My Neighbours Are Stealing My Mail

by Ian Edwards

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, reaching for a can of coke.

  ‘Where is he?’ Rosie asked as she sat down.

  ‘Who?’ He replied. Innocence etched across his face.

  Rosie simply stared back at him.

  He pointed under the table. ‘He’s down there.’

  Rosie peered under the table where Mr Licky appeared to be snuffling into the ground. ‘What’s he doing?’

  Alan shrugged. ‘Not sure. Maybe he’s mauling a Womble?’

  ‘Alan!’ Rosie lowered her voice. ‘It’s a big responsibility looking after someone’s pet. You’ve got to take it seriously.’

  Alan pulled the ring pull off his can. ‘A big responsibility that you volunteered me for.’ He took a long gulp of his drink. ‘Anyway he’s fine. He’s eating some ice cream.’

  Rosie frowned. ‘I’m not sure he’s supposed to eat ice cream. Dawn was quite adamant about what he can and can’t eat.’

  ‘I had no say in it. Someone dropped their ice cream as they went past and he was on it in a flash. No mercy.’ Alan smiled. ‘It was like watching a wildlife documentary when a cheetah attacks an elephant.’

  Rosie shook her head deciding against pulling Alan up on the unlikely comparison. ‘Anyway,’ she said. ‘Why are we here? What was wrong with our local park?’

  ‘This is Wimbledon Common…’ Alan explained, as if it were obvious.

  ‘Yes, I know,’ Rosie interrupted. ‘I drove us here.’

  ‘When we were kids we would spend all our time up here during the school holidays, and there were always people walking their dogs. I thought it would be a great place to bring him.’

  Rosie looked out onto the wide open space of the common. Annoyingly, Alan was right. There were a number of dogs running around, chasing Frisbees and tennis balls.

  ‘I called James while you were in there,’ he nodded toward the restaurant. ‘I thought he could bring his llama. They could play together.’

  Rosie frowned. ‘Why on earth would you do that?’

  ‘Because I haven’t got any friends with dogs.’

  She sighed. ‘I don’t see any llamas playing on the common, do you? What makes you think Charlie would even get on with Mr Licky? Even if they did, there might be laws against letting llamas run free. Plus, a llama and a small black dog playing together is just going to look plain weird. Like a cheap circus act.’

  ‘That’s not a bad idea. If I recorded them playing together on my phone I might be able to get a circus to hire them as a double act.’ He paused in thought. ‘Licky and Llama.’

  Rosie grinned. ‘Little and Large?’

  From under the table Mr Licky growled.

  ‘Obviously not a fan.’ Alan mused.

  ‘Rosie passed Alan a pack of sandwiches and opened a packet for herself. She pointed at a Pink SUV turning into the car park. ‘There’s James.’

  ‘He took his time,’ Alan mumbled through a mouthful of egg sandwich.

  Alan watched James drive through the car park looking for an available space. Rosie dropped a small piece of sandwich on the floor.

  ‘Can you fit a llama in a SUV?’ She asked while Mr Licky devoured the piece of sandwich.

  Alan nodded. ‘Yeah, but only in the boot,’ he said surreptitiously dropping a small piece of his sandwich under the table, much to the delight of the small black dog.

  ‘Really? I thought he’d sit in the passenger seat.’

  ‘Why don’t you ask him?’ Alan suggested, ignoring Rosie’s attempt at humour. ‘He’s here now.’

  ‘Ask me what?’ James asked as he put a large shopping bag on the table and sat beside Rosie.

  ‘Rosie wants to know if you can get a llama in your car.’

  James pulled a face. ‘I suppose it depends on how well I fold him.’

  ‘That’s pretty much what I thought,’ Alan said and grinned at Rosie. ‘Anyway,’ he continued. ‘Where is he? Still in the car?’

  James frowned. ‘What? Who is where?’

  ‘Charlie.’

  ‘What about him?

  ‘Did you bring him? I asked you to bring him.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘When I called you. I said bring Charlie.’

  ‘What’s in the bag James?’ Rosie asked, looking to change the subject.

  James reached in took out two large packets of barley.

  ‘Why have you brought barley with you?’ She asked.

  ‘Well…It was bad line. I thought you said bring barley,’ James explained, turning to Alan.

