Because that’s what it felt like. Even after ten years away and a relatively short time back in Silver Falls, I felt like I knew him better than that. Cassian wasn’t the guy to make sweet, romantic gestures—not for the sake of romance, at least. Cassian only knew the ruthless pursuit of what he wanted and what he thought was his. He’d exhaust every tool in his box to make it a reality, and I had to keep reminding myself that all the things he was doing were just that: tools.
Behind it all, I kept circling back to the question he’d asked me in my room the night after his fight with Clint.
Why didn’t I go back to live with my dad?
There were the obvious answers: alcoholism, lack of trust, anger, resentment, and about twenty other compelling reasons. Except none of the obvious answers seemed quite right.
He’d shown me he was trying to change. He’d gotten his job back. It was the first real chance I would have in over ten years to talk to him sober—to maybe take a step toward healing the wounds he’d stopped from scabbing over for so long.
I was in the backyard of Cassian’s house with a water bottle in my hand and sweat dripping from my chin. It was getting hotter every day, and even though I was becoming more fit, I felt more exhausted than ever from my training.
I startled when footsteps crunched across the grass beside me. Looking up, I saw my dad with his hands on his pockets. “Working out now, huh?”
“Track practice.”
“Is that, uh, something that can get you into a college?”
“That’s the plan.” I tried to keep the fact that my heart was racing out of my voice. I felt mingling fear and excitement. He came. He was still trying.
“Good. Yeah. Because we both know you weren’t going to get a scholarship on academics, right?” There was a light, joking tone to his voice, but that didn’t stop it from going over about as smoothly as sandpaper.
“Do you even know me?” I asked shakily. “Do you realize I’ve kept my grades up even though I’ve spent most of my life taking care of you and the things responsible dads are supposed to? Like cleaning the house. Mowing the lawn. Calling to plead for extensions when they turn off our power for the tenth time because I need the internet to finish an assignment?”
He rubbed the back of his neck and hung his head. “Charli. I’m trying, baby.”
“Don’t ‘baby’ me.” I was standing and my hands were shaking now. “You don’t… You don’t get to be that person for me. You haven’t earned it.”
“I’m your dad.”
“We share DNA. That’s all.”
All the docile calm in his face melted into an angry mask in a moment. “Bullshit. I’m still your father, and you’re being an immature brat. You come fuck around at this mansion and think it means you can talk down to me? Is that it? You’re just chasing after the Stones and their money, aren’t you? I’m too poor for your tastes.”
Before I could respond, Cassian stepped out from the back patio. “Hi, Mr. Rhodes.”
My dad’s eyes shifted to Cassian. “This your boyfriend?”
“No,” Cassian said. “Your so-called gold-digging daughter is doing everything in her power to avoid that. Funny, isn’t it? If she really cared about our money, you’d think she would jump at the chance to date me. But she hasn’t. And that kinda makes you wonder if the answer is that she’s here because you’re a piece of shit.”
I didn’t feel like I needed someone to protect me anymore. Not from my dad, at least. But I still felt a swelling of appreciation for Cassian and the way he’d come in to stand up for me. “Dad, maybe you should just go.”
He shook his head. “Nah. I don’t think I will. Not without my daughter.”
“What do you think is going to happen if you force me to go back home with you? We’ll eat popcorn and watch movies together? Pillow fights and Christmas cards? Dad,” I softened my voice. “Someday, maybe months from now or maybe it’ll be years—I have no idea. Someday, I might be able to forgive you. But it’s not today.”
He lunged toward me and grabbed my wrist. I tried to pull back, but he didn’t let go.
The next thing I knew, Cassian’s huge body was between my dad and I. Cassian hadn’t laid a hand on my dad, but his presence seemed to say enough. My dad, who was big, but not Cassian’s size, took a cautious step backward.
“What? You going to hit an old man?” My dad laughed, looking weak and desperate in Cassian’s shadow.
