Tumble

by Locke, Adriana

  Dogwood Lake sits right below us. From our vantage point on the bluff, we can see the changes in blues as the depths vary. A few boats remain as the sun begins to set against the prettiest backdrop of tall pines and rippling water. Purples and pinks streak across the sky as a farewell to the day.

  “I bring Mia up here sometimes,” Dane says. He joins me at the front of the truck. “She likes to bring a little portable grill and have picnics. It’s fun.”

  “It sounds fun.”

  “Are you going to miss this when you leave?” He doesn’t look at me when he says it. His gaze remains focused on the lake in front of us. There’s something about the way he asks the question that makes me think it’s less about if I’ll miss things and more about whether I am really leaving.

  I take a couple of steps ahead of him so he can’t see my face. “Yes. I’ll miss this.” I force a swallow. “I had an interview today.” When he doesn’t respond after a few seconds, I look over my shoulder.

  He’s standing still, his hands stuffed in his pockets, his face sober. It makes my heart twist.

  “How’d it go?” he asks carefully.

  “Good, I think. It’s a few notches down the totem pole from where I was, but there’s a lot of room to move and grow there.”

  “Can I ask why you’re looking for a new job?”

  I blow out a hasty breath. “To keep it simple, I was passed over for a promotion that was mine. I hate when people say that, but it really was. My bosses created a whole new department based on my idea, and they didn’t give me an opportunity to get in there and see it come to fruition. So I quit.”

  He gauges my reaction before reacting himself. Finally, he chuckles. “I’m not surprised.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because. Look at you. You’re . . .” His voice trails off and is replaced with a laugh. “You’re a woman who knows what she wants, and you go get it. You’re strong, Neely. You’re smart. You trust your gut and don’t let anything get you off track. Hell, you were leaving Dogwood Lane before I slept with Katie. Before you hated me. I respected the hell out of that then, and I respect the hell out of you now for this.”

  I gulp, not sure what to say.

  His features soften. “You’re what I want Mia to be.”

  My lips part. I can barely make him out through the tears in my eyes. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” I feel like a baby. I turn away so he doesn’t see me dabbing my eyes with the end of my shirt. Just as I’m bringing the fabric to my face, a set of strong arms wraps around me from behind.

  “I shouldn’t be doing this,” he mutters against the back of my head. “But fuck it if I can help it.”

  There’s no stopping myself from relaxing into him. It’s comfort at its best. My body fills with a tingling warmth that I would harness and keep forever if I could. I close my eyes, breathe Dane in, and appreciate the moment where nothing matters but this.

  “I’ve tried to avoid this with you,” I tell him.

  “Yeah. Me too.” He rests his chin on the top of my head. “But for what it’s worth, you didn’t put up too much of a fight.”

  My chest shakes as I laugh. “Yeah, well, what can I say? I’m a sucker for pain.”

  He twists me around in his arms. A hint of perspiration dots his forehead as he watches me with a cautious glance. “I don’t want there to be any more pain between us. I know you’re leaving. I got that. I’m aware. But I’d like to enjoy however long you’re here, if we can. If that’s okay?”

  My brain buzzes with confusion and excitement. Alarms also buzz in my ears, warning me that the potential to get destroyed is very real. If this were a business decision, I’d take some time to ponder it. But it’s not. It’s Dane. “I’d like that too.”

  He takes my hand and leads me to the edge of the bluff. The colors are fading, the sun barely bridged over the horizon.

  “I was afraid of your reaction to Mia,” he admits. “I didn’t know if you knew she was my child or if you’d dislike her on principle.”

  I force a swallow, trying to shove the guilt of my feelings on this topic back down. It doesn’t work. My throat constricts instead.

  “I spent a lot of nights hating the idea of her.” My head whips to his as I lay this out there, knowing I can’t take it back. “I would just lie in my bed in the dorm or in my apartment and think how her life ended a part of mine.” I look at the ground. “That makes me sound terrible.”

