by Ivy Smoak
“A bilateral oophorectomy.”
“Yeah. That.”
“Well, I can’t be certain that’s what it was. It’s highly uncommon with someone your age that doesn’t have any other health issues to need such a surgery. And you’ve said you’ve never been pregnant or have had any type of cancer?”
“No, I haven’t.”
He frowned. “Are you certain you’ve never been pregnant? The stretch marks on your stomach would usually indicate that you…”
“Are you calling me fat?”
“No, ma’am. Not at all. You’re quite thin. I’m merely suggesting that you may not have even realized you were pregnant. That’s not unheard of, especially for someone’s first pregnancy when it’s not planned.”
I was pregnant? No, that’s impossible. I’d know. I’d feel different. “I’d think I’d know if I had a kid. Wouldn’t I be…leaking?” I gestured to my breasts. Milk wasn’t spilling out of them. Clearly I didn’t have a baby to breastfeed.
“It’s likely that you had a miscarriage then. It’s my best guess for why you’d have a bilateral oophorectomy, especially since you have no familial medical history of ovarian cancer.”
“Okay.” Okay? Nothing about this conversation was okay. “But what does that mean? What does the surgery involve? Are there any complications that I should be looking out for? Is there anything I can’t do now?” I felt fine. I really did. I was already pulling my shirt down, ready to get as far away as possible from this doctor. I didn’t even believe him. There was no way I’d had a miscarriage. But maybe that would explain the grief in James’ eyes. It would explain why he was so broken.
“The surgery entails the removal of both your ovaries.”
“Okay.” Why did I keep saying okay, damn it? I swallowed hard. “What does that mean?” But I knew what ovaries were for. At least, what I had learned in health class in high school. Ovaries made eggs. They controlled hormones. They were really important. Why had they removed both of mine? Why not one? I started blinking fast. “That’s okay, right? I can take medicine to control my hormones?” God, maybe this was why I kept crying.
“Of course. Your lifestyle won’t change at all after you’ve healed a few more weeks. It’s very manageable. But…” his voice trailed off. There was kindness in his eyes as his face morphed into a look of pure sympathy.
“What?” my voice came out as a whisper. I knew it was bad. I knew it, but I needed him to say it.
“It also means that you won’t be able to have any children, Gwendolyn. I’m so sorry.”
There was a lump in my throat that wouldn’t seem to go away. I blinked fast, willing my tears not to spill. There was never a time in my life when I hadn’t thought I’d be a mother one day. Not now. Of course not now. But one day. I played with dolls way longer than my other friends growing up. I loved the idea of kids and babies, even though I hadn’t spent much time with them. No time, really. But I wanted them. Desperately. I knew it, because now that I had been told I couldn’t, I felt like I was breaking.
“I know this is hard to hear. Especially if you just suffered through a miscarriage. I have a counselor I can recommend you to see. It’s good to have someone to talk to as you digest this information.”
“That’s okay.” I slid off the exam table.
“Ms. Alabaster, do you have someone you can talk to?”
I flinched at my fake name. “Of course.” But I didn’t even believe the words out of my mouth. I didn’t expect him to believe me either.
“Your boyfriend perhaps? The man waiting for you in the living room?”
“Yeah.”
“If I was the father, I’d want to know.” He gave me a kind smile.
Did James know? I bit the inside of my lip. Was he even the father? He said I wasn’t happy. What if I had cheated on him? There were too many what ifs. And really, none of the questions running through my head mattered. The baby had died. And the one thing I wanted in life had just been stripped from me. I’d never have children. Ever. “I have to go.” I fled the exam room without waiting to see if he had any more to say.
“Everything good?” Brendan asked as he set down the magazine he’d been flipping through.
“Peachy.” Again, I didn’t believe my own words. I didn’t know how to numb the pain I was feeling. Leaving wouldn’t help. Moving to California wouldn’t erase my medical history no matter how sunny it was. Drowning my sorrows in booze for one night wouldn’t help either. But it would certainly make me feel better right now. “I need a drink.”
