Accidental Makeovers

by Carol Maloney Scott

  I look at my mother’s crumpled face and I wish I had waited to tell her all of this. But I’m sick of the gossip mill, and I didn’t know where else to go. And my idiot brother told them anyway.

  “I don’t like this Eric guy, but if it’s his kid and he steps up, I’ll have to accept it. I’ve been pushing too hard with Birdie. She probably feels like she’s painted into a corner.”

  Like the mouse, but I don’t want to tell my mother that story. What a great example of my manipulation. Still—does she want a guy who runs around wet and naked, wearing a shower curtain, every time there’s a problem?

  I don’t mean that in the literal sense, but I laugh to myself at the thought of him running around like that when she tells him about her condition. She should wait until he’s fully clothed and dry—to be safe.

  Ma’s face brightens, and I’m sure she thinks my smile means I’ve cheered up. I don’t wanna disappoint her, or make her worry more.

  “I’m gonna leave it alone until she decides to tell me. In the meantime, I’ll concentrate on my business and my band. And my son.”

  “Those things are not all in the same bucket, kiddo. If you keep letting my brother’s kids do jobs for you, you’ll be up shit’s creek for sure. And stay away from those groupies. You’ll have a whole litter of kids and an itchy you know what.”

  I should’ve come during the week when he’s off on his plumbing jobs. There’s a reason Rob and I started our own, different business, instead of joining Al’s Plumbing & Heating. Yep, next time I’ll come over when Pop is deep in shit at work, so I don’t have to hear his shit

  “Thanks, Pop. I’ll keep that in mind.”

  Ma shakes her head and whispers to me, “Just be a friend to her now. That’s all you can do. The young girls today like their space. She doesn’t want to be rescued, but she’s not so independent she doesn’t need a friend, right?”

  “You’re a genius, Ma!”

  “Yeah, she’s a regular Einstein. Son of a bitch, did you see that play? That guy was out by a mile.”

  “Oh, just watch your baseball.” She responds to Pop’s insult so quietly, there’s no way he even heard her over the TV.

  I stand up and drink the rest of my beer, rinse the bottle in the sink, and gently grab Ma’s shoulders.

  “She’s moving into her own place soon. I had hoped to get a house for us first, but I can’t compete with the speed of the fairy godmother she has helping her. But I can still do my part. She’s getting our whole crew together on Thursday night to get the house ready for moving day on Saturday.”

  “Do you think she’ll be mad if you show up?”

  “Not if I keep my mouth shut and work. I’ll come with Rob, hang back and assess the situation.”

  Ma smiles and pats my face. “I’ll wrap these cookies for you. Do you want to stay for dinner?”

  She glances into the living room, and I feel guilty running out on her. It’s not her fault Pop’s an ass, and it’s not fair that she misses out on time with her boys because of him.

  “Sure, Ma. The roast in the oven smells a lot better than the burger I’d pick up on the way back to Rob’s shitty apartment.”

  “Come watch the game with me. Like a man. If your mother had her way, you’d both be a couple of fruits.”

  Before joining my intelligent and politically correct father in the living room, I grab a few more beers.

  They’ll be rapidly consumed.

  Bianca

  “Yes, I really want a red bedroom.”

  Brandon and Jon look confused in their painting clothes. I guess their wives go for pastels.

  “No, it’s cool. I just wanted to make sure we didn’t get the wrong paint, but I should have known with your fiery personality, you’d want bold colors.”

  Brandon smiles at me and Jon walks away to get the job started.

  I appreciate all of my friends getting together to help get the house ready. Cassie and Claire stayed home with their kids, but everyone has a babysitter for moving day on Saturday, so I’ll have even more hands.

  “Yeah, that’s me. The bold, tough girl.”

  Brandon rests the paint can and brush on the kitchen counter and leans in closer. Rob is in the living room with Zoe and Eric. I can already hear Rob questioning Eric’s skills, and he’s only just picked up a hammer.

