I could still feel the way my belly had dropped to the floor when I realized it was a prank.
A few minutes later, Cassian reached the shore again and got out of the water. I blinked a few times at the sight of him in nothing but soaked gray underwear that clung to him. He looked so picturesque with rivulets of water streaming down his muscle-clad frame and moonlight haloing him that I almost laughed.
Cassian was larger than life. He was impossible in so many ways. Impossibly gorgeous, obstinate, and relentless.
“Is this supposed to mean something to me?” I asked. Even though I already knew what it was supposed to mean and how well it was working, I still wanted him to have to say it out loud.
He scooped water from his face and slicked his hair back with both hands. “Just trying to get some perspective.”
“On how much of an ass you were?”
Cassian sat down on the grass and patted the ground beside him. “I’m not great at apologizing. Still trying to figure it out, actually.”
I tucked my knees up to my chest, hugging them while I grinned. “Is that what this stunt was? An apology? Because it’s a bit of a weird one. And if you’re trying to put yourself through what I went through, you need a crowd of people to witness it. Also, can you make the water twenty degrees colder, too?”
He chuckled. “Like I said. I’m not great at this. But something I am good at is getting what I want.” He turned his head, meeting my eyes. “Doing whatever it takes to make it happen. No matter how long it takes. No matter how hard it is.”
“I can’t, Cassian. Zoe is really into Clint, and I’m pretty sure if I ever forgive you, she’s going to hate me.”
“You’d be an idiot to choose the guy who made your life hell over the first person to be your friend when you moved here.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Yeah. I would.”
“So why are you still having trouble making up your mind?”
I yanked up a few pieces of grass and then let them fall from my fingers, watching as the breeze carried them into the lake. “Because being with you feels right, even when it feels wrong. And yes, I know that sounds stupid.”
“Nah. I know exactly what you mean. It’s why you’ve gotten me into so much trouble.”
I laughed. “I’ve gotten you into trouble?”
He shrugged. “I’ve been shit on the football field ever since you started wearing those tight little shorts and prancing around our practices. And I could’ve fucked Sophie about a hundred times when she attached herself to me. But once you came back, I only wanted you. You got into my fucking head, Charli. You drove me crazy, and you’re still driving me crazy. I want…” Cassian laughed softly to himself, shaking his head. “I want to know you’re mine, and it feels like everything else I cared about stopped mattering as soon as I realized it.”
“What about the fire? You really forgive me for it?”
“I was an idiot to ever blame you. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I get why a young kid would blame whoever he could for something like that. But I was an idiot to hold onto it for so long. For being too weak to let go of the idea it was your fault, because that would’ve meant having to cope. What about you? What’s it going to take for you to forgive me for how I acted?”
“Oh,” I said with a slightly playful edge to my voice. “That’s going to be tough. It’s going to take a lot of groveling and begging. Maybe some foot rubs—because you know all the track practice makes them ache like crazy.”
I’d been joking, but Cassian had my foot in his lap so fast that I couldn’t even react. He dug his fingers into the arch of my bare foot, massaging.
I cleared my throat. “The foot massage part was a joke. But that does feel good.”
“You can’t joke about letting me get my hands on you, Charli. I’ve barely thought about anything else.” His grip got tighter and his other hand moved up my ankle. My foot was resting on his inner thigh, and I felt a growing hardness there.
My breath caught, and I knew I should pull my foot away, but I couldn’t make myself. “I’ve thought about that day a couple times, too.”
His hand moved up my leg more and I had to plant my hands behind myself, leaning back to avoid losing my balance. I licked my lips. “I don’t know if we should. Zoe—”
“I’ll be your dirty secret, then. Nobody has to know.”
My eyes closed and I tipped my head back. His hands felt so good. I caught myself moving my foot slightly to better feel his length against his leg, which was as hard as a rock now. “She’d never forgive me if she found out. And hiding something from her would feel so wrong.”
“Funny how that works. Isn’t it?”
“What?” I cleared my throat again, feeling awkward. Why was I whispering?
“Doing the wrong things always feels so damn good.” He moved toward me, planting his hands on either side and half-crawling on top of me.
I leaned my head back, which only made me unintentionally lay back in the grass. Cassian was above me, water from the lake still dripping from his chin to the crook in my neck.
“Zoe can’t find out. She’s the first real friend I’ve had in a long time. If she walked away, I’d…”
“She won’t.” Cassian kissed my neck, drawing a gasp from me. “This is just for us.” His knee moved between my legs, reminding me that I’d only put on a long t-shirt over the panties I’d been sleeping in.
I writhed against Cassian. My hands dug into his broad back, soaking up his heat. “You make me feel so weak.”
“It’s not weakness. Letting me in is the harder path.”
I closed my eyes, letting his kisses dull my thoughts. He was right, in a way. It’d be easier to tell Zoe I was done with him and play keep away until I graduated. I’d still have my friend, and a good friend was for life. A good high school boyfriend, on the other hand, was far less likely to last long. And Cassian was about as far from the mold of a good boyfriend as you could get.
