house, taking with him the only mature relationship I’ve ever had.

  Maybe he’s right that I desire only chaos. Pain.

  I turn to look at Garrett, the definition of those two things in my life.

  “Goddamn it, Garrett!” I point toward the door where Archer exited my life. “He was the best thing that ever happened to me, and you chased him away!” And yes, I know I’m completely delusional, but I’ve never been more frustrated in my entire life.

  And Garrett, being Garrett, doesn’t pull back for even a second. No, he leans into it. “Me? I fucking chased him away? Are you fucking insane? I pushed you toward him, and you blew that shit up all on your own!”