A-List Kiss: A Laugh-Out-Loud Romantic Comedy

by Brenda Lowder

  I waved her down. “I was just going to run to the mall by myself and pick something up. Not a big deal and definitely not something requiring an entourage.”

  “Tell me you’re not seriously going to the mall!” Corey looked down his highly judgmental nose at me.

  “Of course I am.” I shrugged. “Everyone shops at the mall. It’s fine. It’s right. It’s the American way.”

  “That’s right, E, everyone shops at the mall. Do you want to wear the same thing that a tenth-grade girl is wearing? Thanks to me, you have more style than that.”

  “I don’t have time to make another trek out to Rodeo Drive.” I sighed. “And besides, I don’t have thousands to blow on another dress.”

  “Where did you get thousands to blow on a dress?” Maggie sat up straight and raised an accusatory eyebrow at me. Uh-oh.

  “Um…I got a raise.”

  “Liar.” Her eyes narrowed into slits.

  “No, really. I really got a raise,” I said.

  “Yeah, but that’s not where you got the thousands to spend on a dress. You make chump change at your stupid job.”

  Both Sophie’s and Corey’s eyebrows went up at this, and I was glad to see Maggie had dropped her good-sister performance in favor of the reality show version of herself. “Mom and Dad must have bought it for you.”

  “That’s none of your business.” I turned to go.

  “It sure as hell is! Just admit it. Mom and Dad bought it for you.”

  I swiveled and put my hands on my hips. “I don’t have to admit anything. Whether Mom and Dad paid for it or not, it’s none of your business.”

  “Ha! I knew it! I knew they bought it for you! And it so is my business, because they didn’t give me thousands of dollars for anything. That’s so not fair. You get everything and I get nothing! They probably spent my college money on you.”

  My chest tightened. “Mom and Dad have been paying for you to attend five different schools.”

  “I’m not done! They still have my college they need to pay for and here you are spending it on dresses just so someone will sleep with you.” Maggie’s face was stone. She’d been waiting to say this to me.

  I took a deep breath and turned away from my sister. “That’s it. Sophie, Corey, I’m sorry, but I have to go.”

  I left the apartment and got into my car, longing for some retail therapy. I felt bad about leaving Sophie and Corey to deal with Maggie in my absence. I couldn’t keep dumping her on them. I called Sophie’s cell.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for ditching you guys and leaving you with Maggie.”

  “Here, just a sec. I’m going to my room,” Sophie whispered into the phone. I heard the door shut. “Okay, now I can talk. Honestly, Eden, Maggie’s not bad at all when you’re not around.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. She’s actually a lot of fun. Corey and I were having a blast until you came home.”

  “Sorry I wrecked your good time.”

  “Eed, that’s not what I meant. I just mean whatever issues she has that make her act out like she does are centered on you. When you’re not around, she’s a totally different person. I think her jealousy of you makes her crazy.”

  “Jealous of me? That’s ridiculous. She takes every opportunity to tell me how much I suck.”

  “Because she’s crazy jealous! Think about it. She’s the little sister and you’re the big sister who got to do everything first, who doesn’t disappoint your parents, who’s a reporter in LA when Maggie never left Georgia, and you’re dating the biggest, hottest movie star in the world right now. Who wouldn’t be jealous?”

  “Well, when you put it that way, I sound pretty good.”

  “Exactly. Maggie is insane with jealousy, and her negativity is directed at you because you’re getting what she wants.”

  “Okay.” I tried to process the new information. It had never occurred to me that Maggie would be jealous of me. She mocked everything about me. “What can I do about it?”

  “Cut her some slack. As the saying goes, ‘Don’t let a naked French fry spoil a good time.’”

  “What?”

  “It just means I think you should ignore the rude things she says to you and look at the hurting little sister underneath. Don’t let her get to you.”

  “That is way easier said than done.”

  “I know,” Sophie said.

  I let out a breath. “You are so wise.” At making things up. “Thanks so much for putting up with both Maggie and me.”

  “Of course. Don’t worry. Corey and I will keep Maggie busy. It’s fun to play tour guide. We’ve got tons to show her.”

