by Lolah Lace
I couldn’t believe I let him get into my head like that. I trusted him with my store, my body, and my personal safety. I had unprotected sex with this guy who probably had sex with half the women in Hollywood.
I was overwhelmed with emotion. I could only do so much at once. Tomorrow after the repairs I was going to have to buy one of those STD tests from the drug store. I didn’t have a doctor in this town.
I got out of the tub and went straight for the wine. I could feel whatever I was feeling today and let all that go tomorrow. There were only two months left in this place. I could just run the store alone. I didn’t want to deal with anyone else. I wanted to go back to the comfort of my house in Naperville.
I didn’t know if I was going to tell anyone this absurd story. Rolanda was going to ask for an update on my little sexcapades. She wasn’t the type to judge but I didn’t want her to know what a dumb ass I had been. Plus the story was too stupid and too unbelievably to share.
I put on my nightgown and crawled under the blanket. I had my bottle of wine and my cell phone. That was all I needed. I shouldn’t have gone to his Instagram account but I did. His IG name was simply jaggerbowie. He had a post from today. The location said somewhere in London, it was a picture of him sitting in a chair with a guitar. It was posted this afternoon when he was here with me. This picture wasn’t taken in Galena. I knew that for sure. Did that mean someone else was posting to his IG account? It had to be. I knew the guy Jason, and the singer and actor Jagger, they were the same person.
None of what I saw on his account made me feel any better. He had 55.8 million followers on Instagram. A black and white picture of his hands got 1,794, 521 likes. The completely messed up part about it was those were his real hands. I’d seen his hands, touched his hands and felt his hands on my body. Pictures of his face had over five and four million likes. I had to just stop myself from looking at pictures of him.
After watching videos, hearing him sing acapella, and playing electric guitar I was so done. That was his soulful voice. It was the same voice that sang to me and acted like he was just some novice or whatever. He was such a fucking snake, a phony ass fake. I bet he laughed when I said he should be a music teacher. I was an entire joke. He was so fucking amused by the prehistoric lady that didn’t recognize him.
I wanted to fling my cell phone across the room. I was too old to have a tantrum. Instead of acting out, I took another drink of wine. I downed the entire bottle in record time and snuggled into my pillow for what I hoped to be a sound sleep.
Chapter 17
JAGGER
I don’t know why I felt so low. I had been lying to Kat and I felt compelled to tell the truth. She deserved it— the truth. Maybe I didn’t do the right thing. I didn’t know if it was the right time. I didn’t know why her rejection hurt so much. It was like a punch in the gut. My emotions got the better of me and my adrenaline took over. My actions were appalling. Why did I put my fist through that bloody glass? She thinks I’m a fucking psycho. I actually cared what she thought about me.
I was too embarrassed to share what happened with David. I called on Fiona instead. I had a cut-up hand. After Fiona cleaned and bandaged my hand I stayed in my room. I felt like a piece of shit. I had the hardcore blues. I’d felt this way before but there was something hollow and shameful about this time. I grabbed my guitar and I had to compose. Music was my brand of therapy.
(Verse 1)
I didn’t know this would happen to me
I was alone in a world of grief
I lost everything I ever loved
I never knew I could feel such love
Inhaling air but I never breathed
Until your heart opened up to me
I didn’t know how good we could be
Until I experienced real ecstasy
There was no more blowing it all away
No more smacks in the face
I’ve been speeding through my life
This time I’m trying to get it right
With you through the days and nights
Please forgive me when we fight
(Chorus)
I didn’t want to lie
They say a grown man shouldn’t cry
If I tell you now
You won’t believe me, why
Because I fell for you
Any man would do it too
The things I say to you
From now they all are true
Oh baby can’t you see
My brutal honesty
(Verse 2)
I know I’ve been a dope
What I feel is not a joke
What’s been said can be misspoke
After the fire, there are so many clouds of smoke
I didn’t know you would fall into my lap
The perfect gift I should unwrap
I’ve had so many mishaps
I don’t want you to think this is a trap
Riding on my white horse
My cracks have no support
I want to be Adam to your Eve
I can admit it was all me
I don’t care about how it should be
Because I need you chronically
(Chorus)
Oh girl, I didn’t want to lie
They say a grown man shouldn’t cry
If I tell you now
You won’t believe me, why
Because I fell for you
Any man would do it too
The things I say to you
From now they all are true
Oh baby can’t you see
My brutal honesty
(Verse 3)
Before you came, my eyes were closed
One look at you and I awoke
When the dust turns into smoke
The love I have is not a joke
Living life trying to blaze it up
Acting like I didn’t give a fuck care enough
Being with me I know was tough
Doesn’t mean I deserve your trust
I couldn’t see the forest, for the trees
I picked a flower and you plucked a weed
Love is blind and I couldn’t see
Until your love rained down on me
That’s why I’ve written you this song
Been trying to hash out my rights and wrongs
The song I wrote was finished. It was chockfull of drug references. I couldn’t think of anything but getting high. I needed relief. It was late, two o’clock in the morning. I wanted to go out and look for drugs, someone to sell me something. It didn’t matter what. I’d done practically every drug I preferred stimulants and opioids over hallucinogens. I wanted out of my head. I needed release. I needed to fly.
