Obscurities

by Nahid Husain

  Obscurities

  Nahid Husain

  Austin Macauley Publishers

  Obscurities

  About the Author

  Dedication

  Copyright Information

  Acknowledgments

  PoetryMatters of the Heart

  The Search

  Sometimes

  Heights of Euphoria

  The Corner at Guadalupe Street

  I Dare

  Only Once

  Statues

  Colors

  Ideals

  Kill

  Fire

  Secrets

  Those Little Things in Life

  Rahul and AnyaFor AJ. T

  Meeting Him

  Best Friends

  Target

  Say Goodbye

  Australia

  Two Months Later

  I Love You

  Body and Blood

  -30-

  Vignettes - 1SoulmatesFor AJ. T.

  Perspectives

  A Day Off

  Dreams

  Vignettes - 2Being 29

  Images

  ObscuritiesDedicated to AJ. T, J.M B, S.M.A.K

  One Cup of CoffeeFor Naani, For Coffee and Cake

  About the Author

  Nahid Husain lives and works in Sharjah, UAE. When relatively relaxed, she spends her time in high-stress situations, like the waterparks in UAE (try the Jebel Drop at Yas). This is her first book.

  Dedication

  For Allah

  Sanuk-re-o-ka WalaTansa

  (We shall make thee read so thou shalt not forget)

  Aur jisko sajda kiya

  Usne jhukna hi mita diya

  For my parents

  For Dr. Zulekha Daud

  ‘Naani’

  “For making me believe”

  Copyright Information

  Copyright © Nahid Husain (2018)

  The right of Nahid Husain to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

  Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

  ISBN 9781788787475 (Paperback)

  ISBN 9781788787772 (Kindle)

  ISBN 9781528975384 (ePub)

  www.austinmacauley.com

  First Published (2018)

  Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd

  25 Canada Square

  Canary Wharf

  London

  E14 5LQ

  Acknowledgments

  A big thank you to Murtuz for having confidence in my publishing this book.

  Thank you Mom and Lubaina for saying that my stories were good.

  Thank you Seher, Hermana Menor, for reading all my stories and reviewing them.

  Thank you Rin for all the Papparotis.

  Thank you Alina for the first Mochaccino.

  Thank you to the entire team of Coffee and Cake for all the Mochaccinos and Java Chip Frappuccinos that I woke up to. I owe you more than this ‘thank you’.

  Thank you Nisar, Glogene, Angelica, Tina, Ronald, Haider, Kusum, Reymund – if I’ve missed anybody, sorry.

  Thank you to all my English teachers from Ibn Seena English High School. Without you, I would never have been here.

  And thank you to all my English professors at UT – Austin for making me learn how to write.

  Poetry

  Matters of the Heart

  “Nahid,” he said one morning

  "Why will you not let me in?

  I have been knocking since ever so long

  But you keep shutting me out from within."

  “I have to be very careful,” I said

  “There is a defect in this place.”

  "For who comes in once cannot go again

  To the end he has to remain."

  “So what is the matter?” he asked in surprise

  “Is there not room enough?”

  "Oh, room there is, but there are many

  Who just might break it up?"

  "But I have ventured other ways to enter

  Everything I have tried."

  "Ah! But I have built so many barriers

  That no one can come inside."

  "I can wait till the barriers break down

  Or till you trust me enough not to break."

  "That will never happen, sire

  So please continue in your wake."

  Many years later when he returned

  I invited him in but he said

  "Thank you, but I’m sorry I cannot stay

  For I am engaged somewhere else."

  And in spite of all the care I had taken

  Everything broke, went astray

  “Come in, come in,” I wanted to say

  But just watched him walk away.

  The Search

  I’m looking for something beyond

  I don’t know what it is

  But its loss is making me confused and puzzled

  I don’t know what it is that I miss.

  Perhaps it is something inside myself

  The side which wants to be expressed

  To let loose all the emotions and feelings

  That the years have suppressed.

  Perhaps it is something in my life

  That which I expected but never got

  Maybe something which I can acquire

  But for which I never fought.

  Perhaps it is change that I want

  A break from the daily routine

  The desire to be able to do something different

  To emerge from the stereotyped sheen.

  But what I do know is that

  My discontent will forever persist

  The day I will find what I want

  I will be lost in another mist.