  “I don’t blame you for feeling that way.” He takes my hand again and gives it a squeeze. “It’s true in a way. If I hadn’t gotten Katie pregnant, who knows what would’ve happened? But that being said,” he says, lifting my chin so I’m looking him in the eye, “I wouldn’t change it. I know that sounds like a dick thing to say to you of all people, but I can’t imagine my life without that little girl.”

  His words hurt a part of me that wishes he and I had been able to experience something like having a child together. But the longer I look in his eyes, the longer I really think about it, the wound sort of fills.

  He was made to be Mia’s dad. Knowing them together now, I can’t imagine him without her or her without him. It’s a weird thing to consider, especially knowing how much I’d wished she didn’t exist for so long, but it’s still true.

  “I can’t imagine your life without her either. And I feel terrible for having felt that way.”

  “I’m not judging you for anything, Neely. I’ve seen you with her, knowing who she is. She adores you. You’ve been nothing but kind to her. Besides,” he says, “although it’s not really the same, I spent a lot of years hating gymnastics. That’s what took you away from me.”

  “Yeah, well, I spent some time hating it too. Competitions are tough on the brain and body.”

  He takes a step back, biting his lip. “Well, from where I stand, your body looks like it fared just fine.”

  “Thank you.” I try to be serious but end up laughing. “I think you’ve been spending too much time with Penn.”

  “That was a Penn-like thing to say.” He cringes. “What’s happening to me?”

  “I don’t know but you better watch it. You’ll ruin your reputation.”

  “I don’t think I have a reputation.” He seems to consider this. “I think I’m just Mia’s dad. I’ve lost all parts of Dane the Person.”

  I saunter toward him and fight a smile. “Is that so?”

  He reaches for me, digging his fingers in my hips. I gasp as he drags me into his chest.

  “I take that back,” he says, his eyes burning a hole in me. “I still have some parts.”

  If he weren’t holding me, I think I might fall to the ground. My legs wobble. My hands tremble as I bring them to his face and cup his cheeks. I hesitate, not sure if I should back away or go forward, but the choice is made when he squeezes my hips again.

  “I’m not sure I believe you,” I whisper.

  “Let me show you.”

  His lips fall to mine in a lazy, unhurried way. They brush over my mouth, capturing the moan that emits from my throat.

  As if on autopilot, my lips part, and he wastes no time licking through the inside of my mouth. My knees buckle. My blood goes so hot I think I’m going to pass out.

  He brushes a hand up my spine. His fingers work through my hair, touching me as if his life depends on it.

  I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can only absorb the growing intensity of his soft lips and firm hands. When I begin to shudder under his touch, he breaks the kiss.

  His eyes are wild, his breath panting, as he searches my eyes. I want to lift his shirt over his head. My fingers itch to dance across his bare skin and feel him against me. But as I’m assessing the potential pleasure versus pain in this situation, he takes a step back.

  “We have two choices,” he says, still catching his breath.

  I shake my head. “No. We only have one.”

  My shoulders fall, my bottom lip trembling, because as much as I wan
t this with him, I can’t have it. There’s no reason to continue this. It’ll only make everything harder. He isn’t just a one-night stand, even though I suck at those too. He’s Dane. He’s the only guy I’ve ever considered being with for a very long time. He’s the only man with whom I have a hard time forgetting the way it is.

  He nods, bowing his head. “We better get out of here then.”

  “Yeah. I think so.”

  He opens my door and I climb in. He gives me a long, sorrowful look that cuts me to the core before shutting the door.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  NEELY

  Where’s Mia tonight, anyway?” I ask as the truck hits a dirt road.

  “She’s staying with Madison and Keyarah. They were all supposed to stay at our house, but their mom offered to take them to a movie and I got out of it.”

  “I see.”

  The sky is dark, trees thick on either side of the road. The only light comes from the headlights shining down the country road. I settle against the seat and try to let the sound of the engine’s purr relax me.