  “Hey, are you okay? I’m sorry that Claire told me. But I did kind of drag it out of her. I’m sure she spilled because you had just found out. Claire gets caught up in the emotion and she blurts shit out.”

  “I know, it’s okay. I know you won’t tell Max. Right?”

  “Well…”

  He does that thing where he runs his hands through his hair.

  He’s guilty.

  “Did you really tell him?”

  I fold my arms across my chest, but I’m not as angry as he thinks I am. Actually he did me a favor. Maybe he’d like to tell Eric, too, and arrange paternity tests while he’s at it. I can spend my time picking out colors for the nursery.

  There goes the nausea again.

  “He dragged it—”

  “Out of you...I get it. You should have kept your mouth shut, but you are becoming more like a woman every day. If I’m like a little sister to you, you’re like my big sister.”

  He opens his mouth to protest and wisely snaps it shut.

  “I’m just messin’ with you. Now go in the bedroom and paint with Jon. I’m going to talk to both of them about it, but not yet. I wanna get this move out of the way first.”

  He gives me a hug and heads off to join Jon.

  Rob found a job for Max in the master bathroom, so my two potential baby daddies would be separated.

  I was going to tell Max that I don’t need his help, but it was nice of him to come, especially after I let him down again.

  Sharon

  At least when I got pregnant, I knew who the father was. I’m not judging her—shit happens. But she’s really in a bind now. I told her that after this move, she needs to tell them both the whole truth.

  This house she’s buying is so adorable. I park a couple of houses away, as I see lots of familiar vehicles already here. Mick is happily hanging out with Tatiana at home.

  Bianca is almost ready for moving day. We spent most of this week packing boxes, bringing things to Goodwill, and reminiscing.

  Also some crying.

  The worst part was when I asked her who she hoped the father was. She couldn’t answer.

  I get out of the car and Diamond grabs my arm. “Hey, Sharon. I just got here, too. Isn’t this house the bomb?”

  I follow Diamond to the front door, making distracted small talk.

  We walk in and survey the scene. Eric is attempting to hang a picture, and now he’s sucking his thumb. I am assuming that he hurt himself, and he doesn’t still suck his thumb out of habit.

  Rob is shaking his head and taking the hammer out of his hand. Zoe is offering to get an icepack and my daughter is nowhere to be seen.

  “I guess I haven’t had to swing a hammer in quite a while.”

  Eric laughs nervously, and Diamond whispers to me, “I wonder what else he’s rusty at swinging, right?”

  She elbows me and I smirk at her ridiculous sexual reference. She tries to make everything sound suggestive, and it doesn’t even make any sense.

  But, if, by chance, his other ‘hammering’ is this ineffective, maybe Max is the father. I suppress a smile. It wouldn’t be nice to laugh when someone’s hurt.

  I get away from Diamond, who has started hanging on Rob while he’s trying to work, and go off in search of Bianca.

  “Hey, Honey. How’s everything going? Is Katie coming? I saw Jon and Brandon’s minivans.”

  Bianca is at the kitchen counter, staring out the window. “No, she has to work at O’Malley’s. She’ll be here on Saturday.”

  “That’s good. Is everyone getting along nicely?”

  She smiles and says, “Yeah, it’s a regular Quaker barn raising out th
ere.”

  “They’ll figure it out. So how do you feel?”

  “Bad, honestly. I don’t remember feeling sick with Mick immediately, but maybe I’m more in tune with the symptoms this time. But my stomach really hurts.”

  She shows me where it hurts, and I frown.

  “It hurts? So you’re not talking about morning sickness, are you?”

  “Who has morning sickness?”

  Uh, oh.

  Eric

  Those idiots in the living room insist upon taking away all of my jobs, so I leave them to look for Bianca.

  I was planning on telling her that I’ll see her on moving day, and I’m going home. I’ve tried to be patient and give her time this week to get ready for the move, but apparently some of her friends are now angry that I abandoned her, and didn’t help her pack all week. I can’t win.