  Alan frowned at James, glanced at the barley on the table, then at Rosie before turning back to James. ‘Why on earth did you think that I’d want you to bring barley to Wimbledon Common?’

  James shrugged. ‘Don’t know. I heard you say I should bring barley to Wimbledon Common, so I got some. It sounded strange, but I assumed you were having a barbecue here.’

  Rosie stifled a laugh. ‘A barbecue?’

  ‘Who takes barley to a barbecue?’ Alan scoffed. ‘What did you think? “I’ll bring along some barley just in case we run out of sausages and Rosie wants to get a stew on.’

  James put the packets of barley back in the shopping bag. ‘I suppose I’ll have to take them back.’ He looked at Rosie. ‘Unless you fancy making a stew tonight?’

  Rosie shook head. ‘Dream on, sunshine.’

  James smiled back at her. Alan sniggered and Mr Licky growled.

  ‘Is that the hell hound?’ James nodded to the dog at Alan’s feet.

  Alan nodded. ‘Yeah. The evil little sod is washing his nuts for the three hundredth time today.’

  ‘Alan!’ Rosie snapped. ‘He’s not evil. He’s a sweet little thing.’

  ‘He’s demonic,’ Alan turned to James. ‘He spent the entire drive over here looking out of the window barking at everything.’

  ‘He was just excited,’ Rosie explained. ‘I’m going to get him some water. James, can I get you something to drink?’

  ‘He’ll have a barley water,’ Alan sniggered, earning himself a glare from Rosie and a growl from the dog.

  ‘So, what’s your plan?’ James asked once Rosie had gone off to get some drinks.

  Alan frowned. ‘Not sure what you mean.’

  ‘Why are you looking after the dog? You don’t normally like animals,’ James laughed. ‘Do you remember the time you were supposed to be looking after the school hamster over the Christmas holidays? You had to return it after one night because you said it stared at you in a funny way. You couldn’t sleep.’

  ‘I was really young,’ Alan protested.

  ‘You were seventeen. You were in the sixth form.’

  ‘Still scary,’ Alan mumbled.

  ‘So what are you up to?’ James asked.

  Alan leaned in conspiratorially. ‘When I take him back tonight I can have a nose around. You know, to try and find my post.’

  James rolled his eyes. ‘This again? So, you’ve offered to look after a dog you don’t like so that can look for your missing post, which is likely to be just pizza menus, Estate Agents adverts and letters from credit card companies telling you that you’d been pre-approved for a gold credit card.’

  Alan stuck out his bottom lip. ‘I like being pre-approved for things. It makes me feel important. Anyway, Rosie volunteered me for dog duties. I’m just taking advantage of the situation.’

  ‘That’s convenient.’

  ‘Right,’ Rosie said as she passed James a bottle of water. ‘Are we walking the little fella or not?’

  ‘No Coke?’ James asked looking at the bottle.

  ‘Sorry James, I remembered you were on a diet so I got you water instead.’

  ‘Great, thanks,’ he sighed and slowly unscrewed the top before taking a mouthful.

  ‘So come on then, walkies,’ Rosie patted the dog.

  Alan made a play of standing up and sliding out from behind the picnic table. ‘OK, let’s get this useless thing worn out.’ He nudged James. ‘Come on.’

  Rosie took hol
d of Mr Licky’s lead and made her way on to the common.

  As Alan and James left the table they were met by a breeze and Frankie appeared in front of them.

  ‘Alan son, I need to talk to you.’

  ‘Frankie?’ James asked, seeing his friend stare into space.

  Alan nodded. ‘I’ll catch you up.’ He took his phone out of his pocket. ‘Tell Rosie I’ve got a call.’

  ‘OK mate,’ James grabbed his shopping bag and hurried after Rosie.

  Alan put his phone to his ear. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘I had this really weird dream…’

  ‘You dream?’

  ‘Why wouldn’t I?’

  ‘I don’t know. I just assumed that your lot didn’t have dreams.’

  ‘My lot?’

  ‘You know the dead. Ghosts. The undead. So, what do you dream about?’

  ‘Well…’

  ‘Is it the one where you’re supposed to be playing a really important game of football but you’re still wearing your slippers?’

  Frankie laughed. ‘Never had that one, but the night before the D Day I dreamt I had lost my gun and had to use a banana.’

