Where She Was Loved

by Sarah Tomlinson

  "You don't know what that word means. You don't know love!" He shook me, digging his nails into my flesh.

  "Maybe I don't, but that's because you raised me and you don't know, either. But I'm beginning to know." I tried to get myself out of his hold, but he was too strong.

  "I do everything for you, you ungrateful–"

  "You do everything for yourself!" I screamed, with every ounce of anger and hurt I had rising to the surface.

  I had just had the best night of my life and I would not have it tainted by my father. We froze, my outburst shocking us both. But it only worked for the briefest of moments before my father's face twisted in rage.

  One of his hands let go of my shoulder and at lightning speed his fist hit the side of my face so hard, I fell to the ground. Instinctively, I went into survival mode, rolling my body into a ball. Black spots swam in my vision and what I could see was hazy and blurred. The impact from the fist and the ground almost knocked me out. I felt blood drip and coat the inside of my mouth.

  As if punching me in the face was not enough punishment, he kicked me again and again with his thick, booted feet, first in my ribs, then my hip, and finally my stomach.

  He was wailing on me so fast, I stopped feeling the pain as my body began to shut down. My mind tried to cope with the beating. Then the final blow came, I didn't see it coming, but I felt the boot strike my temple. I blacked out the second it connected.

  When I finally woke, I found myself slumped against the window in the passenger seat of the truck, the road rolling past me.

  He did a number on me this time; my face and body felt bruised and swollen, so much so I could barely sit up straight. My body screamed with every move. The moment I remembered what had happened, all the pain rushed through my body at once from head to toe. All I wanted was to pass out again.

  I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the side-view mirror. I was speechless at the sight; not that I could have spoken much anyways. My lip was split and crusted in dried blood, my right eye swollen shut, and my cheek blue and motley. Plus, from the way I was struggling to breathe, I was pretty sure he had also broken some of my ribs. I knew there would be no hope of visiting a hospital; my father would rather me die than take me for care.

  I looked down and almost cried as I saw the state of Meg's dress. It was covered in dirt and blood, a large tear at the bottom hem—it was ruined. I placed my hand into the pocket as panic took hold, but was relieved to find the Polaroid from last night still tucked safely inside. I already knew what we looked like–Eric, handsome and smiling in his tux, and me, radiant with my long hair in loose waves about my shoulders.

  I wished I had a way of contacting Eric, to explain my sudden disappearance. I wished I could have said a lot of things, like I love you, or I'm sorry I didn't listen and I should have gone back to your grandfather's with you. But I could say nothing. All I could do was stare out the window at the other cars going in the opposite direction, wishing to be in any one of them.

  "I need... to go to... the hospital," I struggled to say through my swollen lips.

  "You'll be fine. You brought this on yourself you know," he huffed.

  Did this man have any remorse? "I can't... breathe properly... my ribs," I managed to get out.

  I really didn't think he would do it. Only once before had he caused this much damage to me; every other time I mended, wondering if I was even going to make it through the night.

  I didn't even know what town we were in as I wavered in and out of consciousness. It wasn't until a hand hit me up the back of my head that I opened my eyes to see that my father had parked the car out front of an emergency entrance.

  Getting out of the car, he strolled around to the passenger door, opening it up. Before helping me out, he made sure I knew exactly what to say, or else.

  "You listen to me, girl. I found you like this early this morning. You were mugged when you were visiting the ladies’ room around the side of a gas station while I was inside paying. You don't remember what they looked like." As he continued with his cover story, I nodded, especially after his last threat. "You do me in for something you brought on yourself and I will hunt down everyone you know. That boy will be first and I will make you live to regret your decision if you betray me. Got it? You ever try to leave me and I will kill them all. I have nothing left to live for."

  I knew he would stay true to his promise, so I nodded in agreement. As he guided me through the hospital doors, I needed to know one thing, "Why do you hate me so much?" I managed to ask, trying my hardest to breathe through the pain.

  I thought he would at least take a moment to think about it, but instead he literally laughed, though only loud enough for my ears to hear. "Because you are the reason your mother was going to leave me. Nobody leaves me. Remember that."

  Chapter Thirteen

  Eric - August 2011

  Ash had promised to say goodbye before she left. She said that we still had a few days together and after she left me that morning, I had gone back to my grandfather's, showered and waited. All day long, I walked the property, peering towards where she would normally come walking out of the woods.

  As the sun began to set, my alarm bells went off and I ran as fast as my legs could carry me towards her campsite. The moment I entered the clearing, my heart bottomed out when I saw that all of their belongings were gone. I immediately went into panic mode, wondering if Liam had found out about our night together and had hurt Ashley.

  Running all the way into town, I made my way to the B&B and questioned Ava about whether she had seen Ashley. She sadly told me that it wasn't unusual for Liam to just take off like that. As I walked my way back from town to my grandfather's, I was so mad at myself. I knew I shouldn't have let her go back to the campsite. I should have done a better job at convincing her to stay with me. Stupidly, I thought I had time. I thought I still had a few days to convince her not to leave with her father.

