by Ivy Smoak
A bed. My eyes flew open. Where the hell was I? I scrambled off the mattress, ignoring my pounding headache. As soon as my feet hit the ground, everything came back in a rush. James’ shoes. God, I had thrown up all over his shoes.
I turned around in the bedroom. It had the same light gray walls and hardwood floors as Brendan’s apartment. Fingers crossed I was still there. I wandered out of the bedroom and knew immediately that I wasn’t in Brendan’s apartment anymore.
James was standing at the kitchen counter with his back turned toward me. He was wearing the same jeans from yesterday and a fresh t-shirt. His cell phone was balanced between his shoulder and ear.
I felt like I could still taste his lips from my dream. Still smell his cologne. Still feel his hardness pressed against me. Stop. What the hell was I doing? My dreams were mixing with my reality, messing with my head. I didn’t know James. My reaction to him wasn’t real. It was just a fantasy. It meant nothing.
“I’ll be back tonight, okay?” he said into the phone as he pulled out something from the toaster oven. He waved his hand in the air like he had just burned himself. “I know. Everything’s going to go back to normal soon, I promise. But I have to go, pumpkin.”
Pumpkin? I immediately swallowed down my jealousy. I was glad he had someone else in his life. It’s what I wanted. I hoped that he’d get back together with his ex-wife. Was that who he was talking to? I wondered if their talks had been going on longer than I was injured. Maybe he was cheating on me. But I didn’t believe the thought. He didn’t look at me like he wanted someone else. He looked at me like I was his whole world. Not that I knew from experience what that look was. It was possible that I had it all wrong. Maybe he wished I had died.
“I love you too,” he said into the phone. “Be good okay?” He laughed at something that was said on the other end. “Then tell Soph I say hi too. I’ll see you both later.” He hung up the phone and ran his hand through his hair, like the secret he was hiding was excruciating. He didn’t need to feel bad. I kind of hoped he was cheating on me. It would make all of this so much easier.
“Pumpkin?” I asked.
He turned around. “No…that…”
“It’s okay. Really.” I shrugged my shoulders.
“It was just…Rob.” He sounded so much more tense than he just had on the phone. Whoever was on the other line made him much happier than I did.
It was true, I didn’t know him, but I could still tell he was lying. Obviously. “You call your brother Pumpkin? That seems highly unlikely.”
He pressed his lips together.
I broke eye contact with him and my gaze landed on his bare feet. “I’m sorry about your shoes.”
“I don’t care about my shoes. I’m just glad you’re safe.”
“Yeah.” I folded my arms in front of my chest. “You didn’t have to come.”
He just stared at me.
“Where’s Brendan?”
“In his own apartment.” His words came out harsh.
I hugged my arms tighter against my chest. “You don’t have to be mad at him. He didn’t do anything wrong.” I was messing everything up. I didn’t want to make his life worse by screwing up his friendships too.
“You were with him all afternoon and he didn’t call me. I have a right to be pissed.”
“At me. Not him.”
“I’m not upset with you.”
“Well, you should be, James. I was the one that left. I was the one that didn’t want to call you. I was the one that wrote the note, which I’m sorry about by the way. For some reason, I didn’t think through how it would look. But regardless, you should be upset with me, not Brendan.”
“I’m trying my best…”
“I’m not asking for your best. I’m asking you to be real. If you’re mad at me, tell me. If you want to yell at me, yell at me. Don’t take it out on someone else…”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Penny. Do you want me to say that I hate that you don’t remember me? That you don’t remember us?” He walked over toward me. “That I feel like I’m living in a daze? That I don’t understand how you could possibly run away from what we have? That it felt like I died last night when I couldn’t find you?” He stopped a few inches in front of me. “What? Is that what you want? Then fine. I’m furious with you. But I can’t hate you because I love you too fucking much.” He looked up at the ceiling like he didn’t want me to see his expression. When he titled his face back toward me, his eyes were closed. “It hurts to look at you when you don’t look at me the way you used to.”
With love. I looked at him like a stranger would. Because that’s what I was. A passerby in his life. Nothing more. I wasn’t sure what made me do it, but I reached out and touched his cheek.
He inhaled sharply. As if my touch shocked him like his shocked me. Like it ignited something inside of him. Images of my dream returned. His lips on mine, his fingers on my skin. I immediately removed my hand.
“Come home.” It wasn’t a command. It was a plea. He opened his eyes and stared at me.
“I feel more at home here than I do in New York.”
“Maybe that’s because we lived here together for a short time.”
“You mean in this apartment? And you kept it?”
“Rob moved in for a while. But when he left, I couldn’t make myself sell it. Sometimes we come here to reminisce.”
“That’s not why I feel at home here. I remember being here for school. I remember loving classes. This campus was the last place I felt like I belonged.”
“It’s also where we met.”
Why wasn’t he understanding? I wasn’t drawn to Newark because of him. I was drawn here to get away from him. “But I don’t remember that. I’m sorry.”
“Let me try to remind you.”
I shook my head. “You told Rob you’d be back tonight. I’m not going to keep you.”