  Alan laughed. ‘I suppose you could have left the banana skin around for them to slip on.’

  ‘Can you shut up for a moment? I need to tell you about my dream.’

  Up ahead, Alan saw Rosie being pulled along by a very determined Mr Licky. James was doing his best to keep up but appeared to be falling behind.

  ‘What about your dream?’ He asked

  ‘I was back at the theatre,’ Frankie began.

  ‘What theatre?’

  ‘The Merton Palace Theatre,’ Frankie told him. ‘Surely you haven’t forgotten already?’

  Alan frowned. ‘Not likely is it?’

  ‘Well, I had…’

  ‘Hang on,’ Alan put his hand on Frankie’s arm, cutting him short. ‘What’s the dog doing?’

  Further along the path, Rosie gently pulled on Mr Licky’s leash, waiting for James to catch up.

  ‘Who’s Alan on the phone to?’ She asked while bending down to rub the dog’s head.

  ‘I don’t know, he didn’t say,’ James squinted back at Alan.

  On her haunches Rosie petted Mr Licky and turned him in the direction of her boyfriend.

  ‘Can you see Alan?’ She whispered into his ear.

  Rosie became aware of the dog tensing in her grip. The longer he stared in Alan’s direction the more he trembled and started to growl. It started as a little mumble but within seconds had turned into full crazed and angry barking.

  ‘Why’s he making so much noise?’ James said.

  Rosie looked up at James. ‘He loves Alan. He probably just wants him to hurry up.’

  James raised an eyebrow and listened to the growling dog.

  ‘I’ll give him a shout to get a move on,’ Rosie said, standing up.

  As soon as Rosie released her grip on the lead Mr Licky shot off towards Alan.

  ‘He moves really quickly for something with silly little legs,’ James pointed out as the dog ran off.

  ‘Is that the evil hound?’ Frankie asked Alan as the little dog ran toward them.

  ‘Yep. I think so,’ Alan said. ‘Though he’s moving bloody quick for such a little dog.’

  ‘Oh shit, I think he’s coming for me,’ Frankie said as Mr Licky approached them at full pelt. ‘That’s it, I’m off.’

  Alan watched Frankie vanish, barely having time to call him a selfish bastard before Mr Licky launched himself at Alan, hitting him in the chest and knocking him to the ground.

  Rosie and James watched as Alan fell backwards with Mr Licky barking maniacally while attached to his chest.

  ‘You’re right,’ James said with a smirk. ‘He really loves Alan.’

  Chapter 26

  ‘What did you do to him?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Alan protested. ‘We just wandered around for a bit.’

  Rosie frowned. ‘He’s been sprawled out on the sofa since we got back. He hasn’t moved in ages. I hope he’s OK.’

  Alan leaned over the sofa. ‘Shall I prod him?’

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt him. But I want to make sure he’s alright.’

  ‘Look,’ Alan pointed. ‘His chest is moving, so we can safely say he’s still alive.’

  Rosie chewed her lip. ‘Did he eat anything he shouldn’t?’

  ‘There’s loads of things he’s not supposed to eat. I can’t keep a track of them all.’

  Rosie stared at him.

  Alan put his hands up in surrender. ‘OK, he may have had a bit of ice cream, but not much. Anyway no one’s ever died from eating a cornetto.’

  ‘He’s on a special diet.’

  They both looked down at the sleeping figure on the sofa.

  ‘Oh for god’s sake, he’s dribbling now,’ Rosie said with disgust.

  Alan laughed. ‘I’d better wake him up.’

  Before he could move Rosie grabbed his arm. ‘Where’s the dog?’

  ‘In the garden.’ Alan nodded towards the patio doors. ‘He wanted to chase a squirrel.’

  Rosie looked outside where Mr Licky was sitting on the lawn, thumping his tail on the ground while staring up at a squirrel nonchalantly sitting on a fence.

  ‘I suppose he’ll be OK,’ she said.

  ‘He’ll be fine. It’s not as if he’s going to climb the fence. Dogs don’t have climbing genes.’

  Rosie pulled a face. ‘Really?’

  He nodded. ‘Oh yeah, I thought everyone knew that. Anyway, shall I wake him?’ Alan added, nodding at James.

  Rosie sighed. ‘Go on then.’