“No. Your daughter doesn’t like it when I hit people for her. But I’m going to fucking stand right here between you two unless she tells me to move. And I’m not going to let you put your hands on her. So you can leave, or we can stand here all night. Your call, Mr. Rhodes.”
I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. The moment I saw Cassian get involved, I was sure I’d be trying to peel him off my dad—that he’d go berserk and punch my dad to death over this. Instead, he was showing he’d grown. At the least, he was showing he was willing to set aside his own desires and do what would make me happy.
“Dad. Just go, please. And don’t come back. When or if I’m ready, I’ll find you.”
He spat on the ground, then left.
Cassian stooped, putting his hand on my cheek softly. “You good?”
“Yeah, thanks. And… well, thanks for not trying to kill him.”
“I deserve a medal for that, by the way.”
I laughed. “For avoiding your homicidal tendencies? Hardly. But I appreciate it, either way.”
“If you want to train a dog, you’ve got to reward the behavior you want. Question is, how do you plan to reward me?”
I snorted, shaking my head. “You want me to treat you like a dog?”
Cassian flashed a smile and flicked his eyebrows up in a way that made my stomach feel like jelly. “If it means you’re interacting with me instead of dodging me? I’ll take it.”
“Then I’ll allow you to buy me a milkshake. But only as a peace offering. This doesn’t mean we’re back together, or something.”
“Agree to disagree.”
He was half jogging toward his car before I could say anything, so all I could do was follow after him, wishing I’d clarified that I wanted a shower first.
35
Cassian
To change things up, we got milk shakes from a drive thru place on the other side of town from Dead Ringers. I parked my car in a popular—but currently unoccupied—spot beneath an old school wooden bridge. We were sitting on the dirt by picturesque, round rocks as water trickled over them and insects chirped somewhere off in the darkness.
Charli took a seat just outside arm’s reach from me, as if she was worried I planned to grab her and pull her in at any second.
“I should tell you something,” I said. My heart started pounding before I’d even started talking, because I knew what I was about to say.
Charli tilted her head toward me. “Okay.”
“The fire. I never told you the whole story. When I woke up and smelled smoke, I ran over right away. I was able to get in the front door fine, but once I was inside, the whole house felt like an oven. Everything in my body was telling me to get the hell out of there, but I yelled out your name. I heard voices upstairs, so I went. My dad was slumped against a wall, coughing and looking sleepy. He didn’t have any of his firefighter gear on—just a white undershirt and his boxers. It looked like he’d just stumbled out of bed and decided to take a nap in the hall or something. Except there was fire everywhere. It was seeping out from under the door down the hall and starting to creep along the ceiling. The house was melting down in little wet drips of shit that sizzled and lit the carpet on fire. It was a fucking nightmare.
“So I grabbed his arm and tried to lift him up, but he pushed me off. He told me to get you. Said you were in the other room. I fought with him for a few seconds, but he actually hit me. He slapped me across the face and told me if I was ever going to listen to him—listen now. He said to save you, or he’d never forgive me.”
I took a breath, I had to stop, because my throat was starting to feel thick and my eyes were prickling. I hadn’t talked about that conversation to anyone. I’d hardly let myself think about it and saying the words out loud was bringing back the images in a rush of unwelcome emotion. His face—already stained black by the smoke. His eyes—tired and exhausted. And worst, I could feel the helplessness of trying to get him to stand, of not being strong enough.
I wasn’t strong enough to save all of them, so I’d made sure I was always strong enough after that, hadn’t I? I was the strongest motherfucker I knew, and what good had that done me?
Charli had scooted closer and put her hand on mine. “It’s okay. You don’t have to—”
“No,” I said. “So I left my dad there. I found you passed out on the floor in your mom’s room. Everything was on fire. I don’t even know how I was still standing at that point because the smoke was so thick. But your mom’s window was open, which is probably why I managed. I put you over my shoulder and went downstairs. I looked back at my dad, and…” I scrunched up my face. I couldn’t manage to form the words. I had to swallow hard when I remembered what I’d seen—the way the fire had…
Fuck.