  “Thanks, Soph. You’re the best.” I hung up, feeling a little better about the situation with Maggie. I knew that she and I would never be close, but I’d like it if we could find a way not to be enemies.

  Things were easy for Maggie. People always gave in to her drama. I shouldn’t have to tiptoe around her. She should be growing toward maturity. At least Sophie and Corey didn’t seem to blame me for inflicting Maggie’s presence on them. And I hoped Maggie really wasn’t so bad when I wasn’t there. I didn’t know what to do about her. She’d always been a problem child. I just wished she were somebody else’s problem.

  ∞∞∞

  I ended up buying a very chic black dress in jersey and chiffon. It was perfect. I didn’t care that I wasn’t spending thousands on tonight’s look—how often could I do that, anyway? I wasn’t going to be on a red carpet—this was just a quiet dinner with Gavin at a nice restaurant. This dress would work fine.

  I drove home ready to do battle with Sophie and especially Corey on the issue of the dress—and to ignore whatever insulting thing Maggie was sure to say—but I tried the dress on for them, and Sophie and Corey both agreed it would be great for dinner with Gavin at Nobu. Even Maggie grudgingly admitted that I didn’t look terrible in it, and it was way better than how I usually dressed. And that my butt didn’t look nearly as big as it usually did.

  Flatterer.

  My cell phone rang, and I hurried and grabbed it.

  I checked the caller ID for once. “Hi, Mom,” I answered.

  “Eden, I’m so proud of you!” my mom gushed.

  “Why?”

  “Your father just checked the credit card statement online. He couldn’t be more pleased!”

  Uh-oh. Had my mom suddenly discovered sarcasm after sixty years?

  “Mom, I’m sorry the dress was so expensive. I’ll pay you back. It’s just—”

  “No! That’s just what I was trying to say.” She sounded more excited than she had since Drew Carey lost all that weight and got the job at The Price is Right. “Dad was looking at the bill online, and it showed a four-thousand-dollar charge from Vivica Angel and then it showed a credit for the same amount from the Vivica Angel Promotions Department! It had a note under it that said, ‘Thank you!’”

  “They comped the dress,” I said.

  “They comped the dress!” I could hear her smile over the phone. “I can’t tell you how proud we are. Designers want to give you things just so you’ll wear them.”

  No, companies wanted to give me things because I was sleeping with a celebrity, and it was likely those things would end up being promoted on television, especially if I mentioned them by name.

  “That’s great, Mom. Thanks for letting me know.”

  “Your father and I are just so proud,” she said again. “We’ve bought all the magazines and newspapers with your picture in them and are showing all our friends. Mrs. Walker said she’s never seen you looking lovelier. And Mr. Dillard said he doesn’t blame you anymore for breaking up with Jason. If he’d known you could get Gavin Braddock as your next boyfriend, he would have told you to dump him himself.”

  Such generosity from Jason’s dad. “Um, that’s great, Mom. Thanks. I’ve gotta go and finish getting ready.”

  “What are you getting ready for?”

  “Oh,
I forgot to tell you. Gavin is taking me on a date tonight. To Nobu.”

  “Ooooh! How exciting! I’ve heard lots of the stars go there. Tell me if you see Barbra Streisand.”

  “I sure will, Mom.”

  “And Eden? Have a wonderful time.”

  “Thanks, Mom. Bye.”

  “Bye, sweetie. Be safe.”

  “I will.” I finally finished the call and sat there for a second processing it. My parents were so proud of me…for being a hussy.

  As I showered and got ready for my date, I thought about how I could eject Maggie from the apartment before Gavin arrived to pick me up. I could hope that he’d just send Tim to get me, but from what Gavin had said on the phone, it really sounded like he was going to make a personal appearance. So unless I could get Maggie out—and I knew she really didn’t want to miss meeting Gavin—they were going to meet.