  Sometimes

  Sometimes I’d look up at the moon

  In the velvet, star-studded sky

  Did it ever feel lonely up there by itself

  So gracefully floating by?

  ‘Sometimes moon,’ I wanted to say

  ’Come down, we’ll have a cup of tea

  Oh, and I also know what you can wear

  Come in your cloudy negligee!?’

  Sometimes I’d look so deep into his eyes

  That I’d lose myself in the sea

  And the better I tried to combat the waves

  The further down they would pull me.

  ‘Sometimes eyes,’ I wanted to say

  ’Why don’t you speak out loud?

  I’d willingly drown if I were sure

  Why don’t you lift the cloud?’

  Sometimes I’d look at the plain white sheet

  And wonder why it was so difficult to express

  And sometimes the plain white sheet would express

  The emptiness that years had suppressed.

  Heights of Euphoria

  Heights of euphoria

  Depths of depression

  That is where I live

  Sometimes I yearn now

  For a spot in-between

  But I’m glad my life had none to give.

  Never do I want to live in the middle

  And belong to neither this place nor that

  I prefer the depths for the rest of my life than

  To giving them up for stable flat.

  For maxima and minima

&nb
sp; Are two aspects

  Of graph of the very same life

  It is these variations that

  Distinguish the graph

  From the rest of the other

  Straight lines.

  The Corner at Guadalupe Street

  The first time I was out on Dobie Deck

  Looking out on Guadalupe Street

  An icy wind whipped my face

  A tear rolled down my cheek.

  Far, far away from home I was

  On this cold, gray street

  Cold, gray buildings and cold people

  The whole world looked cold and bleak.

  The second time I was out on Dobie Deck

  I noticed Sound Exchange’s neon signs

  I noticed colorful newspaper booths

  I noticed the vibrant red and green traffic light.

  I noticed the silver stars above

  How many cars were midnight blue

  How many sable green

  I noticed the white line in the middle of the road

  I noticed how many people wore blue jeans.

  The third time I was out on Dobie Deck

  Laughter reached my ears

  The sound of people talking below

  Made me forget my tears.

  I heard a car honking at another

  I heard the leaves rustling in the breeze

  I heard the silence of the beautiful night

  The cars zooming along at top speed.

  The fifth time I was out on Dobie Deck

  I waved to a person below

  I responded when two of my friends passing by

  Decided to shout “hello”.

  I laughed at them running across the road

  I laughed at a car making an illegal turn

  I laughed at two cars in the middle of the road

  Drivers merrily chatting without qualms.*

  The last time I was out on Dobie Deck

  A playful wind tingled my cheek

  I closed my eyes and in my head

  I replayed the Guadalupe scene.

  I counted off the stores one by one

  The newspaper booths, there were eight

  The traffic light changed every 45 seconds

  That’s how long people had to wait.

  I turned away from that Dobie Deck

  A tear rolled own my cheek

  Again the world seemed cold and gray

  Again everything looked bleak.

  I Dare

  I dare to dream of you sometimes

  It’s been many years

  There are unsaid words

  Stolen looks

  Only imagined touches

  Faded dreams, far, far away

  In the depths of memory.

  Memories

  Of school girls in uniform

  Of boys and basketball

  Of secret whispers

  Of broken hearts.

  My heart too has been broken

  Several times

  Yet I dare to dream of you

  Sometimes.

  Only Once

  He walks into my memory, slowly and yet again

  Oh, I wish I had never met you

  I can still visualize

  The splash of the water in the swimming pool

  The beautiful moon

  The moonlight glinting on the surface of the pool.

  The glint of the laser on your face in laser tag

  Your concentrated expression while driving

  Your eyes, your innocent eyes

  The profile of your face that I never felt.

  And I feel pain. Not because the magic is over

  And both of us crashed into reality

  Because I did not dare and yet chastise myself

  For making myself impure, even if only in imagination

  I thought I had attained total control

  But the strength of my passion overwhelmed even me.

  I succumbed

  It was only once

  But it might as well have been ten times

  Because you will haunt me

  Me and my perfectionism

  Forever.

  Statues

  Long, long time

  The heart turns to stone

  The laugh lines, smiles and exuberance

  Disappear into a perfect mold of the face.