He frowned as he stood up. “Was it bad news?”
Everything I learned about my current life was bad news. One thing after the next. I took a deep breath. But Brendan wasn’t the person who I could open up to. It should be James. He was the one that cared about me. Did he know all of this already?
James was handsome. And rich. And super successful. I was so much younger than him. A classic trophy wife. If he knew I couldn’t have children, he wouldn’t have been trying so hard for me to remember our lives together. He’d be trading me in for a younger model. That’s what people like him did.
“Do you have James’ number?” I asked, ignoring his question.
“Yeah. Have you changed your mind about calling him?”
“I thought about what you said, and you’re right, I do need to let him know that I’m safe. But I want to call him from a payphone. And I want to be a few drinks in when I do it. Let’s go to Kildare's.”
“Kildare's closed a few years ago.”
“What do you mean Kildare's closed? It was the best! What the hell happened to this campus? It’s gone to shitsville. None of the changes they’ve been making are necessary.”
He laughed. “I know. But the university doesn’t have control over which establishments stay on Main Street. And there are plenty of other bars we could go to.”
“Let’s do Grottos then. And don’t you dare tell me Grottos closed too. I’ll lose it.”
“It’s still open. But we could go somewhere a little fancier if you want. Iron Hill maybe?”
“But I love Grottos. They have the absolute best pizza. And what’s better than pizza when you’ve been drinking?”
He smiled. “Grottos it is then.”
Chapter 19
Saturday
I was wrong before. Drinking away your sorrows worked wonders. Not one thought of unborn babies entered my mind. Nor did the prospect of never having children. I just felt good. So good.
“My arms are so heavy,” I said with a laugh. “Do your arms get super heavy when you drink too? I think all the liquid must go straight to my biceps.” I turned my arm to examine my muscle and accidentally poured some of my drink on the table. I stifled a laugh. “Party foul!”
“You’ve had way too much to drink.” Brendan grabbed my glass away from me.
“No I haven’t. We only just got here.”
“We’ve been here for over an hour. And by the way, you promised you’d call James.”
“But I don’t have his number.”
He tapped the napkin in front of me. “I wrote it down for you as soon as we got here. Remember?”
“Huh. No.” I lifted it up and examined it. “I don’t remember and I also don’t like numbers that start with anything other than a 302 area code. I’m not calling this stupid New York City number.”
“Penny, you pinky promised.”
“I did?”
“You did. Twice.”
“I think two promises cancel each other out. It’s a fact. It’s not my fault you don’t understand the rules.”
“No way.” He handed me his phone. “Call him. Before I do.”
“He’ll know I borrowed your phone. He’ll recognize your number. I need to use a payphone.”
“There are no pay phones anymore. At least, not that I know of.”
“There used to be one here…” I looked over my shoulder. Hadn’t there been? It was one of maybe three on campus. Where are you, elu
sive payphone?
“Penny, that was a long time ago.”
I sighed. “Well I can’t call him on your phone. I revoke my offer to call him. No deal.”
“I’ll be right back. Don’t move, okay?”
I didn’t agree, but I didn’t plan on moving anyway. As soon as he left, I pulled my drink back to my side of the table. It turned out that Brendan was a little bossy too, just like James. James, James, James. Why did I keep thinking about him? I leaned down to put my straw in my mouth, but missed completely. The straw hit my cheek. Ow. I laughed and tried again.
Did James and I ever come here? We must have. I loved Grottos. Still did. Always would. It was the best pizza on the planet, and no one could tell me any differently. I grabbed another slice and took a huge bite. Cheesy, delicious perfection. I sighed.
“Here,” Brendan said and tossed a cell phone down on the table in front of me. “Now you can make that call you promised you’d make.”
“Whose phone is that?”
“I borrowed it from the bartender.”
That was a good idea, why hadn’t I thought of that? “Okay. I’ll call him. Why was I calling him again? I don’t want to talk to him.”
“At least let him know that you’re safe, alright?”
