Inside Out

by Demi Moore

  Sarah Jane, Sheri-O, and Hunter were here, along with my friend Masha, another single mom—like Sheri and me—who brought her two-year-old daughter, Rumi, one of the great loves of my life.

  Masha is Serbian—from a former communist-occupied country—and not used to the abundance of packages we have under the tree. She found something really profound and lovely to give us: she had an artist draw pictures for each of us, based on Masha’s observations. Mine depicts a queen, and the subtext is about me being able to let myself wear the crown.

  Hailey is my castle. It’s my home, the place where I raised my daughters. It was hard work getting here, but I wouldn’t trade what I have with them now for an easier journey. We all took separate paths, but we’ve ended up in the same place. After what we went through, we no longer take our relationships for granted. Bruce is back in my life now, too, a valued friend and cherished family member. My daughters have two new little sisters—Mabel and Evelyn, Emma and Bruce’s kids—and so our family continues to grow. I’m so grateful we all have one another.

  I’m grateful to Ashton, too, believe it or not. Whatever pain we went through together enabled both of us to grow into the people we are today. We continue to collaborate with our foundation, Thorn, and I’m so proud of the work we do.

  SOMETIMES IN WINTER, it feels like you are inside a snow globe at our house in Hailey. The backside of the house is mostly glass, facing the trees that lead to the river, with the snow-covered mountains rising up behind them. The big flakes fall fast and white, blanketing the natural world, making everything look different—beautiful, peaceful, changed.

  Everyone scattered for New Year’s Eve, and I stayed there at the house by myself. There was a full moon in the sky that night, and I felt like a full person looking up at it. I didn’t need to jet off to a party. I didn’t need a date. I felt I had everything I needed.

  I belong. Here, in myself, in this house, on this planet.

  I am in my mid-fifties now. I’ve outlived both of my parents. I know that what I walked through was a lot. Especially coming from where I came from. The truth is, the only way out is in.

  Acknowledgments

  Ariel Levy: There are no words to describe my gratitude to you for helping make this book a reality. You saw all the pieces as gems and showed me through your mastery how to weave them into a tapestry. Your excitement gave me permission to find joy; your staggering intelligence and direct no-nonsense simplicity helped me navigate the uncertainties and leave the fear behind. And your understanding and compassion made way for me to let the truth flow. Thank YOU. You are a beautiful human, a kindred spirit, and I thank the universe for bringing our paths together.

  Jennifer Barth: This has been a nine-year journey, and through the ups, the crash, and the miracle of completion, you have stood by me, allowing me the dignity of my own process, even graciously offering to let me walk away if needed—placing me and my best interests above the book. I am so grateful it was your office I was swept into that day. You are a magnificent editor, intelligent, extraordinarily skilled, detailed beyond normal human reasoning; but it is your humanity, your understanding as a woman, as a mother, a sister, a daughter, that you poured into the countless, tireless hours together, for which I am most grateful. Thank you.

  Luke Janklow: You are the embodiment of ease and grace. This book truly would not have been written without you. From the beginning you believed in me and my story even when I didn’t. You held the space for me to do this when the pain was so great, I couldn’t even consider opening the door again. You have gently walked me through this process knowing when to step in and when to step back, but perhaps the greatest gift that you have given me was the comfort of knowing that you were there for me if I needed you. You brought solution and positivity to every twist and turn, keeping everything absolutely manageable: you made hard easy, difficult doable, and impossible laughable. Thank you for going on this ride with me. I hope I have made you proud.

  Claire Dippel: We all know Luke would not be Luke without you. Thank you for bringing your joyous smile every day as we moved into your conference room and especially for keeping a steady flow of Red Bull coming my way!

  Hunter Reinking: Where to begin? From day one, over twenty-five years ago, you have gone above and beyond; you have been by my side through countless films, two divorces, and the night shift caring for my mother in her final days. My gratitude for you comes from the depths of my soul and is bigger than I could ever put into words. You have brought your humor, heart, and a healthy dose of loving sarcasm along with your powerful work ethic into more late nights and long days than I can count. I love and adore you and truly don’t know what I would do without you in my life.

  Lenny Hernandez: You are perhaps the sweetest, most kind human I have ever met. There is no task too great or small for you, and no matter what I bring to the table, you meet it with a smile, a joy, an excitement, that spills over with appreciation. You are pure loving kindness and you bring that into everything you do. I am in awe! If I were to learn tomorrow that you are indeed an angel, a saint, a bodhisattva living among us, I would not be surprised. I am blessed to have you in my life. You make so much possible for me, and I could not be more grateful.

  Andrea Diaz: I know where Lenny gets it because you are an angel! You are the love glue that keeps my house, my dogs, my life, together. I love, respect, and have the greatest admiration for you. Truth is, I would be lost without you, and so would Little Man, Diego, Minky, Nibby, Harlow, Merple, and Sousci Tunia!

