by Lolah Lace
“Kat, I want to talk to you.”
“Okay.” Her soft coffee-colored eyes were full of sparkle.
I took in a labored breath. This was going to go bad. I just knew it.
“Yesterday—”
“Right, yesterday—”
I had to cut her off before I lost all the courage I had worked so hard to build.
“Kat, after we shagged, I mean slept together I’ve come to the conclusion that I really like you.”
“You like me?”
“Yes, a lot.”
“I like you too.”
“I like you more than the normal level.” I had to stop talking I couldn't get the words out the way I wanted them to come out.
“Jason, what happened between is—”
“Kat, you have to let me finish. What I have to say is rather important.” I needed to breathe in and out to get the words to flow in the right order.
“Okay, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”
“I, I haven’t been completely honest with ah you.” I stammered along.
“About?” She practically growled and I had to pause to figure out my next move.
“My name, my name, isn’t, really, Jason.” I waited for a second to let the weight of my declaration sink in.
Her forehead wrinkled with seamless lines. “So, what’s your real name?”
“It’s Jagger. I name is Jagger.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Jagger?”
“Yes, Jagger, Jagger Adkins.”
She squinted her eyes. “Like the boy band guy Jagger? The one those little girls were raving about?”
“Yes, I’m that Jagger.”
She sighed heavily. She didn’t believe me. She thought this was a prank. “Not Jason Smith?”
“No, no, I’m not Jason Smith.”
“What? I saw your identification. Did you forget?”
“It’s not real. It’s a fake I.D.”
She let out a bit of a nervous laugh. “This isn’t funny Jason.”
“I’m being honest now. I lied before. I’m Jagger Adkins.”
Kat looked around like she was searching for a hidden camera. “If you’re that guy, why would you be in Galena Illinois?”
“It’s a rather long story.”
"I'm an editor. I always have time for long stories." She had a sodding attitude but that was understandable. It pained me to see her confused and pissed at me.
“Here’s the Letts. I’m in town in rehab for drug and alcohol addiction.”
Kat laughed out loud startling me a bit. I didn’t expect that reaction and I didn’t know what to do with it.
“Haha, Jason—”
“Jagger.” I corrected.
“This little joke isn’t that funny.”
“It’s not a joke. My name isn’t Jason. I’m not American. I can do the accent. I’ve been doing an American accent this entire time. I’m doing it now. I want to stop.”
“How do I know you’re not lying now?”
I blow air out my mouth and decided to stop the accent and speak in my normal way, born and bred Londoner. “I’m totally being honest with you now. I don’t want to lie to you anymore.”
“You said Letts, instead of Cliff Notes.”
“This isn’t a trick. I’m from Southgate London. This, us, it started all wrong. The entire point of rehab is, to be honest with yourself and the people around you. I don’t want to do this anymore, this charade. I don’t want to lie to you. The fake accent is over. I want to just be truthful. I just want to be me when I’m with you.”
I couldn’t read her face. I couldn’t gauge her feelings. My Brit was back and she was assessing it wisely and properly.
“Katrina, I’m properly sorry about this. Really bloody sorry.”
Her eyes bulged and I knew I’d said something wrong. But what?
“Who the fuck are you?”
“Honestly, I don’t exactly know. I’m in therapy trying desperately to sort things out.”
Katrina’s eyes enlarged as she listened even more to my British accent. Not an accent to me but American’s thought so.
“Am I a joke to you? Is this all a fuckin’ joke to you?”
“No, of course not.” I pleaded.
“Is this job a joke? Why? Why would you do this?”
“This is not a joke to me. I’m an addict, drugs, pills, alcohol. Addicts need to occupy our time. People like me need structure. This job, working here, it gives me something to do, a solid foundation while in rehabilitation. I didn’t know I would fall for you.”
“Wait.” Her hands were now perched on her hips. “So, I don’t even know if I believe all this.”
“It’s all true. My therapist can confirm this.”
“Okay wait. What therapist?”
“David Glass.”
“What the fuck?” She took a deep breath. “You’re uncle?”
“He’s not my uncle. He’s a doctor. A psychiatrist that specializes in drug and alcohol addiction.”
She pursed her lips. “So, who is Jason Smith?” Her arms flow out to her sides.
“My alias, I know you don’t know anything about Toxic Shock but we have a pretty wholesome image. We’re pegged as clean-cut lads from the UK. To some degree, I’m considered the bad boy of the group. In the eyes of the public, I’m not allowed to be a drug addict. I’ve been hiding my addiction for years. If the drugs and alcohol abuse get out it would be bad for everyone, my bandmates, their families, managers, producers, the record company and my fans, the group’s fans. That’s why I’m here in an American rehab in this small town no one’s ever heard of. I’m hiding here with this stupid Jason alias. If TMZ, The Sun or the Daily Mail got wind of this it would be devastating for me and all parties concerned.”
There was silence that seemed to last as long as a Quentin Tarantino film.
“Kat, please say something to me.”
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to believe. Is this British accent real?”
“I’ll prove it.”