  He slapped the end of the sofa and shouted. ‘James wake up! Amy’s here!’

  James opened his eyes and looked up at Alan. ‘Don’t tell Amy I had ice cream,’ he groaned and closed his eyes.

  Alan laughed. ‘You can tell her yourself, she’ll be here in a couple of hours.’

  James groaned and buried his face in a cushion. ‘Give me ten more minutes.’

  Rosie sighed and turned her attention back to the garden. ‘He appears to be getting more and more agitated by that squirrel.’

  Alan took a folded sheet of paper from his pocket. ‘According to the timetable,’ he said. ‘It’s almost time to settle him down for the evening.’

  ‘He’s looking anything but settled down at the moment,’ Rosie told him, casting a look at the increasingly agitated dog.

  ‘You’d better get him…’ Alan began.

  A loud bang from the garden interrupted further comment.

  ‘What the hell was that?’ Rosie snapped her head from Alan back in the direction of the garden.

  ‘Outside?’ Alan asked.

  Another crash emanated from the garden.

  James poked his head over the arm of the sofa, looking like a startled meerkat.

  ‘What’s all that banging?’ he groaned.

  The friends stared through the patio doors at Mr Licky, who had clearly had enough of simply staring at the squirrel, and was now attempting to get on top of the fence with him. Unfortunately for Mr Licky (but not the squirrel) his efforts kept falling well short.

  ‘Just look at that ridiculous animal,’ Rosie said as they watched Mr Licky launch himself at the fence again, barely getting off the ground before bouncing back onto the flower bed. This action only seemed to irritate him even more.

  ‘Not really a surprise attack is it?’ James said as the dog smacked into the fence again.

  Alan grinned. ‘You have to admire his determination, though. He’s relentless. Like a Terminator.’

  ‘It’s like that spider in that story about King Alfred,’ James said.

  Rosie pulled a face. ‘What one’s that?’

  ‘You know. The one where he watches the spider try to spin a web dozens of times before finally succeeding,’ James patiently explained.

  ‘Wasn’t that Robert the Bruce?’ Alan asked.

  ‘No.’ James shook his head. �
�He burnt the cakes.’

  Alan frowned. ‘So he burnt the cakes because he was too busy watching the spider?’

  ‘Sorry to break up this interesting historical discussion boys,’ Rosie said. ‘But can one of you go and get him before he breaks through into his own garden and I have to explain to Dawn and Joy why there’s a dog shaped hole in the fence and their dog has splinters in his face.’

  Alan and James exchanged looks as Mr Licky launched himself at the fence again.

  ‘One of you. Now please,’ Rosie barked.

  *

  Thirty minutes later Mr Licky sat on his doorstep staring at Alan unlocking the front door. As the door swung open the dog shot between Alan’s legs and in to the house, barking loudly to announce his return.

  ‘I think he’s pleased to be home,’ James said as he followed Mr Licky inside. ‘This is just like the hall in Rosie’s house.’

  ‘Is it? How weird,’ Alan said as he tapped in the code into the burglar alarm. ‘I wonder why that is?’ Shutting the door he turned to James. ‘Right let’s get the crazy pooch fed and settled down and then we can have a poke around.’

  ‘Still serious about this then?’ James asked.

  ‘Absolutely. Mail theft is a serious offence.’

  James wandered through to the kitchen where Mr Licky was barking at his reflection in the oven door. He tried and failed to quieten the dog by patting the pug on its head.

  Alan walked over to the kitchen counter. He opened a plastic container and poured a generous portion of dog biscuits into a bowl.

  The sound of the biscuits rattling into the bowl was enough to calm Mr Licky down and he trotted over to Alan and sat patiently at his feet.

  Much to Mr Licky’s delight, Alan placed the generously filled bowl on the floor in front of him.

  Satisfied the dog was happily occupied, Alan turned to James. ‘While he’s occupied let’s have a look around.’

  ‘Where first?’ James asked.

  ‘May as well start in here,’ Alan said and opened a drawer. ‘Nothing,’ he called out.

  James idly opened a cupboard consisting of nothing more than several different types and colours of pasta. ‘Not in here either.’

  ‘It has to be here somewhere,’ Alan said after a look around the fridge.

  ‘Who’s this?’ James called out across the kitchen.

  Alan shut the dishwasher. ‘What’s that?’