  Jason, Merritt, and the boys: Thank you for extending your home, your heart, your family, surrounding me with your love and support. Your guest room will forever be my room, and if you’re looking for the key, I still have it!

  Glenda Bailey, my fellow Scorpio: You are my teacher, my friend, and one of the most spectacular people I have ever met. Your generosity and kindness are matched only by the depth of your love and integrity. Thank you for seeing me, supporting and believing in me. I am so grateful for you! You make my heart sing with Joy.

  My team: Meredith and Carrie, thank you for helping me carry this into the light.

  Kevin Huvane: For showing up for me, loving me, and generally being my knight. I love you!

  Dr. Habib Sadeghi: You met a little bird with broken wings who was dying and showed her she could fly again—maybe even higher than she ever has. I would not be standing today, let alone having written a book, without you. You have opened my eyes, reignited my soul, and let my heart sing. I am grateful for you beyond words.

  John Kenyon: You were my first responder, my lifeline of truth, and my beacon of sanity as I crawled out of the rubble. My deepest heartfelt thanks to you for holding that rope and never letting go.

  Sat Hari: When nothing made sense and no answers could be found, you were there, unwavering, with care and loving kindness, nursing me one IV at a time. You are a friend, a teacher, a student, and a fellow adventurer. Thank you for walking this path with me.

  Kevin Dowling: Your healing hands and loving heart carried me through!

  Tej Khalsa: Showing up to your class and being of service to you gave my life purpose and meaning when I had none. I am so grateful for you and for the breath of life you blew my way.

  Ron and Mary Hulnick: I hope through my actions, my words, my deeds, I will show you my gratitude by carrying forward your beautiful teachings in a way that is authentically me. You have touched so many, and I am ever so grateful to now be counted among them. Thank you!

  Morgan, my 6′3″ little brother: We may not have the comfort of a mother or a father, but I am ever so grateful we have each other. Thank you for giving your love and time to venture into the good, bad, and exceptionally ugly parts of our lives for this book. Love you!

  Aunt DeAnna: You have been there for me when no one was. To say I am grateful for you is an understatement. You are a gift, a pure example of loving kindness, and we should all aspire to be as generous and selfless as you are! Thank you for answeri
ng every call, hunting down details, filling in blanks, and bringing out old pictures. I love you.

  Uncle George: Morgan and I were blessed to have you in our lives not just as an uncle but as a brother who looked out for us like a father when ours was gone. Your insights added so much color and flavor to a part of my mom and dad that no one else could have given me. I am so grateful.

  Aunt Billie and Aunt Choc: Thank you for filling in the gaps of love, life, and loss, and for bringing my mom even closer by you being near. I love you.

  The Sewing Bee: GP, Jenni, Jen, Sara, Brig, Daun—love you.

  Lena D: You are magic.

  Peggy, Heather, Guyo, Michelle: You were there. Love you!

  Masha and my beloved Rumi Lou: I am overflowing with gratitude to you and to the universe for bringing you both into my life. For allowing me the privilege to be part of your lives, to witness the magic and growth of this incredible little being you have created. Rumi, I will forever be your “Mi,” and you can have sleepovers and playtime whenever you want. I love you!

  Greta and Linda: You lifted, surrounded, and protected me without even knowing the gift you were bestowing—especially upholding the joy and magic of Christmas! I will forever be grateful.

  Eric B: You are a masterpiece, the best gay husband a girl could ever ask for, and a partner for life. So grateful for you. Love you madly!

  Sheri-O: They say when the shit hits the fan you know who your friends are. . . . Well, it did, and you were there 100 percent. I am one of your biggest fans and ever so grateful you and SJ are not only friends but family. Thank you for hunting down photos to bring this story more vividly to life.

  Laura Day: There are few whose words of advice I value more than yours. You are and have always been my champion. You look out for me with a mother’s watchful eye and at times have protected me even from myself. We are friends, we are family, and when needed, we are the mothers neither of us has. I am so honored and blessed to be part of your beautiful, magical Circle. You would move mountains for those you love, and you do. Thank you for believing in me and this book. I love you!

  To my magnificent daughters, Ru, Scouter, and Boo: My loves, my angels, my reason for everything, to witness you each growing and unfolding in your own time in your own ways into the glorious, dynamic, majestic, intelligent, loving, caring, compassionate, beautiful women you are today takes my breath away. Thank you for allowing me with your love, support, and encouragement the space to do this book. This is my story, and I know that in sharing my experience, it may not have fully expressed yours or captured the nuances of your pain, fear, or triumphs. That is for you to share. I am so grateful you chose me to be your mother; it is an honor, a blessing, and the greatest gift I have ever received. There are so many stories yet for us to tell, lessons still to be learned, and love still to be shared. And I can’t wait to continue our adventure. I Love You!