  How bad would it be? I wondered. It could be Def Con 1. She could break out all the embarrassing stories of me that she’d been squirreling away for years and regale Gavin with all of my shameful moments from middle school. Like the time I’d tried out for the girls’ basketball team and instead of making a basket the ball bounced off the backboard and hit me in the face. I’d gotten a bloody nose, and Maggie had told everyone I’d gotten a nose job that had gone wrong, and people totally believed her because my nose was twice its normal size for weeks. Or she could tell him about the time I was in the mall teenage fashion show and I tripped and fell off the stage and sprained my wrist. Or she could bring out the big guns and tell him how I can’t handle horror movies and when Maggie had tricked me into going to see the first Suburban Killing Spree, I peed my pants and screamed so much I was asked to leave.

  Maggie had dedicated her life to acquiring and maintaining an encyclopedic knowledge of everything I’d ever done that was wrong or even unflattering. She was a time bomb waiting to go off. But what could I do with her? She wasn’t going to go quietly. If only I knew someone who could babysit her. Someone who’d maybe take her off my hands for a few hours.

  Then it hit me. I did know someone. Matthew Decker’s intrusive little brother, Jonathan. Who could forget our weird little chat? Sure, he was a perfect stranger to both Maggie and me, but the one time we talked, he’d treated me like an old buddy. And his brother was an FBI agent so that pretty much guaranteed he wasn’t an axe murderer, right? Or at least it was good enough for me. Matthew would have discovered it by now, surely, if he were an axe murderer. And I was desperate. Maggie was my Kryptonite. I was not capable of being a nice person around her. I couldn’t introduce her to Gavin. Now if only Jonathan were persuadable.

  I grabbed my phone and scrolled through the call log until I found the number I thought it was. Jonathan answered after the first ring.

  “Hi, Jonathan. This is Eden Perry. I—” I immediately got interrupted.

  “Hey, Eden! Or should I call you Mrs. Braddock? I guess you really were telling the truth about dating the movie star. Way to go!”

  Yup, my old buddy Jonathan. “Um, thanks.”

  “No problem. To what do I owe this honor? Ready to dump the movie star and get with a real man? There is a certain FBI agent I could name…”

  “Very funny.” Not funny at all. I’d been thinking a lot about the attractive FBI agent. “Actually, I have a favor to ask. Do you have a girlfriend?”

  A half laugh. “Not, you know, at the moment. You applying for the job? I’m surprised you don’t want Matthew. Most girls would go after him first. But I’m up for it. I’d imagined you more as sister-in-law material, but your picture in Star Magazine was totally hot.” He paused as if doing some regrouping. “I’m in. I can see you need a younger guy after dating that old movie star.”

  “He’s not old!”

  “Yes, he is. He’s like forty. Not a problem. You need a younger guy with more energy. I get it. I’ve got energy to spare.”

  “I don’t want a younger man! I don’t need a younger man. I mean, my man is just fine. That’s not why I’m calling. I have a younger sister that I was wondering if you would go out with. Tonight.”

  “Tonight? That’s some short notice. But as it happens, I’m free. Is your sister as hot as you are?”

  “Much hotter, if you ask her.” I bit my lip to keep from saying anything else. I wanted Jonathan to go out with her. He could discover her personality flaws on his own.

  “That sounds good, but…”

  “But what?” I crossed my fingers and hoped he wasn’t backing out already.

  “I’m a little short on funds right now. Being a college student and all. We’d have to do something cheap.”

  “Oh, no, the date’s on me.” I laughed and exhaled the breath I’d been holding.

  “On you?” Uh-oh. A note of suspicion crept into his voice. “Are you sure she’s hot?”

  “Smoking.”

  “All right. I’ll date your sister. What time should I pick her up?”

  What a gentleman. His offer to pick her up made me feel better about calling someone I’d never met and paying him to take my sister off somewhere to an unknown location for a few hours.

  “Would six o’clock work?”

  “That’s in, like, an hour! Okay, sure. Let me get your address. Hold on. I’ll get a pen.”

  I waited while Jonathan hunted down a pen and then gave him my address. We said goodbye, and he promised not to be late.

  Happiness coursed through me. Maggie would be occupied tonight and would not be getting her claws into Gavin—or my life. Tonight, anyway. Now to tell Maggie about it. I was sure she’d accept the plans I’d made on her behalf with appreciation and grace. Yeah, right.