  Eyes, they have lost their innocence

  They don’t look hurt anymore

  There is no pain

  Only acceptance

  Only strength

  Only isolation

  Only awareness

  Only yourself in them.

  The heart is stone

  But cracked, thousands and thousands of times

  Can’t be the buffer

  Can’t be the mentor

  Can’t be the inspiration

  Now it has to be protected.

  Barriers and barriers you build

  Till your face turns into a mold and no one can look inside you through your eyes.

  What is sorrow?

  I do not know

  I have become a statue

  And I like it is this way.

  Colors

  The cerulean of my cotton tee

  The emerald of the grass

  The lilac gold of the wispy sun

  On the rocky gray path to class.

  The brilliant red of a Coca Cola can

  The yellow and green Crayola box

  The black-and-white, gray CCI4 molecule

  The honeyed Venice at sunset shot.

  The flashing silver of my rouge key-chained keys

  From beneath a pastel post-it note

  The milky-lime fluorescence of stellar constellations

  In the darkness blended with my coat.

  The turquoise satin of ruffled water

  Changing shades with glints of clear diamond light

  The chocolate eyes of my baby pink teddy bear

  Multi-colored hues of pure delight.

  Ideals

  Let unsaid words remain unsaid

  Let thoughts be pure and true

  Let spirit be free and boundless and eternal

  Let love ring with passion all the way through.

  Let songs be as those that throb with emotion

  Let eyes learn to speak and smile

  Let friendship be selfless and so everlasting

  That it outlives not only spirit but time.

  Let joy be untainted as the rouge at dawn

  Let sorrow quietly flood through your whole

  Let God be your mentor and your counselor

  Let prayer lift up your soul.

  Let hearts be as open as the doors to heaven

  Let life all ill – will shed

  Let magic sunsets turn into starry nights

  Let unsaid words remain unsaid.

  Kill

  How shall I say

  How much the heart aches?

  Need cannot be overpowered

  It returns, fresh with new pain

  How shall I express

  How much I need?

  People don’t need other people

  Each one of us is a passing phase

  For we are immersed in another world

  Which we create, instead of depend

  Causes, to fight for and rallies to march in

  These illusions cannot end.

  How can I admit

  That I need you and not my illusion

  For you will change, and my dream will not

  And I will have to bear the pain.

  So some of us march, while others kill

  Each of us is lost in a world of his own

  Our words overlap but why should

  we share?

  Isn’t there enough for us all?

  04/20/1999: The Columbine Massacre. 2 boys killed 13 people

  What did they need??

  Fire

  I have found my fire

  It exists in passion

&n
bsp; In madness bordering obsession

  In prayer so intense

  That it cannot convey its emotion

  In sorrow so encompassing

  That it tears away the soul

  In a spark so enlightening

  That it burns the core

  It is present in life around me

  In the structured sequences of DNA

  In the perfect orbits of the universe

  In the atoms and cells and molecules

  That contain unimaginable power

  In towering forests and impregnable mountains

  In the mighty flow of rivers

  In the intriguing play of numbers

  That controls economy and society

  In the irrationality of emotion

  That can sweep everything to destruction

  To violence

  In volcanoes that erupt

  And meteors that crash

  In monsters that emerge

  From uncontrollable imagination

  Yes, I have found my fire

  But how do you get a spark to stay?

  Secrets

  The petals of a rose unfold

  Like hidden secrets of life

  Nature has many tales to tell

  Many wonders to expose

  Many signs to manifest

  I need a listener

  I need a learner

  I need an interpreter

  God needs a confidante

  Will you be his?

  Those Little Things in Life

  It’s that smile from someone special

  That sometimes makes your day

  It’s that corny joke that nobody got

  That whisks your troubles away

  It’s those starry nights and those magical sunsets

  That make the world all yours

  It’s watching rainbows in puddles after getting drenched in the rain

  That make any cares all gone

  It’s that ‘Just Because’ gift from a friend

  That’s better than anything else you’ve got

  It’s that unsaid thing which was somehow said

  That leaves you smiling when you’re not

  It’s that one day of ephemeral euphoria

  That makes it worth weeks of emotional strife

  Why? I think it has something to do

  With those little things in life