  Photo Section

  Grandma Marie and Granddaddy Bill King.

  Danny as a young boy; note his lazy eye.

  My father, Danny Guynes, far left, with his eight siblings.

  My mother, Ginny, as a teenager.

  Danny’s high school yearbook photo.

  Ginny’s high school yearbook photo.

  Ginny and Danny at a school dance.

  Ginny’s wedding to Charlie Harmon in 1962.

  Her wedding to Danny less than a year later, in February 1963.

  Ginny and Danny with me shortly after my birth; they were only teenagers themselves.

  Four generations of women: Great-grandma Metcalf, Ginny (holding newborn me), and Grandma Marie.

  One-year-old me.

  With Danny and Grandma Marie. It’s impossible to overstate how much my maternal grandmother meant to me, or the stability she provided.

  Three-year-old me in a treasured photo taken by my dad, and, below, in full cowgirl mode.

  With my beloved monkey. They will always be my favorite.

  With Danny just before I was released from my first hospital stay to go home for Christmas.

  Fresh out of the hospital and feeding my new baby brother.

  My first pair of glasses.

  With Ginny, Morgan, Danny, and Aunt Betty.

  Bath time with Morgan.

  My first public performance, playing an ant dancing to “Sugar, Sugar” by the Archies.

  Roommates: my second kidney flare-up, at age eleven, overlapped with Morgan’s hernia operation.

  With Mom at Christmas, her favorite holiday.

  The mascot grows up: cheerleading in Roswell, 1975.

  With Dad, Morgan, and my cousins about a year before my parents’ divorce.

  With Freddy in 1980, a year before we got married.

  My uncle George walked me down the aisle at the wedding, which took place four months after Danny’s suicide. I was eighteen.

  With DeAnna at the reception. My aunt and uncle were my safe harbor—and they still are today.

  My first “headshot,” post–eye surgery.

  On set in Brazil for Blame It on Rio, my first big movie break, in 1982.

  Happy times with Emilio. Postponing our wedding was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

  With Patsy Rugg in 1996. Patsy was more than my sponsor; she was a surrogate mother.

  With Morgan celebrating my twenty-third birthday in New York, where I was making my off-Broadway debut in The Early Girl.

  Bruce literally swept me off my feet: we met, married, and were pregnant within four months.

  Our “second” wedding photo taken by the genius Annie Leibovitz in December 1987 (we had tied the knot in Vegas on November 21st).

  One of the added bonuses of working with Annie was the ability to chronicle the growth of our family over the years.

  A decade of work and play, from Ghost to G.I. Jane. Hunter Reinking (pictured left) entered our lives about the same time as Tallulah and has been riding this roller coaster with me for over twenty-five years.

  I will be forever grateful for the time I spent caring for my mother in the last months of her life.

  Photograph by Mario Testino

  The love and connection Ashton and I shared was magical; while our losses may have been insurmountable, the highs were truly unforgettable.

  Home is where the heart is: from the top of the mountain with Ariel Levy and Sheri Slater to the ragtag crew at Christmas—Jacqui, Gia, Linda, Masha, Patrick, Rumi Lou, Eric, Greta, Sarah Jane, and Sheri-O. And always, my three little monkeys.

  About the Author

  DEMI MOORE is an actress, producer, director, and activist. She is known for her roles in St. Elmo’s Fire, About Last Night, Ghost, A Few Good Men, Indecent Proposal, G.I. Jane, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, and Margin Call, among many others. Moore is also a cofounder of Thorn, a nonprofit that builds technology to defend children from sexual abuse, exploitation, and trafficking. She lives in Los Angeles and Hailey, Idaho.

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  Copyright

  This is a work of nonfiction. The events and experiences detailed herein are all true and have been faithfully rendered as the author has remembered them, to the best of her ability. Some names, identities, and circumstances have been changed in order to protect the privacy and/or anonymity of the various individuals involved. Others have vetted the manuscript and confirmed its rendering of events.

  INSIDE OUT. Copyright © 2019 by Pajama Party Productions, Inc. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  Grate
ful acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint from the following:

  “The Guest House” from The Essential Rumi by Coleman Barks. Copyright © 1995 by Coleman Barks. Reprinted by permission of Coleman Barks.

  Excerpt in chapter 13 from Vanity Fair’s website reprinted courtesy of George Lois/VF © Condé Nast.

  All photographs are courtesy of the author unless otherwise noted.

  Cover design by Robin Bilardello

  Cover photograph © Matthew Rolston/Getty Images

  FIRST EDITION

  Digital Edition SEPTEMBER 2019 ISBN: 978-0-06-204955-1

  Version 08282019

  Print ISBN: 978-0-06-204953-7

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