  I found her in the kitchen with Sophie and Corey. Sophie was giving Maggie a cooking lesson. Corey seemed to be hanging around tasting anything left unattended.

  Sophie swatted Corey’s hand away from the bowl. “That has raw egg in it.”

  “What are you guys making?” I asked.

  “Quiche Lorraine, spinach and strawberry salad with a balsamic vinaigrette, and chocolate soufflé for dessert.” Sophie grinned.

  “Sounds wonderful.” For a split second I regretted I’d be going out for dinner.

  “It will be.” Maggie nodded and glanced at Sophie. “I’m learning how to make the soufflé and it’s going to be awesome. Eden cooks, but she’s never taught me.” There was a tone in her voice at that last part.

  “You never wanted to learn. Any time I tried to show you anything you bit my head off.”

  “You never wanted me around. You never wanted to do things with me, and you still don’t.”

  “Because you’re so fun to be around.” I silently wished Jonathan good luck on their date tonight. He was going to need it.

  Maggie turned and gave me a look, all ready to spew a comeback that was sure to cut me in two, but I caught her off guard when I said, “Never mind, Maggie, I’m sorry. I didn’t come in here to fight. I actually have a surprise for you.”

  Maggie crossed her arms and tilted her head. “A surprise?”

  “Yes. A wonderful surprise.” I fluttered my hands in the air for emphasis. “I think you’ll love it. I just got a call from a dear friend”—and yes, I was aware that I was going to have to tell some whoppers to get her to buy into this date idea tonight—“who was looking for something fun to do tonight and I said that I was busy but my sister was in town, and he said he’d love to take you out and show you a good time! Doesn’t that sound like so much fun?”

  “No,” Maggie said.

  “Well, it will be really fun,” I said past a clenched jaw.

  “What are you doing? Are you trying to fix me up with an old boyfriend or something? I thought you didn’t even date. I’m not going out with some old guy you dated.”

  “He’s not old. He’s twenty-three and he’s in college.”

  “Pervert. What are you doing going out with someone who’s so much younger than you? That’s gross.”

  “That’s only two years yo
unger than me and I never went out with him. He’s the younger brother of a friend. A great friend.”

  Sophie and Corey had turned around from their kitchen tasks and were staring at me, trying to make sense of the conversation. They knew I didn’t have any friends besides them.

  “Whose brother is he?” Sophie asked, obviously curious about how big a tale I was telling.

  “Matthew Decker’s brother, Jonathan. Sophie, you know all about it.” My eyes pleaded for Sophie’s collusion.

  Sophie registered genuine surprise. “Matthew Decker’s little brother is taking Maggie out tonight?”

  Maggie snapped her head around from glaring at me to angling her head in Sophie’s direction.

  “Exactly!” I fluttered my hands again, sketching in the air an outline of the perfect date. “Won’t that be great?”

  Sophie narrowed her eyes at me before turning her attention to my sister. “Maggie, I’ve never met Jonathan, but his older brother, Matthew, is really hot! Like really hot. On second thought, Eden, are you sure it has to be Maggie that he’s going to take out tonight? You could fix him up with me. I’m only twenty-eight, you know. That’s not that much older than twenty-three. I’d totally go out with him on DNA alone.”

  Sophie’s serious tone alarmed me, although it worked to my advantage since she was piquing Maggie’s interest.

  Maggie stirred the grated cheddar cheese into the quiche Lorraine filling. “If you think Matthew’s so hot, why aren’t you dating him?”

  Sophie looked up from rolling the crust with a twinkle in her eyes. “Oh, he’s got something going on with your sister.” She had the nerve to wink at me.

  “No, he doesn’t.” I was not a hussy. Despite my parents’ pride.

  “She says that,”—Corey paused as he pinched a piece of uncooked pie crust and popped it in his mouth—“but I’ve heard they have some serious chemistry. I wouldn’t be getting in the way of that, either.”

  “You both are welcome to try.” I pulled out a chair and perched on it next to Corey, though I wouldn’t be trying the rare delicacy called raw pie crust dough. “I’m dating Gavin, remember? Matthew is available from what I hear—a lot—from Jonathan. Either of you are free to date him. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.”