Charli gave my hand another squeeze.
“So,” I continued. “I was almost out the front door and I heard something giving out in the ceiling. I just threw you as far as I could. Probably gave you a hell of a bruising but a bunch of flaming wood fell on me right after that. Only reason I got out of it was because I was planning to try to go back for your mom. But the stairs were gone by the time I got up. Everything was gone.”
“I’m so sorry, Cassian. I—”
“No. I let myself blame you because it was easier than the alternative. But I’ve seen who you are. There was no way for me to save my dad. I realize that, now. He’d have done the same thing a hundred times, even if he knew how it played out. And I finally don’t blame him.”
“Why?” Charli’s eyes looked watery, but she was holding back the tears.
“Because I’ve seen who you became. Strong as hell. You stand up for yourself, even when a dick like me tries to put you down. You were worth saving, Charli. You were worth everything.”
She let out a shaky breath, then the tears started to fall as she buried her head in my chest and let me hold her. I squeezed her to myself tight, looking out over the water.
I’d thought forgiving Charli would feel like betraying my dad. Instead, it felt like I finally understood him. I felt more whole than I had since the fire, and all it made me want to do was hold her tighter.
I squeezed her into my chest. “Has the ship still sailed?”
Charli sniffled. “The ship is starting to wonder if letting the determined little rowboat catch up would be the worst thing in the world.”
36
Charli
I was in chemistry class when movement at the little window in the door caught my eye. Zoe was there and gesturing for me to come out into the hallway.
I glanced at the board, knowing it was less than ideal for me to step out in the middle of one of my worst subjects, but I raised my hand and asked if I could use the restroom.
“Is everything okay?” I asked once I was outside the room.
Zoe, who normally looked calm and collected at all times, seemed different. She pursed her lips, then shook her head. “It’s Clint. He told me what happened with Cassian.”
“Yeah. It was messy. But I wanted to make sure Clint knew everything. You were right.”
“There’s something else.”
“Okay?”
Zoe took a deep breath, then chewed the corner of her lip. “I think Clint and I like eachother.”
My eyes widened. “You… And Clint?”
“I know. I know, and I’m so sorry if this is tacky. You guys just broke things off and—”
“Hey,” I said, laughing. “If you two like each other, that’s amazing. Okay? But I appreciate you telling me.”
She let out a sigh of relief, then squeezed me in a too-tight hug before leaving. It was only after she left that my mind played a cruel game of connect the dots.
I’d already pretty much known Zoe liked Clint, but I didn’t realize he liked her. Somehow, that made it feel more real. It also made me more certain that she would think I was the worst friend in the world if I ever forgave Cassian. I mean, he’d basically used Clint as a punching bag on multiple occasions, not to mention the other hundreds of horrible things he’d done.
I thumped my forehead into the wall. That was it, wasn’t it? If I chose to forgive Cassian, I’d be pushing Zoe away. If I chose to keep Zoe as my friend, I’d have to push Cassian away for good. I couldn’t even go to Zoe for advice on what to do, which left me with Marne.
I caught up with her during lunch. She was sitting at our usual spot outside. I half expected Cassian to come find me and drag me back inside like he had last time we’d come close to being official, but he didn’t. After our conversation by the river, I wasn’t sure what to think.
Marne frowned. “Where’s Zoe? And where’s your lunch? You do realize food isn’t supposed to be optional. Not with our biology, at least. Take a bear about to go into hibernation, on the other hand—”
“No bears today, sorry, Marne. I was hoping to get your advice on something.”
She shrugged. “If it’s about disposing of bodies without getting caught, I can help you. But it’s important that you know all the knowledge I have on the topic comes from TV shows and books. And a little extracurricular research I did online to fact check.”