I was quiet when I snuck out of the house. I knew there would be severe repercussions if I were caught outside of the house. Dire consequences if my drug tests came back positive. I fucked up too many times before.
My bloody urges pushed me to flee. I got on my bike and rode away. I was out at night peddling in the darkness. Although I didn’t have a destination I somehow knew I would end up where it all started.
I opened the outside gate and walked my bike through the backyard. I placed my bike against the side of the building. My feet paced a small area in the yard. I checked under the cushion of the couch and the key was there. She probably didn’t think to remove it. Things had just blown up. I fetched the key before I changed my mind.
Without a plan, I shuffled to the back door. I stood there and got my courage together. Maybe I should turn around and leave her alone. That’s what she said she wanted. She told me to shag off but I just wanted to make things right. I debated if I should use the key to let myself in. I dialed her mobile instead. After it went to voicemail I sent a text message.
[Come downstairs. I’m at your back door.]
I stood away from the door to look up at the upstairs window. My heart was beating fast. I didn’t know what she would do. What if she called the police? That would be a __
nightmare. My true identity would be plastered everywhere if the local police wouldn’t take a pay-off. I would have to explain myself and maybe my sober living experience would come out as well. I was here; taking a chance, knowing it could blow up in my face.
I looked down at my mobile then back up at the top windows. I saw a light come on. She was up. She ignored my call but I just knew she read the text. It was delivered and read.
My mobile buzzed in my hand— a text.
SWEET: [Go home!]
ME: [No let me in. You know there’s a key out here.]
SWEET: [GO HOME!!!]
ME: [2 minutes please open the door]
I watched for a reply on my mobile. Nothing.
I stood away from the door. I was relieved when the kitchen light came on. I heard the locks on the door. I hurried to the door as she opened it. I rushed past her and inside the confines of the kitchen.
“What the fuck do you want?” She was holding the back door open.
“Close the door. You’ll let the mosquitos in.”
She reluctantly closed the door with one hand and held her satin robe closed with the other. I walked further into the room until I was in the hall and standing at the bottom of the stairs that led to her flat. Her eyes noticed my bandaged hand.
“Jason.” I didn’t correct her when she called me that name. She followed me.
We were standing face to face in the hall. In my head, I rehearsed what I was going to say.
“I couldn’t sleep. I needed to see you. I just couldn’t leave things the way we left them. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I—”
Maybe I should have let her speak before I pressed my lips on top of hers and pushed my tongue deep into her mouth. My body didn’t have a pause button. My arms wrapped around her body and held her close to me. Her lips were so inviting and I couldn’t help myself.
“J—”
“Yes, I’m Jagger.”
“Jagger.” She sighed into my mouth and my cock vogued in my trousers. My tongue invaded her mouth and went to town. My hands found her rear and pushed her body into mine. She wasn’t wearing any panties under her short satin robe. I bent and picked her up off her feet wrapping her legs around my waist. She held on to me tightly with her arms wrapped around my shoulders.
The stairs were steep but I carefully walked up them with Kat in my arms. Once on the second floor and carried Kat into her bedroom and gently placed her on the bed. Her robe fell open exposing a thin white dressing gown. I could see her ample breasts and dark nipples. I was going to get another chance to shag this princess. I was hungry for her and I didn’t care about her clothing. I wanted to be inside her. I hurriedly removed my clothing kissing her in between every garment I discarded. After a frenzy of pulling we both were completely nude.
Her eyes were a dream to me. I thought I’d never see them again. My throat went dry thinking about what a tragedy that would’ve been. I kissed her lips.
“I’m sorry.” I pushed my solid cock into her open legs and without help from my hands, he found his way inside. She spread her legs to help me enter.
“Fuck!” My eyes rolled back as I was pulled deep inside of her. This was pure ecstasy and better than that drug.
I tucked my arms under her body. We were wrapped like a burrito. I had her and there was no way she could escape. My thrusts were tantric, rhythmic and concise. Every swing was a home run. Every hit was a grand slam. Our bodies fused together like puzzle pieces. I needed to have the pleasure of her company like I needed air. I buried my face in her neck and soaked up the smell of her aroma.
The lull of her pussy was unmatched. Why did she have me so fucked up in the head? Why was drowning in her pussy and loving every second of it?
My dick was trying to blast so I had to lift up. I looked down at her. She looked like an angel with her eyes closed. Her mouth was open and moaning every time I plowed in deep.
I rocked into her and used my cock to stir her juices into a warm cocktail of pleasure.
“Open your eyes.” Her eyes opened slowly. We were gazing at each other. “Do you like this?” I hit her with one of my best strokes.