“I don’t want to regret this, Cassian.”
He took my chin in his hands and kissed my mouth. “The only thing worth regretting are the chances you don’t take.”
I let him take me there by the water. I gasped out into the darkness as he put himself inside me, even though I knew he wasn’t wearing protection. I dumbly trusted him to pull out, and that any number of things wouldn’t go wrong from being so careless.
But that was how I felt. I felt reckless. I felt like letting go.
Like I was in free fall and the ground was rushing up to meet me any moment.
Except there was a thrill in the fall, wasn’t there? It was better than being in a cage. Better than being pointed at and blamed. Better than being held hostage by unrealistic demands.
Falling was my escape, and Cassian was right there with me, holding on tight.
I flipped him over in the grass and rode on top of him, grinding my hips shamelessly until I got as much of him inside me as I could. I was so wet it was embarrassing, but he was breathing too hard and gripping me too firm for me to think we weren’t on the same page.
It wasn’t careful sex or thoughtful sex. Neither of us were playing a role to satisfy the other.
We were both wild and selfish. Grinding and gripping each other’s bodies in a hungry swirl of lust. My knees were raw from rubbing against the grass by the time he pulled himself out of me and turned me around on my knees, taking me from behind.
He groaned with pleasure, squeezing my hips and pounding himself into me again and again, driving my own ecstasy to new heights.
By the time he finally pulled himself out and I felt the warmth of his release on my lower back, I was exhausted. We both flopped to the ground and he let me lay on his chest. Distantly, I hoped neither of his parents happened to glance out the window and see our discarded clothes and naked bodies in the moonlight. I’d forgotten they had come back from their vacation until that moment, but I was too tired to care.
I ran my fingertip down his chest, just in front o
f where my head was nuzzled. “If you break my heart, I’ll never forgive you.”
“Know what’s different about you? I think you would. And that’s exactly why I’m never going to.”
I frowned, watching the silvery light dance on the water while I let his words marinate. In the end, I just hoped I wouldn’t need to find out.
37
Cassian
School was interesting. I’d pass Charli in the hall while she walked with Zoe and have to pretend I didn’t want to slam her against the lockers and take her mouth with mine. Even though I wanted the whole fucking school to know she was all mine, I had to wait. Charli was still trying to figure out how to break the news to Zoe, and my job was to give her time to find the right way. Meanwhile, I had to act like I wasn’t starting to lose my mind for her.
But I did what it took, because I meant what I’d said.
When Charli came back to Silver Falls, all I wanted was revenge. I wanted to lay her heart out on the table and dissect it, piece by piece. I wanted to pull every little string there was to pull until I’d dismantled her from the inside out.
I wanted to ruin her so thoroughly she could never be put back together.
Now I saw the truth. I was only directing the anger I felt at myself on her. It was displacement at its finest, and once my head was out of my ass, I saw that.
She was the girl I’d lost hours with playing in the forest as a kid. The one I’d both kicked ass for and gotten my ass kicked for. She had been my everything before I was awake enough to realize it.
So if I had to play along for the rest of the school year, so be it. I’d steal kisses from her in all the dark corners of the world for years if that was what it took to have her.
I met up with Tristan on the football field after school. We didn’t have practice, but playoffs had already started and we both wanted to get some extra reps in before our next game. We idly tossed the ball back and forth to warm up. Of the few people in the world I could call a friend, my relationship with Tristan was probably the most complicated.
More often than not, I’d seen him as an enemy. But that was also why I respected him the most.
“What are you and Kennedy going to do about college?” I snatched his pass out of the air and then tossed it back to him.
“Not sure.”
“Bullshit.”
Tristan grinned, then launched a ball at me with enough zip to bruise my palms. “If you think you still have a chance with her—”
I laughed. “I never really wanted her. You realize that, right?”
“Considered it.”
“I wanted to fuck with you, and she was your weakest link.”
“So you’re saying if I want to get into your head, I should start acting like I want to get in Charli’s pants?”
I threw the ball back harder, making Tristan sidestep to avoid taking it in the face. He smirked. “Did I strike a nerve?”
“Nothing is going on between us.”
“Bullshit.”
Now it was my turn to grin. “Know what? I actually have somewhere to be. Maybe Logan can run those plays with you.”
“Sure. If you don’t want to get as many carries.”
“Getting a scholarship for football isn’t the reason I exist.”
“No shit. But what is? What gets you out of bed in the morning, anyway? Just the pure joy of being a stain on the world?”
I chuckled. It was a good question. A few weeks ago, I would’ve said revenge. I’d woken with a burning pit in my stomach for as long as I could remember. An unquenchable need to strike back. Like I’d taken so many hits that I could swing and keep swinging but never quite settle the score.
Now…
Now everything felt different, and I couldn’t even say why or how.
Charli didn’t have track practice today, so chances were, she’d be at home already. I headed to my car and found Sophie waiting there.