“I can do that. But I’m not leaving.”
“You can stay as long as you want.”
I smiled as I lifted up the phone. It finally felt like I had someone in my life I could trust. Someone I felt like myself around. I bit the inside of my lip. That wasn’t true. Rob had been so nice. I had truly felt comfortable around him. And James. I was starting to get used to him. As a friend. Not whatever we were supposed to be. And as a friend, he deserved to know that I wasn’t dead in a ditch. I punched in the number Brendan had written on the napkin and put the cell phone to my ear.
“Hello?” James answered after one ring. He sounded out of breath, like he was running.
What was he doing? “I’m safe. I just wanted you to know that.”
“Penny?”
“Yeah…”
“Where are you?” There was a dinging sound on his end, like he had just walked into a convenience store. The same noise sounded just a few seconds after the first one.
“I was just calling to let you know that I’m okay and you don’t have to worry.” But I wasn’t okay. Even with alcohol coursing through my bloodstream, I still felt empty. I had felt that way ever since I left the doctor’s office. Or maybe I had felt that way ever since I left New York. Which made zero sense.
“Penny, I’ve spent almost 24 hours thinking you were dead. So don’t fucking tell me not to worry.”
I winced at his words. “I left you a note to explain…”
“You didn’t explain anything.” He exhaled loudly. “You promised you’d hear me out. I was going to tell you everything last night. Just…tell me where you are so I can bring you home.”
I shook my head, but then realized he couldn’t see me. “I’m not coming back with you.”
“Penny, where are you?”
“My favorite restaurant.” I had a feeling he had no idea what that was. So I was safe.
“You’re in Philly? Fuck,” he mumbled. “I thought that La Patisserie closed at like 3 or something?” There was a muffled noise and his voice sounded far away. “Ian, get the car.”
I guess he knew me better than I thought. Better than I knew myself. La Patisserie was my favorite restaurant. “No, I meant my other favorite restaurant.”
“In Wilmington or Newark?”
My heart started racing. There were Grottos in Wilmington and Newark. But there were also some in Rehoboth. Maybe he didn’t know I was referring to Grottos. “James, it doesn’t matter. Brendan made me call you to let you know I’m safe. Now I have. Please just move on with your life.”
“You’re with Brendan?”
Shit! Was he psychic? “How did you know who I was with?”
“You just told me. Penny, are you drunk?”
Oh God. I ended the call and threw the phone at Brendan. “He somehow knew I was with you. It’s like he can read my freaking mind.”
“I heard you tell him you were with me.” Brendan’s phone started ringing. “He’s going to kill me for not calling him sooner.” He went to answer it but I slapped it out of his hand.
“Penny, I’m not going to avoid his calls.” His phone started ringing again.
“Don’t you dare answer it.”
“I have to. I can’t just ignore him.”
“Fine, answer it, traitor. But we need to get out of here, I’m pretty sure he knows where we are.” I tried to gracefully slide out of the booth, but I ended up toppling out of it. The floor looked like it was moving. Maybe Brendan was right about me drinking too much.
“Whoa, are you okay?” Brendan put his hands on my waist to steady me. “Take it easy.”
I placed my hand down on the table so I could support myself. I hoped I wasn’t about to be sick. My stomach felt like it was spinning as much as the floor.
“Are you alright?” Brendan asked.
I shook my head.
“Penny!” someone yelled.
It was like I could still hear James’ voice in my head. Why couldn’t I stop thinking about him? First the dream, now this? I needed to forget about him like I was asking him to forget about me.
“Penny!” someone yelled again.
Brendan removed his hands from my hips and I almost fell over.
I smelled James before I saw him. The comforting smell of his cologne washed over me. And then his strong arms wrapped around me, cocooning me in warmth. And I didn’t know why, but it felt like I was finally home. The thought made tears prick the corners of my eyes.