I removed my cell phone and placed a call. I watched Kat watch me and waited until Glynn picked up the other line. I quickly placed the call on speakerphone. I needed Kat to hear the exchange between Glynn and me.
“Hey, Jag. Why are you calling me?” He answered with his normal sense of upbeat astonishment.
“Glynn, I’m checking in. You say I never call.”
“Yes, I say that all the time. We talked this morning. Did you smooth things out with David?”
“Yes, he didn’t bite my head off but I had to take another drug test.”
“That’s all apart of the deal.”
“I know but it’s still bloody humiliating.”
“How’s the therapy?”
“It’s coming along well I think. David is trying to get to the root of my self-destructive behavior. It’s an awful lot of talking.”
“That’s how therapy works.”
“I’m doing better. I’m making a proper go of it.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“How are my mates?” I asked.
“The boys are good. I believe Winston is most worried about you. He found you. I think he feels responsible in some way. He thought you were dead.”
“Make sure he knows this was all me. It’s not his fault. Tell him I sound good. I’m doing better. I don’t want him to worry. Should I call him?”
“No, no, you need this time alone, away from all things Toxic Shock. I’ll tell the boys about your progress.”
“Thanks, I don’t want them to worry about me. I’m committed to this and I’m getting treatment. I’ll be back better than ever.”
“Of course you will. We can’t lose you. Hey, are you still working in that candy store?”
“Yes, Sweet Treats.”
“Good, David says you seem to like it there. I’m glad you have somewhere normal to spend your free time.”
“I have a pretty strict routine.”
�
�You still writing songs?”
“Yes, I wish there was a recording studio or maybe even just a piano.”
“We can’t build a recording studio in David’s home but I can maybe get you a piano.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I’ll make some calls and get it shipped out to you as soon as possible.”
“That would be great.”
“That’s my job. I manage.”
“Cool, Glynn I need to get back to work.”
“Yeah, yeah, stay strong Jagger.”
“Later Glynn.” I ended the call.
I’d been watching Kat’s eyes the entire time but I couldn’t read them. I waited for a moment. I waited for her to say something to me. When that didn’t happen I thought I should say something.
“I care about you and I couldn’t lie to you anymore.”
“Fine, Jason, Jagger, what do you want from me?”
“I just want you to give me another chance.”
“I don’t know if I can do that. You’re on drugs and in rehab.”
“No, I’m not currently doing drugs.”
“This is too much. I don’t think I want that around me. You lied. I don’t like liars. I don’t want you around me.”
“Kat, please don’t terminate my employment. I like working here. I like working for you.” I liked being with her. I didn’t want to say that. She didn’t feel for me like I felt for her.
“Jason, fuck! Jagger, I can’t trust you.”
“You can. That’s why I’ve come clean. This wasn’t a slight against you. I had to go under an alias. I had to blend in.”
“I think you should go home or wherever. You need to leave.”
“Back to David’s.”
“Yes.”
“But I don’t want to leave you like this.”
“Like what? You’re not the first man that’s ever lied to me. You’re probably just the youngest.” She huffed. “Wait? Are you even over eighteen?”
“Kat, I’m really twenty. That part wasn’t a lie.”
“Well your I.D. is fake so there’s that.”
“The name and address are bullocks but the age is real. The date of actual birth is off but its’ the same birth year. I’m legal. I’m twenty years old.”
“That doesn’t make me feel better even if it’s true.”
“What can I do to make you feel better?”
“Leave. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
“What?”
“We slept together a few times. It’s over now. Go get better or whatever.”
“You said you don’t want to see me again.”
“I don’t. I know you’re famous Jagger or whatever but I’m too old for this bullshit.”
“When did you become too old?”
“Today, right now. I’m done. I don’t care about this drama. I don’t care about you.”
She walked a few steps and lifted my backpack off the floor. She walked around the counter to me and shoved the pack right into my chest. I had to take it in my hands because she released it.
“Seriously?” My fucking heart fell to my feet. Her words were like a knife in my chest.
“Don’t make this more than what it is.”
“What is this?”
“It was a mistake.”
“A mistake?”
“Yes! Get on your fucking bike and get the fuck out of here!”
Panic or something was happening to me. I wanted to lash out. I needed a drink. I needed a line. I wanted to do something really bad. My emotions were in a tug of war with my brain.
“You can’t mean this.” I pleaded.
“I mean it. Get the fuck out!”
The bricks on my chest wouldn’t seem to fall off. She took a step to her left to clear a path for me to go toward the back door. My bike was parked in the yard. The anger in her face hurt me. I didn’t know what I expected to happen but this wasn’t it. I thought she would be upset but this felt final. This seemed like abandonment and I literally had felt that feeling so many times in my short years on earth. Fear, loneliness, and grief were the coconspirators in my addiction. I was so happy here. I’d forgotten all about them. I thought they died but they were back again calling out to me.
I took a step in her direction and she flinched. What did she think I was going to do? She was afraid of me when I had only shown her kindness. One lie and she didn’t want anything to do with me.
“Katrina.” I was insulted. I was Jagger Adkins of Toxic Shock. I had never been treated like this.