  Have these people ever heard of hiring professionals to do all of this grunt work? I’d happily pay for it.

  Moments from escape, I catch the tail end of a disturbing exchange, which causes Sharon to shoot out of the room like a bullet.

  I stare at Bianca, waiting for an answer.

  “Who has morning sickness?”

  All I know is—I have a low sperm count, so this is most likely not my problem.

  But then Bianca has some explaining to do.

  Max

  “Hey, Sharon. What’s up? I installed a primo shower head and a fancy faucet. Birdie wanted to replace the boring one that came with the…hey, what’s wrong?”

  “I think I inadvertently made a bad situation much worse.”

  “Let me guess. Eric overheard you talking about Bianca’s pregnancy?”

  “How do you know that?”

  “That he found out, or that I know?”

  “Both, I guess.”

  “I have my sources, and I figured by the look on your face that the situation has escalated. But that’s good. This way she’ll know where she stands with him, right?”

  “Do you think it’s yours?”

  “I have no idea.”

  Sharon jerks her head around when we hear someone calling her name.

  “Sharon!”

  Eric comes running down the hallway, and I want to bust his balls, and tell him I’m sorry that he can’t take a shower—I haven’t put up the curtain yet.

  Sharon jumps and snaps at him. “What’s the matter?”

  “Bianca needs you.”

  Sharon

  “Thank you for fitting her in with such short notice.”

  Dr. Mason smiles and says, “It’s my scheduling people who work those miracles. They leave me to be the bad guy.”

  Dr. Mason is one of the best gynecologists in Richmond, and his popularity makes it difficult to get an appointment.

  When I called I knew they would tell me that if she’s miscarrying, there’s nothing he can do, but they appeased me and fit her in. It’s Friday, and I don’t want her to suffer and worry all weekend, especially since tomorrow is moving day.

  What a big, fucking mess.

  I was going to leave the room while Dr. Mason examined Bianca, but she insisted that I stay.

  It’s so unlike her. With her first pregnancy, she didn’t involve me at all. Of course, Max was by her side then.

  What a scene we left at the house last night. Everyone accusing everyone of knowing, telling, hiding…I’m glad Rob was there to keep Max from killing Eric.

  Then there was all the penis size talk and accusations about condoms.

  This daughter of mine has gotten herself in quite a pickle with a new job, a new house, a new pregnancy and two warring men.

  The worst part is that I didn’t even get a chance to find out how Max feels. I know he still loves her, but love has its limits.

  “Okay, young lady.”

  Dr. Mason snaps off his gloves and gestures for Bianca to sit up. His nurse, Melanie, leaves the room so he can talk to us privately.

  Bianca stares at her feet and says, “So am I still pregnant?”

  “Yes, you are. There is a little bleeding, but that can be normal in early stages, when the egg implants into the uterus. The pain is concerning, but again it’s not a sure indicator that you’ll miscarry. If you’re not better in a couple of days, I’d like to do a follow up blood test and an ultrasound. And of course if the pain gets worse, come right back. Or get to an emergency room if it’s after hours and call my emergency line.”

  “That sounds scary. What are you checking for?” Bianca looks frightened, but also frustrated that there is still no definitive answer.

  “We want to see if the pregnancy hormones continue to multiply. And we also want to see that baby, and if it’s where it’s supposed to be.”

  “Where else would it be?”

  Bianca

  I’ve heard the term before, but I wouldn’t have known how to explain the condition. Dr. Mason knows what he’s doing. No matter what, I’m in good hands.

  There is still a dull pain, but I’m laying down. Mom is forcing me to rest. She brought Mick to Claire’s house, and I’m glad we kept to his normal routine today. He’s too little to understand, but he knows when Mommy is sad.

  I’m so glad Mom was there to bring me to the doctor because everyone else has gone mad. She’s out in her catering kitchen working on food for tomorrow’s wedding reception. She can’t make it for moving day, and I don’t see how I am going to get through it. We have plenty of help, but I can barely…oh, who is that at the door now? Maybe if I stay still, they’ll go away. There’s no barking because Phoebe is with Mom, and bunnies and mice are quiet pets.