“I do need to be back tonight. But it’s only 11 am. We have all day. Please, Penny. Just give me one day to try to remind you of what we have.”
His dark brown eyes looked so hopeful. He had handed me his broken heart and was waiting for me to put the pieces back together again. I needed to tell him I didn’t know how. I needed to tell him that I wanted time and space, but then he grabbed my hand.
“Please, Penny.” He ran his thumb along the inside of my palm. “All I’m asking for is one chance.”
My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. It was beating so loudly I swore he could hear it. “And I can stay here tonight if I want?”
He smiled, but it looked pained. “I would never force you to come back with me. If what you want is here…” he squeezed my hand and shook his head. “Promise me you’ll try.” He looked down at my lips and then immediately looked back at my eyes.
I took a deep breath. “Okay.”
The smile that broke over his face was real this time. “Okay.” He dropped my hand. “First up, waffles. Homemade Eggo waffles.”
I laughed. “Are they homemade or are they Eggo waffles?” I sat down at the kitchen island.
He grabbed two plates and brought them over. “Well, I toasted them. They may be slightly freezer burnt because we haven’t been here in awhile. But I’m sure they’re fine.”
“You really know how to woo a girl.”
He put his elbows on the counter and leaned forward. “You have no idea.”
The way he said it was suggestive enough. But then his eyes gravitated to my lips again. And God, I wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me. I remembered what it was like to be kissed by him and there was no better feeling in the world. I looked down at my waffle. No, I didn’t remember. I had dreamed of it. There was a huge difference.
I took a huge bite of my waffle and kept my eyes glued to my plate. I didn’t deserve the way he looked at me. Because it didn’t matter how today went. Tonight, I’d tell him about my surgery. I’d tell him it was best he moved on. And we’d part ways forever.
&
nbsp; Chapter 21
Sunday
I didn’t know why I was nervous. This wasn’t a real date. It was a re-do of something I didn’t remember. But I felt a sense of peace as I pulled the sundress over my head. I was giving James what he wanted. He’d be happy all day. Before I pull the rug out from under him. I shook away the thought as I turned toward the mirror. It was the third dress I had tried on. This one flared out slightly above my waist, which hid my bloated stomach. I touched my belly. Not bloated. I had been pregnant. It still didn’t seem real. It felt like I’d remember such a momentous occasion. It was the only time I’d ever know what it was like to carry a child. And I couldn’t recall any of it.
I let my hand fall from my stomach. That wasn’t something I wanted to think about. Not today. I had the rest of my life to come to terms with it. Today was about…well, I wasn’t sure what it was about. Goodbyes? A fresh start? Maybe it depended on the day. I reached up to try and zipper the back of the dress, but I could barely reach it. I couldn’t manage to zipper it more than halfway. I turned to the mirror to see if I could find a better angle.
The reflection staring back at me looked more like me than it had when I had first woken up in the hospital. I looked sad and broken now, but the white sundress with blue flowers looked good. The blue matched my eyes. It almost hid the fact that my eyes looked as sad as the rest of me. I sighed, abandoning the zipper. Today wasn’t going to repair anything. But it could lift my spirits. I slid on a pair of sandals and walked out of the bedroom without another glance at my reflection.
James was standing at the windows in the living room, staring out at Main Street below. His hands were in the pockets of his jeans. He had added a button down shirt over his t-shirt. And he was wearing shoes again. Dress shoes, not sneakers. But they looked good. He certainly didn’t look like he had a stick up his ass today. Stop looking at his butt.
“Hey,” I said.
He turned around. “You look beautiful.”
I smiled. No one had ever said that to me before. Austin always said I looked hot. Or sexy. But never beautiful. I felt the color rise to my cheeks. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”
He abandoned the window and walked over to me. “Are you ready to go?”
“I couldn’t reach…” I gestured to the back of my dress. “I mean, could you maybe…” I let my voice trail off. Usually I made Melissa zip me. I had never asked a boy to do it before. I swallowed hard. Not a boy. James was all man. A very handsome man that was way out of my league.
He didn’t say anything, he just brushed my hair to the side. His fingers slowly trailed across my skin, igniting it like only he seemed to be able to. I was almost disappointed when he was finished zipping my dress the rest of the way up, because his touch made me feel so warm. Safe, yet alive at the same time.
“You ready?” He held his hand out for me.
I don’t know. I ignored my annoying thoughts and placed my hand into his. I felt like he could show me what living was. I felt like he could show me everything I’d ever wanted out of life. The thought was just as electrifying as it was terrifying. “I’m ready.”
***
We pulled up to a huge building. There was a tennis court to the right and a pool beside it. Behind them I could make out a golf course in the distance.
“Where are we?” I asked.
James smiled. “This is where we had our first real date.”
“What do you mean by real date?”
He cut the engine. “It took a little time for my head to catch up to my heart. I wanted to give you what you deserved instead of just taking what I wanted. We started things a little backwards. I wanted to show you that you meant more to me than one time in my office.”
I swallowed hard. His office? It was just like my dream. “You mean, we had sex before you took me on a date?”
A valet came to my door and opened it for me before James had a chance to reply.