  Those last few weeks in Ligonier were solemn. The loneliness I had felt, not seeing her smiling face every day, not being able to touch or kiss her were maddening. I missed her so much, my heart ached every second of the day. When I closed my eyes at night I thought about all the things that made me love her. Her smile that sprouted the cutest dimples; her light brown hair, naturally highlighted by the sun, always blew every which way in the breeze; her honesty that ignited my interest and captivated my entire being. But most of all, I missed her innocence. It wasn't every day you met someone who didn't spend every moment on Facebook checking her status or taking selfies. Heck, she didn't even own a cell phone!

  There was nothing fake about Ashley; she didn't pretend to be someone she wasn't and I missed it. I missed her. I knew she thought she was stupid and uneducated, but she was wrong. Ash saw and heard everything. She was smart; she just didn't realize it.

  When I finally returned to Memphis at the start of last fall, my only focus was to get through the year until I could again see the girl who completely changed my life. I wanted to be better than I was, to be all I could be—for her. Never in my life did I believe in love at first sight; however, the moment I laid eyes on Ashley that day at her campsite, my heart almost exploded with the unfamiliar feeling. It physically hurt to look at her—she was so perfect in my eyes, as if God had made her just for me.

  The weeks that followed my return home only cemented my feelings as a sense of protectiveness and love overtook my every thought when Ash came to mind. Every hour I wasn't with her was lonely and a longing to be in her presence churned within my very being.

  She had done something to me, changed me from the inside out. I was used to keeping my feelings locked away. I faced life with an I-don't-give-a-crap attitude. Around her, my softer side couldn't help but come out. A happiness I thought had disappeared from my childhood, a happiness I had only ever felt around my mother, erupted in my chest whenever Ash was near. And... I cared. I cared about what she thought of me, I cared about her well-being, I cared about who I would b
e in five years’ time, and whether I would be worthy of her—because, she was worth everything to me. My father finally came to get me, my heart heavy. I knew what I had to do, and I had a year to do it, to become a better version of myself, a better person for Ash.

  A year had passed since I last saw her, and so many changes had occurred. I transferred from my arts college to Memphis University where I began studying to be a social worker specializing in field missions and youth work. I started to teach music and art out of my home, taking my love for Jazz guitar and sculpting and turning them into making a small living. Every day I thought about Ash, I regretted I had never even thought to somehow give her my number. Surely, she could have gotten in contact with my grandfather by now, right?

  I wasn't sure how far Liam would go. I witnessed his rage towards Ashley and it was all-consuming and dark. I felt guilty I had been the one to keep her out all night. It would have looked bad to even a docile-mannered parent. I should never have allowed her to return to the campsite. I should have taken off with her and kept her safe. There were so many things I should have done, yet I somehow didn't clue in on them fast enough and, in turn, allowed her to leave Ligonier with a monster. Those were the questions and thoughts I dealt with daily.

  Liam was the last person she should have ever been around. He was a coward. There was no way he could take me on and win. I would have knocked him into the ground with just a punch. But a man like Liam would bully women, because it made him feel powerful, which was why they tried to dominate the opposite sex, but really, men like him were weak.

  But as I had promised Ash last summer, I returned to Ligonier a few weeks back. All I could do now was wait patiently for her return. It was pure torture on my heart, wondering each day if today was the day she finally arrived in town. I could barely bring myself to eat or sleep as a thousand different thoughts ran through my mind with each passing day she didn't show up.

  Laying on my bed at my grandfather's house, I heard the front doorbell ring and pulled myself up to go answer it. Hoping for a brief moment it may be Ash, I raced to open it, only to discover it was Ava. Not that she wasn't a lovely surprise, just not the one I had been longing for.

  "Hi, Eric," she greeted. She looked as though she aged a decade in the past year; her once sparkling eyes were dim and tired.

  "Hi, Miss Ava! Come on in," I said giving her a small smile as I stepped to the side to let her enter. "I'll go get my grandfather for you."

  She nodded, clasping her hands in front of her. She had been stopping by every day since the middle of June, when everyone became concerned the Nashes had not shown up in Ligonier.

  "Grandpa?" I yelled in the direction of his study where he retired for the afternoon in order to do some reading.

  He peered out of the door. "Yes, Eric?"

  "Ava's here," I pointed behind me.

  He nodded and pulled a smile on as he began to walk down the hallway to meet us. Seeing Ava, he reached out his arms, folding her into a hug the moment she was in reach. "Ava, how are you doing today my dear?" concern for her lacing his voice.

  "I'm so worried about them," she cried, and I knew she was referring to Ashley. "Not them, really. I know Liam's safe. It's Ashley. I don't doubt that... well..."

  Graham began leading her into the sitting room, a supportive hand on her back. "Eric, why don't you come in, as well," my grandfather invited. I followed, and took a seat on the couch beside Ava, who was on the verge of tears once again. "Do you know where they were headed by any chance, Eric?" my grandfather directed the question at me.

  "New York to pick apples in the fall. Well, at least that's where Ash was pretty sure they were headed."

  "They could have gone anywhere," Ava sighed hopelessly. "The only place they ever returned to was Ligonier."