My brain said walk out with your dignity bloke. My body had other inclinations. I balled my fist, raised it out above the glass counter and— SMASH! I punched down into the glass. The shattering, crashing noise was vulgar and final. It was my only recourse. It was rash and idiotic but I’d done it.
Katrina stepped back until she was pressed into the wall. I stalked past her and dashed out the back door.
I didn’t even remember the hall, the kitchen or even opening the back door. I didn’t recall getting on my bike, leaving her backyard or even peddling away. Halfway to David’s I looked down and my hand was gushing blood. I left the road. I parked my bike under a tree so I could go into my back park and wrap my hand in the spare t-shirt I kept inside. It was a Kurt Cobain t-shirt. He was dead. I felt dead inside and wrapping my literal bloody wound in his memory just seem to fit the occasion perfectly.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Chapter 16
KATRINA
My head was spinning I was cursing under my breath as I carefully cleaned up the small pieces of glass that were everywhere. I didn’t cut myself on the jagged shards so that was a plus. I’d never seen his temper. Now that I had, it showed me how ridiculous and immature he was. I was in a daze for the rest of the time the store was open to the public.
A few teens from Jason’s fan club stopped in and were disappointed when he wasn’t around. Jason, huh, his name was fucking Jagger. I was mad at him, crying mad. There was this rage I couldn’t seem to control. He was a piece of shit and the list of reasons to be furious with him was piling up.
After too many internet searches and clicking everything I could find, I consumed all that was Jagger Bowie Adkins. After I searched him I naturally searched for all the Toxic Shock information I could. There were pages upon pages and a plethora of photos. Everything I saw just endorsed that I didn’t know this man at all. I was tired and overwhelmed. It was just too much information to consume.
I surmised that Toxic Shock was a group of four guys from London. They were all over eighteen. Jagger was twenty years old and his birthday was coming up in November. Jagger was his birth name, not a stage name. He was a child star that had been the lead of a London based children’s television show called Kiddie Kingdom. He started on that popular show when he was just five. That’s if Wikipedia was correct.
I should’ve never had sex with this stranger. I felt duped. I’d only known him for a little over three weeks. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking. My hormones got the better of me. I hadn’t had sex in a year and three months. I slipped up once after the divorce and had sex with Erik after he pressured me. That was a colossal mistake too. Being single was just too hard. I had two mistakes under my belt and I was determined never to have another.
I felt like a fool, an old fool. Why would this young man even want to have sex with me? Was this just some stupid joke to him? I had kids, my own family and he had an entire career in music. We didn’t match. I guess he could check bedding a cougar off his bucket list. He probably was thinking you only live once while he was inside me. Or worse he had sex with me so he could run back and tell all his little boy band buddies how old I was.
If Google was right he was worth seventy-two million dollars. That was surreal. Why the hell was he working in my candy store for minimum wage? None of it made an ounce of sense. There was no mention of a drug problem online. There were a few stories about him being drunk in public. Nothing that would indicate th
ere was a problem. These stories didn’t make much sense because he was under the legal drinking age. With another quick internet search, I read it was legal to drink and purchase alcohol in London England at the age of eighteen.
I was tired of pretending when customers were in the store. I couldn’t wait for this day to be over. My eyes hurt from reading all the Toxic Shock stories. I wanted to close Sweet Treats early but that wouldn’t solve anything. It would make me feel weak and even more stupid. I just couldn’t let a fucking twenty-year-old get into my head like this.
I knew it shouldn’t have bothered me. But all his rumored hookups, the dating stories, and all the models, actresses and singers he was linked to made me feel even worse. What was he doing? I didn’t think these women were better than me, or prettier than me. They had stylists, personal trainers, and lots of money. All the things that gave them access to plastic surgeons and whoever else could make them look airbrushed and picture-perfect. I wasn’t aging backward but I knew I looked good for my age. Still, I felt something. I wouldn’t call it jealousy but something.
Jagger pursued me. Why? Was he just that bored here in Galena? My brain hurt trying to figure out his motives. He was what the young kids called a fuckboy. It didn’t matter. I would never get an honest explanation. He was dead to me. I would never see him again. I told him to disappear and I meant it.
I was so gullible. His little guitar serenades, his dead mother tattoo, all an act. Damn! He’s a professional actor. He literally played American characters in movies. Next to all the bullshit, Erik pulled in our marriage it didn’t compare to this mess. This time, I really got played. I should’ve been more cautious. These men are out here being deceptive in ways I never dreamed existed.
I closed the store and my brain hurt thinking about the lies. I was going to have to get the locks changed. I also had to reset the code to the alarm system. I needed the manual for that. I also needed to get the glass display fixed. I would be able to handle all of that tomorrow. It was late and I was over this day.
Once I closed the store I went upstairs and took a hot bath. Reading was a pleasure for me and I couldn’t even do that. The warm water of the bath was supposed to soothe me. It didn’t. I started sweating and then I started crying. I didn’t bawl my eyes out but I felt betrayed. I would never admit it to anyone but I felt a genuine loss.
