He was impossible.
One step above a caveman.
And not for the first time, I wondered if I was crazy for thinking I could find a way to tame him.
31
Cassian
I could barely keep my head on practice because fucking Clint spent the entire afternoon sitting by the track field with his friends. We had our biggest game of the year coming up on Friday, and the last thing I needed was to mentally check out.
Still, the idea of Clint staring at Charli’s ass while she practiced was driving me fucking insane. It only got worse, too.
The track kids wrapped up their practice early for some reason, which meant I could only watch as Clint jogged to catch up with Charli and the two of them walked toward the locker rooms together. Charli had proven to be defiant as hell, and I was worried she might do something with Clint just to prove a point to me.
Tristan slapped my helmet. “You with us today, fucker?”
I gave him a shove in the pads. “Give me the ball and find out.”
We ran the play, which was supposed to be at half speed. But when Jayson—our linebacker—came to wrap me up at the line of scrimmage, I lowered my shoulder and sent him thudding to the ground on his back. I spiked the ball on his chest and spread my arms at Tristan, who just shook his head.
“Cassian!” Coach screamed. “You fucking worthless sack of pig shit! Go shower off before you injure any more of my players. And you had better come to play on Friday, so help me God. The only thing keeping you on this team is the fact that I wanna win too damn bad to cut your ass. But I dare you to give me an excuse. Play like shit and you’re gone, you got me?”
I stripped off my helmet and jogged toward the locker rooms.
When I got closer, I saw Clint standing in front of Charli, who was red faced and looking down. Fuck. Her body language reminded me of how she’d looked before I’d spread her legs on the kitchen table. Pure. Shy. Innocent.
But willing.
A few days ago, I would’ve walked over and figured out if I could rip Clint’s head off with my bare hands.
Except I needed to know the truth. I had to find out if Charli was worth it, because all my hatred and rage had transformed into something else. I still didn’t know when it had happened or how, but I stopped believing my own bullshit. I didn’t want her to fall for me to punish her.
I wanted her to fall for me because my dad died trying to save her. Because all my angsty bitching about his death being meaningless wouldn’t be true if Charli and I could make it work. It would be the one thing I could do to make his sacrifice have real meaning.
But even that was its own level of bullshit, because the truth was, I had feelings for her. It didn’t matter what morality said or what my past wanted me to believe. I felt good when she was around, and I absolutely felt good when I was inside her.
Now she was trying to pull away, and if I squeezed her wrists to make her stay, I’d have no idea what she really wanted.
For once in my life, I actually needed to know. I had to know what Charli wanted.
Did she want me, or did she want that scrawny, chlorine smelling prick?
Of course, the moment he tried to put his hands on her, all bets were off. But I was going to keep my distance and give her a chance to decide.
With a lump the size of a basketball in my chest, I walked away from the locker rooms and waited in my car. I waited long enough to see Charli come out half an hour later freshly showered and in new clothes. Normally, she walked home. Today, though, she got in Clint’s truck and the two of them pulled off campus.
I clenched my teeth until it felt like they were about to crack, then turned on the engine and followed them.
32
Charli
Once I showered and changed, I met Clint in the parking lot. I tried explaining that Cassian wasn’t lying about us to him after practice, but all I managed to do was convince him we needed to talk “somewhere more private.”
I walked up to him and gave an irritated shrug. As much as I felt terrible for everything I’d had to put him through on Cassian’s behalf, and now mine—I was also starting to lose my patience for the way he was handling things.
“Is this private enough? Or are you still worried Cassian has a sniper rifle pointed at my head from a bush, or something?”
Clint gestured toward his truck. “Come on, just sit in my truck for a few minutes and we’ll talk.”
With a sigh, I followed him to his truck. Once we were inside, he turned on the engine and pulled out of the parking spot.
“What are you doing?”
Clint stared ahead. “Don’t worry, I’m not doing anything creepy. I just… It felt like we were good, then suddenly we weren’t. And every time I try to talk to you, it’s seemed like something wasn’t right. I thought if we just were completely by ourselves for once, maybe you could tell me the truth.”
“I did like you, Clint. But I had feelings for Cassian, too. It wasn’t fair to you, especially after what he did.”
“I don’t care about fair. Give me a chance to prove I can be whatever you think it is that makes him so special.”
I let my head fall back against the headrest and stared out the window. “Clint… You can’t talk someone into having feelings for you. If it’s not there, it’s not there. Right?”
He was quiet for a while as we drove down the road toward town. He looked in his rear-view mirror and cursed. “Shit. I fucking knew it.”
“You knew what?” I turned, looking behind us. A sleek, expensive sport’s car was following. Cassian’s car.
“He’s still controlling you, isn’t he? What’d he say he’d do if you didn’t lie to me again?”
“I swear it’s not like that, Clint. Cassian is screwed up, yeah. He’s possessive and jealous. But I still have feelings for him, even if I can’t explain it.”