  I would have no problem reaching over and taking Dane’s hand. I’d not even have a problem leaning over the console and planting a kiss on his cheek. It would be the most natural thing in the world.

  Whoever said to do what’s right, not what’s easy, is an asshole. Right, but an asshole anyway.

  “Hey,” I say, leaning forward. A security light shines up ahead a good way off the road. “Is that Malone’s Farm?”

  “Yup.”

  “I used to love it out there. I’d volunteer to clean the horse barns just to get to spend the day with them.”

  The light gets brighter. I plant myself sideways in my seat and watch the complex of farm buildings grow closer.

  “If you want to stop by, we can probably get away with it,” Dane says. “I come out here sometimes when they’re clearing land. Things like that.”

  I whip around. “Really? We won’t get arrested or anything? And you wouldn’t mind?”

  He pretends to think about it. The truck almost passes the turnoff before he swerves right and hits the driveway. “Of course I don’t mind,” he scoffs. “I’ll warn you, though. He doesn’t have horses anymore. Got too old to take good care of them.”

  “That’s sad.”

  “Yeah, well, we live, and unless we die, we get older. Right?”

  “I guess.”

  The truck slows as we approach two buildings on the right and the horse barn on the left. An old farmhouse that looks like it hasn’t been inhabited for years sits at the end of the driveway.

  “I’m guessing no one lives here?” I ask as the lights scan across the acreage.

  “Nope. He moved in with his daughter in Fairbanks. He has a guy manage the place for him, but to be honest, there’s nothing here to manage anymore.”

  Dane parks the car in front of the horse barn. “You wanna go in?”

  “Can we?” I hold my hands together in front of my chin. “Please?”

  “The things you talk me into.” He winks as he shuts off the engine. “Let’s go.”

  I slide out of the truck and slam the door behind me. Crickets chirp from all angles, and lightning bugs flicker in the distance. I take a long, deep breath.

  “I’m starting to worry about you and the smell of manure,” Dane says. He motions for me to come along.

  We make our way through the darkness under a sea of silver stars. Memories of running through the fields and chasing lightning bugs come cascading back to me.

  Dane digs a key out of an old lantern hanging near the door and pops it in the lock, which opens with a creak. I stand in the doorway, unable and unwilling to descend into the dark barn until Dane flips on the lights.

  A buzzing sound comes from the bulbs at the top of the barn as they light up the space. Five stalls line the area to my right, and three stand in a row on my left. At the end is an office that the Malones used to run their farm.

  “Wow,” I say, spinning in a circle. “This is even more beautiful than I remembered.”

  The tops of the stalls have hand-carved details in the wood. The beams are thick and rustic, and I could imagine this place selling for a million dollars in New York. Yet somehow, the thought of this place in the city seems wrong. Like the preciousness of it would be spoiled.

  I start down the long corridor, noticing all the little things about the place the younger version of me didn’t appreciate.

  “Thunder used to be in here,” I say, resting my arms on top of a stall door. “He was my favorite. He was a butterscotch color and a creamy white. He was so gentle.”

  “I remember him.” Dane comes up beside me and peers into the empty stall. “I think Lucy was beside him.”

  “Yes. I used to think they were the horse version of husband and wife.” I laugh. “They used to stick their heads out of the stalls and neigh at each other.”

  The glow of the lights overhead creates the calmest ambience. All the stress from my interview, the anxiety from kissing Dane, the nervousness about all the decisions I need to make seem to have vanished.

  “It’s really sad to see this place like this,” I say. “It was always so busy. So chaotic. So full of life.”

  “Farming isn’t what it used to be. With government subsidies and people moving to the suburbs, there isn’t a big market for a hundred-year-old farmhouse that needs work on a bunch of land that needs to be maintained.” Dane shrugs. “It’s sad, I agree. Blame it on technology. That’s what I do. It’s ruining everything.”

  I lean against the stall door. “I guess Mia won’t be texting me anytime soon.”

  “When she’s sixteen and gets a car, she can have a cell phone. I can justify that.”