  "Why?" I asked. Surely Ava knew something after seeing them seasonally for years.

  My grandfather and Ava glanced at each other, neither saying a word as a silent understanding passed between them. Then my grandfather nodded to her.

  Ava rubbed at her temple tiredly. "I should have done more. I probably had the power to, but Liam scares me and I didn't want to ruin the chance of Ashley returning again, " she burst into tears.

  And within minutes, as Ava cried heart out, she told me everything.

  I stormed out of the house, unsure of what to do with myself. After my grandfather retreated back into his study and Ava had headed for the police station to file a missing person's report on Ashley, fearing for her safety, I couldn't just sit there anymore. I strode purposefully toward the clearing where Ash and her father had camped the previous summer.

  Standing in the clearing, I wondered if she was even alive. I shook my head to dispel the morbid thought. Of course she was. But then other questions flooded my mind. Does she picture me still waiting for her? Was I even a thought to her?

  Something broke inside of me as I stood there, my heart shattered and bleeding, begging for her to return. I had spent the past year bettering myself and planning for a brighter future only because Ashley was in it. I saw Liam Nash in action though, and my head tried to tell me that Ash was gone. My heart refused to believe it. She would have tried to make some kind of contact if she was still alive, right? My grandfather's church could have easily been Googled, after all. Did she even know how to Google? Surely, if I meant half as much to her as she did to me, she would have found a way to contact me.

  I was losing my mind. I had been just about every place around Ligonier Ash and I had once visited. I finally headed for the spot where we had spent our last night together. Remembering the fairy lights, the music, the kiss, and the way she made me feel, brought a tear to my eye. It had been the best day of my life, and I thought it had been hers, too.

  Making my way towards the stream, I sat down in the exact place I had laid that blanket out over a year ago and I waited. Stupidly, I listened for any sound, even a twig snapping, hoping by some miracle Ash would magically appear and all would be right in my world again.

  After a while, I couldn't stand being inactive anymore, the waiting and worrying was killing me. Charging through the woods, I raced back toward the house and entered through the kitchen door. I struggled to slow my pace as I immediately headed towards my grandfather's study. Barging in unannounced, I came to a halt in front of his desk, leaning over it and wanting his full attention.

  "I need you to help me. I can't wait anymore," I pleaded, out of breath from the run home.

  My grandfather stood up and made his way around the desk, and seated himself on the edge of the desk beside me. He placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, "Tell me what you have in mind and I'll help you any way I can."

  I ran a hand through my hair as I collected my thoughts. "I don't know where to start. All I know is there has to be something... places we can look, things we can do, like call the hospitals or the police. I... just can't breathe knowing something might have happened to her," I admitted.

  It was the first time I had ever truly opened up to my grandfather. As he squeezed my shoulder again, I thought that maybe he was silently saying thank you to me for trusting him enough to be honest.

  "Okay, well let's grab our phones, you get the computer and we will set up in the dining room. You search on the internet for obituaries or accidents from the last year and I'll try my best to see if I can get any information from the hospitals and such," he said as walked out of the office, signaling for me to follow him.

  I had no words; I was beyond grateful. We looked for what seemed like days, every morning waking up and continuing our search and making more calls, but we discovered nothing–not a damn clue as to where she could be or if she was even alive.

  Ava came by and helped as best as she could. The police inquiry went nowhere and the hospitals refused to give out any information on patients. It was as if she just up and disappeared.

  After days of receiving no answers to her whereabouts, my emotions were all over the place. If Ashley was alive, she must
have moved on without me, I thought one minute, but the next moment I wondered if she was crying out for me and hurt somewhere. I no longer wished to think about the alternative if she was dead or dying–it was too horrible for my mind to comprehend. Ava hid information from all of us, except for my grandfather, concerning what she could have done to help Ash.

  I should have dealt with Liam and made her stay with me, to be the knight-in-shining-armor she deserved. Either way, I let her down... and I couldn't deal with that thought at all. It was crippling, but as it stood, there was nothing in my search to indicate Ashley had passed away. I was relieved, yet at the same time it stirred up hurt and anger at the situation. I couldn't understand why she didn't try to get in contact with me, the twins, or even Ava at the very least. Was it too much to ask for just a simple call?

  Even with so many thoughts running through my head, the hardest one I threw out there with each and every prayer was, Why God? Why are you not answering me? Why have you not found her? But even with all my pleading… He remained silent. The hurt and anger I had spent the past year running from, bubbled to the surface and for the first time in a long time, I wondered if there was really a God that was real, and listening.

  I couldn't do it another day. Staying in Ligonier for months on end, waiting for a girl who, as it stood, wasn't going to be returning, I didn't know what else to do. And being in Ligonier one more minute without her there just wasn't a possibility. I couldn't escape the thought of her. Every place I walked had some memory attached to the young woman who came into my life and left just as fast.

  I did the one thing I thought was best. I went home to Memphis, back to my father and decided to join my family of brothers, The Heathens MC. Yeah, I turned my back on the very beliefs that had begun to transform my life.

  Chapter Fourteen