“Uh, no. It’s about Zoe. And Cassian. And Clint, too, I guess.”
“Ew. A foursome?”
I sighed. “Forget it. I’ll figure it out myself.”
Marne held up her palms. “Okay, okay. I was kidding. What’s the problem?”
What wasn’t the problem? “Cassian has been a dick to me all this time because he blamed me for something. But now he doesn’t, and he’s starting to treat me better. So all the conflicts I had about feeling something for him are seeming like they aren’t as relevant.”
“Okay. So you like him now and the obstacles are out of the way. So where’s the wrinkle?”
“Clint was a wrinkle, but I finally got through to him. Now it’s Zoe. I think she’s going to hate me if I get back with Cassian, and I don’t know what to do.”
“I see. The old ultimatum. Do you choose sausage or a taco?” Marne frowned at her phone. “It’s Tuesday, and you know what that means.”
“What?”
“Taco Tuesday?”
I groaned. “I don’t want to lose my friend. But I think there’s something special between Cassian and me. I don’t want to lose that, either.”
“So you think he’s done enough to earn your forgiveness? Wasn’t this the same guy who bullied you when you first got here?”
“Yeah. But I understand where his head was, even if I don’t agree with the way he chose to cope with his feelings.”
“Well, there are a few ways to look at it as far as I see things. Logically speaking, a compatible romantic partner is harder to find than a compatible friend. There’s a bigger checklist of things that need to go right for two people of the opposite gender to enter into a relationship.”
I sighed. I wasn’t exactly sure what kind of advice I expected Marne to give me. “I don’t want to have to choose. Why can’t I just make Zoe understand that Cassian deserves a second chance?”
“Wouldn’t this be more like a fifth chance?”
I snorted. “I haven’t been keeping count. But that’s a fair point.”
“Maybe give him a chance to prove he’s really changing. Let him show you—and her—that he deserves this. Also, have you considered that you’re reading the situation wrong? Zoe is probably the nicest person I’ve ever met. I mean, she’s friends with me, for starters. Maybe she wouldn’t even care?”
“I don’t know how she couldn’t.”
Marne shrugged. “Well. People can surprise you. So maybe let Cassian try to surprise you by showing he deserves it, then worry about Zoe.”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “That actually makes sense.”
“‘Actually?’ You say that like you didn’t expect me to make sense.”
“I expected bear and wolf analogies. Maybe a helpful life tip about which wild berries are edible and which aren’t. The bar was low, Marne.”
She took a bite of some dark, mysterious dried meat wrapped in cellophane. “Safer not to eat wild berries, period. You’ll end up shitting out all your water and burn through energy faster than if you hadn’t eaten in the first place.”
“Noted. Thanks for the advice. I guess now it’s up to me to hope Cassian somehow proves he’s really worthy of forgiveness.”
Except there was one problem I wasn’t ready to admit. I’d already forgiven him. In fact, I think I was realizing that I’d never completely blamed him for anything he’d done. He was still the boy I knew ten years ago, at least once I got past the thorns.
Cassian had also become tied up with the tragedy of the fire. I couldn’t bring my mom back. I couldn’t erase the scars of seeing what my dad had become. But Cassian was the one angle of the fire I could fix. We’d both left that house missing pieces of ourselves, and maybe I couldn’t stop coming back to him because we’d been uniquely broken—broken in a way that only we could understand and hope to mend.
* * *
Splashing sounds outside my window woke me up. I went to the window and looked out over the sprawling lawn behind the Stone’s house. Moonlight hit the lake like a spotlight, making it clear to see that someone was swimming. I strained my eyes long enough to be almost certain it was Cassian.
I threw on a jacket and headed outside to stand by the shoreline and watch. He left a small wake behind him as he stroked out to the island I’d swam to on that night I came to his party with Zoe. I couldn’t help remembering how wrong I’d been while I swam.
Savage Love Page 16