  I bite the inside of my cheek. “Let’s see how things go the next few years.”

  “We sure will.”

  “She’ll be the only person in middle school without a phone. What are you going to do when Keyarah and Madison have one?”

  “Take them when they come to my house.” He shrugs. “I’ll be the mean dad. I don’t give a shit. She’s not getting warped by all this crap online.”

  His passion is adorable. My shoulders shake as I quietly laugh.

  “What?” he asks.

  “Nothing.”

  He cocks his head to the side. Shadows fall across his face, making it hard to concentrate. “You think this is funny?” He tugs at his bottom lip with his top teeth. “Because I promise you, there’s nothing funny about it.”

  I clear my throat, trying hard not to laugh again. “Absolutely. You’re right. Nothing funny at all.”

  As we settle, my heartbeat picks up the pace. Dane draws his gaze down my body. A trail of fire is left in its wake as his eyes hood. The greens darken, the gold flecks all but gone. He takes a step toward me.

  “Dane . . .” I take a step backward.

  “Neely.” He moves toward me again.

  My breathing becomes ragged as the air heats between us. A spot in the center of my stomach begins to wind tighter and tighter, causing my blood to pulse faster and faster.

  I keep moving backward until I hit the wall. The wood doesn’t give. There’s nowhere to go. Dane stalks toward me like a man on a mission, and I’m the treasure at the end.

  Pressing up on the balls of my feet, my hands fisting at my sides, I have about two seconds to decide what to do. The closer he gets, the more damp my skin becomes and the more my lips part, wanting to be kissed.

  He plants his hands on either side of my head. I can smell his testosterone, feel the energy rippling off his body. He looks at me with a bridled lust on the brink of breaking.

  Screw it.

  I lift my chin. “Are you going to kiss me or not?”

  He starts to smile but stops himself. “Are you sure?”

  “Seriously?”

  “I’m warning you—I think my self-restraint when it comes to you is tapped out.”

  My hands shake as I bring them to his face. “Well
, that’s good because I don’t have any more either.”

  I get a blip of my favorite grin before he kisses me so hard my head rocks back against the wood. My hands run down his chest, over the length of his sides, and on to the small of his back.

  His lips taste sweet, his mouth as hot as fire. Every lick of his tongue makes me moan a little louder. Each press of his hips into my belly makes me ache deeper.

  He roams his palms over my body. Across my swollen breasts and down to the top of my groin, he brushes his touch everywhere he can without breaking our kiss.

  “Damn. You,” he groans.

  I nip his bottom lip and am rewarded with a deep, throaty growl. Every insecurity and possible thought about stopping this is gone.

  I’m all in.

  Digging at the waistband of his jeans, I fumble with the button. His eyes fly open as he realizes what I’m doing.

  “You sure?” he asks as he plants kisses over the side of my face.

  “Does it seem like I’m sure?” I laugh, tilting my head to the side.

  He kisses from my ear to the hollow of my throat. My fingers fly against the button and work the zipper down. He gasps as I dip my fingers into the front of his boxers and feel his hardened shaft against my hand.

  His eyes shine as he pulls away.

  “When did you become a little minx?” He laughs, lifting the hem of my shirt. The material goes over my head and sails into the darkness.

  “It’s hard to pinpoint a specific time,” I tease. I shove his pants down to his ankles. “Although this one night in the Bronx, on top of the—”

  He swallows the words from my lips, halting my story. “I don’t want to hear about it. Now take off your pants.” He removes his shirt, his chest and abs on full display. They’re hard and defined but not overdone by hours in the gym. They’re cut from lifting wood and hammering nails all day. It’s perfect.

  Kicking off my flip-flops, I shimmy out of my shorts. “You asked. I was wrong, though. It wasn’t the night in the Bronx.” My shorts end up in a pile next to his pants on the floor. “It was in Manhattan.”

  “My goal tonight,” he says, grabbing my ass, “is to make you forget about Manhattan.”