Clint turned sharply, pulling the truck down a dirt road leading into the trees. A second later, I heard the screech of wheels behind us as Cassian followed.
“Clint, please. This is crazy. Just stop the car and we can all talk.”
“Talk?” Clint laughed. “You think he wants to talk?”
“Clint… I want out of the car.”
He clenched his jaw, then slammed on the breaks. The truck skidded in the dirt before coming to a stop. I got out just as Cassian stepped out of his car. He was still wearing his pads and football gear and his hair was a sweaty mess, but as usual, he looked strong and beautiful.
Clint got out fists clenched at his side. “Let her live her life, man.”
Cassian’s nostrils flared. “Sorry I stopped you two from fucking.”
“What?” I felt like screaming. First Clint was assuming things about me, now Cassian. It was enough to make me want to break something. “I was trying to explain that I have feelings for you.”
“We both know that’s bullshit,” Clint said. “She does have feelings for me. The only thing stopping her from admitting it is you.”
“Clint, you’re not helping.”
Cassian walked closer so he was face to face with Clint. “Would you kill for her? Because I would.”
My stomach went icy cold. It dawned on me that we were in the middle of nowhere. Clint’s little detour meant there was nobody to intervene this time. No other members of his pack to pull him off if he lost control. And Clint seemed to be living in a delusion where he thought he could survive another encounter with Cassian.
I grabbed Clint’s hand, hoping to think of anything I could to get him to back off, even if it was only temporary so I could have time to think. “Clint… you have to just let it go. This is dangerous.”
Cassian grabbed my arm, ripping my hand away from him.
Like an explosive detonating, it all erupted from there within seconds.
Clint stepped into a punch aimed for Cassian’s face.
Cassian caught his arm and pulled him into a punch that hit Clint’s stomach like a thunderclap.
There was a confusion of bodies and swinging limbs as they both started grappling with each other and fighting. Before long, Cassian had the upper hand on Clint again and was shoving him down into the ground by his chest with one arm pulled back.
“Stop!” I screamed. “Just fucking stop!”
Clint smiled up at Cassian through bloody teeth. “Hear that? She’s telling you to get off me.”
“I’m telling you both to stop.” I tugged on Cassian, which made about as much sense as trying to pull on a semi-truck.
Cassian got off Clint and stood over him.
I reached down and helped Clint up, who grudgingly took my hand and then tried to stand possessively beside me.
I stepped away from him, putting equal distance between both guys before holding my palms up to them. “Clint, I tried to tell you as clear as I could. You’re a great guy, but I don’t have romantic feelings for you.”
“Bullshit. We made out on your couch. You damn well—”
Cassian looked like he was about to tackle Clint and start the beating all over again.
“I gave it a shot. And I was wrong. I still kept thinking about Cassian, and I realized it wasn’t fair to keep stringing you along if I had feelings for someone else. But—” I pointed at Cassian, stopping him before he could speak. “I’ve known liking you was a bad idea. I’ve tried to fight it the whole time. Some dumb part of me probably figured I could fix you. I can’t. I’m not even whole myself, okay? Some people aren’t meant to get put back together.”
“I don’t need to be fixed, Charli.” Cassian took a step toward me. “I just want you. All of you.”
“Correction,” Clint said. “You need to be fixed like a violent dog needs to be fixed. Maybe you’d be able to control—”
“Clint,” I said through grated teeth. “Listen. I’m done having this conversation, because it’s not going to go anywhere. Whatever either of you thought we had, consider it over, okay? We’re all single, and there’s nothing between us.”
“Charli,” Clint tried to grab my hands, but I stepped back. “Please.”
“Don’t be a bitch, Clint. She said she’s over you. Get in your truck and drive home.”
To his credit, even with blood dripping from his chin to his shirt, Clint walked right up to Cassian and didn’t flinch away. “I’d love to see you get what you deserve some day.”
“Yeah? Too bad my stepdad is loaded, then. People like us never get what we deserve, do we?” His eyes shifted to me, and in that moment, I saw that he wasn’t taking this all as indifferently as he was letting on.
Good.
Cassian was right, anyway. People like him got to skirt around consequences for their whole lives. I was tired of people doing shitty things and not paying for it. Tired of people who thought they could keep being assholes and expect forgiveness as soon as they got their tempers under control.
Cassian took a few steps after me once I started walking away. “At least let me give you a ride.”
“I’ll survive. It’s only a couple miles.”
I left both of them behind and had to hope Clint had the sense to get in his truck and leave. All I knew was I couldn’t stay any longer. I needed to get away from Cassian before I wound up doing something stupid, like starting to forgive him.
33
Cassian
I knocked on Charli’s door for the twentieth time and sighed, leaning my forehead against the wood.
“I can hear you breathing in there. Let me in.”
“Just leave it alone for once, Cassian.”
“No.”
The door swung open. Charli’s eyes looked red and a little swollen, but the only emotion in her expression was annoyance. “At this rate, I might as well move back in with my dad.”
“Why don’t you?”