"Welcome back, Mrs. Hunter," he said and put out his hand for me to grab. It was the first time I didn’t grimace at the name. I took his hand and he pulled me out of my seat and closed the passenger side door.
James stepped out of the car and the valet walked over to him. “Mr. Hunter," he said with a huge smile. "It’s been awhile since you two have visited.”
“Much too long,” James said. He handed the valet the key. “Hopefully we’ll be back more often. Penny’s just reminded me how much we love it here.” He walked over to me and put his hand on the small of my back. “Right?”
I nodded. He was right, in a sense. I loved Newark. But I literally had no idea where we were right now. And my mind was a little preoccupied by the fact that he said we slept together before he took me on a date. Apparently I had become quite the slut in my late teens.
James escorted me into the building as my thoughts wandered. But I quickly abandoned what I was thinking about when we stepped inside. The floor was pure marble. And the biggest chandelier I had ever seen hung from the ceiling above.
A woman walked over to us. "Mr. and Mrs. Hunter. Your table is ready." She seemed nervous to be talking to us.
We followed her down a hallway and entered an elegant restaurant. I wasn't dressed nearly fancy enough. Most of the women wore lace dresses and the men were in suits. It felt like they were all staring at me. But as we made our way to the back of the restaurant I realized that they were staring at James. I didn't blame them, he was so handsome. But I felt a little jealous again, and I had no idea why. I had no reason to be jealous. I glanced at him. At least he was dressed casually like me. It made me feel a little more comfortable.
The woman showed us into a private room in the back. There was a roaring fire, despite the fact that it was summer, and an elegant loveseat to one side. In the middle of the room was a table with a beautiful flower arrangement in the center. A bottle of wine and two glasses were already on the table. Oh no, they are going to ask me for my I.D. I almost laughed out loud. First of all, I didn’t have an I.D. As far as I could tell, James was keeping it from me. But it didn’t matter anyway. I was old.
Instead of questioning my age, the woman said, "Your waiter will be right with you," and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.
I turned to James. "So where are we exactly?"
"Our country club."
I stared at him. Our country club? I knew he was wealthy. But I wasn’t exactly used to the idea that I was wealthy. My parents did well enough to pay my tuition. But this? I looked around the room again. I really owned a part of this?
James walked over to the table and pulled my chair out for me.
"No one's ever pulled out a chair for me before." I sat down and stared at him as he took the seat across from me. I was experiencing a lot of firsts today. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying it. Really I just wanted to hear him say I was beautiful over and over again. A girl could get used to that.
"Then you haven't been dating the right people."
Dating. James and I weren’t technically dating. We were married. But in a lot of ways this felt like a first date. Not that I had ever had a date like this before. More like a first date from my dreams. “And I've never been to a country club before. Do we come here often?"
“Not as often as we used to.”
“Why?”
“Life I guess.” He stared at me intently. “But I’m going to start prioritizing us again. I’m going to put you first. Always.”
He was right before. I had no idea what it was like to be wooed. Because this felt amazing. I truly felt like I was the center of his attention. It was easy to feel that way when his eyes never left mine.
Just at that moment the waiter walked in and hurried over to the table. "Good evening. It is my pleasure to be serving you tonight, Mr. and Mrs. Hunter. It’s so good to see you both again."
I glanced at his name tag. Jerrod. I was about to tell Jerrod that we weren't married and then I realized it wasn’t true. I was James’ wife. He was my hus
band. We were so much more than a first date.
Jerrod started telling us about their daily specials but I couldn't stop staring into James’ eyes. It was impossible to look away. There was so much love there. And I didn’t care if I didn’t deserve it. I wanted it. Desperately. Jerrod uncorked a bottle of wine and poured us each a glass while he was talking.
After Jerrod was done his spiel, James said we would need a minute to look at the menu. I skimmed through mine, trying to find the cheapest thing as Jerrod left the room. Most of the meals were as much as the used textbooks I always bought for classes. I didn't feel comfortable letting James pay for this. Or…I guess we were paying for it? I shook my head. Even though we were married, it was pretty clear that it was all his money. I couldn’t make him pay for this when I was planning on leaving him at the end of the night. Am I still planning on that?
"Penny?" He reached over and grabbed my hand.
"James, I've never had food that costs this much.” I picked up my glass with my free hand and took a sip of the wine.
“Actually, you have.”
An exasperated laugh escaped my lips. “But I don’t remember. You told me how we met. You told me that you fell in love with me. But you never explained why, James. Why me? I’m incredibly…uninteresting.”
“That’s entirely untrue. I find you fascinating.”
The way he said it made me blush. I was suddenly very aware of the fact that he had already seen me naked. He had already had me in the most intimate way. I didn’t remember, but he did. He knew me. He knew my body. He knew everything about me. I took another sip of wine. I felt so nervous under his gaze.
"So why is it that you don't feel like you're interesting?" he asked.
I gulped and looked up at him. It was because of Austin and all the times that he made me feel insignificant. "Honestly, you're the first person that's ever made me feel like I'm the only girl in the room. I'm not used to feeling like I matter."