I wanted to groan in frustration, but I decided being civil would get her out of my hair faster than being an asshole. “Hey, Sophie.” I rattled my keys and reached for my car door, but she put her hand on my wrist.
“Cassian. Talk to me.”
I took a breath, half turning toward her but still keeping my hand where it was. “I already did.”
“And now I heard you and Charli broke things off. She was your excuse before, but what is it now? If you don’t like me, can you just admit it to my face? Stop pretending it’s that you have feelings for some other girl?”
“Who says we broke things off?”
She gestured vaguely to the school. “Everyone? One minute, you were parading her around. Now people see you two practically avoiding each other. It’s high school. People figure this stuff out.”
I gritted my teeth. The simplest answer would be to tell Sophie I was still with Charli. Then again, that would get back to Zoe and I’d be responsible for screwing up her friendship.
“We tried it, Sophie. I’ve dated dozens of girls at our school and none of them have ever lasted. Why does it surprise you that you weren’t any different?”
Her face hardened. “So that’s it, then?”
I spread my hands in exasperation. “What the fuck is it with people around here not getting the message? Yeah, that’s it. I broke up with you. Charli broke up with Clint. Do you think this is some kind of movie? Where being blindly persistent and never giving up wins out in the end? It’s not. It’s just fucking annoying. Move on, Sophie.”
I inwardly cringed. Normally, cruelty came naturally to me. This time, it felt manufactured. My newfound capacity for empathy was just one more thing I could blame Charli for, I decided.
Sophie did an about-face, storming off toward the school.
I felt guilty, maybe for the first time in a long time. I watched her go, realizing she wasn’t unique. She was just one of the many girls I’d let into my life, only to spit them back out when I had my fill.
A feeling in my gut told me I hadn’t seen the last attempt Sophie would make at reconciling things between us. There had been murder in her eyes before she left, and I could only wonder what she thought she might do to get back at me.
I shook my head, getting in my car. All I could do was focus on the now. On Charli. On getting things right with her.
I didn’t want her to be the next one to turn her back on me and leave with fresh scars. For once, I wanted it to last. I needed it to mean something.
38
Charli
Clint joined Zoe and I at Dead Ringers. I prepared myself for the inevitable speech convincing him it was over, but he sat next to Zoe and put his arm around her.
I looked between them, raising an eyebrow. “Is this what it looks like?”
Zoe blushed and chewed on her lower lip. It was cute seeing her look bashful. After getting my footing in Silver Falls, I’d come to see Zoe the way most of Parker High saw her: as some kind of athletic phenom. She was unstoppable in any physical event she participated in, and she had a work ethic that made me feel like a lazy slob, even though I showed up to every practice and put in extra hours at home.
I admired her, and I was happy to see her happy.
Clint winced a little. “Sorry. Is this weird?”
“No.” I gave a firm shake of my head. “It’s good. Really good. And Zoe warned me that you two were getting gooey eyed for eachother, so I figured it was coming.”
Zoe let out a breath. “You’re sure? Because we were worried it might have been too soon. Or—”
“No, but if you guys keep talking about it, it might get weird.”
They laughed, and within moments, we were all talking like we’d just stepped into a time machine and gone back to that night before Cassian tried to strangle Clint in front of everyone. Except in this version, Clint was flirting with Zoe and trying to feed her fries.
I checked my texts and saw a message from Cassian.
Cassian: Meet me at the football field in fifteen minutes. Don’t make me wait.
/> I sent him an eye roll emoji, but still made an excuse to Zoe and Clint before slipping out and walking toward the school. It was late evening, and I wasn’t sure what he was planning, but my heart tried to beat out of my chest every time I thought about being near him.
It still wasn’t perfect between us. Far from it, in fact. But I was starting to realize a relationship didn’t have to be perfect. Maybe it shouldn’t be.
People thrive when they struggle. It’s the only way we really learn who we are and what we’re capable of. A relationship with no struggle and strife would be like a game with no challenge. There’d be no purpose. No room for growth.
Maybe there was a message I didn’t want to hear buried in that idea—a message about how I should accept the challenge of finding my way to forgiving my dad.
Cassian was leaning on the fence overlooking the football field when I arrived. He had on his letterman jacket and looked like something straight out of a dream. The lights were on, glaring behind his head and making his eyes twinkle.
“What?” I asked. “Why are you smiling at me like that?”
“Because our next game is at home. I think I’d play better if I knew I had you in both endzones. It’d give me a pleasant memory to run towards.”
I snorted, then paused. “Wait. You’re serious?”
“You think I figured out how to turn these lights on for a joke?”
“No way. Schools have maintenance staff. Janitors. Administrative people who come in randomly to check on things. If any of them see the lights on, they’ll come straight here.”
“I took care of that. I know the guy who cleans up at night. I told him the toilet in the freshman building was leaking about five minutes ago. In fact, all six of them are thoroughly clogged to fuck with paper towels. He’ll be in there at least an hour.”
I stared. “What if someone else comes?”
“Then we’ll run for the trees before they see our faces. Any other questions?”
Savage Love Page 17