“Baby.” His breath tickled my skin as he nuzzled his face into the side of my neck. “I thought I lost you.” The tip of his nose grazed my skin. “I thought I lost you,” he said again. And then his lips grazed my skin, setting my body on fire. His fingers pressed into the small of my back, drawing me even closer to him. It was like I was living my dream. He breathed me in like I was the only sustenance he needed.
It felt wonderful. And perfect. And wrong. So so wrong. His distress wasn’t for me. His kisses weren’t for me. His touch wasn’t for me. My stomach rolled. “James.” I hated that my voice came out airy and needy.
He held me even tighter, which was comforting, but at the same time it squeezed my stomach.
I pulled away from him just as everything I had eaten decided to make a reappearance. All over his shoes. God.
I had the faintest recollection that he was wearing a pair of sneakers instead of dress shoes. He was also wearing jeans and a zip-up hoodie. It was like he had transformed into the non-serious man of my dreams. And he didn’t even flinch when I vomited all over his shoes. He just rubbed his hand on my back.
“It’s okay, Penny. I’m here. I’m here now and everything’s going to be okay.”
I believed him. Or at least, I wanted to believe him. But my stomach didn’t. I hunched over and threw up again until my stomach was as empty as my heart. He wouldn’t be looking at me the same way once I told him I couldn’t have children. Those words would erase everything we ever had. It was an easy out. But I wanted him to hold me just a little longer. I wanted him to kiss the side of my neck again. I wanted him to breathe me in like I was the air that filled his lungs. Just one last time so I could ingrain it in my memory. Being loved seemed like a wonderful thing. Maybe one day I’d find out what loving someone felt like.
Chapter 20
Sunday
"You said you were tired of hearing everyone talking about the same people in their lives. You said to think outside the box. That's what I did. This," I held the paper up again, "is bullshit, Professor Hunter."
"Please take a seat," he replied calmly.
I ignored him and walked behind his desk so that I was right next to him. I picked up the paper and quoted him: "You failed to harness your audiences' attention. I wa
s one of the last people to go, and I still made them laugh!"
"Penny..."
"It was unclear what your point was," I quoted him again. "My point was that I choose who gets a chance at inspiring me. I said that several times, Professor Hunter. Maybe you weren't listening."
"Penny..."
"And this C- used to be an A. I can see it through the whiteout. You changed my grade. You changed it because you overheard Tyler say that the speech was about him. Well it wasn't about him. It was about you." I poked him hard in the middle of his chest. "I don't know why I ever let you kiss me. Is this a game to you, Professor Hunter?"
He drew closer to me. He looked so angry. "Penny, I'm fully aware that this isn't a game. This is my career that we're talking about."
"And this is my G.P.A." I crinkled the paper in my fist and threw it on the ground. My heart was beating fast. He was glaring down at me from under his thick eyebrows. The hunger in his eyes was a temptation I could no longer resist. I had been lying to myself this whole time. I wasn't a good girl. I was bad. And boldness suddenly came easily to me.
I reached up behind his neck and pulled his head down. Without hesitation, he tilted his head the rest of the way down and kissed me deeply. When our lips touched my whole body tingled. He placed his hands on my back and slowly let them drift to my ass. I loved his hands on me. He squeezed my ass hard and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around him as he shoved my back against the adjacent wall. He buried his face in my neck and let his lips trace my collarbone. It sent shivers down my spine. I slid my fingers through his thick hair.
He lifted his head. "I told you to stop thinking about me." His breathing was heavy. He pressed his body even more firmly against mine.
"I can't possibly."
"You're infuriating, Penny," he whispered into my ear.
"Then punish me, Professor Hunter."
I sat up in bed, panting. Ow. It felt like my head was going to explode. I lifted my hand to my forehead and unceremoniously slapped myself in the face. Ow. I leaned forward, resting my forehead against my knees. Another dream. I knew that’s all it was. Because I couldn’t remember anything before or after it. James had told me he was my professor. So I had a professorly dream. A really amazing dream. I squeezed my eyes shut. But it felt so real. Like if I reached out, I’d be sitting on the edge of his desk instead of a bed.