  There’s the bell again. I pull myself up and pray that it’s not Eric or Max. Eric has been calling, but I sent him a text telling him I’m fine and I can’t talk about this right now.

  I’ve heard nothing from Max.

  I open the door and feel somewhat relieved. Usually Diamond isn’t someone I want to see, but it’s better than the other possibilities.

  “Oh, Bianca, you poor thing.”

  She pushes her way past me and sets a basket on the coffee table.

  “Sit back down. I thought your mother would answer the door. I brought you some homemade banana bread. I know your mother cooks all the time, but I wanted to do something. So how are you?”

  Her genuine kindness causes me to fall apart.

  “Oh, don’t cry. Or maybe it’s good to cry. Get it all out. What did the doctor say?”

  I hesitate for a moment, because whatever I tell her will get back to Max, but I don’t care anymore. I am thinking of publishing a weekly newsletter of my personal activities and sending it to everyone we know. It would be more efficient, and that way everyone can be shocked or pissed off at the same time.

  After I tell Diamond all about my visit with Dr. Mason, she sighs and squeezes my knee.

  “This is awful. I had a girlfriend once who had that same problem. But you don’t know for sure, right? You need the extra tests?”

  “He said if the pain got worse to come back. If it comes back tonight, Mom is at the ready to whisk me off to the emergency room.”

  “Well don’t worry about the move. Everyone is ready for tomorrow, and if for some reason it has to be postponed, it’s not like you hired a moving van or you have to move out of here on time. Don’t put pressure on yourself. God knows Max is beating himself up.”

  I sit up and stop blowing my nose long enough to question that last bit.

  “I guess he really regrets sleeping with me.”

  Diamond’s eyes threaten to pop and she jumps a little in her seat. “Oh no, he doesn’t regret that at all. He regrets the whole thing with Jasmine.”

  “Who’s Jasmine?”

  “I guess the rumor mill isn’t working both ways. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Max slept with the lead singer of Poison Angel on the tour bus. But he said it meant nothing and he was just upset after you rejected him.”

  “Well, I guess I can’t blame him. It’s my own fault.
The worst part of this is that I don’t even know what I want either of them to feel at this point.”

  “Max and Jasmine?”

  She’s so dense.

  “Noooo, Max and Eric. They both know about the pregnancy now, and I’m pretty sure Eric knows I slept with Max.”

  “I don’t know what Max wants, honestly. He was very eager to get you back, but you crushed his big heart.”

  “Diamond, thanks for coming over, but I need time to think. I may ask Eric and Max to both stay away tomorrow. I’m not interested in my new house getting trashed in a fight.”

  “Oh, it’ll be fine. I’m good at crowd control. Last night I just flashed everyone and they all calmed down.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “You did what?”

  “I flashed them. I’ve learned that boobies will stop almost any fight between men. I’ve been doing it for years.”

  I don’t know why I find it so funny that Diamond showed her boobs to both of my possible baby daddies, but it’s hilarious.

  “Wait, was Brandon in the room?” I am doubled over now, and I can barely tell if I’m in pain because of the pregnancy, or if it’s the lack of oxygen due to screaming hysteria.

  “No, he missed it. Good thing or else I would have heard about it from Claire.”

  She sits up straighter and mocks her nemesis, “Brandon, Honey, you will not enjoy another woman’s boobs under any circumstances. I don’t care if Max had Eric in a chokehold. I would sooner let his head pop off before I would show my little titties.”

  “Stop, I’m dying!”

  I had no idea Diamond was so funny.

  My mother appears in the living room and says, “Well, I’m glad the mood has improved in here. Hi, Diamond. Did you come by to cheer Bianca...hey, are you still laughing, Honey?”

  I look up and the whole room is fuzzy. The pain is so much worse all of a sudden...and I don’t think it’s from laughing.

  Max