“Yesssss.” I groaned.
“You can’t leave me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise.” She murmured.
I bent to kiss her plump lips. I winced when she used her muscles to squeeze my cock. I didn’t want to come. I wanted to savor her insides. I wanted to bath in her liquid honey. Her tangy pussy sauce was my new jam. Holding on to my bloody cum was getting harder and harder. I’d never felt this closeness with a woman before.
I couldn’t perform up to my usual standards because I was too overwhelmed with the otherworldly passions I’d never felt before. Sex before Kat was always ordinary. The goal was to bust a nut. I always felt it in my loins but this time I felt things in my cock, my chest and in my sodding brain. It was quite terrifying and a bit divine.
I could see further in the future with Kat then I could with any woman I shagged. I cared about her thoughts, her wants, her mood. All of my bloody caring spilled out into my cock like confetti out of a piñata. I had beat my cock against her walls and all my liquid candy spilled out.
I was knackered beyond belief. That sex was too passionate it felt like love or something. This sex was totally unique and I figured out why. I wasn’t fucking like Jason anymore. I was fucking Kat like Jagger. I preferred to get a kip before I had to head back to the house. All these monumental revelations were exhausting.
I woke in two hours. I dressed and Kat didn’t move at all. She was beautiful when she slept. There was a little smile on her face and I couldn’t help myself. I took a snap with my mobile. I knew I would miss her when she went back to her life. She had family and friends. I didn’t quite have all of that. I had responsibilities. Kat had become this constant thing in my life. I didn’t know how I would manage without her.
I crept out of her flat. I had to get back to my sober house. I came to her place to talk. There wasn’t much talking but I made sure she was okay. I needed to know she didn’t hate me.
I hopped on my bike and went back to David and Fiona’s before they knew I was missing. I was knackered again and slept like a baby. I woke the next morning feeling recharged and refreshed. Having sex regularly was maybe a plus. I showered and brushed. I got dressed for the day.
After breakfast I had therapy. I sat in the leather chair and waited for Dr. David to say something. This was our normal routine. I would enter, sit and wait for him to say something to me. It was oftentimes boring. I didn’t have major breakthroughs every day.
“How did you sleep?” He asked then took a sip of his coffee.
“Good, better.”
“Huh, is that right?” He crossed one leg over the other as he studied me. “Did you sneak out of the house last night?”
Fuck! “I didn’t sneak.”
“The property has video cameras. You know this right?”
I did know they had CCTV but I didn’t think he actually reviewed the footage.
“Yes, I know about the cameras. I had to go out.”
“In the middle of the night?”
“I needed to clear my head. So I went for a bike ride.”
“This is not the way I do things. I have rules and you know the rules.”
“Yes, I do. I’m aware of the rules.”
“And still you seem to consistently break them.”
“I’m sorry.” It was getting harder to hold in my frustration. “I’m sorry. Just give me a drug test.”
“Why, do you need one?” Dr. David crossed his arms over his chest.
“No, I don’t but if it would make you feel better and put your mind at ease, we could just get it over with. You don’t trust me.”
“I’m not supposed to trust you. You are an addict.”
“And you never let me forget it.”
“What happened to your hand? I don
’t want you to bullshit me. Tell me the truth.”
“The truth.” I snickered. “Fiona didn’t tell you?”
“You didn’t tell her so how could she tell me?”
“Right, well, I punched my fist through the glass display at the candy shop.”
“Why did you do that?”
“My boss said she didn’t want to see me anymore. It upset me. It was like a dagger to the heart.”
“This is why you’re not to engage in sex with anyone while you are in recovery.”
“I had to apologize and beg her forgiveness. I needed to tell her to her face. I rode to clear my head and I ended up at the candy shop.”
“Did she forgive you?”
“Yes, I believe so. We shagged.”
“Why did you lose your temper in the first place?”
“I told her the truth about me. I told her I was Jagger Bowie Adkins.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t want to lie to her anymore.”
“Why is that? Why did she need the truth?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you think that maybe you have formed an emotional attachment to this older woman?”
I shrugged. “If you’re asking me if I like her, I do.”
“Why do you like her? What’s so special about this woman?”
“Everything. She’s grand.”
“Maybe she’s special because she’s older.”
“Don’t insult my intelligence.”
“She’s old enough to be your mother and that’s something you’ve lived without for half of your life. It’s something that is missing from your life. Have you ever thought that maybe you’re trying to fill a void in your life?”
“What, a lack of a mum void? That’s pure rubbish.”
“Is it? How do you know? How do you know she isn’t a replacement mother figure for you.”
“You’ve never seen Katrina. She doesn’t look like a mum. I couldn’t tell her age when I saw her for the first time. She’s Black and their faces literally stay stuck the same for decades. This is really, really, insulting. I don’t think of her as a mum figure. I stick my cock in Kat and I don’t think of my dead mum when I’m doing it. I have problems but I’m not some kinky perv weirdo with an Oedipus complex.”