She pulled her head back, frowning. “What?”
“Why don’t you? Why are you still here?”
“I’m not even going to justify that with a response. Besides, the last thing I need to be doing with you right now is opening up and talking about personal stuff.”
“I don’t need to be your boyfriend to talk to you. Do I?”
She hesitated. “So you’re just going to accept it, then? We’re done?”
“Why do you sound so disappointed?”
“I’m not. It’s just not exactly the reaction I would expect from you. I thought you were banging down my door because you were going to demand I change my mind.”
“I was.”
She grinned. “But now you’re not? Because?”
“Because I’ve been an asshole. I’m fully aware of that fact. Maybe it’s a fitting punishment that I should have to be a friend for a while before I can fuck you again.”
She laughed. “Unbelievable. For a few seconds there, I actually thought you were starting to show a little maturity.”
I walked into her room and sat in her desk chair, spinning it around. “Is that what you want from me, maturity?”
“What I want is to stop feeling confused all the time.”
“There’s nothing confusing about how wet you get for me.”
She shook her head. “I’m trying to be serious, Cassian. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel with you. You’re confusing. It’s like my insides are constantly getting jumbled up and switched around, and it’s exhausting.”
I narrowed my eyes. There was a comment about getting inside her on the tip of my tongue, but I decided to show a little restraint for once. “Maybe your problem is you think there’s a right way to feel. You want simple and predictable? Go find Clint. The biggest fights you’d probably have would be about the time he does your laundry and shrinks your favorite shirt.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“You broke up with him. You tell me.”
She groaned. “We were never together in the first place. And I only broke up with him because I felt like a scumbag for leading him along when I was trying to process my feelings for you.”
“Want me to make it simple for you? Clint would be easy. You didn’t feel a connection to him, and you wouldn’t feel one to other guys like him because they’d be too damn easy. They’d act how they thought you wanted them to act. They’d be like wet clay for you to mold. But that’s not what you want. Strong people—truly strong people—don’t want easy things. They want sharp edges to test themselves against.”
“Let me guess, you’re that sharp edge?”
I spread my arms and shrugged. “Sharp enough that you threw him away on the suspicion that there might be something brewing between us.”
“Well, that ship sailed. So I guess it was my mistake, huh?”
I got up. “I never understood that expression. The ship sailed, but who says you can’t hop on a fucking boat, row your ass off, and go catch it?”
She laughed through her nose. “I’d actually like to see you try that.”
“Okay. Then let’s talk like normal people instead of adversaries. Tell me why you’re still living with the enemy instead of moving back home?”
Charli shook her head, sitting down against the headboard of her bed and stretching her legs out. “No. I’m not going to do this with you. You just tried to kill Clint. Again. I bet your hands are still aching from hitting him in the face so many times. And now you want me to pretend it didn’t happen?”
“No. If we were pretending nothing happened, I’d be doing what I was waiting all day through school and practice to do.”
Her eyebrows twitched together. For the first time since I’d come in the room, she looked less strong. Less impenetrable. “And what was that?”
“Spreading you out on this bed. Tasting you again. Feeling you.” I roamed her long legs with my eyes, imagining it all over. “I was going to fuck you so hard you’d need to skip practice tomorrow. Then I was thinking I could take you in the shower and clean you off. Once we got out, I’d get you all dirty again. And, for the record, I wasn’t going to kill Clint. I just
wanted to send a message.”
Charli’s neck clicked with a loud swallow. There was a pause as she processed what I’d said, but she chose to skim past it. “A message?”
“Yeah. To tell him he needs to stop being a fucking creep.”
She looked down, laughing lightly. “It was pretty creepy."
“I thought you two were heading off together to fuck behind my back.”
“What? Seriously?”
“What was I supposed to think? I saw him talking to you after track. I saw you walk to the locker rooms together. Then you were getting in his car.”
“I was trying to make it clear to him that it was over. He obviously hadn’t gotten the memo, and I thought he would only get it through his head if you weren’t looming behind me for once.”
“Ah, right. I guess I set that plan back a little when I showed up, huh?”
“What a shocker.”
I laughed, then moved to the doorway. “Well, if your ship really has sailed, get used to seeing me rowing after it. See you soon, Charli.”
She bit back a smile, then waved as I closed the door.
34
Charli
Cassian tried to talk to me several more times over the course of the week. Each time, he attempted a different tactic. Sometimes, he’d come strong with filthy dirty promises of what he’d do if he ever “caught my ship.” I had developed a relatively convincing poker face, but my body hadn’t forgotten how good he felt. Each syllable from his mouth was like honey that made my panties damp and my heart pound. But I’d given my body a chance to call the shots. That led me to sex with Cassian and more questions than answers.
Other times, he’d bring me some sort of gift, like sweets or takeout food. He even tried cornering me in the hallways of his house a few times, pinning me to a wall with his arms on either side of me to force me to be stuck with him while he tried to talk, but through it all, I’d managed to avoid falling into his trap.
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